I knew something was wrong from the moment we got to the fancy restaurant Cal picked out an hour ago…
And at the risk of sounding like a total cliché, it’s got nothing to do with him.
It’s all me.
I went from drooling all over him at Vince’s party to seeing him in an entirely platonic way.
And it’s not like I don’t notice how good he looks. I see his loose curls, sharp jaw, and dimpled smile. I just don’t feel any type of way about them anymore.
At first, I thought the stress of starting a new job and moving to a different town was the reason for my libido being all out of whack.
It’s only been a few days since our shameless flirting in the pool. What could’ve possibly caused my feelings to change so fast?
My phone lit up just as our waitress was asking us if we wanted dessert, and the message on my screen knocked the wind out of me.
UNKNOWN NUMBER
Get the cheesecake. I heard it’s killer.
I happened to be sipping on water when I saw the text, and I’m surprised I didn’t choke it out.
My first instinct was to glance around the restaurant, half expecting to see a creep hiding in a bush with binoculars through the window.
That’s when another text came through.
UNKNOWN NUMBER
You look so fucking good when you’re playing detective.
The waitress brought my attention back to her by repeating herself, and I told her I wasn’t feeling dessert. I scanned the restaurant again and typed a quick reply.
HADLEY
Whoever you are, stop texting me.
The next message came seconds later.
UNKNOWN NUMBER
You should’ve canceled the date when I told you to.
UNKNOWN NUMBER
This one’s on you, Hads.
No one calls me Hads.
No one but Kane.
Fucker.
Why was he trying to ruin my date?
I ignored his messages and asked the waitress for the check.
I paid for my half before Cal could blink. He protested a little, but I didn’t want him paying the whole thing. Especially considering that I don’t see this going anywhere.
The stars are sparse by the time Cal drops me off at the beach house. I’ve been on edge since Kane’s texts. Even Cal noticed, asking me if everything was okay.
Part of me was expecting to find Kane holed up in a car with tinted windows when we walked out of the restaurant.
Only, there was no trace of him.
It got me thinking that maybe he was never there to begin with.
What better way to ruin my date than to make me think I’m being watched?
For all I know, he was fucking with me and hoping my paranoia would push me to cut the evening short.
I spent most of the drive home crushing my body to the passenger-side door, putting as much distance between Cal and me as I could. The last thing I wanted was for him to try and take my hand or grab my thigh.
Cal’s car comes to a slow stop in the driveway of the beach house, and we make eye contact.
I flash a small smile. “Thank you for tonight. It was nice catching up.”
Cal returns my smile, kicking the gear into park. “Sure.”
Do I let him down easy?
Just bolt out of the car and hope he won’t ask me out again?
Cal’s a smart guy, which is why I’m sure he’s noticed that I’m not feeling it, but I’m afraid not saying anything might create ambiguity.
My courage is drained from my body when he zeroes in on my lips. “I’m really glad you came back for the summer.”
Please don’t go in for the kiss.
“Same. Anyway, it’s getting late. See you,” I blurt out before climbing out of his car.
I make a beeline for the front door, expecting him to drive off, but he doesn’t, following me instead. “I’ll walk you to the door.”
I give a small nod, speed walking to the porch.
Cal joins me the next second, doubt plastered all over his face. “Hey, um… is everything okay? You’re acting different.”
I blow out a sigh. “I know. I’m so sorry. Please don’t take this the wrong way, but I don’t think this is going to work out.”
God, I feel like such an asshole.
Cal’s a good guy. A great guy, even. But I don’t want to lead him on and pretend like I’m not ridiculously drawn to Kane.
I’m not even sure what this stupid attraction means—and I have no intention of finding out—but it wouldn’t be fair to keep dating Cal when I know there’s no way he could make me feel half the things Kane does.
His features twist with disappointment and irritation. “Can I ask why?”
“I just… I’m not in the headspace to date right now.”
Lame answer, I know.
I couldn’t bring myself to tell him that there’s no spark between us. Let alone that I feel that spark for someone else, even though I’d rather die than give myself over to those feelings.
He nods, failing to hide the drop of sadness melting through his voice. “All right. Thanks for telling me.”
I cringe. “I’m so sorry. Are we good?”
He doesn’t look me in the eyes as he says, “Yeah, we’re good.”
“You sure?”
My phone chimes before he can answer.
“Just a second,” I whisper and pull my phone out of my pocket.
UNKNOWN NUMBER
Hate to interrupt, but we’re going to have a serious fucking problem if you let him kiss you.
My throat dries at Kane’s warning.
“Sorry about that… I guess I’ll see you around, then.”
“Yeah” is all he says.
We exchange good-nights and go our separate ways.
Well, that was awful.
I walk inside, and the silence pervading the air informs me that everyone’s already in bed.
I debate on answering Kane’s ominous message. Something tells me he’d love nothing more than to have me track him down and demand answers.
I decide not to indulge him and race up the stairs toward the second-floor bathroom.
I’ve been eyeing the massive jetted tub since I got here, and I can’t think of a better way to release some of the tension that’s been building in my shoulders and, ahem, other parts of my body.
I haven’t had a second to myself, and if I’m going to be living in a mansion for the rest of the summer, you bet I’m going to enjoy everything it has to offer.
I walk in, locking the door behind me.
The tub is half full by the time I get inside, and I let out a gasp when the sizzling hot water envelops me.
Just the way I like it.
I start by washing myself, letting each and every one of my muscles unwind as I run my loofah up my arms.
Then, because my brain strictly refuses to let me have any form of relief, I start to think.
Sorry, I start to overthink.
I think about how quickly my plans changed.
How hard I’m finding my new job. How difficult it’s been to take care of myself…
And I don’t mean emotionally.
I’m barely aware of my hand sliding down my stomach. I didn’t even have to think about it, my fingers falling to the sweet spot between my legs.
Am I really doing this?
The answer seems obvious when I start touching myself, the tip of my index grazing my clit as I sink deeper into the water.
Yes.
Yes, I am.
I dig my teeth into my bottom lip, throwing my head back as I rub myself in quick circles.
Until my fingers aren’t enough.
The images that invade my mind when I grab the showerhead built into the bathtub and direct it between my legs somehow increase the sensation by a million.
In my head, the person touching me is Kane. In my head, he’s in this tub with me, jerking me onto his lap and playing with my clit while his teeth nip at my neck. He spreads me apart, his waiting cock stiff and ready as he—
A moan cuts through the air, and one of my hands jumps to my mouth to lock it up tight. I’ve always known how to take care of myself, but I usually need a toy to help me get there.
Except… the thought of Kane’s dirty mouth next to my ear, whispering unholy promises and dirty secrets, seems to be doing most of the work because pleasure swells in my stomach at an alarming pace.
I inch the showerhead closer to my pussy and hate myself for how fast my orgasm rips me apart.
Jesus Christ.
My hand never leaves my mouth, drowning out my moans as my eyes roll back, my knees quaking as I picture Kane lifting me up by my waist and working his cock inside me.
This is wrong.
So damn wrong.
But I come all the same.
It was a onetime thing.
That’s what I’ve been telling myself since I snuck down the hall into my bedroom a half hour ago.
Shame replaced my orgasm from the moment it drained from my body.
To the point where I wondered if I should take a shower to wash the remorse off my skin. I can’t believe I touched myself while thinking of Kane. But mostly, I can’t believe how hard I came while doing it.
My sudden lack of interest for any guy other than him should’ve tipped me off. I should’ve known he’d done a number on me.
My phone lights up on my nightstand before I can scold myself some more.
It’s a message from the same unknown number. I add Kane’s number into my contacts.
KANE
You going to see him again?
I don’t allow myself to text him back, resting my phone on my bed.
Problem is, the fucker is persistent.
He double texts me right away.
KANE
Don’t ignore me, baby. Hurts my feelings
HADLEY
Fuck off.
His answer comes immediately.
KANE
Come on, Hadley. I already know the answer. I just want to hear it from you.
HADLEY
Hear what?
KANE
That you’re not going to see him again.
I have to force myself to put the phone down.
Stop answering him.
KANE
Why would you go out with a guy who can’t satisfy you, anyway?
KANE
I know what you want, Hads. And it’s not him.
All of my willpower goes flying out the window.
HADLEY
What’s that supposed to mean?
KANE
It means I heard you playing with yourself in the bathroom like the dirty fucking liar that you are.
I think I’m going to flatline for a second there.
He heard me?
I wasn’t being that loud, was I?
Unless… he was trying to listen.
KANE
I figured it could only mean one of two things. Either Cal didn’t finish the job.
He resumes typing, and I can’t take my eyes off the three dots at the bottom of the screen.
KANE
Or he didn’t even start it.
KANE
Which one is it?
I let out a bitter scoff.
HADLEY
You should know considering you’ve been stalking us all night.
KANE
I wasn’t. I just wanted you to think that I was.
I knew it.
He wasn’t even there. He was trying to mess with my head to make sure I didn’t enjoy myself too much.
KANE
You should be thanking me. Gray’s gone, so it’s on me to make sure you don’t go fucking some guy he wouldn’t approve of.
Is he serious?
I can’t believe he’s still trying to make this about Gray when we both know his jealousy is caused by his oversized ego.
He’s so full of himself he doesn’t want the girl who always put him first to forget about him.
He’ll ruin my life so that I don’t kick him out of it. Not because he cares. But because he loves that I did.
Not to mention Gray always liked Cal. Therefore, his argument makes no sense.
HADLEY
Let me make myself clear. Who I fuck is NONE of your business.
He double texts me in a matter of seconds.
KANE
Now let me make myself clear.
KANE
If I have to spend the rest of the summer scaring off every miserable fuck who’s dumb enough to go near you, then that’s what I’ll fucking do.
I type a message I know I’m going to regret.
HADLEY
Even you?
He doesn’t answer for a while.
KANE
Especially me.
This guy is an enigma. Just a few hours ago, he was saying he was ready to chase me, and now he’s acting like he won’t even allow himself to get close to me.
This back-and-forth is driving me insane.
HADLEY
Why?
KANE
Because if I can’t go after what I want, you can be damn sure no one else will.
I have no idea what happened after Scar walked in on us earlier, but his hot-and-cold behavior tells me he’s fighting an inner battle.
There has to be a reason why he won’t let himself act on the tension between us. We’re obviously attracted to each other, but he makes it sound like he’s not allowed to want me.
HADLEY
What are you so afraid of?
I see him start to type, but the moving dots vanish from my screen as quickly as they appeared.
I wait and I wait, but he doesn’t answer, leaving me on Read.
Oh, hell no.
I rise off my bed in one go and throw on a jacket over my pj’s. I don’t care if he’s done with the conversation. I’m not, and I’ll be damned if I let him ghost me again.
I slip into my slides and speed down the hall toward Kane’s bedroom.
I swing the door open and find the room empty.
Where the hell is he?
I go through the first floor of the house at warp speed, my anger losing momentum with every room I check.
Memories of that night I found him singing on the patio resurface, and I charge toward the sliding glass door, turning the patio lights on before stepping outside.
Venturing into the backyard, I comb through the barbecue, sitting, and pool areas with no luck. I’m about to text him to ask where he is when an idea pops into my head.
I make my way to the edge of the patio, stretching my neck and squinting to see the floating dock and gazebo by the beach. Mom, Evie, Gray, Kane and I used to watch the Fourth of July fireworks in there every summer.
Solar lights hang from the roof, illuminating the otherwise pitch-black area, and I strain my eyes for any sign of Kane.
That’s when I see movement in the gazebo.
At least, I think I do?
Couldn’t hurt to look.
Maybe I’m wasting my time. He might not even be there, but I’ve come too far to turn back now. I reach the bottom of the creaky stairs a minute later, following the only source of light on the deserted beach.
I’m afraid my anger will be gone by the time I find him. But then I see a shadow inside the gazebo.
I’m embarrassingly out of breath when I stop in front of the floating dock, my heart beating twice as hard as it normally would. Victory creeps into my chest at the sight of him.
Kane’s sitting on the gazebo’s built-in bench. My satisfaction dies down when I spot the half-full bottle of whiskey in his right hand.
I thought he stopped drinking?
When did he relapse?
He doesn’t notice me until I’m standing inside the gazebo, a few feet away from him.
His green eyes widen in surprise, but he doesn’t get a chance to speak before I blurt out, “Next time you try ghosting a girl, maybe don’t pick the one living in your house.”
He scoffs, avoiding my gaze. “Did you come all this way just to tell me that?”
“I get that you’re not familiar with the concept of good communication, being a professional ghoster and all, but usually, when someone asks you a question, the polite thing to do is answer it.”
He gives a shrug, the picture of indifference, and takes a swig from the whiskey bottle before saying, “I wasn’t ghosting you.”
“I’m sorry, are we talking about now or the last five years?”
We’ve been beating around the bush since I got to the beach house.
He’s done a great job at pretending like he didn’t completely shatter my heart the day he left, and I’ve done a great job at pretending like I haven’t been dying to find out why.
But I’ve had enough of this game.
Time for the truth.
His vicious mouth curls into a smirk. “So, that’s what this is about.”
He really doesn’t care about the pain he’s caused me, does he?
“All right, then.” Kane pushes to his feet, pinning me with a look so raw and unapologetic it makes my blood boil. “Let’s get it over with.”
Let’s get it over with?
He must notice my confusion because he adds, “You clearly have some shit you need to say to me. So, go ahead. Say them.”
“I don’t have anything to say,” I admit.
He doesn’t answer, raising a brow like he’s calling bullshit.
“But I do want something from you.”
“And what might that be?” he asks.
I swallow hard, collecting every drop of courage in my system to say, “An apology.”
The cocky smile slips off his face.
Why is he looking at me like I just suggested that he do coke on Instagram live?
I’m not backing down. “You heard me. I want you to look me in the eyes and apologize.”
He says nothing.
“Look, I’m not asking for a lot here. I just want you to show me a crumb of decency and admit that you fucked up. You kissed me on my birthday, and then you left, never to be heard from again. It was a dick move. You know it, I know it—now, apologize.”
He seems conflicted at first, a million thoughts swirling around his gaze until he severs the eye contact and turns away from me, staring at the ocean in the distance.
“It wouldn’t change anything.” It comes out as a rasp, barely there, but also so poignant it cuts me a little.
“You don’t know that.”
“I can’t give you what you want, Hadley.”
“Why not?” I snap. I’m literally begging him to apologize to me so that little Hadley can stop hating herself and wondering why she wasn’t good enough for five seconds.
“Because I fucking can’t.” He matches my tone, on the brink of losing his temper.
“No, you know what? I changed my mind. I do have something to say to you.” I stomp over to him.
He turns to face me, and his cold exterior destroys the walls I put up around myself.
“I’ve been holding on to this anger for five years. Meanwhile, you forgot all about me the second you got on that plane. You made me feel like I was worthless. When Gray died, I was stupid enough to think you’d come back. Maybe ask me how I’m doing or check on me. But you never did. And now I’m asking you for the bare fucking minimum, and you can’t even give it to me.”
His jaw twitches, but he doesn’t speak.
I just poured my heart out to him, and he still can’t make an effort to acknowledge what he did.
Why am I wasting my breath?
“Fine.” I turn to walk away.
I’ve barely taken a step before he erupts.
“You want an apology?” His voice is rough and laced with disdain. “I’ll give you a fucking apology.”
I keep my back turned to him at first, but he doesn’t seem to like it because he grips my wrist and spins me around in one move.
“I’m sorry,” he breathes.
I wait for him to finish his insincere apology.
“I’m sorry I had to leave before I started caring too much. I’m sorry I walked away so that I wouldn’t spend the rest of my life chasing a girl instead of my dreams. I’m sorry you made leaving so fucking hard that I had to cut all ties with you.
“I’m sorry it was the only way to make sure that I wouldn’t drop everything and come running back the second I heard your voice. I’m sorry, Hads, I really am… But if I hadn’t left when I did, I wouldn’t have left at all.”
My chest hurts, my lungs hurt, my entire body hurts, and I don’t know how to make it stop.
He stares me dead in the eyes. “Your turn.”
I can barely form a sentence, let alone an undeserved apology. “W-What?”
He invades my space until I can feel his breath hit my mouth. “Now you apologize to me.”
“I don’t have anything to apologize for.”
A hateful scoff slips from his lips, his tone accusatory as he spits, “You ruined fame for me. I should’ve been on top of the fucking world after I left. I should’ve been spending every waking moment reveling in my new life, enjoying the money, the attention, the fans, but all I could do was think about you. Did I kiss you and bail? Yes, but you have to know you fucked me up more than I could’ve ever hurt you.
“You ruined my life by not being in it, Hadley. So, yes, fucking apologize to me.”
My heart is pounding uncontrollably.
I sure as hell didn’t expect that.
“I’m… I’m sorry.”
“Yeah?” he asks, darkness trickling into his gaze as he leans in and rasps, “Prove it.”
I part my lips to ask him how.
Only, I don’t get a chance.
Because he jerks my head forward and crushes his lips to mine.
There are kisses…
And then there are make-the-earth-shake kisses.
It doesn’t even take me a second to know this one falls under the second category.
My hands shoot up to his shirt from the moment our mouths slam together, grasping at the fabric as if to keep from collapsing.
Sure enough, my knees nearly give out, but Kane’s hands drop to my waist, clutching my body in a tight grip as he pries my teeth apart with his tongue.
This isn’t happening, my pride screams, but my body’s already answered his call, and when a noise I can only describe as carnal tears from his throat, I put my voice of reason in time-out.
His lips are soft, but his kiss is ravenous, all-consuming, and painfully addictive, making our first kiss in the shed look like a mere preview of the real deal.
We’re not kids anymore.
There is no mistaking the desperation in the way his mouth slides against mine. Our tongues tangle together, and any ounce of resistance is drained from my body.
Kane’s tongue thrusts deeper, owning every secret and lie to have ever escaped my mouth.
“Are you sorry?” he growls against my parted lips.
We’re already chasing the next kiss, the next touch, and I trap his hair in my fist, pulling on the brown strands.
“I’m sorry,” I pant, but it sounds like I’m begging him, and the low growl sounding in his throat mixes with my plea.
Am I?
I don’t know.
All I know is I don’t want this kiss to end, and if it means I need to hog the blame for ruining his life, then I’ll do what I have to.
“Fuck. Again,” he commands before trapping my bottom lip between his teeth and releasing it.
“I’m sorry,” I repeat.
My apology seems to destroy his resolve because he pulls back instantly, his mouth attaching to my neck and sucking on the skin under my ear. “You better fucking mean it.”
I only realize he’s branding my body when the nip of his teeth makes me wince.
But it doesn’t mean I don’t let him finish what he started, too wrapped up in him to think about the consequences of sporting a giant hickey.
I think he’s done when his mouth disconnects from my neck, but he goes right back in for more. I stop him before he bruises my skin any more than he already has, pulling on his head and guiding his lips back to mine.
But he refuses to stay there long, unzipping my jacket without a warning and dipping his head lower.
I stiffen up instantly, and he seems to notice because he rasps, “Relax, baby.”
I do, letting him undo the first few buttons of my short-sleeved silk pajamas. He yanks the fabric down, exposing my collarbone and the small tattoo on my shoulder. He leaves kisses all over my clavicle.
But then he stops.
His eyes latch onto the years inked on my shoulder.
The first is the year Gray and I were born.
And the last is the year he died.
Underneath it are two hands reaching for one another with the words, Until we meet again.
I got it with Maggie last semester. Only she could convince me to agree to such torture. Getting the tattoo was so painful I almost passed out, but all in all, I’m glad I did it. This way, I can carry Gray with me. At least, until we’re reunited.
Kane’s face changes as soon as he sees the numbers, his eyes turning cold.
“I got it last semester,” I explain.
Kane gives a nod, releasing my silk shirt and stepping away.
Just like that, the spell is broken, the magic is reversed, and the boy who was kissing me less than a minute ago now looks like he’d do anything to put a thousand miles between us.
I chew on my bottom lip, my chest still heaving with shallow breaths. “Is everything okay?”
Avoiding my gaze, Kane shoves a nervous hand through his hair. “I’m fine, I just… I need to go.”
“What?” is all I manage to say before he spins…
…and leaves me there.
