Elena didn’t ask if Allison wanted to go home with her, and Allison didn’t ask if she could. It was apparently a silent yet mutual understanding that neither wanted the date to be over, so instead of driving toward campus, Elena headed home, bringing Allison along.
Lucas hadn’t stirred once, not even when Elena lifted him out of the stroller and settled him into the car seat. That didn’t change when they finally made it back to Elena’s house. He curled around his mother like a koala bear as she hoisted him out of the car seat again and carried him into the house, Allison following closely behind.
After following Elena down the hallway, Allison watched her settle the boy into his bed, having to unclench his fingers from around the hair at the base of her head. She pulled his shoes and socks from his feet, popped off his hat, and then stripped him down to his pull-ups. The kid only mumbled a few times throughout the whole process but then settled right back into his sheets and drifted off again.
Allison stepped in and handed Elena the green stuffed monkey. “Here,” she whispered. “He can sleep with it.”
“Are you sure you wouldn’t rather save it so that you can sleep with it?” Elena tucked the toy in beside Lucas. “You were rather adamant about getting a stuffed animal after all.”
“I don’t need to sleep with monkeys if I’ve got you.”
When Elena pulled the door shut behind them, the two women stood staring at one another. That painfully familiar electricity sparked between them again, and Elena cleared her throat, letting her gaze fall away from Allison’s. “Would you like something to drink?” she asked, moving past Allison and heading back down the hallway toward the kitchen. Allison shrugged and followed, laughing internally at herself because it seemed like every time she was in this big, beautiful house, she followed Elena around like a puppy. In fact, she realized she had been doing it since her very first visit. It seemed the draw between them had always been there despite the fact that, foolishly, neither had noticed it.
“Uh, like alcohol?” Allison asked. “Because I’m not big on wine. I’ll take some tea or something if you’ve got it.”
“Juice?”
“Yeah, thanks.”
Elena went about readying a couple of glasses, filling half of one with wine and the other to the brim with apple juice. She turned to see Allison leaning up against the kitchen counter and watching her. They looked at one another, and both women sighed, completely affected by only a glance. Elena handed the juice to Allison, their fingers brushing in the exchange and causing a delightful shiver to ripple down Allison’s spine. Retreating until her back nudged the counter on the opposite side of the kitchen, Elena stared at the woman across from her as both took long sips from their glasses.
“So,” Allison said, setting her glass on the countertop. Her entire body felt like a coiled snake, tense and practically vibrating with energy as she watched Elena’s tongue slip across her bottom lip to capture a bit of escaped moisture.
Elena mimicked Allison’s action, placing her own glass down behind her. “So,” she repeated, the word barely a whisper. The pull between them was magnetic, and neither said another word. Both women shot off of their respective sides of the counter and collided in the middle.
Hands landed anywhere they could, everywhere they could. Elena’s fingernails dug into Allison’s scalp as Allison’s gripped tightly around Elena’s hips. The kiss was hot and rough, desperate and hungry, tongues slipping together, tasting, exploring. Their teeth knocked together with the frantic motion, but neither paid any mind to the messy state of the kiss. They only wanted more.
Elena pushed her body into Allison’s, backing her up until they slammed into the counter again, the cabinets shaking and the glass of juice nearly falling from the edge.
“God, you’re hot,” Allison whispered as she ran her hands around from Elena’s hips and cupped them over jean-clad cheeks. Allison moaned into Elena’s mouth, echoing a similar sound that bubbled up from Elena’s throat. “Your ass.”
Elena smiled into the kiss as she slid her tongue along Allison’s bottom lip. “Mm. Your mouth.”
Her hands slinked down from Allison’s hair, down the column of her slender neck, down over collarbones, down until they were cupped around—
“Momma?”
Allison and Elena sprang apart fast, bodies whipping in the direction of the sleep-laden voice.
“L-Lucas.” Elena’s hand shot up to wipe at the corner of her mouth where her lipstick had smudged. She righted her shirt, which was only slightly askew. “What are you doing up, darling?”
Naked but for his pull-ups, Lucas rocked on his heels a few feet from them. His messy hair stuck up on one side and his eyes drooped. He held his green monkey in one arm, tucked atop his round belly, and he used his other hand to rub at his eyes. “Hot,” he mumbled, too tired to even attempt a full sentence.
Allison tapped her fingers atop the counter nervously as she stood a bit away from Elena, putting some distance between them. It was the only way to keep her hands to herself. She could feel the heat in her cheeks, entirely mortified at having been caught macking on Elena by none other than Elena’s son.
Awkward and uncomfortable.
Lucas didn’t seem to mind, though. In fact, he didn’t even seem fully awake—just a partially naked zombie baby, too tired to function.
“Oh,” Elena sighed, the blush on her own cheeks prominent, even as she tried to pretend like they hadn’t just been doing what they had totally just been doing. She crossed over to her sleepy child and hoisted him up into her arms. “Let’s go get your fan, okay? Then you can nap some more.”
He laid his head on her shoulder and nodded into her neck. Elena glanced back at Allison and offered an apologetic smile before carrying Lucas back to his room.
Allison scrubbed a hand down her face and let out a heavy breath that quickly evolved into quiet laughter. What a day.
* * *
When Elena returned to the kitchen, she found Allison leaning against the counter and sipping her apple juice. They smiled at one another before Elena said, “He apparently required a story.”
“Ah. I wondered what was taking so long. I was starting to think that maybe you had crawled into bed with the kid and had fallen asleep in there, too.”
“No, of course not.” Elena chuckled.
“Wouldn’t blame you. The kid is pretty snuggly.”
“True.” Elena cleared her throat, her cheeks flushing a soft pink as she added, “However, I highly doubt I would be able to nap after…”
“Yeah,” Allison breathed. Her body still buzzed from the impromptu kitchen make-out, and she couldn’t help but grin like an idiot at Elena, basically confirming that she felt the same way.
They shared a small, almost shy laugh, both blushing. Their gazes flicked between eyes and lips, hearts pounding in unison. When Allison pushed off the counter and took a step forward, though, Elena took a step back and put up a hand. “Allison, I think we should talk.”
Allison’s heart sank into her stomach. Every single time she had ever heard those words, disappointment or heartbreak followed—news that she was being shuffled off to another home, that she wasn’t what the family wanted, that she simply wasn’t enough. Every single cell in Allison’s body rioted against those words, because, if they meant what she expected them to mean, that Elena was about to tell her that all of this had been a terrible, impulsive mistake, then Allison didn’t think she could handle that.
This thing with Elena, whatever this was, had been such a reprieve from the loneliness Allison often felt. It had been a patch for the dark, gaping hole inside, the part of her that still felt so unlovable. It had been exciting, refreshing, and riddled with hope. To lose it before it even truly began made Allison feel like she couldn’t breathe. Her whole body was a pin cushion, pricked over and over by the possibilities ripping through her mind, and, within seconds, she talked herself into believing that whatever it was Elena wanted to talk about would result in nothing but utter disaster, and that made Allison sick to her stomach.
She wanted to run. She wanted to get as far away from that house as possible, wanted to pretend like those words had never come out of Elena’s mouth at all. Maybe she could go home and sleep and wake up to realize that it was all a dream and it was still the day before their date. Allison didn’t care, as long as she didn’t have to live in this one moment, this one moment that would undoubtedly prove to be yet another disappointment in a long list of disappointments that colored her life.
“That came out wro—” Elena tried, but Allison shook her head and took another step back.
“It’s, uh,” Allison said, her voice strained as if her throat had collapsed, “it’s okay. I get it. You don’t have to say anything, Elena. I’m actually pretty used to this.”
“Allison, no.” Elena tried again, but Allison was already moving around her and toward the foyer, desperate to escape.
“Don’t,” Allison said through gritted teeth. Tears built up in her voice. “You don’t have to explain or whatever. You think we made a mistake, and that’s, uh, that’s okay. I’m just going to go. I should go.”
She raced to the door, Elena hot on her heels, and then whirled around at the last second. “Can I at least still see Lucas sometimes, though? Because I care about him, and I—”
Elena launched herself into Allison’s personal space, hands shooting up and cupping around her cheeks to silence her. She looked directly into her eyes. “Allison! Stop.”
The words died in Allison’s throat, her gaze captured by Elena’s. The woman looked at her so lovingly, so intensely that it threw Allison’s balance. Was she or was she not being rejected?
“I don’t think this is a mistake.” Elena stroked her thumbs over Allison’s cheeks.
Allison’s mouth went dry. Her heart clenched in her chest. Her flesh tingled beneath Elena’s fingertips. “You don’t?”
“Of course not,” Elena whispered. She lowered a hand and poked at Allison’s side. “Are my kisses that unconvincing?”
Allison let out a sigh and muttered, “No.”
“Good,” Elena told her, smiling. “I would hate to think my kissing was inadequate.”
Allison snorted, shaking her head and taking a deep breath. “Your kisses are the best I’ve ever had.”
“I’m sorry for my wording, Allison,” Elena said. “I realize now how ominous that sounded, but I assure you it’s nothing worth running from.” Her brows furrowed. “At least, I hope it isn’t.”
“I’m sorry. I freaked out. I should’ve let you finish, but I’ve just heard that a lot in my life, and it’s never been followed by anything positive, you know?”
She nodded. “I am not turning you away, Allison. I simply thought it best that we discuss a few things. Will you stay, please?”
Latching onto Elena’s hand, Allison let her lead them back through the house and into the living room. They settled on the couch, a fair distance from one another, and an awkward silence developed between them—one woman unsure of how to begin and the other still completely wary of whatever was coming. “So,” Allison croaked, unable to take the silence any longer, “what was it that you wanted to talk about?”
A soft sigh slithered across Elena’s lips. She sat across from Allison, her hands clasped atop her knees and her legs crossed elegantly at the ankles. “I think it’s obvious that you and I are quite attracted to one another,” she said, “considering the fact that we seem to be unable to keep our hands to ourselves.”
“We seem to be doing a pretty good job of keeping our hands to ourselves right now.”
Elena’s deadpan stare made them both laugh. “Thank you for that keen observation, dear.
“Sorry,” Allison said. “Go ahead.”
“As I was saying, the attraction between us is obviously intense, and I hate to be presumptuous, but I believe it is apparent where things are headed.”
Allison bit her lip and cleared her throat. “Sex, right?” she asked. “I mean, just clarifying that we’re talking about sex here, yeah?”
Elena smiled, shaking her head. “Yes, dear,” she replied with a throaty laugh. “We are talking about sex.”
“Yeah, okay. Thought so.” Allison waggled her eyebrows and slipped her foot across the floor to bump Elena’s crossed ankles. “So, you wanna have sex with me, huh?”
She liked the way she could make Elena squirm sometimes by just being forward, but when Elena nodded firmly and said, “I do, yes,” Allison nearly fell off the couch.
“Uh, um, well.” She tried to orient herself, and Elena burst into a teasing smile.
“Oh see, you can dish it out, but you can’t receive.” She bumped Allison back with the toe of one high-heeled shoe.
“Good God, woman! Are you trying to kill me?” Allison wheezed. They laughed together and shifted closer to one another on the couch. Allison relaxed back into the cushion, and Elena leaned on the couch arm. “Seriously, though. Were you being serious?”
“Yes.”
Allison felt like a teenager again, like she was crushing so hard on Elena in that moment that she was surprised the woman wasn’t flat as a pancake. “Um, well, that’s good.” Her cheeks flushed and she wiped her sweaty palms on her jeans, hoping Elena wouldn’t notice. “That’s really good.”
“Yes,” Elena whispered again, moving closer to Allison. “Only, like I said, Allison, I think it’s best if we discuss a few things first.”
“Okay,” Allison agreed. “I don’t have any STDs or anything like that if you’re worried. It’s been a while since I’ve been with anyone, and I’ve had my yearly exam since then, but, I mean, I can go get tested again if you want, like, proof or something.”
Elena shook her head and smiled. “Thank you, but I trust you. However, I’m glad you mentioned that it has been some time since you have been with someone; because that is one of the things I wished to speak with you about. It has been a very long time since I have been with anyone, sexually or otherwise.”
“Is it okay if I ask how long?” Allison whispered.
Elena nodded, head ducked. “Over four years.”
“Wow.” Allison breathed. “That is longer than I expec—Oh.”
Suddenly, it clicked in her mind. Lucas was three, and likely nearing four, but the timing was clear enough.
“Lucas?” Allison asked quietly.
“Yes,” Elena sighed. “His conception, actually.”
Allison tapped her fingers together. She felt incredibly awkward, and not because Elena was sharing with her but because she had so many questions; but she really didn’t want to cross a line.
“Um, was it an accident? The pregnancy, I mean?”
Elena nodded again. “Yes, it was rather jarring to discover. I had never planned on being pregnant at twenty-three, barely out of college. It terrified me. Such an experience in itself can make one wary of sex, especially someone like me. I like things calculated. I like plans. I like structure. I don’t typically care for surprises, and Lucas was certainly a surprise, but…”
“But, it was more than that? More than the pregnancy that scared you off sex?”
Brown eyes grew distant, colored darker by some painful memory dancing through Elena’s mind. “Yes,” she whispered, and Allison’s stomach lurched.
Allison gripped her knees, nails digging into her jeans. “He didn’t, Lucas’s dad…” The mere thought made it difficult for her to breathe. “Was it not consensual?”
“Oh no, Allison.” Elena reached over to latch onto Allison’s arm. “It was nothing like that, dear. It was consensual, yes—foolish, but consensual.”
The tension in Allison’s body faded as she turned more fully toward Elena and took her hands. She stroked Elena’s knuckles with her thumbs. “Okay.”
They were silent for a long moment, both just staring at their laced fingers, before Elena whispered, “I met him at Harvard.”
Elena’s eyes focused on her, sad and soulful. “His name was Jonathan.” Allison didn’t miss the past-tense verb. “He was a year ahead of me, but we had two classes together. He pursued me relentlessly, always complimenting me and asking me to lunch or dinner or breakfast even. I turned him down many times, because I didn’t want any distractions from my studies. In fact, I turned him down the entirety of the time we were in school together, though we did develop a rather fulfilling friendship, frequently studying together and occasionally meeting for coffee. It remained that way for over a year.”
Allison squeezed her hand and Elena took a deep breath.
“He was kind and incredibly intelligent,” she continued. “We began dating after I left Harvard. Sex wasn’t something that was ever a prominent part of my life, nor was it a prominent part of my relationship with Jonathan for a while; not that I never had sex, because I did; it just wasn’t often. I had always been cautious about activities in which the risk factor was relatively high. Honestly, you should have seen my reaction to losing my virginity. I was a mess until my period came.”
Allison chuckled and squeezed Elena’s hand again.“I’ve always assessed risks and determined whether the activity was worth the possible consequences,” Elena said. “As such, I’ve rarely ‘let loose’ as Vivian puts it, especially where sex and relationships are concerned. It’s not that I think sex can’t be wonderful. I know it can be, in more ways than one, but as I said—risks. I hardly felt that a ten-second orgasm was worth a lifetime commitment to an unplanned child, or worth a lifetime struggle with an incurable disease. You see what I mean?”
“Totally. I can get that you would be cautious about it, especially since you already had specific plans for your life and everything. And don’t take this the wrong way, because, obviously, Lucas is the best thing ever, but I guess you were totally right to be wary. I mean, you did end up pregnant.”
“Exactly.” Elena sighed. “It’s amazing how so many people can have unprotected sex countless times and never have it result in a pregnancy, and then others only once, and surprise—a baby.”
Allison squeezed her hand again. “So, is that how it happened? One time, and then say hello to Lucas?”
Elena laughed wetly, her voice strained. “Mm.” She hummed, nodding. “Only once with Jonathan, and I ended up pregnant. Of course, I absolutely have no regrets about it now, because Lucas is the light of my life. He is everything. But when I found out, I was devastated. It felt like my life had ended before it even began.”
“And Jonathan?” Allison asked. She hesitated, scratching at the back of her neck and averting her gaze. “I mean, did he like leave you or something?”
“He never knew.”
“You didn’t tell him?”
“I never got the chance.” A lone tear slid down the smooth expanse of her cheek. “He was in a car accident three days after that night. They said it was instant, that he died on impact and didn’t feel any pain. It was weeks before I even discovered I was pregnant.”
Allison’s chest felt uncomfortably tight, and she squeezed Elena’s hands until both their knuckles turned white. “I’m sorry, Elena” she whispered.
“I never talk about it. My parents and Vivian avoid the topic like the plague because they know how painful an experience it was for me. The pain lessened with time, but it never fully faded. It is just difficult to discuss.”
“Yeah,” Allison muttered. “I don’t talk about a lot of the hard shit either. Sometimes, just saying it out loud is too much, like it somehow makes it feel too real again, too close.”
Elena looked up at her, eyes wide and deep. “Yes,” she gasped. “That’s exactly it.”
Allison offered her a sad smile. They stared at one another, holding hands and nodding in the weighted silence. It seemed like hours passed before either spoke again. “Did you love him?”
“Who’s to say? I’m not sure I even knew what romantic love was at the time. My entire life had been about growth, ambition, achievement, success. Of course, I know what love is. I’ve lived a happy life, filled with love, but romantic love? That’s different, isn’t it?”
Allison smiled tenderly at the way she walked circles around her question. She did this often herself, so that the weight of certain truths never settled fully upon her. She squeezed Elena’s hand again. “Elena,” she said, ducking to capture her gaze, “did you love him?”
Fresh tears escaped down Elena’s cheeks as she finally nodded and whispered, “I certainly thought I did.”
Pale fingers moved over damp cheeks as Allison wiped away Elena’s tears. “I’m sorry,” she breathed, and Elena leaned into her touch. It made Allison ache in a thousand different ways.
“I get it. At least, I think I know what you’re trying to say. You haven’t let anyone in in a long time, and maybe you’re a little nervous about it, yeah?”
Elena straightened, her body tightening, and exhaled deeply. She cleared her throat and nodded firmly as she coiled her posture back into her typically composed self.
Respecting Elena’s space, Allison pulled back a bit. “I am too,” she said. “Nervous, I mean. It’s been a while for me too, and I don’t let people in easily, you know? I mean, I don’t really get close to people. I don’t usually do emotions, relationships. I just don’t trust people not to, you know, hurt me or whatever.”
“Do you trust me not to hurt you?”
Allison swallowed. “I think so. I want to. It’s hard for me.”
A firm nod was all she received as Elena simply accepted her answer, respected it. Allison saw no disappointment in the woman’s eyes, only understanding. She closed the distance between them and pressed her lips to Elena’s.
The kiss was soft, tender, and almost hesitant at first, but then grew and deepened. It was everything Allison had always thought a kiss should be—powerful yet gentle, deep yet light, emotional, and communicative.
Fingers wove gently into tangling hair, brushed over cheeks and necks, behind ears, and down backs. Chests pressed together, hearts thumping rhythmically beneath. Breath quickened. Heat spread.
Allison pulled back, breath rapid on her tongue, and smiled. Elena returned the smile, her supple lips kiss-swollen and wet.
“So, maybe we don’t try to rush anything,” Allison said. “Maybe we just do whatever feels right and try not to overthink anything.”
Elena cupped Allison’s cheek and leaned forward to kiss the corner of her mouth. “Okay,” she whispered against flesh.
“Good. So, if we have sex, we have sex. If it’s a while before we do, then it’s a while before we do. Hell, if we don’t, then we don’t. Whatever feels comfortable and right.”
“Would this be a proper time to mention that I have never actually been with a woman?” Elena blushed.
Allison’s lips parted as if surprised, but then she merely shook her head and laughed.
Elena scoffed and smacked her arm. “Don’t make fun,” she snapped, and Allison reached for her.
“I’m not making fun.” She slipped her arms around Elena. “I’m just…you’re full of surprises, Elena, you know that?”
Elena narrowed her eyes. “Is that a bad thing?”
“No. I love it.”
“Well then, excellent,” Elena said. “I’m quite the overachiever, though, you know. I’m sure I’ll learn quickly.”
A ripple of heat rolled through Allison’s lower abdomen and burned between her legs, so that she had to close her eyes and bite her tongue to keep from moaning. The mere thought of Elena being an “overachiever” in the bedroom was riveting.
“I’m sure you will.” Allison focused her gaze again on Elena. “But for now, let’s start with something simple just to take the pressure off. What do you think?”
“What did you have in mind?” Elena’s fingers twitched over the tight denim material encasing Allison’s thighs.
Allison grinned like a fool as she threw her arms out wide. “Hug?”
Elena laughed and sank into Allison’s embrace.
