I pull into a McDonald’s where I can be anonymous, change into jeans and a pink wrap-around sweater, and drive home.
I’m scared because with Alex, it feels too raw. When I’m with Alex, everything is way more intense. My feelings, my emotions, my desire. I was never addicted to Colin, never wanted to be with him twenty-four/ seven. I crave Alex. Oh, God. I think I’m falling in love with him.
But I know loving someone means losing a part of myself. And tonight, in the car when Alex reached under my dress, I was afraid of losing control. My entire life is about staying in control, so this is not good. It scares me.
I walk through the front door of my house, ready to sneak up to my room and put the dress in my closet. Unfortunately, my mom is standing in the foyer, waiting for me.
“Where were you?” my mother asks sternly while holding up my chemistry book and folder. “You said you were working out, then studying with that Hernandez boy.”
Busted. Time to either shut up or fess up. “His last name is Fuentes, not Hernandez. And yes, I was with him.”
Silence.
My mother’s lips are in a tight, thin line. “It’s obvious you weren’t studying. What do you have in that gym bag?” she demands. “Drugs? Are you hiding drugs in there?”
“I don’t do drugs,” I respond sharply.
She cocks an eyebrow and points to my bag. “Open it,” she orders.
I huff and kneel down to unzip it. I feel like a jail inmate. Pulling out my dress, I hold it up.
“A dress?” my mother asks.
“I went to a wedding with Alex. His cousin got married.”
“That boy made you lie to me. He’s manipulating you, Brittany.”
“He didn’t make me lie, Mom,” I say, exasperated. “Give me a little credit, would you? I did it all on my own.”
Her anger is in full swing, I can tell by the way her eyes are blazing and her hands are shaking. “If I ever . . . EVER find you were out with that boy again, I’ll have no problem convincing your father that you should be sent to boarding school the rest of your senior year. Don’t you think I have enough to worry about with Shelley? Promise me you’ll have no other contact with him outside of school.”
I promise, then run to my room and call Sierra.
“What’s up?” she says.
“Sierra, I need a best friend right now.”
“And you chose me? Gee, I’m flattered,” she says dryly.
“Okay, I lied to you. I like Alex. Big-time.”
Silence.
Silence.
“Sierra, are you there? Or are you ignoring me?”
“I’m not ignoring you, Brit. I’m just wondering why you chose to tell me now.”
“Because I need to talk about it. With you. Do you hate me?”
“You’re my best friend,” she says.
“And you’re mine.”
“Best friends are still best friends even though one decides to abandon all reason and date a gangbanger. Right?”
“I hope so.”
“Brit, don’t lie to me ever again.”
“I won’t. And you can share the info with Doug as long as he promises to keep it to himself.”
“Thanks for trusting me, Brit. You may not think it means a lot, but it does.”
After I finish the entire story and I hang up with Sierra feeling really good that things are back to normal with her, my phone rings. It’s Isabel.
“I have to talk to you,” Isabel says when I answer.
“What is it?”
“Did you see Paco today?”
Umm . . . so much for secrets. “Yeah.”
“Did you mention me?”
“No. Why? Did you want me to?”
“No. Yes. Oh, I don’t know. I’m so confused.”
“Isabel, just tell him how you feel. It worked for me with Alex.”
“Yeah, but you’re Brittany Ellis.”
“You want to know what it’s like being Brittany Ellis? I’ll tell you. I’m insecure, just like anyone else. And have more pressure on me to put on an act, so people’s image of me isn’t shattered and they don’t see that I’m really just like anyone else. And that makes me more vulnerable, and more scrutinized, and more susceptible to gossip.”
“So I guess you probably won’t be happy about the rumors spreading about you and Alex within my group of friends. Do you want to know what they are?”
“No.”
“You sure?”
“Yeah. If you consider yourself my friend, don’t tell me.”
Because if I know the rumors, I’ll feel like I have to confront them. And right this second I want to live in ignorant bliss.
