Dane
“I’ll call you back in a few. Dane’s home,” Joss says in a rush just as I hear movement coming from her room.
“Can’t you two talk when we’re done?” a guy asks through her speakerphone. I can only assume it’s Carlos.
“He’s coming back from a… work thing, so I need to check in and see how it went,” Joss reasons, which is I guess how she sums up me being out with Shawna.
I slide off my sneakers and walk away, but then double back to put them on the rack when her request that I don’t leave them in the doorway rings in my ears. By the time I make it to the hall, she’s ended her call and the door to her bedroom flies open.
She’s smiling, but I know her. It’s not a real smile. It’s the kind she puts on to save face.
Something’s up.
“So, how was it?”
I pause, trying to find the right words. “It was… nice. Definitely went better than expected.”
A long, awkward silence fills the space between us, and Joss slips her hands into the pockets of her shorts.
“Oh, cool. I hoped you’d have fun.”
Real fucking nice. What I want is you, and what you want is for me to have fun with another girl.
Just what I wanted to hear.
“Well, I should turn in. I have a photoshoot tomorrow afternoon and I need to hit the gym before that, so…”
“Oh, right.” She laughs and I don’t miss that it’s almost as forced as that smile from a moment ago.
I take three steps before a breathy, “Wait,” makes me pause, then I glance over my shoulder. “Can’t you hang out for a few?” she asks. “I’d like to hear more about your night.”
I let that sink in, her wanting more details about the date. If the shoe were on the other foot, the last damn thing I’d want is to hear about her and some other guy. That’s where we’re different, though. I know she feels something, but she’s determined to suffocate the hell out of it until it dies. My guess? Convincing herself that I’m even half as interested in Shawna as I am in her will only help her believe that lie.
So, no fucking way. I won’t indulge her just to ease her damn conscience.
“I’m beat. Maybe tomorrow.”
I turn my back to her like before, after seeing proof that she’s visibly disappointed from having been shot down. Still, no one’s more disappointed than I am.
“I’m sorry.”
Those words hit me and despite myself, I stop again. And this time, I hear her take steps toward me.
“I know I fucked up,” she admits. “I should’ve… I should’ve asked if you were okay with this, going out with her.”
“It’s not all on you. You told me you were sending the message and I didn’t stop you,” I say back, thinking to myself that one reason I hadn’t protested was because I didn’t actually think she’d go through with it.
“I know, I just… haven’t felt right about it since,” she admits. “We’re friends, but damn it, Dane.”
There’s a long pause that follows. One that has me tempted to face her, but I’m certain she’d lose her nerve to continue the second we make eye contact.
“We’ve entered some kind of weird, gray area that has my head all fucked up, and my nerves are shot to hell.” She’s breathless now and I don’t miss how her voice quivers with each syllable.
My heart races and I’m shocked she’s said so much. No, it’s not an admission of love or anything like that, but it’s more than what I’ve been given in the past. More than being made to feel like I’m losing my mind thinking there’s more to us than friendship.
I let out a breath and finally face her, feeling the tug in my chest when I meet her dark eyes. With so much emotion swimming in them, it guts me knowing she might always keep me at arm’s length. The thought of never having her like I want her feels like hell on Earth.
She lifts her hands, fidgeting with her nails, but doesn’t look away.
“Dane, both our lives are all over the place right now, so I know I don’t need to explain what that feels like, but I don’t have family a few miles away. So, for me, you’re the only stable thing I’ve got, which means I can’t afford to mess this up.”
Without saying much, she’s said it all—admitted that I’m not the only one who has a hard time keeping my distance. It hits me that I’ve only been looking at this from one angle, and none of them were her angle. Aside from having me—or people connected to me—she’s alone in this city.
Another breath rushes from my lungs, and guilt sets in for only seeing what I wanted to see.
“Let me change, then I’ll come to your room.”
She smiles a little, then nods. “Okay.”
We part ways and I do exactly what I said I would, swapping out ripped jeans and a tee-shirt for a pair of dark basketball shorts and a white tank. When I pop into Joss’s room, she peers up through thick, long lashes, sitting cross legged on her bed.
She’s got the face of an angel, and the body of a goddess. I take in how the tightness of her waist draws attention to the flare of her round hips. The shorts she wears are tiny and don’t hide much, sort of like the cut-off hoodie that stops right beneath her tits. When I drop down near the edge of her bed and rest my back against the post, I pretend not to notice any of that.
“So, tell me about Shawna,” she says, but there’s an air of sadness within the request that isn’t lost on me.
“She seems cool, I guess. It was nice talking to her about things no one else really understands where work is concerned, but other than that, it’s still kind of early to tell.”
Joss smiles and it’s more sincere this time. “Did you two make plans to meet up again?”
“Not yet. I might message her in a few days. Might not.”
She holds my gaze and neither of us blinks. “Well, it sounds like you two hit it off. Pandora seems to think so, at least.”
It’s not until she says this that I even realize something’s already been posted. I shouldn’t be surprised, though. Nothing’s a secret in this city. Guess Shawna’s figuring that out as we speak.
“What about you? Having a good night?” I ask, turning the spotlight off myself and onto her.
She sighs before answering. “Guess you could say that. I got some reading done.”
My eyes flicker to the book left open, face down on her comforter.
“And… you were talking to Carlos when I came in, right?” I try to say that as chill as possible, but it doesn’t matter. She knows I hate the guy by default. Simply because they have some sort of connection.
I leave out that I overheard his reaction when she blew him off so we could talk. Little does he know, I’m not a threat to whatever he’s trying to build with her.
Not that I don’t wish otherwise.
“He wants to come here.”
I shoot her a look. “To the city?”
She nods. “Yeah, despite me telling him not to.”
My gaze lowers to the floorboards and I don’t really know what to say to that.
“What’s that look mean?” She laughs a bit when asking.
I fix whatever facial expression just gave me away and meet her gaze. “It doesn’t mean anything. It’s just that, the other night, you seemed pretty certain there’s nothing between you and him. Guess I’m just wondering when that changed.”
Damn, dude. Wrangle it in a bit. You sound like some jealous, possessive asshole and she’ll hear it if you’re not careful. She wants to just be friends, so just be a friend.
“I am certain,” she sighs. “But he seems to think time apart has just dulled what sparked between us when we met in Cuba last summer. I, on the other hand, think that spark is dead in the water. I’m gonna keep working on him, trying to convince him not to waste his time or money.”
It’s hard not to relate to the guy, maybe even feel a little sorry for him. Joss is incredibly hard to pin down. I should know. I’ve been trying since we were twelve.
I’m still watching when her gaze drifts to the nightstand. Then, I’m confused when her eyes land on a sheet of paper there, and she snatches it up before I can read any of the words written out in bold, purple marker.
“What the hell is that?” I ask with a laugh.
Well, I’ll be damned. If how red she just turned is any indicator, whatever she’s hiding must be pretty fucking good.
“It’s not—”
“You’re about to lie to me and we’ve been friends way too long for that shit. Tell me what you’re hiding.”
She stares at my hand where it lingers in the air, then one of the hardest eye rolls I’ve ever seen is aimed right at me.
“Fine, but keep in mind that I was super bored tonight, and I might’ve gotten into whatever alcohol that is in that bottle you keep in the cabinet over the fridge. So, I can’t be held responsible for anything that paper says.”
She unfolds it a little but doesn’t hand it over. My confusion surrounding whatever this is I’m looking at must be evident, because the next second, she explains.
“Like I said, I had a little too much time on my hands tonight, so I may or may not have made a list of all the things I’ve never done. You know, because my dad would’ve freaked-the-fuck-out if I had,” she adds.
I keep scanning and an idea hits me.
“Well, shit! Let’s cross some of this stuff off,” I say with a grin. “Pick your top three and we’ll have them done before summer ends.”
She eyes me and I see her wavering.
“Where’s the marker?”
I don’t get an actual answer, just her digging in the drawer to hand it over. Then, she grabs her book and lays the sheet flat on top of it.
“Ok, so we’re circling ‘smoke weed’. You know I’m good for that one,” I say with a laugh.
“But you don’t smoke during football,” she speaks up, knowing I swear off anything I think might impair my game during the season, including weed.
“It’ll just be once. I’ll be fine,” I say distractedly, scanning for something else to circle. “How about this one—a tattoo. I’ll take you to the place my brothers and I go. They’ll hook you up.”
She’s watching as I move down the list, glancing up at her when I find the third thing. “You never mentioned wanting another piercing. Where?”
“My ear. The cartilage,” she clarifies. “My dad said it was tacky, so I just figured I’d live without it.”
Her eyes are on me when I mark that as the third and final thing on the list. “Well, get ready, because that shit’s happening.”
She laughs a little—a clear sign the mood has lightened since the tense moment in the hallway. But as I stare at the sheet, I notice more of the deep-purple ink bleeding through from the back.
“What are you doing? We already have three,” she speaks up when I snatch the sheet from her hand, realizing part of the list was hidden.
I don’t fully understand why she’s redder and suddenly leaping all over me, trying to snatch the paper away. That is, until I see what’s made number eleven on the list, apart from the original ten. There, printed on the back, is an addition I didn’t expect to see.
She wants to lose her virginity.
Burying her face, it looks like she’s holding her breath. “I only made the list to vent,” she rambles, speaking muffled words from behind her hands. “It wasn’t real, I was just getting my feelings down on paper, and—”
“Joss… you don’t have to explain,” I cut in, holding back a smile. If she saw it, she’d only feel more embarrassed.
“It didn’t mean anything,” she continues to say, probably wishing she could crawl underneath a rock.
My thoughts drift back to the day Sterling and I helped her move, back to the sex toy hidden in the black shoebox. It isn’t a surprise that she owns one, but between that discovery and now this, I’m pretty sure I’m reading the signs right.
She’s held out her whole life, been a good girl because she thought she had to be. But now, after years of waiting… she’s ready to fuck.
Something inside me awakens—the part of me that’s always been more protective of her than anyone else. All at the thought of the many ways this could go, now that I know she’s given this some thought. It wouldn’t take much for her to fall for someone this summer, then think that asshole’s worthy of staking his claim. I don’t say this out loud, but I’ll be damned if I’m not thinking it.
Something I really have no right to think.
That, if she’s going to trust anyone with her body, her heart… it should be me.
At the sound of the marker moving over the paper, Joss peeks through her fingers, seeing that I’ve just circled number eleven. There’s confusion in her eyes when she looks up again.
“It’s contingent,” I say, weighing my words. “If you don’t meet someone, or if you change your mind, we’ll still get your top three picks crossed off the list.”
I stay unnaturally still, hoping I made that part about her finding someone sound like a real option, something I’d actually allow.
After the shock of me being in on her secret starts wearing off, Joss and I lock eyes right before she nods, letting me know she’s in.
“…Okay,” she says with a deep sigh that turns into a smile.
I return the paper and she tucks it inside her drawer before meeting my gaze again. She doesn’t speak, but the air in the room is charged with sexual tension. I suppose we’ve said a lot tonight without actually saying it. So, the only thing left to do from here is to find out if she knows what I know.
That she is now, and was always meant to be, mine.
