Charlotte
“Maybe instead of going out, we can order in and go hang out at your place,” Beau says, as he puts his hand on my thigh while I drive. He had a friend drop him off at his dad’s, which makes me wonder if this was his plan all along. My skin is prickling just from his touch.
I can’t tell if Beau’s changed, I’ve changed, or the entire dynamic between us has. But there is no chemistry, no sparks or any kindling of what we had before. This guy I used to be so smitten over, who I let bring me down so low…can’t hurt me anymore.
I don’t feel like the same girl he broke up with, and maybe I’m not. I like this new version of me, the one Emerson helped build back up.
God, even the thought of his name makes me feel queasy. We had a moment, and I’m pretty sure we were about to have an even bigger moment, but then Beau showed up and Emerson couldn’t pawn me off fast enough. It hurt, especially after that whole ‘you have no idea what I want to do to you’ speech. The second his son walked through that door, my hope shattered.
“Umm…that sounds good. Pizza?”
“Sure. We can just order it from your place.”
“Okay,” I reply with a forced smile.
“So, you really like working for my dad?” he asks.
“Yeah. I do. And he says I could easily work my way up into business management.”
Beau scoffs. “Not with that business, I hope.”
My hand grips the steering wheel as I pull into the driveway. I don’t know how much Emerson makes public about the club, or if he still uses the dating service as a front, so I decide to keep it discreet. “What’s wrong with the company?”
“You know what they do there, Charlie. Come on. Don’t act stupid.”
“I’m not acting stupid,” I bite back. Just then, I spot my little sister across the yard, and my heart sinks. She’s sitting out front with one of her friends, both of them on their phones as she looks up and spots Beau getting out of my car.
Fuck.
“Hey, Smurf. You want some pizza?” I call.
Her eyes track back and forth between Beau and me before she shakes her head. “No thanks.”
Regret hits me hard. Sophie is disappointed in me, and I hate it. She never liked Beau, so she’s certainly not going to be joining us for pizza.
“Come on, babe,” Beau says, draping an arm over my shoulder, and I can feel Sophie watching us as we disappear into the backyard, heading straight for the pool house. Everything in me is telling me to call this off, drive him home, and forget this ever happened. Beau clearly has expectations about tonight and I really don’t want to have to let him down. Because that is not happening.
Two hours ago, I thought it was Emerson I’d be cozying up to.
When we get inside my small studio, I check my phone, looking for anything from Emerson, but there’s only silence. Beau drops onto my bed, and he seems in such a better mood than before that I almost feel bad that I have to break it to him that tonight is not going to end the way he wants.
“I’m going to change out of these clothes,” I tell him, walking toward the bathroom, but he snatches me by the hand before I can make it there.
“Charlie, wait.”
Suddenly, I’m on his lap. And I don’t say anything. Why don’t I say anything?
“I didn’t want to be alone with you just for sex,” he says, and my eyes widen.
“Beau, we’re not—’
“I really do want another chance. I know I was a shitty boyfriend. I was just going through stuff with my dad.”
My shoulders soften, and sympathy floods my system.
“Why didn’t you ever confide in me?” I don’t bring up the cheating part because that’s where things get heated and it becomes impossible to get him to talk or open up about anything.
“I was embarrassed,” he replies gently. “I didn’t want you knowing my dad was a…freak.”
“He’s not a freak,” I bite back.
“He might as well be a porn star or a pimp, Charlie. His whole job revolves around sex and some really kinky shit. It’s not normal—’
“It is normal, though,” I argue, trying to get out of his arms, but he holds me tight. I hate that I’m not fighting harder. And it’s like he doesn’t even hear me, as he goes on and on about how terrible his dad is. Bile rises up my throat.
“And I thought that if he was some sex freak…maybe I was too. That’s why I…did what I did.”
My spine stiffens. “Are you serious right now?” I snap. “You’re going to blame your dad for you cheating on me? You letting some new girl at work give you a blow job in the break room was because your dad owns a sex club?”
I see the argument building in him, but I feel so hot and angry right now, I could scream.
“I told you that was the biggest mistake of my life. I told you I was going through a lot, and—’
“Beau, we broke up for a reason. We weren’t right together…”
“Baby, I need you.” He squeezes me closer, nuzzling his face in my neck, and everything feels so wrong. Baby, I need you? Since when did he ever call me baby? And he certainly never needed me.
This stops now. I finally push myself away from him to stand. He looks disappointed, furrowing his brow and pressing his lips into a tight line.
“You don’t need me, Beau. You need to grow up,” I argue. “Or maybe you just need someone to finally put you in your place because I’m not going back to the way things were.”
“What the hell are you talking about?”
“I’m talking about how you never once made me feel good about myself while we were together. You talk about how hard your life was…well, have you noticed mine?” I ask, waving my arms around.
“You’ve changed,” he says with a grimace, and I laugh.
“Yeah, I guess I did. Because if you think your dad is such a freak, then I am too.”
He stands in a rush with his eyes wide. “Charlie…” There’s a tone of warning in his voice. “Have you been to that club?”
“Yeah…I have, and I’m not ashamed.” It takes everything in me to hold my shoulders back and look up into Beau’s eyes proudly as I say it. He’s scrutinizing me, letting this new information sink in, like he’s literally imagining me doing whatever freaky shit he thinks happens at that club.
I wish I could tell him more, but I realize that it doesn’t matter what Beau thinks, not anymore. The Charlie four months ago would have never admitted to this, and maybe if Beau had told me about his dad while we were dating, I would have thought the same thing he does. But that was before Emerson opened my eyes. Not to the club—but to myself.
I have someone who really treasures me now, who sees something in me when he looks at me that I never saw in myself. Who makes me feel smart and sexy and perfect.
And at the end of the day, I’d rather be Emerson’s pet than Beau’s girlfriend.
“Tell me the truth right now,” he demands. “Are you sleeping with my dad?”
I scoff, shaking my head. “No,” I reply with conviction, because I’m not. But I really fucking wish I were. “Beau…” I take a deep breath, before continuing, “I love you. I’ll probably always love you because I know there’s good in there, but you and I are never going to work. I’m sorry.”
I expect him to lash out, but he doesn’t. I think he’s still reeling from the Charlie goes to a sex club information. Instead, he looks defeated. “There’s someone else, isn’t there?”
For a moment, I’m taken aback. That’s what he got from this conversation? I don’t answer, and it’s enough to confirm his suspicions. There’s sort of someone else. And it may not be a relationship—hell, it may never be a relationship—but it works for me. I watch his expression for a moment to make sure he doesn’t suspect that that someone else is his dad, but he doesn’t really say anything else. He just looks…sad.
After I broke up with Beau, I was finally alone with myself, and I realized how much I missed…me. Because I didn’t exist around him. He existed as the center of my universe, and I was his shadow.
“Let me take you home,” I say, touching his arm.
He nods solemnly.
Sophie isn’t outside when we leave, but I wish she was. I want her to see him leaving, so she knows this really isn’t what it looks like.
In the car, Beau is quiet. His mom’s house is on the opposite side of town. She lives in a quaint bungalow. I never met either of his parents before we broke up, but just the idea of meeting her, this woman who was once married to Emerson, makes my skin crawl. As we pull up to her house, he freezes in his seat.
“I think my dad will be disappointed,” he says, and I start to panic.
“Why?”
With a snicker, he adds, “He was clearly trying to get us back together, Charlotte.” He says my name like Emerson does, impersonating his father. And I’m not quite sure how that makes me feel.
Strange. It makes me feel very strange.
“Oh yeah. I got that feeling too.” A fact I’m purposefully ignoring for the time being, because it makes me too angry to think about.
“Maybe someday I’ll get my shit together enough to deserve you,” he says with his eyes on the dash, and it shatters my heart to hear him say that. All this time, I thought I wasn’t good enough for Beau, and now…everything’s changed.
Reaching across the seat, I pull him into a hug. “I’m here for you, always.”
He squeezes me back, before opening the door and walking up to the front of the house. Watching him leave has me feeling so many things for this family. They are so broken, both Emerson and Beau at war with themselves and each other. And considering the shitshow that is my family, this says a lot coming from me.
And as I pull away from the curb, I think about what he said, about Emerson clearly trying to get us back together. The more the thought cycles through my mind, the angrier I get.
He thinks he’s the only one making a sacrifice here. He acts like denying this attraction is only costing him, but what about me? He thinks he can just push me off on his son, like it’s just that easy.
Doesn’t what I want count? Isn’t he the one who taught me to go after what I want?
The more I think about it, the more I fume. Heading onto the freeway, I find myself skipping the exit to my house and taking the one after it. I might be crazy, but there’s no way I’m going home when I have so much on my mind that I’m dying to tell him.
