I was late to the football game. After Alex left, I stripped down to my bra and underwear and jumped into the pool to grab my keys. Thanks to Alex, I got a demotion. Darlene, the co-captain of the pom squad, is now officially the captain. It took me a half hour to dry my hair and reapply my makeup in the girl’s changing room. Ms. Small was p.o.’d I was late to the game. She told me I should feel lucky I got a demotion instead of being suspended from the squad.
After the game, I lay down on the living room couch with my sister. My hair still smells like chlorine, but I’m too tired to care. As I watch reality shows after dinner, my eyes start to close.
“Brit, wake up. Colin is here,” my mom says, shaking me.
I look up at Colin, standing over me. He puts his hands up. “You ready?”
Oh, man. I forgot about Shane’s party, which was planned months ago. I’m so not in the mood. “Let’s ditch it and stay home.”
“Are you kidding? Everyone is expecting us to be there. There’s no way you’re missing the biggest bash of the year.” He looks at my sweatpants and T-shirt that says GET CHECKED, which I got when I did the Breast Cancer Walk last year. “I’ll wait while you get changed. Hurry up. Why don’t you wear that black minidress I love?”
I drag myself to my closet to change. In the corner, lying next to my DKNY tank top, is Alex’s bandanna. I washed it last night, but I close my eyes and bring it to my nose to see if his scent lingers in the fabric. All I smell is laundry detergent and find myself disappointed. I’m not ready to analyze my feelings right now, especially since Colin is downstairs waiting for me.
Slipping on the black minidress and fixing my hair and makeup takes a while. I hope Colin isn’t pissed I’m taking so long. I have to get it right. My mom will surely comment on my appearance in front of him.
Back downstairs, I see Colin sitting on the edge of the couch ignoring Shelley. I think he’s nervous around her.
My mom “the inspector” walks over to me and feels my hair. “Did you condition?”
Does she mean before or after my swim in the pool to retrieve my keys? I push her hand away. “Mom, please.”
“You look amazing,” Colin says, sidling up beside me.
Thankfully Mom backs away, obviously pleased and comforted by Colin’s approval even if my hair isn’t perfect.
During the ride to Shane’s house, I study my boyfriend of two years. The first time we kissed was during a spin-the-bottle game at Shane’s house our sophomore year. We made out in front of everyone, Colin taking me in his arms and kissing me for a full five minutes. Yes, the onlookers timed it. We’ve been a couple ever since.
“Why are you looking at me like that?” he asks, glancing my way.
“I was remembering the first time we kissed.”
“At Shane’s place. Yeah, we sure put on a show for everyone, didn’t we? Even the seniors back then were impressed.”
“Now we’re the seniors.”
“And we’re still the golden couple, babe,” he says, pulling into Shane’s driveway. “Let the party start, the golden couple has arrived!” Colin yells when we walk into the house.
Colin joins the guys while I search for Sierra. I find her in the living room. Sierra hugs me, then motions to a spot on the sofa next to her. A bunch of girls from the pom squad are here, including Darlene.
“Now that Brit’s here,” Sierra says, “we can start playing.”
“Who would you rather kiss?” Madison asks.
Sierra leans back on the couch. “Let’s start easy. Pug or poodle?”
I laugh. “You mean as in dog?”
“Yeah.”
“Okay,” I say. Poodles are cute and cuddly, but Pugs are more masculine and have that don’t-mess-with-me look. As much as I like cute and cuddly, a poodle won’t cut it. “Pug.”
Morgan scrunches up her face. “Ew! Poodle for sure. Pugs have that pushed-in nose and snorting problem. Not conducive to kissing.”
“We’re not actually going to try it, dumbass,” Sierra says.
“I’ve got one,” I say. “Coach Garrison or Mr. Harris the math teacher?”
Every girl says in unison, “Garrison!”
“He is such a hottie,” Megan says.
Sierra giggles. “I hate to break the news, but I hear he’s gay.”
“No way,” Megan says. “You sure? Well, even if he is, I’d still pick him over Harris any day.”
“I’ve got one,” Darlene chimes in. “Colin Adams or Alex Fuentes?”
All eyes turn to me. Then Sierra nudges me, giving me a hint we’ve got company—Colin. Why did Darlene set me up like that?
Everyone’s eyes now focus on Colin, standing behind me.
“Oops. Sorry,” Darlene says, covering her slip of the tongue.
“Everyone knows Brittany would choose Colin,” Sierra pipes in as she pops a pretzel into her mouth.
Megan sneers. “Darlene, what’s wrong with you?”
“What? It’s only a game, Megan.”
“Yeah, but we’re playing a different game than you’re playing.”
“What’s that supposed to mean? Just because you don’t have a boyfriend—”
Colin walks past us and heads for the patio. After giving Darlene a pissed-off look and silently praising Megan for telling her off, I follow him outside.
I find Colin sitting on one of the lounge chairs by the pool.
“Did you have to fucking hesitate when Darlene asked that question?” he says to me. “You made a fool out of me back there.”
“Yeah, well, I’m not very happy with Darlene right now.”
He gives a short laugh. “Don’t you get it? It’s not Darlene’s fault.”
“You think it’s mine? As if I asked for Alex to be my partner.”
He stands. “You didn’t protest too much.”
“You want to fight, Colin?”
“Maybe I do. You don’t even know how to be a girlfriend.”
“How can you say that? Who took you to the hospital when you sprained your wrist? Who ran onto the field and kissed you after your first touchdown? Who came to visit you every day last year when you got chicken pox?”
I got driving lessons against my will. I passed out drunk in Alex’s arms, but I didn’t know what I was doing. Nothing happened with Alex. I’m innocent, even if I have thoughts that aren’t.
“That was last year.” Colin takes my hand and leads me into the house. “I want you to show me how much you care. Now.”
We enter Shane’s bedroom and Colin pulls me down on the bed with him.
I push him away when he nuzzles my neck.
“Stop acting like I’m going to force you, Brit,” Colin slurs. The bed creaks under his weight. “Ever since school started you’ve been acting like a damn prude.”
I sit up. “I don’t want to base our relationship on sex. It’s like we never talk anymore.”
“So talk,” he says as his hand wanders on my chest.
“You go first. You say something, then I’ll say something.”
“That’s the stupidest fucking thing I’ve ever heard. I don’t have anything to say, Brit. If you’ve got something on your mind, let it out.”
I breathe deeply, chastising myself for feeling more comfortable with Alex than here in a bed with Colin. I can’t let our relationship end. My mom would freak, my friends would freak . . . the solar system would go out of alignment. . . .
Colin pulls me beside him. I can’t break up with him just because I’m scared of having sex. He is, after all, a virgin, too. And he’s waiting for me so we could share our first time together. Most of our friends have done it; maybe I’m being silly about the whole thing. Maybe my interest in Alex is my excuse to avoid doing it with Colin.
Colin’s arm snakes around my waist. We’ve spent two years together, why blow it all for some silly attraction to someone I shouldn’t even be talking to?
When his lips are inches from mine, my gaze freezes. On Shane’s dresser is a picture. Shane and Colin at the beach this summer. There are two girls with them, and Colin has his arms intimately around the cute one with brown hair and a short, shag cut. They’re smiling wide, as if they have a secret they aren’t about to share.
I point to the picture. “Who’s that?” I ask, trying to keep the unease out of my voice.
“Just a couple of girls we met at the beach,” he says, leaning back while looking at the picture.
“What’s the name of the girl you have your arm around?”
“I don’t know. I think it was Mia or something like that.”
“You look like a couple,” I say.
“That’s ridiculous. Come here,” he says, pushing himself up and blocking my view of the picture. “You’re the one I want now, Brit.”
What does he mean by now? As if he wanted Mia over the summer, but now he wants me? Am I overanalyzing his words?
Before I can think further, he eases my dress and bra up to my chin. I’m trying to get into the mood and convince myself my hesitation stems from my nervous ness. “Did you lock the door?” I ask, filing my uneasiness into the dark recesses of my mind.
“Yeah,” he says, totally concentrating on my breasts.
Knowing I need to participate but having a hard time motivating myself, I feel him through his pants.
Colin lifts himself up, pushes my hand away, and unzips himself. When he lowers his pants down to his knees he says, “Come on, Brit. Let’s try something new.”
It’s not feeling right, it feels orchestrated. I move closer, although my mind is far away.
The door creaks open and Shane’s head pokes into the room. His mouth stretches into a wide grin. “Holy shit! Where’s a cell phone camera when you need one?”
“I thought you locked the door!” I say angrily to Colin as I quickly pull my bra and dress back down. “You lied to me.”
Colin grabs the blanket and covers himself. “Shane, give us some fucking privacy, will ya? Brit, stop freaking out like a psycho.”
“In case you hadn’t noticed, this is my room,” Shane says. He leans against the doorway and wiggles his eyebrows at me. “Brit, tell me the truth. Are those real?”
“Shane, you’re a pig,” I say, then move away from Colin.
Colin reaches for me as I hop off the bed. “Come back here, Brit. I’m sorry I didn’t lock it. I was caught up in the moment.”
The problem is, the unlocked door is only part of the reason why I’m mad. He called me “psycho” and didn’t think twice about it. And he didn’t defend me to Shane. I look back at my boyfriend. “Yeah? Well right now I’m caught up in the act of leaving,” I say.
At one thirty in the morning I’m staring at my cell phone in my bedroom. Colin has called thirty-six times. And left ten messages. Since Sierra drove me home, I’ve ignored him. Mostly because I need to let my anger deflate. I’m mortified Shane saw me half undressed. In the time it took me to find Sierra and asked her to take me home, at least five people were whispering about my show in Shane’s room. I don’t want to blow up like my mom does, and I was about to lose it on Shane and Colin back at Shane’s house.
By Colin’s thirty-ninth call, my heart rate is as slow as it’s gonna get tonight.
I finally answer it. “Stop calling me,” I say.
“I’ll stop calling when you listen to what I have to say,” Colin says on the other end of the line, frustration laced through his voice.
“So talk. I’m listening.”
I hear him take a deep breath. “I’m sorry, Brit. I’m sorry I didn’t lock the door tonight. I’m sorry for wanting to have sex. I’m sorry one of my best friends thinks he’s funny when he’s not. I’m sorry I can’t stand watching you and Fuentes in Peterson’s class. I’m sorry I changed this summer.”
I don’t know what to say. He has changed. Have I? Or am I the same person who he said good-bye to before he left for the summer? I don’t know. There’s one thing I do know, though. “Colin, I don’t want to fight anymore.”
“Me, neither. Can you just try to forget tonight ever happened? I promise I’ll make it up to you. Remember our anniversary last year when my uncle flew us to Michigan for the day in his Cessna?”
We ended up at a resort. When we got to the restaurant for dinner that night, a huge bouquet of red roses was on our table, along with a turquoise box. Inside was a white gold bracelet from Tiffany’s. “I remember.”
“I’m going to buy you the earrings that match the bracelet, Brit.”
I don’t have the heart to tell him that it’s not the earrings I want. I love the bracelet a ton and wear it all the time. But what blew me away wasn’t the gift, it was that Colin went above and beyond in the planning of the day just to make it super special for us. That’s what I remember when I look at the bracelet. Not the gift, but the meaning behind it. I’ve only seen small glimpses of that Colin since school started.
The expensive earrings would be a symbol of Colin’s apology and would remind me of tonight. It might also serve to guilt me into giving something to him . . . like my virginity. He might not think of it consciously, but just the fact that the thought is lingering in my mind is a sign. I don’t want that pressure. “Colin, I don’t want the earrings.”
“Then what do you want? Tell me.”
It takes me a while to answer. Six months ago I could have written a hundred-page essay on what I wanted. Since school started, everything has turned around. “Right now I don’t know what I want.” I feel bad for saying it, but it’s the truth.
“Well, when you figure it out will you clue me in?”
Yeah, if I ever figure it out myself.
