I don’t know why I’m so upset. I wanted something to happen. I wanted something to finally explode between us. Maybe a kiss, a touch, something to tell me that whatever this is between us is real and not because of the deal we made.
Now I’m wondering if it’s just a business transaction and nothing more. I mean, wouldn’t most men jump at the opportunity to have sex with a woman who is spreading her legs in front of them? Ari just stood there as if he has seen it all before a hundred times.
Maybe that’s the problem.
He has.
This isn’t about the contract anymore, no matter how much my fear says otherwise. I like this man and I know I’m on my way to falling in love with him, but I’ve never been in love. I don’t know what to do. I’m a grown woman who is a virgin, but sexually, emotionally I guess, I’m young in many ways since I’ve never experienced those feelings.
Every time he looks at me, every time he does anything for me, and any time he kisses my shoulder, my heart flutters. I don’t want to fight him anymore. Fighting is exhausting. I don’t have it in me anymore. I’m tired. I just want to be. I want to let go of all the anger and just be with him. I want to know what it will be like to give in and give this relationship a real shot.
I’m tired of sleeping next to him and wishing I’d just roll over and cuddle him. I want him to hold me and kiss my shoulder until I fall asleep. I want to know what it will be like to embraced by him at night. I want to get to know him more.
No more pranks.
I thought maybe, just maybe he was interested, and he says all the right things, but maybe he is just being nice, so he doesn’t hurt my feelings? He isn’t interested like that and maybe he only wants one thing from me. Maybe he truly just wants us to have a strong relationship and to have a baby together. Nothing more.
The thoughts hurt. A week ago I couldn’t stand him. I hated him. I wanted nothing to do with Ari, but now after getting to know his easygoing nature, he has softened me quickly and now the only person I’m fighting is myself.
I close the door to the bedroom when a knock sounds. I jump, pressing a hand to my chest. “I’ll be out later, Ari.”
“It’s me,” Matias says, his voice raspier than Ari’s.
Another difference I’ve noticed.
I notice every little thing.
“Now isn’t a good time, Matias.” I wipe my cheek and tilt my head against the door, then glance around the room.
I’m surrounded by him. Ari is everywhere.
“I have a bag from my brother for you.”
The old me would have said, “I didn’t want shit from him” but I crave anything from Ari, I’m finding. I’ve been burying the need for a few days and it’s time I try to do something about it. I open the door, peeking out the crack to see Matias standing there.
He lifts a bag and pushes the door open. “He said he ruined all of your underwear and I don’t want to know what that means, so he replaced them all.” Matias hands it to me and I take the bag from him. Even the bag is nice and luxurious. A matte black with sturdy silk handles and on the sides it says, “Silkies, made for the beautiful.”
“He replaced all of them?” I peek inside and see so many pairs of panties. There’s way more than I need here. Different colors, black, pink, purple, and textures. Silk and cotton. Some are lacy and some are plain. “Wow, they are beautiful,” I say. “Tell him thank you for me.”
“You could tell him yourself,” he suggests, giving me a sad smile. “He cares about you.”
I have to inhale a deep breath to stop myself from getting too emotional. With a shake of my head, I stroll by him, placing my new bag of panties on my side of the closet. “You don’t understand, Matias.”
“I do. I have seen it with my oldest brother Carmine. There is something you need to know about my brothers. The tradition is old, and no one would be mad if it didn’t get used again, but when we see something we want, we crave, the tradition is the easiest thing to use to make sure we get it. He didn’t have to give you the option to protect you. He saw you and saw an opportunity. My brother is different from a lot of other men. It’s important to him you like him before any…agreement is acted on. He is loyal. I know this isn’t easy for you, but if you ever want to talk, I want you to know you have a friend.”
I grab my right arm with my left hand and peer out the large window overlooking the garden. It’s beautiful here. “I feel like I’ve pushed him away. We haven’t known each other long, obviously, but I’ve spent my entire time here fighting him, annoying him, pushing him away. I don’t know what to do.”
“Tell him. Talk to him. Communicate. You haven’t pushed him away. Ari loves a good fight. He loves a challenge. Really, don’t think too much about it.” Matias’s phone rings and he reaches into his back pocket to grab it. “It’s Gianni. I have to go. Think about what I said. I know it isn’t much, but I’m serious. Ari isn’t the type of guy you push away. He’s steadfast. When he plants his feet, he doesn’t move.”
“Thank you, Matias.”
He opens the door and goes to leave. “And if it’s any consolation, I think you’re good for him and he’s good for you. The circumstances of how you got here don’t matter. Not anymore.” He closes the door behind him, leaving me to my thoughts.
My eyes begin to drop from the orgasms I’ve had today and the stress, mostly the orgasms. Yawning, I stretch as I pick through the shirts in the closet, deciding to steal one of his. I slip my dress off, then my ruined panties, and tug his shirt over my head. I dig into the new bag and pull out a pair of panties and there’s a card.
“Everything is washed and ready for you to wear, Tesoro.”
-Ari
I smile, loving the thought of something as simple as washing the clothes for me. I tug on a pair and immediately my life is changed forever when it comes to underwear because holy wow, these are comfortable.
Ari’s scent lingers on the shirt, and I pinch the material, bringing it to my nose to inhale. God, he smells good. Climbing into bed, I grab his pillow and hold it to my chest, his scent lulls me to sleep quickly, and my heart finally feels like it’s at rest with the realization that I want to try to be Ari Milazzo’s wife.
***
I don’t know when I wake up. The sun has gone down and the starry night shines through the windows. My stomach grumbles, reminding me I haven’t eaten all day and I toss the covers from my body and stretch. I feel good. Now that I know my mind is made up about what I want, I think things will be better now.
I just have to try. I have to put in more effort. This is my life now. This is my reality and if I want to be honest, it could be a lot worse than being hitched to the sexiest man I’ve ever laid eyes on.
My nerves flutter in my stomach when I stand, and his shirt falls to my mid-thigh. I should put pants on, but maybe he’d like that I’m wearing his shirt. With a mischievous smile on my face, I prance to the door, feeling lighter than I have in a long time. I hum while I nearly skip to the kitchen. When I’m there, I find it empty, and I hope it stays that way. I don’t want anyone but Ari to see me like this. The large stainless-steel fridge is more like an oversized closet with how big it is. I grab the fixings to make a sandwich and place them on the counter, then snag the bread from the pantry.
Lettuce, tomato, mayonnaise, hoagie seasoning and dressing, roast beef, and honey ham, then topped with cheese make for the perfect sandwich. I bite into it just as I hear a giggle coming from his office.
I know that giggle.
Any hope I had between us just plummeted. I take another bite of my sandwich, unable to remove myself from this spot as I listen to her fawn over my husband.
“I can’t believe you ripped your stitches,” she says a little too loudly. “What were you doing?”
“None of your business,” he gruffs, his voice sounds like it did when he grabbed my wrist and told me to get masturbating.
Is that what he is doing to her?
It would make sense. She’s pretty and wants him. She isn’t afraid to show him either. What man wouldn’t be all over that?
I feel the sting behind my eyes, and I turn away, wiping my hands on my shirt, and grab a glass, filling it with water from the sink. Leaning against the counter, I hold onto it with one hand as I sip my water, washing down any remaining crumbs in my mouth.
She laughs again and it’s a stab through the heart.
“Rosie?”
My whispered name in the darkness startles me and the water sloshes over the rim of the glass.
Matias comes into view from the shadows, and I let out a relieved breath.
“What are you—”
I press my finger against my lips, pointing to Ari’s office just as another high-pitched laugh fills the air.
His brows lift as he nods, scratching the back of his head as he takes the spot next to me. “Ah,” he says unsurprised, but understanding. “Bothers you?”
“You could say that,” I whisper, keeping my voice low so Ari doesn’t hear me.
I don’t know why I’m still here, feet planted in the kitchen just listening to them. I must be asking for punishment.
“If it makes you feel better, she isn’t here for that. She’s here to stitch up his shoulder again.”
“Oh,” I mumble, tugging the shirt down so it doesn’t show anything. Actually, I should go put on pants. It isn’t okay that I’m out here without any on.
I snort out loud without meaning to. What does it matter? Ari doesn’t want me. I could parade around naked, and it wouldn’t make a difference.
“How did he do that?” I question, not wanting to sound too interested so I keep my voice monotone.
He crosses his arms and nudges me. “Because after you stormed out of his office after your fight, he might have thrown a chair across the room. I had to throw it away and Gianni had to call that lusty little nurse back.”
“You think she’s lusty?”
He laughs quietly, shoulders shaking up and down while he covers his mouth. “No,” he winds down. “But you apparently do.”
Another giggle drifts through the office.
“I mean she’s practically throwing herself at him.”
“She is, which he will be annoyed about. He doesn’t like easy women.” He eyes me, hoping I catch onto what he means but I don’t give away anything. “He likes his women complicated. Like you, someone who constantly fights him.”
“Not constantly,” I grumble, placing my cup in the sink.
“It isn’t what you think it is.” He grabs my arm before he opens the fridge and grabs a beer. “Nice shirt by the way.”
“Matias,” I scold lightly, bowing my legs until my knees hit one another. “I didn’t expect anyone in the kitchen.”
“You’re such a mess,” the nurse says loudly and my amusement from Matias drifts from my face.
“It means nothing,” he whispers before leaving.
And I’m all alone again.
I walk around the island to the other side of the office and find the door cracked. I shouldn’t peek. I should turn around and go back to his bed—our bed—but I can’t seem to stop. I want to know if it’s just nothing. I want peace of mind. I want to know if my new revelation is pointless and if I’m just his incubator.
I peer in the crack, getting the perfect view of Ari. He’s leaning against his desk, shirtless, and there’s a glass of wine in his hand. For some reason, my eyes fall to his hand and I see his gold wedding band.
Something about that makes me feel safe.
“You weren’t wearing that last time.” Her fingers trace the band and I have to curl my hands into fists, willing her to back off. “You’re married?”
He exhales, shoulders sagging as he takes a long swig of wine as if the answer is so stressful he doesn’t want to reply.
“How long before you’re done?” he asks, not moving his hand away from the nurse.
“Just a few more minutes. I’m thinking, if you aren’t married—” her hand drifts down the middle of his chest, lower and lower until I have to take a step away.
I can’t watch.
If I wasn’t so difficult, if I wasn’t so complicated, and if I wasn’t so maddening maybe he’d be able to back away from her or admit he’s married. I was kidding myself to think this could turn out to be a dream marriage beneath the reality of our situation.
It hasn’t been that long since we made this agreement, and I thought maybe we’d have more time. More time to get to know one another.
That’s where my naivety kicks in. That’s where I know nothing about men because I’ve never been with a man. I’ve never been in love. And I have no idea how to act.
With stupidity burning my feet, I sprint down the hall back to the room. Careful for the door not to make a noise, I ease it shut.
My breaths come out fast and tears spill from my eyes. All the emotions I’ve kept in break free like a dam. It hurts. Why does it hurt so much? It feels like my heart is shattering or my soul is shredded. I run to the bed and bury my face in my pillow, clutching it to my chest while I cry.
Everything I’ve ever held in over the years while supporting everyone around bursts free. The complicated feelings I have for Ari rush with the current of the water. As much as it feels good to let it all out, roaring anger begins to bubble again, but it isn’t at the world this time.
It’s at me for allowing myself to be backed into a corner again and again. For never sticking up for myself. For never going after what I want and for always settling.
I roll out of bed and stuff my hand under the mattress, searching for the stone. Finally, I feel the edges of the stone and pull it free, lifting it into the air.
This is my opportunity. This is my chance.
This is my way out.
I run to the closet and look for some bags. There’s some luggage shoved in the very back and I snag one.
Fuck the contract.
It’s time to do something for myself.
