“The Order.” That room swayed, blurred, and darkened as it all hit home. “The Order happened, didn’t it?”
He gave a slow nod, his jaw tightening as he looked around. “But as bad as this place was…the home for the sons was far worse. The atrocities they endured there, the discipline, the training. It was enough to break someone…”
Sons.
Sons…
A low, tortured sound ripped from the back of my throat. I closed my eyes and doubled over, bracing my hands on my knees. But with each breath, I dragged that filth into my soul. “Daughter,” I moaned. “They called me daughter.” I forced myself up, to meet his stare. “They called me daughter and you call them…the sons.” I stepped closer, desperation screaming inside me. “But they’re not your sons, are they, London? They aren’t your…”
“No,” he answered.
That biting answer took more than its share of flesh.
“But Carven and Colt are still part of my family. I carried them from that place when they were just boys. They are mine to protect, mine to care for. They know all my secrets, every single one, and they know all of yours.”
“My secrets?” I shook my head. “I have no secrets.”
He took a step closer. “Vivienne…you are the secret.”
My stomach clenched as he turned back to me, those knowing eyes fixed on mine. “You were taken from this place before they could do too much damage and placed with the couple who raised you. They didn’t hurt you.” He turned to me, staring into my soul. “I made sure of that.”
He made sure…
He made…sure…
I froze, my thoughts colliding as pieces of the puzzle slipped into place. The book I’d found in his study with pictures of me, pictures he should never have had. As I met his stare, I finally understood how helpless I was. It was all him, every step of every way. He had all the power…all the control. “Who the fuck are you?”
“A man that’s trying to undo the damage he’s done.” He stepped closer. “I couldn’t get you away from The Order, that would’ve drawn far too much attention. But I paid your foster parents not to hurt you. That was the best I could do.”
With every step, this monster became all too real. My past…those nightmares. The cold. The dark. The screaming. “Oh, God.” I stumbled backwards, away from those scratches on the door and the fetid stench of terror, and turned.
I was running before I knew it, hurling myself through that rotting corpse of a house and lunging for the front door. My heels clattered as I stumbled down the stairs toward his car and slammed my hand on the hood, feeling the warmth of the engine before my knees buckled.
“Easy.” Strong arms wrapped around my waist, keeping me from hitting the ground. “Easy now, I have you.”
I moaned and shook my head, trying to push him away. But I may as well battle the night. London St. James was the night, cold, empty, endless. He turned me around, placing his hand at my back, pulling me against him. “Hold on to me, Vivienne.”
In that moment it was all I could do to stay upright. I found myself gripping his arms, clinging to him. Hating that I needed him as I lowered my head to his chest. “What the fuck, London…what the fuck!”
“I understand.” He was so calm…so controlled. So cold.
I lifted my head, meeting that empty stare, then punched against his chest, pushing him away, stumbling backwards. “You understand? You stay the fuck away from me. Do you understand that, asshole? Stay…the…fuck…away from me, you sick fuck!”
My heels sank through the rocks and into dirt, making me twist and stumble. I was going to be sick…I was going to—run. I slammed my hand against the side of the car and pushed off. All I saw was the darkening sky and the murky shrouded trees in the distance.
I needed to get out of here. I needed to—
I lunged, driving myself forward.
“Vivienne!” London screamed.
Daughter.
Daughter.
Daughter.
And the sons…
A wounded sound tore free as I ran for the darkness.
“FUCK!” His steps crunched against the stones behind me.
But in my head, all I could hear were his words. What makes you think she wants you…what makes you think. She. Wants. You?
“Vivienne, stop running!”
The heavy thud of his steps grew louder, until his cruel grip closed around my arm and he yanked me backwards. “STOP!” he bellowed, those dark eyes wild and wide. “Stop, for Christ’s sake!”
“Get off me!” I thrashed, lashing out, fighting with all I had. Tears stung my eyes as that ache in my chest grew claws. “Get the fuck off me!”
But this time he was grabbing my wrists as I aimed for his face. “STOP!” He roared. “I said…STOP, Vivienne!”
“I don’t belong!” The words tore open the festering wound I held inside. “I don’t belong anywhere!”
He froze, his hands clasped around my wrists.
As much as I fucking loathed it, my tears flowed. “I don’t belong,” I blubbered. “Not with Ryth, not with anyone.”
“What?” His brow furrowed.
“That’s what you said, right?” I yanked my hands, trying to pull out of his hold. “But it’s not like I need you pointing it out to me. It’s been obvious my entire goddamn life!”
Still, he didn’t let go.
The sting of pain ebbed, leaving me feeling emptier than I’d ever felt before. Still I fought him, desperate to get away, to hide my shame. “Let me go, London…just let me go. I don’t belong. Not here, not with my parents, not with Ryth…not anywhere.”
His brow furrowed and hard breaths made his chest rise and fall. “You think no one wants you?”
“Think?” I barked laughter as the pain in my chest turned into a wall of fire. “I don’t need to think. I know no one wants me.”
With a snarl of anger, he wrenched me close and grabbed the back of my neck so I couldn’t get away. “Well, I want you, Vivienne!” he growled as those bottomless eyes stared into my soul. “I…fucking…want…you!”
I froze, tears stinging, unable to catch my breath. I couldn’t think…only feel. Feel the weight of his stare boring into mine and the strength of his grip. Surprise widened his eyes, as though he realized exactly what he’d said. Then in an instant, his hold eased.
“Just remember that the next time you forget where you belong.” His tone softened as he looked away. “Now…” he breathed hard, trying to collect himself. “Get back in the goddamn car, Vivienne, and let’s get the fuck out of here.”
I didn’t stop him when he lowered his hand, captured mine, and pulled me with him. My gaze shifted to that terrifying, hulking house as I let him lead me back to the car and open the door. I let him guide me inside before he leaned down, tugged the seatbelt into place, and closed the door with a soft thud.
Still my tears came, slow and burning. I swiped them with the backs of my hands, watching him as he strode around the front of the car. But I couldn’t stop them, no matter how hard I tried. I said nothing as he climbed in behind the wheel and started the engine.
He glanced my way, his face caressed by the dashboard lights before he turned back. Night closed in, darkening the sky, making the gruesome house even more terrifying than it was before. London reached around, grasped the back of my seat, and backed the car up.
My pulse spiked, thrumming in my veins with his attention. There was an awkwardness now, one that hadn’t been there before. He cast sideways glances as we drove toward the gate, slowed enough to crawl through, then turned back onto the winding road. The headlights cut through the gloom before we plunged into the darkness that spilled from the thick trees.
Beep.
I glanced at his phone sitting in the console between us, then to the message that cut across the display.
H: You’re needed.
H? Who was that? Helene…Harmony? What other names of women could I conjure that started with the letter H…and why the fuck did I care? I looked away, my cheeks burning, as London leaned forward and swiped the screen, ending my view.
“Sorry for occupying your time,” I muttered.
“You didn’t occupy my time, Vivienne,” He threw a glare my way.
I didn’t know if his annoyance was in response to me or the damn message. But he turned colder as he drove, sinking back onto that stony focus once more. It looked like tonight’s lessons and confessions were well and truly over and I couldn’t be more excited at the prospect of getting as far away from that godforsaken place and London St. James as possible.
A shudder tore through me and my teeth gnashed. My breath caught before it tore free like razor blades with a moan. I leaned forward, grasped my knees, and felt like I was about to throw up.
He reached over, adjusted the temperature, and aimed the warmth onto me. “It’s that place. It does the same to me. You’ll be okay, you just need warmth.”
I gripped my knees, shivering as the blast of warm air washed over me. We drove in silence, with not even the radio to distract the panicked thoughts in my head. All I had was the whoosh of the warm air until finally I stopped shivering.
Something had changed between us. Something I didn’t like. I searched for that bite of anger as I slowly straightened, watching him out of the corner of my eye. But as hard as I tried to find that outrage toward him, it was gone. Instead of fury, I felt an aching need to look at this man…to do more than look, if I was honest. Questions filled my head as I watched those sure hands work the gears and turn the wheel, too many for me to prioritize with any sense.
The muddled mess in my head was still overshadowed by his desperate revelation. You think you’re not wanted? Well, I want you, Vivienne!
My pulse raced. I couldn’t think of anything else but the anguish in his eyes. Anguish he so carefully hid under that emotionless, stony exterior. By the time we turned into the driveway, I was already reaching for the door handle, desperate to be away from him. Pity I couldn’t outrun my own torment.
He said nothing as he killed the engine and I climbed out. Still, I could feel that stare all the way to the door to the house. I had to get out of there, find some distance…regain some control.
My steps were a blur as I raced up the stairs. I glanced at his bedroom door as I kept climbing. This panic was the same one I’d felt before, the one that had hit me as I stood by his bed. Heat moved through me as I reached the top of the stairs and raced for my room.
There were no heavy steps following, no chase this time around. I hurried inside, closed the door, and leaned against it, sucking in sawing breaths. “No…just no.”
I was so heavy. So very heavy.
Tortured and strained, I closed my eyes. But all I could see were those hands. Those strong goddamn hands as they gripped the wheel, and that careful, dark stare. I don’t know how long I stayed like that, paralyzed by the terror that I now knew the truth of how he felt.
I didn’t like it. I wanted to undo this entire evening, starting with me smashing that fucking gaming console. Steps resounded, heading toward my room. I turned at the soft rap of knuckles.
“Vivienne,” London murmured. “I have your meal.”
“I don’t want it,” I snapped, then eased my tone. “I don’t think I can.”
“I’ll leave it outside your door.”
Relief hit me. I couldn’t look at him, not now. Maybe not ever.
The clatter of plates came. Shadows moved under the door as I stepped backwards until I neared the bed. The soft lavender cashmere top still lay thrown to the bottom of the bed, discarded out of hate. That moment felt like a lifetime ago, before I knew the truth. The truth of my past. I turned away and headed for the bathroom as wracking shudders came once more.
Memories hit me.
Ones that were faded and old.
I’d always thought I imagined it.
The screams. The terror.
The boom…boom…boom…that came with the flashing lights.
Storms had always terrified me beyond anything I’d ever experienced.
They didn’t hurt you. Those words haunted me as I undressed and went into the bathroom. I turned on the water as hot as I could stand it and stepped into the spray, desperate to wash the evil from that place off me.
Two seconds was all it took before I sank to the floor of the shower, tears pouring from me.
They didn’t hurt you.
His words were all I heard…
I made sure of that.
