It took forever to get to Nicholas’s place. We didn’t say a word on the drive back from the beach or at Jenna’s, where we picked up my things. I hadn’t wanted it that way, but he’d cranked up the music in the car and gone completely silent.
I tried to stay angry and look out at the cityscape, but of course, I glanced at Nick when I didn’t think he’d notice. I didn’t want him to catch me looking at him all desperately, as if I were dying for the father of my child to say something encouraging like I’m so happy or everything will be fine.
Not that I needed to worry about that. The magic moment had passed, we’d left all that tenderness back on the beach, and now the darkness of night seemed to seep into us. What the hell was with him? I mean, I got that no one could just accept the news of being a father like it was nothing, but damn, all I was asking for was a little small talk.
I didn’t even wait for him to get out when he parked. I walked straight inside and to the elevator. I wasn’t supposed to be walking, but I wasn’t going to tell him that. I realized Nick had no clear idea of the problems that were plaguing my pregnancy, and I was kind of scared to tell him. Jenna was the one other person who could have informed him, but since Nick and I had left together, she seemed far more relaxed, even happy. What am I saying? She was over the moon. The poor dummy thought that just by me telling him, we were going to turn back into the same happy couple as before…
It was ridiculous, but I’d be lying if I said a part of me wasn’t hoping for the same thing.
Nicholas hurried to catch up with me, and we got off on the fourth floor. He had my small suitcase in his hand.
As soon as I walked in, I realized this was no place for me…let alone for Mini-Me. The apartment was different: our photos, the pictures we’d chosen together, the colorful cushions…all that was gone. The old furniture had been replaced by expensive minimalist stuff totally lacking in personality, not to mention comfort.
Worst of all, I knew Nick hadn’t chosen any of that… It had been someone else, and I only needed a second for her name to come into my mind.
Fuck: the reality was like a sledgehammer to the stomach. Sophia had been there. Nicholas had lived with her in that apartment, just as he was doing with me now… I walked to the bedroom without uttering a word, the same bedroom where we had shared the most intimate moments of our relationship. All I knew, all he had taught me, I had learned in that bed, in those sheets, in that home. I wiped away the tear rolling down my cheek. The room was different, too. Everything was.
I imagined Nick with her, kissing her, caressing her, touching her, doing the same things with her he’d done with me, as if it were a slideshow running in my mind.
Nicholas put my suitcase on a bench, turned to me, and said, “You should get in bed.”
His words awakened me from the hell I was experiencing.
“Oh, so you’re talking to me now?” I asked, trying to cover my sorrow with rage.
Warily, he responded, “I’m sorry I was so quiet before… I just need to think about all this… I wasn’t expecting it, you know.”
“Oh, and I was?”
“You’ve had a three-week head start, at least,” he replied acidly.
“Well, I’m sorry I didn’t come running to find you when I found out I had a baby inside me. A baby I wasn’t looking to have and don’t even want!”
As soon as I said that, I felt guilty and knew I was lying. Of course I wanted it, now more than ever, and anyway, there was no turning back. Mini-Me and I were connected: the maternal bond I’d heard about, which was supposedly there even before the baby was born—it was real.
“And you think I do?!” he shouted, wiping his face in an attack of nerves. He tried to breathe deeply and calm himself, but with little success, then told me more calmly, “We shouldn’t be arguing about this, Noah. Please, just get into bed.”
His words echoed in my head, impossible to ignore.
Nick didn’t want the baby…
“In this bed? You want me to get in the bed where you’ve fucked God knows how many women?” I asked in an attack of rage and jealousy. No. No way Mini-Me and I were getting into those sheets. I’d rather die.
Nick didn’t expect that response. That was obvious. He didn’t know what to say, and his silence only confirmed the truth of what I’d said.
I grabbed a pillow and stomped all the way to the sofa, that horrible sofa that was every bit as uncomfortable as I’d imagined when I first saw it. I sat down, crossed my legs, and looked at the huge TV, the only thing Nick had probably chosen himself.
From the corner of my eye, I saw him walk toward the bar to serve himself a drink. He looked at the amber liquid in his glass for a moment, then put it down, walked over, and held out his hand.
“Let’s go,” he said calmly. “I’ll get a hotel room.”
That caught me unaware. When I realized he was serious, my irritation mellowed. “Are you serious?”
“I don’t want you to be uncomfortable.”
I nodded, getting up and standing to face him. I was dying for him to hold me. I was hurting inside. Everything was so strange… Since when had Nick given in to one of my fits? Normally we would have been screaming at each other, but there we were, cautious, trying to ignore all the things that still needed to be said.
Once we were in the car, Nick called the Mondrian in West Hollywood and booked the penthouse suite for the two of us. I guessed the surprises never ended with him.
“You don’t have to spend all that money, Nicholas. We can go to my place, or you can drop me there. I’m worried this isn’t a good idea.”
Without looking over, he said, “I need somewhere I can work and have you close by. Price isn’t a concern.”
I sighed. My whole body was tired, and I was dying to climb into bed. Everything that had happened that day had exhausted me.
I fell asleep on the way, and Nick shook me awake softly when we arrived. When I opened my eyes, I saw a bellboy waiting patiently for us to get out.
Looking down at my leggings, my sweatshirt, my running shoes, and comparing them with Nicholas in his button-down, jeans, and boat shoes, I felt embarrassed.
I sat on a sofa in the lobby while he registered. I was a little worried I hadn’t been resting enough. At Jenna’s house, Lion had carried me around…and if I told Nick that, I’d also have to tell him in detail everything that might go wrong with my pregnancy, and that would mean revealing how fucked up my uterus was and all the things I’d been doing wrong those first few months… I’d been irresponsible. Just remembering all the alcohol I’d drunk made me sick to my stomach. I was incompetent, dammit; I wasn’t made to be a mother. I still couldn’t believe it had never crossed my mind…
Luckily for me and Mini-Me, the elevators weren’t far away, and I was thankful when Nick took my hand to help me over. The bellboy came with us to drop off our bags, and Nick gave him a tip before he left. My jaw dropped. This wasn’t a hotel room—it was as big as an apartment! I walked around, admiring the gleaming wooden floor, the huge white bed with the black headboard, the big square table with the Lucite chairs, the huge sofa, the desk, and the incredible views of the city.
I tried not to feel overwhelmed and not to think of the money all that must have cost. Instead I went to the bed. Nick had brought my suitcase over and opened it, and I took out some pajamas. Then I went to the bathroom. A shower would help me, would relax me… I didn’t know what was going to happen between us. There was a strange tension in the room.
When I came out in my pajama bottoms and a baggy T-shirt, Nick was waiting for me, leaning on the table. I tried to ignore how nervous it made me to be alone with him after so long, and I sat on the bed, resting my back against the headboard, waiting for one of us to break the silence and mention the enormous elephant in the room.
I remembered the last time we had talked like this, alone, in a bed… I stroked my belly softly and held my breath. Yes, Mini-Me…you were the result of that conversation.
“What are you thinking about?” he asked, his stare so piercing, my heart sped up.
“Nothing… Just how the last time…you know, when you and I…”
Nick clenched his jaw. I guessed what was a good memory for me was one that enraged him. “I was an idiot. I was irresponsible.”
Seeing his face so full of bitterness, I wished I’d never opened my mouth.
“What happened that night shouldn’t have,” I said, trying to hide my sorrow. “But it wasn’t just your fault.”
Nicholas scowled at me with his cold blue eyes. “What happened, Noah?” he asked. “Did you lie to me?”
“What?”
“I asked you if you were still on the pill, and you said yes. So tell me how the hell this happened.”
Had he asked me about the pill? That night I was so absorbed in what we were doing that I could barely remember half of what we had talked about.
My heart broke again. “You think I did this on purpose?”
Nicholas rubbed his face, stood up straight, and walked to the other end of the room.
“I don’t even know what to think… When you told me you were pregnant, it never even passed through my mind that it could be mine until you decided to let me know in that fucking message.” He opened the minibar and took out a bottle. I stayed still, trying not to miss even one syllable of what he was saying. “We slept together one fucking time! One time in what, a year and a half, and then this happens?”
“Do you wish it were someone else’s?” I didn’t recognize my own voice anymore. I wanted to run away.
“You know perfectly well I don’t.”
“You’re such an asshole for even thinking I could have tricked you. Like I wanted to just get pregnant at nineteen years old! You know what? There’s no reason for you to even be part of this. I’m perfectly capable of doing this alone.” That wasn’t true, but I wasn’t going to admit it to him.
Looking insulted, he asked me, “Is that what you want?” The vein in his neck was throbbing, his jaw was stiff, and his eyes could have burned holes in me. But I continued.
“You don’t have to take responsibility for it. There are lots of mothers who raise children on their own. You’ve got way too much going on right now, and you made it very clear to me that you didn’t want to see me again.”
Nick shook his head and laughed sarcastically. I didn’t like that at all. Obviously I didn’t believe what I was saying, but it seemed evident that he didn’t want the baby and regretted what had happened, and I wasn’t going to be like all those other women who tried to trap a man with a child. No way—I’d be firm, even if the mere thought of it made me feel like I was choking. I didn’t care; I wasn’t going to put him on the spot.
“You’ve always gone through life trying to solve everything on your own. You never let anyone help you or tell you you’re wrong. And you know what, babe? It’s not a good look for you.” Babe—that sounded like an insult. “But I’ll tell you one thing: that baby you’ve got inside you is every bit as much mine as yours, so be very careful with what you say.”
It took me a moment to respond. “Are you threatening me?”
“I will be a part of that child’s life, and it will bear my last name.”
Why was it that the thing I’d wanted to hear from the very first minute only made me feel backed into a corner? “The child will get what’s best for it, and I’m the one who will make that decision.”
“I doubt any judge will disagree that you aren’t ready to take care of our child, don’t you think? You have nothing, unless you decide to run to my father and beg.”
Hearing the words our child stirred something inside me, but that vanished right away. I couldn’t believe he was talking to me about judges and court.
“What do you mean?” I asked, a knot in my throat.
He was acting insane. With every second that passed, he was more and more like the Nick I’d been so scared to face.
“I’m telling you I have absolutely all the cards. You and I aren’t going to be together again, so we’d best work out every last detail before the child’s born. Shared custody, that’s what I’d recommend for starters… Now, if you’ll excuse me, I’ve got important things to do.”
He grabbed his coat and keys and walked out.
After that came the fear and the tears and a terrible feeling of impotence. He was right, I had nothing, all I could do was beg, but that didn’t mean I wanted to hear it from him. If his intention was to lock horns with me, I was going to prepare myself.
