I used to think nothing could compare to the feelings I get when I’m onstage.
Told myself nothing and no one could possibly bring me as much happiness as performing does.
How could anything ever top the surreal experience that is looking out onto a crowd of adoring, screaming fans?
But that was before I got myself a feisty little thing with red hair and a knack for putting me in my place.
Suddenly, being adored by a million strangers doesn’t mean nearly as much as being loved by this one girl. And the only person I want to hear screaming my name is her.
“FYI, your staring really isn’t as romantic as you think it is.” Hadley cracks one eye open, her lips twitching when I shoot her a “how the fuck did you know?” look.
If you’d told me before summer started that I’d turn into some sort of lovesick dumbass who watches his girl sleep, I would have pointed you to the nearest insane asylum.
It’s gotten to a point where I’m not even whipped anymore.
I’m Hadley’s bitch.
“How long you been staring, creep?” she says on a yawn.
I shrug. “Long enough to know you sleep with your mouth open.”
A soft chuckle leaves her. “Yeah, well, you talk in your sleep.”
She isn’t the first to tell me that—Scar and the rest of the band mentioned it on tour—so I know it’s true, but I make it a point to deny it just to piss her off.
“That’s bullshit.”
“It’s true!” My baby sits up in bed, running a hand through her wild red hair. “I swear I heard you saying Gray’s name like three times.”
My smile fades instantly.
I didn’t remember last night’s dream until this exact moment, but she’s right. I was having a dream about Gray—although the correct term here would be “nightmare.”
It’s been a hot minute since I’ve had a nightmare this vivid.
Especially one about him.
I feel like I could puke as images play out in my head, faces, places, and moments blurring together.
Fuck, I thought those were gone.
“You okay?” Hadley picks up on it right away.
I’m quick to snap out of it, shoving memories of that day to the back of my brain and offering her my most convincing smile. “I’m fine.”
“You sure? You’re looking a little pale.” She brings her hand to my forehead to check my temperature, but I intercept it, grabbing her wrist and pulling her on top of me.
She laughs, the sound going straight to my cock as I throw my arms around her. Hadley rests her head on my chest, draping one of her legs over my thighs and placing a soft kiss against my pec.
“What was the dream about?” she asks, drawing the curve of my tattoo with her fingertip.
“I don’t remember,” I lie.
“Well, do you want to know what my dream was about?”
I nod. “Tell me.”
Ocean-blue eyes plunge into mine, and I use my hand to cup her face, my thumb sliding across her bottom lip.
Shit, she’s breathtaking.
So much so that she’s fucking painful to look at.
“You and I were horse racing in the grocery store, and if we lost, we’d get our face shoved in a bucket of hot sauce.”
I snort. “Damn. Did we win, at least?”
“No, but I wasn’t going to let them hot-sauce us to death, so I pulled a coconut out of my jeans and beat them up.”
I bite back a laugh, twirling a strand of her hair around my finger. “Them who?”
She rolls her eyes dramatically. “The people forcing us to horse race in the grocery store, keep up.”
We exchange glances and burst out laughing.
God, her laugh.
It’s breathy and quiet and so fucking beautiful.
Our laughter dies down a heartbeat later, the radiant smile on her lips fading along with it.
It’s as though she just realized something, and that something sucked every ounce of joy from her body.
“What’s wrong?” I drop my hand to the small of her back.
“I was just thinking about the bonfire.”
Oh.
That.
Last night was a shitshow.
And I’m not saying I’m innocent, but even she has to admit Cal was just begging to have his fucking teeth kicked in. Granted, he was drunk off his face, but there’s no excuse for what he said to her.
No one disrespects my girl and gets away with it. It’s bad enough that he was pressuring her when she’d made it crystal clear she wasn’t into him, but bringing up Gray? There was no goddamn way he was going home without a black eye after that one.
Worry darkens her features. “Do you think Jamie’s mad at me?”
I raise a brow. “Why would she be?”
“Gee, I don’t know. Maybe because I rejected her brother twice. Oh, and my boyfriend punched him in the face.”
Her boyfriend.
Hearing her say that feels damn near orgasmic. If we weren’t in the middle of a serious conversation, I’d be pulling my phone out, asking her to say it again and using that shit as my fucking ringtone.
“You weren’t the one refusing to take no for an answer.” I rub her back.
She gives a small nod, averting her sad puppy eyes and chewing on the inside of her cheek.
Jesus, I’m pretty sure shoving my hand into a blender would hurt less than seeing her like this.
“Hey.” I tilt her chin forward, guiding her gaze to mine. “It wasn’t your fault. Jamie will understand.”
“I’m sure you’re right.”
I can tell she means that—at least, a part of her does—but it doesn’t quiet her demons. It’s tearing her apart and making me feel horribly powerless.
“Fuck, just… come here.” The words are out of my mouth before my brain can process them.
Next thing I know, I’m wrapping a hand around her neck and crashing my lips to her hard enough to draw a gasp from her throat.
Hadley welcomes my mouth, the way she always does, opening her own to invite my tongue inside.
Our tongues meet instantly, tasting each other and leaving her desperate for oxygen. I don’t waste a second locating her ass, taking a handful over her shorts and squeezing until my cock is straining against my sweats.
My other hand drops to her bare thigh, my fingers digging into her flesh like I’m trying to mark her skin with reminders of who she belongs to.
Fuck, I need to taste her.
Now.
“Ride my face,” I pull away to say.
Her blue eyes flare, her tongue slipping out to wet her bottom lip.
Oh, she wants it.
I know my girl’s tells, and she wants me to go to fucking town on her pussy.
“I haven’t showered yet,” she says like that carries any weight in the decision-making process. “I fell asleep before I could get a chance.”
Ah, that’s right.
Last night, after we fucked in the pool house, I took her up to my room and suggested that we shower together. She was all for it. Problem is, she passed out the second her head hit my pillow, and I didn’t have the heart to wake her, so I showered alone.
I wait for her to elaborate. “So?”
“So, I don’t want to smell like tuna fish.”
The corners of my lips twitch. “I could go for some sushi.”
She laughs, the blush on her cheeks deepening. “I’m serious. I wouldn’t even want you to touch me down there, let alone eat me.”
It’s clear there’s no changing her mind, so I decide not to argue. The longer I fight her on this, the longer it’ll take before she’s coming on my face.
“Fine,” I relent and smack a loud kiss on her mouth. “But hurry that pretty ass up.”
She flashes a warm smile. “Promise.”
I watch her walk out of my room. It takes a boatload of self-talk for me not to join her in the bathroom, but I know, even if she’d never admit it, that she needs that time to herself. My girl’s independent like that.
Doesn’t mean I don’t spend the next fifteen minutes imagining her running soap all over her body.
I’m getting a severe case of blue balls by the time the door opens and she comes out in nothing but a tiny towel.
Fuck meee.
She pins me with a look I know damn well.
“Now, where were we?” she asks.
Then she’s making her way over to me. She takes a goddamn century to cross my room, teasing me and loving every second of my misery.
“Crawl,” I tell her once she stops at the end of my bed.
She hesitates. “Like…”
“That’s right, get on all fours and crawl to me.”
I see her throat bob, but she doesn’t protest, inching closer to the mattress.
I stop her. “Drop the towel first.”
She does that, too.
I give her a once-over, memorizing the freckles on her perky tits, the curve of her hips, and that smooth little pussy…
God, I know we don’t talk much, but I owe you one for making Hadley Queen.
My breath hitches when she starts to crawl.
She has that look in her eyes. The one telling me she wants everything I’m about to give her, but knowing her, I’m going to have to pry it out of her.
Preferably with my tongue.
I only realize I’m holding my breath when she gets on top of me, straddling me and reducing my self-control to pieces.
“You have five seconds to shove that pussy in my face.”
She cracks a shy smile. “Or what?”
I frown. “Three seconds.”
My countdown kicks her ass into high gear.
She obliges, but she angles her body so that she’s facing away from me and her mouth is lined up with my cock.
Jesus.
I immediately understand where she’s going with this, and while I don’t mind sixty-nining, I don’t know how the fuck I’m going to be able to hold back while she’s blowing me and sitting on my tongue.
Both of my hands fly to her ass cheeks, and I spread her for a better view.
“Fucking hell, baby,” I growl before lurching forward and capturing her clit between my teeth.
I’m so focused on getting her off that I barely feel her pulling my sweats down to my knees. My cock springs out, the little noises she makes when I place kisses up and down her pussy lips driving me so insane I make it a point to make her come quickly.
There’s no way I’ll be able to fuck her if she keeps this up.
Her mouth closes around my cock, and my head kicks back for a moment.
Yep, I don’t stand a chance.
I go twice as hard on her clit, sucking and nibbling until she’s moaning around my dick. I’m pretty sure I go blind as she takes me in her mouth so deep she starts to gag.
I want nothing more than to enjoy her tongue twirling around my cock as she deep-throats me, but I know if I give myself over to her mouth, I’ll be blowing down her throat before I’m finished with her.
I start by pushing two fingers inside her, assaulting her clit with my mouth repeatedly and gripping her ass so tight you’ll be able to see my handprint for a week.
“Oh, God. Kane,” she moans, and I take it as a sign to keep going.
I don’t change a thing, not my rhythm, not the circular motion of my tongue. She told me once that guys tend to change what they’re doing when girls tell them it feels good when instead, they should be sticking to what works and doubling their efforts.
I have no idea how I manage not to spill inside her mouth, but by some miracle, I pull it off, devouring her until she starts rocking against my mouth. The back-and-forth of her hips is my first cue.
“Shit, shit… I… This feels incredible,” she whimpers, releasing my cock and sitting up.
Another moan.
Another flick of my tongue.
“I’m right there.” She sinks her nails into my chest.
And then she’s coming on my face.
Squirting is more like it.
“Oh my God!” She bites back a gasp, a mixture of shock and pleasure lacing her voice.
I’ve made a few girls squirt before, but this will be the first time I’ve gotten Hadley there. When I tell you I feel on top of the world right now.
She, on the other hand, seems horrified because she climbs off me not even two seconds after the orgasm drains from her body.
“I’m so sorry. I can’t believe I did that. This has never happened before. I’m so—”
My hand darts to her throat, and I squeeze just enough to shut her up. “This is by far the hottest fucking thing I’ve ever seen in my life. Don’t apologize.”
I crush my lips to hers, hoping to show her just how much I don’t care that she turned into a human fountain for a second there. I kiss her until she’s breathless and pushing on my chest to draw air into her lungs.
My first thought is that she’s going to need a second to recover, but she seems to have other plans because the next thing I know, she’s straddling me and taking my cock into her mouth again.
I was already right on the brink, so I know it won’t be long until I blow down her throat. As I expected, all she has to do is twirl her tongue around the tip of my cock a few times, and I’m coming deep inside her mouth.
“Jesus fucking…” I can’t even finish a sentence, pumping into her mouth one more time.
As soon as we’re both able to function again, Hadley gets dressed, and I throw my clothes back on.
I pull her into my arms, planting a kiss on her forehead. That’s when the same troubled expression as before creeps into her gaze and I know I only managed to take her mind off her worries temporarily.
“What? What’s wrong?” I pull back.
“We’re leaving soon.”
The reminder feels like a hot poker entering my chest.
“I know,” I whisper.
I’ve been killing myself to not think about it all week. I don’t want to go back to LA, I don’t want to get back to reality, and I sure as hell don’t want to be apart from the only good thing in my life.
How am I supposed to function without her?
How am I supposed to go from having her in my fucking house to being miles and miles away from her? I have no idea how to handle Hadley not sleeping down the hall, and I’ve done a good job at running away from my problems up until now.
“What about after?” She brushes the back of her hand against my cheek. “What’s going to happen to us?”
The answer seems evident. “We’re going to be long-distance for a while. Then, once you’re done with school, I’ll move back home, or you’ll move to LA. I don’t fucking know, but we’ll make it work.”
“What about the world? Your fans? Are we going to tell them we’re dating?”
That’s the tricky part.
I don’t want to add fuel to the fire by telling people something this important while I’m public enemy number one. We’ll just have to wait until the dust has settled.
“We will. When the time is right.”
I’m glad she brought it up. We haven’t had a chance to talk about what’s going to happen when the news breaks. It’s one thing to be the most hated celebrity in the world; it’s another to drag her into my shit.
“But before we do, I need you to understand something.”
“What?”
I blow out a breath. “What it means to be mine…”
She nods, her blue eyes filled with curiosity. “Tell me.”
“Once we announce that we’re together, your life is over. Or at least, your life the way you know it. Your image, your body, your freedom. None of that shit will belong to you anymore. You’ll be giving up your privacy to a bunch of soulless creeps with cameras and an obsession with scandal. Once we go public, everything is going to change. Everything. Are you sure that’s what you want?”
She doesn’t speak for long seconds.
“I… I want you.” She gives me a look so innocent and clueless it tears me up inside.
She doesn’t know what she’s getting herself into.
My teeth clench. “Goddamn it, Hadley. I’m trying to be the bigger man here.”
She thinks on it for a few more seconds.
Her gaze lifts to mine, and my heart caves in on itself. “A public life with you is a thousand times better than a private one without you.”
Thank God.
I can’t help myself. I have to kiss her, so I do, grabbing her jaw and taking her lips with mine. She answers by slipping her hands into my hair and tugging.
I lick past the seam of her mouth and thrust my tongue inside, but then I’m moving away, ending the kiss and uttering words I never thought I’d say in my entire life.
“I’m so fucking in love with you.”
Her jaw nearly hits the ground.
It feels like she doesn’t blink or say a word for a whole minute.
“I… You’re just saying that because I made you come.” She says it as a joke, but I detect a hint of truth in her tone.
“I’m saying it because it’s true.”
Her eyes get misty, and man, my entire body aches.
“I love you, Hads. I’ve loved you since the moment you told my dad to eat shit in the sunroom when we were kids. Jesus, I loved you when I didn’t even fucking know it. When I was on the other side of the planet selling out shows and trying to convince myself that I wasn’t completely miserable. I kept the guitar you gave me to remind myself of how royally I fucked up the day I let you go. So that I’d never forget that everything I have, I owe to you. I never thanked you properly. I mean, fuck, you didn’t just save me from my dad, Hadley. You saved my fucking life.
“You’re the reason I was able to get my mom out of poverty.
The reason I was able to do what I love most in this world for the past five years. You showed me it was okay to follow my dreams when I thought it was impossible. You posted the video, and you believed in me when I couldn’t. Hadley, you’re the only good I’ve ever done. You’re… You’re my whole fucking heart.”
Tears are streaming down her face now, but mark my words, this is the one and only instance where I’ll allow Hadley Queen to cry over me.
“I love you. I love you so fucking much,” I repeat.
She wipes her cheek with the back of her hand. “I—”
The door opens, startling the both of us. “Dude, I need to talk to you.”
Scar’s intrusion doesn’t surprise me nearly as much as it pisses me off. I look at my drummer standing in the doorway, staring venom-laced bullets into his forehead.
He realizes he interrupted something when he notices the tears coating Hadley’s cheeks.
“Shit, sorry, I didn’t know—”
I cut in. “Get out. We’re busy.”
“This can’t wait. Meet me downstairs in a few?” he presses, and I know the bastard’s not going to drop it until I hear him out.
“Fine,” I say dryly.
I don’t even wait for him to close my bedroom door before directing my focus back to Hadley.
“I believe you were in the middle of saying something.”
Her lips curl into a grin. “Was I? I don’t remember.”
“If that’s how you want to play it.”
I’m pinning her under me before she has a chance to protest, caging her in with my arms and relishing in her laughter as I bring my forehead to hers.
“Hadley,” I warn, needing to hear her say it back.
“What?” She plays dumb.
“Finish what you started.”
She has me on the edge of my fucking seat.
Then she says it.
“I love you, too.”
I was wrong.
This is better than anything I’ve ever done.
Better than performing, better than playing music.
Nothing can top this.
“Not to sound like a girl, but I just threw my bleeding fucking heart at your feet, and that’s all you’re going to give me?”
A chuckle escapes her. “What more do you want?”
“Like, how much are we talking? Do you love me a little? A lot? You’ve got to give me something.”
She responds by pecking the corner of my mouth. “I’ve loved you almost as long as I’ve been alive. If that doesn’t tell you what you want to know, nothing will.”
That’s what I wanted to hear.
We must make out for over five minutes. I have every intention of fucking her into this mattress until I remember that Scar’s waiting downstairs.
Goddamn it.
I’m ninety-nine percent sure I know what he wants to talk about.
It’s always the same shit these days.
Do you know what you’re doing?
You and Hadley can’t be together, and you know it.
I’ve already lost my temper and punched him in the face over it once this summer.
He punched me back, and it cut my lip open. Then we said we were even. I figured we were cool, but he better not talk my ears off about how I’m making a mistake dating her, or I’m going to give him another black eye.
I know what I’m doing is fucked-up.
But I can’t help it.
I need her.
“You should go talk to Scar,” Hadley chimes. “Then maybe we can… seal the deal, if you know what I mean.”
I like that idea. A lot.
“Sounds like a plan.” I kiss her one last time before rising off the bed.
“Bring me back a glass of water? I’m thirsty,” she asks, grabbing her phone off my nightstand.
I nod. “You got it.”
I jog down the stairs with a sigh. I spot Scar waiting for me in the kitchen, irritation contaminating the happiness I was feeling just seconds ago.
“We should talk outside.” I gesture to the patio with my chin.
“I checked the house. Evie and Hadley’s mom are out.”
“And Drea?”
“She’s gone back to LA a week early.”
What the fuck?
“Why?”
I think I see a flash of regret in his eyes. “Not important.”
Okay?
I’m surprised she didn’t talk to me about it.
Shit, I did get a text from her last night, but I didn’t bother opening it.
“Let’s get this over with,” I drawl, coming to a stop in front of him.
This guy is the closest friend I’ve had since Gray. I consider him my fucking brother, but I don’t want to hear what he’s about to tell me.
I get that he’s just trying to look out for me, but he doesn’t understand what it’s like.
I don’t have a choice.
Not when it comes to her.
“I thought we talked about this,” he scolds me.
“Dude, no offense, but I’m really not in the mood for one of your lectures.”
He lets out a bitter scoff, inching closer. “Do you think I want to lecture you? I don’t. But you’re not giving me much of a choice here. Are you seriously dating her?”
“I am, not that it’s any of your business.”
“Considering you’re dating Gray’s sister, it is my fucking business. Jesus Christ, man, are you trying to get caught? You’re not fucking alone in this. You go down, I go down with you.”
Alarms blare in my head.
I don’t want to go there.
We promised we wouldn’t talk about this ever again.
We fucking swore.
Every time he pulled me aside this summer, he’d get on my case about getting close to Hadley, but he never mentioned Gray.
He never went into details like this.
I can’t handle the details. They make me fucking sick.
“We’re not doing this.” I shut him out.
“Yes, we are. I’m not going to fucking jail because you can’t keep it in your pants.”
My fists roll into tight weapons, and I have no doubt if he keeps this up, said weapons are going leave a big bruise on his face.
“Out of all the pussy in the world. All the fucking girls who would throw themselves at your feet without a moment’s hesitation. Why’d you have to go for her? The one girl who could ruin our lives?”
“Because I’m in love with her.” I state the fact.
Color spills from his face, but he’s quick to restore his poker face.
“That’s just your guilt speaking.”
“Maybe. Maybe not. Doesn’t feel any less real.”
Either way, if I’ve learned anything from sharing a house with Hadley, it’s that my feelings are not going away.
“Okay, I’m sorry, but this is bullshit. You’re not in love with her. And even if you were, do you really think she’d love you back if she knew? Do you think she’d ever forgive you?”
I keep my mouth shut. Partly because he’s right.
Hadley Queen would never be mine.
Not if she knew I played a part in the worst day of her life.
Scar grips my shoulders as if to knock some sense into me. “Man, I’m fucking begging you. Get that girl out of your life before—”
“No.”
That’s what makes him snap.
“You think you can just pretend like you didn’t kill her fucking brother?”
There must be something in the air
Some sort of chemical.
Something toxic.
All I know is I can’t fucking breathe.
I shake my head, shoving his hands off me and stumbling backward.
“I… I didn’t kill him.”
Air.
I need air.
“No, but you know who did.”
Fuck.
Fuck.
I need to leave.
“You’ve been covering for that piece of shit for so long you might as well have pulled the trigger yourself.”
I was having a hard time breathing before, but now? I’m suffocating.
“I know we said we’d never talk about it again, but I can’t keep watching you…”
I don’t hear what he says after that.
I spin, ready to get the hell out of there.
That’s when I see her…
My baby.
Standing in the hallway with glassy eyes and her hand pressed to her mouth.
No.
No, no, no.
“Hadley!”
The next few seconds are a blur.
I do everything in my power to soldier through my panic attack, chasing after her from the moment she starts to run.
“Hadley!” I shout, my voice cracking.
I see her turn the corner, just a few steps behind her.
She doesn’t look at me or even acknowledge me calling her name.
She enters a room.
The bathroom.
And then a door is slamming in my face.
I hear her lock herself in the bathroom over the pulse of my own heart.
I pound against the door, sputtering out pleas I’m not even sure make sense.
I beg even though there’s no point.
I beg…
…even though I’ve lost her.
