Pretty Boy D: Chapter 24

Joss

“Thanks for coming.”

I trudge slowly down the steps of me and Dane’s building and Sterling hands me one of the two lidded coffees he holds.

“You kidding? Something had to be done. Your lame weekends are starting to make the crew look pathetic as a whole,” he teases.

Laughing, my steps sync with his and we move at a slow pace down the mostly deserted sidewalk. Seeing as how it’s already midnight, that makes sense.

Thinking of the time serves as a reminder that Dane hasn’t come home yet. I’m pathetic enough to admit that I checked the Arland-Danton event calendar. Tonight’s meet-up was scheduled to end at ten, so he’s just hanging out, I guess.

With Shawna.

Which is my own damn fault.

Which makes me hate myself a little.

Why can’t I just take a chance? Why can’t I separate my parents’ past from whatever future Dane and I could possibly have? It sounds so simple in thought, but as the one caught in the thick of it, there’s nothing easy about it.

And that fucking sucks.

Sterling’s random check-in call is how he found out I spent my evening working, instead of hanging out like most nineteen-year-olds do on Friday nights. But nope, not me. I was nerding out, working on Dane’s website until Sterling threatened bodily harm if I didn’t swear I’d meet him out here in fifteen minutes.

Clearly, he won the argument.

“So, this moping thing you’re doing, does it have anything to do with that pic Pandora posted?” he asks casually, sipping his coffee afterward.

I shrug and let out a sigh. “It does and it doesn’t. I was already kind of fucked up before I even saw it,” I admit.

Now that Sterling’s brought it up, the image is in my head again—the one of Dane looking so damn sexy in his suit, leaning on the balcony rail at the gallery with Shawna clinging to his arm.

“Talk to me. I’m great at solving other people’s problems. It’s my own shit I can’t seem to manage,” Sterling says with a laugh.

After excusing ourselves when cutting through a group of teens whose open-mouthed stares mean they definitely know who we are, I let out a breath. My hesitation doesn’t go over Sterling’s head.

“You two been fucking or something?” he asks with a smirk.

Caught off guard by his bluntness, I burst out laughing. “What? No!”

At first, I’m staring straight ahead, but then my eyes flicker to his. He’s got this smug grin on his face like he knows more about the situation than even I do.

“Why’d you assume that? Did he tell you something?”

Just to get under my skin, ensuring that I die of anticipation, Sterling still isn’t answering. All I’m getting is more of that wicked grin.

It’s so weird talking to him about this. Subtle physical differences aside, it’s like I’m speaking directly to Dane.

“Well, is there anything to tell?” he asks, prompting me to roll my eyes, unsure of why I even doubted that he knows. The Golden boys tell each other everything.

“Cut the shit, Sterling. He already told you about our arrangement, didn’t he?”

His grin turns into quiet laughter. “He did, and I’ll tell you like I told him. It was only a matter of time before you two went all the way. You can only dry-hump a guy for so long before he talks you into letting him fuck you for real.”

He’s laughing, but it literally feels like I’m talking to my brother about this. I don’t have one of those, but if I did, I’m positive I’d have this same, uncomfortable feeling in my gut.

“Now, let me guess what happened next,” he continues. “Sex complicated things and you’re pissed he’s got this work thing with that Shawna chick. Sound about right?”

I’m shaking my head before he even finishes, thinking he’s got me and Dane pegged.

“Actually, you’re mostly wrong. For starters, we haven’t had sex. Second, you know me, Sterling. I’m rational and I’ve never been much of a jealous person, but—”

“But all that shit went out the window when you started falling for him,” he cuts in, plucking words from my thoughts that I never would’ve said aloud.

Only, he’s gotten something else wrong. I fell for Dane years ago. These feelings are nothing new.

“I told him to go tonight,” I admit, lowering my gaze to the sidewalk. “He wanted to stay in and hang out together, but I turned him down. Because I’m a dumb-ass,” I add with a sigh.

When I finally meet Sterling’s gaze, his brow quirks. “And… that was easier than just telling him you’re into him?”

I see what he’s trying to do, hear it in his tone. “It’s not as simple as you’re making it out to be.”

He’s quiet for a moment, then drops his arm around my shoulders with a sigh. The feel of it is comforting, reminding me of the many times he and his brothers pulled me into their circle, making me feel like I was more than just a friend, but a part of their world.

“At the risk of Dane killing me later, I’ll let you in on a little secret. Whatever bad thing you see happening down the road if you open up to him, it ain’t happening,” he says with surety I wish I had.

“How can you know that?”

“Because you aren’t just some crush for him, Joss. You’re not some chick he’ll get tired of and toss aside a month later,” he says in that big brother tone he takes with me sometimes.

When I peer up, I know there’s more he wants to say, but he’s holding back.

“Shit, he really is gonna kill me,” he says mostly to himself. “Fuck it. He’s in love with you. Has been for a very, very long time. And if there’s one thing I’d bet my life on, it’s that he’d never fuck it up if you gave him a chance.”

My stomach feels all fluttery hearing him say these things. Yes, I know Dane’s feelings are strong like mine, but hearing it from Sterling makes it that much more real.

Breathing deeply, I share more than I planned to tonight. More than I was able to share with Dane when we talked about it.

“My parents were best friends once. Before eventually hooking up and trying to make a romantic relationship work.”

“You never mentioned that,” Sterling says gravely, maybe sensing that there’s a bleak story ahead when I nod.

“They were tight like me and Dane, but then it turned into more. They did the break-up and make up thing for a while before finally calling the relationship and friendship quits. Then, they ran into each other at a party,” I add with a sigh. “Both had a few drinks too many and she went home with him that night. Mom says they woke up in the morning regretting it, dressing in silence with plans to go their separate ways. Again.”

“Damn.”

I nod slowly, sharing Sterling’s sentiment.

“They’d already seen how toxic they were together, so they weren’t even considering trying to work things out this time. That is, until about a month later when Mom found out she was pregnant with me.”

Sterling’s gaze shifts and I feel his stare, but he doesn’t speak.

“She scheduled an abortion, even showed up at the clinic, but couldn’t go through with it. Eventually, she got up the nerve to tell my dad she was pregnant, and I guess they thought the right thing to do was to make it work. For my sake,” I add.

We’re both quiet and I feel sick to my stomach thinking about how they could easily be a cautionary tale for Dane and me.

“So, you were, like, a breath away from not existing. That’s kinda deep.”

“It’s one of the reasons it’s been relatively easy for me to stay a virgin,” I admit with a faint laugh. “Things happen, and if I were to ever face something like that, I don’t think I’d be able to choose differently than my mom did. It’s not a political or moral thing. It’s just that… it stays with me that her split-second choice is the only reason I’m here.”

“Damn,” Sterling says again, taking it all in.

“From there, shit went from one end of the spectrum to the other. They ended up at the altar,” I reveal. “Because of me. Not love, but out of obligation. Taking things too far in their friendship ruined them in more ways than one. It’s the reason my mom’s a shell of who she would’ve been without my father, and it’s the reason he’s bitter and unhappy. And it’s probably also the reason he’s a fucking cheater.”

I didn’t mean to let that last part slip, but it just sort of rolled off my tongue. Guess it’s out there now.

We continue to walk without saying a word, his arm still tight around me, holding me close. I don’t even know why I’ve said so much, but maybe I just need to be understood. Need someone to know I’m not keeping Dane at arm’s length to be a bitch. I do it because I refuse to lose him.

“I get it,” Sterling says solemnly, finally speaking. “You’ve got good reason for being afraid.”

The statement makes me feel like someone gets me, makes me feel seen. I’m not some frigid, cold-hearted monster who enjoys seeing the only guy I’ve ever loved suffer. I suffer, too.

“I’ve come to the conclusion that the only way to keep Dane close is to keep him at a distance,” I say, summing up the thoughts I had earlier during the car ride.

It’s the reason I set him free tonight. Because we both need to learn how to live with things being exactly the way they are, which probably also means our arrangement should end sooner rather than later.

Like, immediately.

The phone buzzes in my back pocket and my heart leaps a little. When I glance down, hoping it’s the one person I shouldn’t be hoping for, I’m admittedly disappointed to see Carlos’ name.

“One sec,” I say to Sterling with a sigh as his arm slips off my shoulder.

We step closer to the brick building we walked beside when I take the call.

“Hey, mind if I hit you back in the morning?” I answer.

“This won’t take long. Just check your messages. I sent you something.”

Trying not to roll my eyes, I pull the phone away from my ear and find his text. And… the image of a roundtrip plane ticket to the airport located on the outskirts of the city.

I feel the tension in my brow and I’m certain Sterling can see it when I bring the phone to my ear again.

“What is this?”

When Carlos sighs on the other end, I’m positive he hoped to draw a different reaction from me. But the only other reaction he might’ve gotten from me is ‘What the fuck?’

“I… thought you’d be excited,” he says, and it definitely sounds like I burst his bubble.

Letting my back fall against the brick, Sterling rests beside me, taking the empty coffee cup from my hand to toss it in the trash with his.

“Carlos, I think maybe we should’ve talked before you did this. I’m not sure if you coming here is really a good idea right now or… at all,” I add, drawing Sterling’s attention. “Things might be moving a bit fast.”

“An entire year is too fast for you?” he asks with a quiet laugh. “Listen, I know you’re skeptical about us, which is why this is only a friendly visit. You have my word.”

My head is spinning. I’ve already got so much going on, adding this makes me want to vomit. I feel terrible for what I’m about to say, but I cannot in good conscience let him travel all this way not knowing my position.

“I still stand by what I’ve said before—that I don’t see this heading in the direction you’re hoping. I just really, really don’t want you wasting time and money coming to see me, I—”

“Visiting you could never be a waste, Josslyn. As a friend or otherwise,” he interjects. “So, with all that out of the way, do you feel a bit more at ease? Besides, you’ll only have to put up with me for a couple nights.”

There’s amusement in his tone, not frustration or anger like I feared there might be.

Despite the shift in conversation toward lightheartedness, I still feel like I’ve been backed into a corner. Glancing toward Sterling, I no longer have his attention. It’s gone to the pair of girls in short skirts who just walked past.

After inspecting the ticket closer, I see that it’s for three weeks from today and non-refundable.

“Just as friends, right?”

He laughs again. “Yes, just as friends.”

I’ve been open and honest with him, so if he’s hellbent on coming, it seems I can’t stop him.

“Guess I’ll see you in a few weeks then,” I concede, trying to ignore how my stomach twists into a knot.

If I’m lucky, by some small miracle, this won’t end in disaster.