I helped her pick up her things, and we packed our bags together. I didn’t try to hide how in love with her I was as she walked through the room. I knew I couldn’t just say my words and intentions were pure and expect her to just accept them, especially after I’d basically sworn to her we’d never be together again. But I didn’t care; in the bottom of my heart I’d always wanted this to happen, for something to force me to go back to her and give me a justification so I wouldn’t just feel I was deceiving myself.
My biggest fear had always been losing her. Losing her once and for all. When she’d cheated on me and I was apart from her for a year and a half, I thought I’d done the right thing. I didn’t forgive people easily. Noah was right about that. My own mother was sick with cancer and still had to struggle for me to do so, and I wasn’t even sure I was in the right.
Sorry, it was just a word…but it sure was an important one. Noah was the person who had opened my heart, and knowing now what it meant to lose that, knowing that I had a reason to join her for life, had given me the sense of security I had been lacking since the beginning of our relationship.
I had meant what I’d said when I told her goodbye for the last time. Or at least I’d thought I had. I’d really believed there was nothing Noah could do to change my mind, and now I realized there was, and everything had changed. I’d always felt I came second for lots of people. My father always put his business before me, and I knew now that he loved his current wife more than he’d ever love his firstborn child. My mother…she’d left me to run off with another guy, putting her vengeance against my father above any love she’d ever supposedly felt for me… And Noah…Noah was dealing with problems far graver than mine, and as hard as she’d tried to make me believe she loved me like crazy, I’d just found it easier to expect the worst, to not believe, to just pray for everything to turn out okay. I knew we had reached this point despite our problems and our insecurities, and after almost twenty-four years of living, I had finally found that something I had needed to relax and believe that love was possible and that there was someone out there who would put me before anything else.
That child on the way was my hope for unconditional love, and the person giving him to me was the very one I loved with all my heart. How could I not forgive her? How could I not let the past go when she had given me everything I’d needed since I first saw her, even if I couldn’t grasp that for so long?
Finally, I felt peace, in my soul and in my mind. It was as if the storm that had raged in my world suddenly dissipated, and the bright sun was now blinding me. I guessed that was what it felt like to truly forgive someone. Infinite calm…unconditional love.
At her apartment, I noticed her looking all around, taking things out of boxes, insisting on putting them on shelves. It made me nervous. I almost had a heart attack when she got up on a chair to reach a shelf. I walked over and picked her up before I freaked out.
“Shit, Noah!” I shouted, setting her down and taking the object out of her hands. “This is your first day up and about after weeks in bed. Maybe relax a little?”
“I’m just nervous, and I can’t stay still. I’m sorry,” she said and walked off, as if being close to me burned her. She crossed the room and stood as far from me as possible.
“Are you sure you don’t want me to spend the night here?” I asked, hating having to leave her.
It was going to be a struggle to separate. I wanted to take her to live with me, dammit; I wanted to care for her, give her all the things she needed.
Before she could answer, the door opened, and Lion and Jenna came in, smiling radiantly and holding a bundle of blue balloons.
“It’s a boy!”
I looked over at Noah, surprised, and she shrugged, smiling. A second later, Jenna was leaping at her to give her a hug, letting the balloons fly off toward the ceiling. Lion came over with a little blue teddy bear in hand and smiled like a true dickhead.
“So you’re a daddy, huh?” he said.
Despite myself, I felt a knot in my throat. I really was going to be a father. I needed to start getting used to the idea.
“We’ve got to celebrate!” Jenna proposed, clapping and jumping into my arms. “You know, if you don’t choose me as the godmother, I’m going to tell all your dirty secrets.” I reached out to yank her hair in response. “Where should we go?” she continued. “Dinner, a bar? We could even have a weekend away. This is a special occasion—we need to do it up!”
All I needed was one look to know none of that appealed to Noah just then. We hadn’t expected a baby, and even if I was happy, I knew Noah needed reassurance that it wouldn’t change anything. She was finally able to live normally again, and the first thing she had said was she wanted to go back to class, work, go out. She didn’t want the kid to become her sole focus.
I didn’t want to keep bringing it up. I knew her well enough to know that sooner or later, she’d get used to it, but I didn’t want her to break down in the meantime. And if she did, I wanted to be there.
“Let’s go dancing,” I said, suppressing my desire to stick her back in bed and force her to stay there. She looked over with surprise. “I mean, don’t jump into a mosh pit or anything, but a little dancing could be fun, right?”
She smiled, and I felt my heart stop.
“Yeah, it could be fun,” she said. It was the first time I’d seen her happy since we’d left the doctor’s office.
Jenna agreed, and Lion and I went outside while Noah changed clothes. I took out a cigarette and smoked for the first time since I’d found out I was going to have a kid.
“How are you handling it?” Lion asked, trying not to stare. He lit a cigarette of his own.
“Just trying to accept the fact that in four months, my life is going to change, and it will never be the same again.”
“What about Noah? Are you guys back together?” he asked tactfully.
I looked at the door to her building.
“I’m working on it,” I responded as the girls reappeared. Noah had changed from her jeans into a T-shirt dress, transparent tights, and high boots. She’d let her hair down, too, and had put on lipstick and eyeliner. I swear to God, I’d never seen her look more beautiful.
Now I wanted more than ever to take her back home and stick her in bed—almost as much as I wanted her to enjoy the night and feel free. She came over with doubt written all over her face.
“You okay?” I asked her, wanting so badly to pull her in and kiss her until she was breathless.
She nodded, but she didn’t look me in the eye. I knew it would take us a long time to return to what we’d once been, but I needed to reclaim her as mine, now more than ever.
I started my car, Noah got into the passenger seat, and immediately I noticed her squirming and fidgeting.
“What’s up?” I asked her.
Noah shook her head, but I wouldn’t give up that easily.
“Noah, you can tell me.”
“Just… What are we going to tell our parents?”
That’s what she’s so worried about?
“Noah, don’t worry about what people will say, okay? Our parents know our story; we’ll just tell them we’re back together. And as far as the baby… They won’t find out till you’re ready to tell them.”
“My mother’s gonna have a stroke.” She rolled down the window to get some fresh air. “Plus, we can’t just tell them we’re back together. We need to see how things go. It would be best not to say anything. You can barely tell now anyway, right?”
We looked at her stomach. True, it was hardly noticeable, but that would change soon: she was five months pregnant. Our parents would find out before long, and so would everyone else. I felt anxious to protect her from any rumors that might come up. Everyone thought I was still with Sophia Aiken, and when the news about Noah came out, it would be a scandal. I was going to have to get ready to face it.
“I don’t think we have too much longer to draw it out, but we won’t say a word till you’re ready, okay?”
She nodded. Soon we arrived at the club. It was deafening, and I asked for a VIP room. Jenna couldn’t stop talking about the baby, what we’d name him, where we were going to live, what color we’d paint his room… It started to get on my nerves. Noah tried to share her friend’s enthusiasm, but even Lion could tell Jenna was overdoing it.
Lion and Jenna went out to dance while Noah watched from her seat. Jenna came over at one point and pulled her out onto the dance floor, and they enjoyed themselves for a while. I observed each of Noah’s movements, holding my breath, but ten minutes later, she was back there sitting down beside me.
She wasn’t having fun.
“You want to go? Are you tired?” I asked, alarms sounding in my head.
She forced a smile and shook her head.
We held out for another hour, and finally I insisted we leave. I knew something was up, and even if she was trying to hide it from our friends, I could tell what mood she was in. We said goodbye to Jenna and Lion and walked to the car before driving home in silence. But once we were inside, I couldn’t hold back anymore. I pulled her close and squeezed her in my arms.
“Tell me what’s worrying you.”
She hugged me and rested her head on my shoulder. “I don’t think it was a good idea, going out tonight,” she said. “I don’t belong in places like that anymore, you know? Parties, staying out late, college… I’m changing, the old me is gone. I’ll have to get used to being…”
“You don’t have to get used to being anything, Noah. Becoming a mother doesn’t mean you have to change.”
She shook her head. She seemed unable to emerge from her mental turmoil. “No, that’s not true. You heard Jenna—she couldn’t stop talking about the baby… That’s what people are going to see me as now: a mother. I’m not going to be the same girl as before, and I’m so scared because I don’t even know who I am…”
I didn’t want her to go down that road. There was no need for her to think she’d given up anything.
“I swear to you, you will go on being the same person I met three years ago, Noah…the same person who drove me crazy when she walked into my kitchen and gave me a dirty look, the same one who lost my Ferrari, the same one who played twenty questions with me, who wanted to be a writer and travel and open an animal shelter, the one who wanted to learn how to surf, the one who swore she’d kiss me every day for the rest of my life, the one who thought she could never have kids… You will be all that and more, Noah.”
She shook her head and pulled away. “I know it’s horrible to say this. I want this baby, I really do,” she confessed with her eyes full of tears. “But I don’t want it now, you know? I don’t even know what I’m going to do tomorrow, what I’m going to do for a living… I’m dependent on you now, Nick, and even if you keep saying you want to come back to me, I can’t just act like the past year didn’t happen…”
“Noah,” I said, but she interrupted me.
“This isn’t what I planned for my life; this isn’t what I wanted. I know it sounds all traditional, but I wanted to be married, I wanted a home, economic security, a job, a life. I wanted to start my family after that. I haven’t got a thing except uncertainty, and I’m scared to bring this baby into the world and not be able to give him the best.”
“He will have the best, Noah, and you will, too. I’m here. Look at me. I’m not going anywhere.”
How could I make her understand that my entire goal in life was to make her happy?
“But you did…you left,” she said, pulling away when I tried to touch her. I wanted her to calm down, to see how good things really were.
“I had to,” I said, turning suddenly serious. “This year and a half of separation has changed both of us, Noah. We can’t pick back up where we left off. We weren’t good for each other then. I didn’t make you happy, and you hurt me more than anyone ever has.”
She held her breath for a moment.
“I’m not trying to throw that in your face. I just want you to see things from a different perspective. Fate has decided to bring you and me back together. The baby brought you back to me. And I’m happy. And you will be, too, Noah. I’ll make sure of it.”
“But what if I can’t make you happy?”
I shook my head. “That won’t happen…”
I kissed her on the lips. I needed her more than ever. I wanted to make love to her slowly, feel her skin against mine, listen to the moans coming from her lips, hear her repeating my name… But I’d promised her I’d go slow.
“I should leave,” I said. Her cheeks were flushed, and she was so adorable that pulling away took all my might. “I’ll call you tomorrow, okay?”
The feelings I saw in her eyes made me kiss her again. I whispered in her ear, “If you want me to stay, just say the word.”
We stood up, and she took a step back.
“I’m okay.”
That stung, but I forced a smile. “Bye, Freckles.”
