This was not good. In fact, this was precisely the opposite of what Jamie and Ellie had hoped would happen. On the other side of the door, Lottie was leaving a voicemail for her father, one that would make it clear she didn’t want anything to do with him any more, and it filled Jamie with so many conflicting emotions that he felt like a piece of blown glass about to shatter.
Deep under his skin he could feel two versions of himself clawing at each other. There was the Partizan: disappointed in this outcome, knowing that eventually Lottie would need to step down from her Portman role and return to a regular life so Ellie could make the transition to queen and let Lottie go. This was the version he was clinging to, not wanting to give the other a moment of consideration, because the other was selfish: a demonic, confused version of him that wanted to wrap his arms round Lottie and pull her in so close that the rest of the world couldn’t touch her. He wished that he could whisper against her cheek how proud he was of her for doing this, that she didn’t need anyone else because he would protect her forever.
Through the cast-iron keyhole in the old door, Jamie saw Lottie put the phone down, finally turning round, which revealed absolutely nothing. She smiled her sunshine smile as Jamie pulled the door open for her.
‘Is it done?’ he asked, watching her with the same hard focus he might use on someone he suspected was a threat, scanning for any tiny movement that would give an insight into what she was really thinking. ‘Did you speak to him?’
‘No, he didn’t pick up, so I left a message,’ she replied, setting off to the courtyard, a bounce in her step that spread to the ends of her golden hair.
Jamie felt his jaw twitch, unable to pick up so much as a wane in her smile. When did she get so good at hiding things from him?
‘And that’s it? You plan to never have anything to do with your family again?’
‘I’ve told you, and I’ve told Ellie – he’s not my family any more. There’s nothing complicated about it.’
‘If there’s nothing complicated about it, then why do you continue failing to make any semblance of a start on your PoP project? Seems like you don’t want to think about your family at all.’
There it was, blink and you’d miss it, but Jamie caught it like the sun in his eyes, the light vanishing from Lottie’s pupils for a panicked second, and it told him everything he needed to know.
‘Looks like you’re more confused than you’re letting on.’
‘I’m Ellie’s Portman,’ she said stubbornly, and as soon as the words left her mouth he felt his gaze land on the chain round her neck where the wolf’s head kept guard.
‘That’s not a family; that’s a job.’ He knew it was harsh, but it bubbled out of him nonetheless, a terrible poison he’d been harbouring since his pact with Ellie.
Lottie suddenly turned to him. ‘You’re going to be training with Haru for the next hour, right?’ And once again she did something he couldn’t read, recoiling after she spoke, like she was disappointed in herself.
‘Yes, and if I didn’t know any better I’d think you were trying to get rid of me.’
Lottie shrank under the accusation, round cheeks going pink in that oh-so familiar way. ‘No, I just need some privacy for a little while.’
They were at a stand-off, neither of them wanting to be the first to break away, but it was as plain as day that there was somewhere she needed to be. Seeming to realize he was on to her, Lottie was the first to cave, plastering on that fake smile he could always see through.
‘I’ll see you in an hour, OK?’ She began to skip off before Jamie could protest, calling behind her, ‘And I promise I’m fine so you can stop looking at me like that.’
Jamie froze like he’d been burned. He didn’t know if she’d picked the words intentionally, but they sent a surge of fire through his belly. They were a searing reminder that she’d noticed there was something different in the way he approached her, something he couldn’t control, ever since Tokyo, ever since she’d found him at his most vulnerable. Ever since he’d met the Goat Man.
Without a second thought, he marched to the Ivy dorm, knowing exactly what he was going to do, despite his misgivings.
As if he’d read his mind, Haru was there, drenched in the golden sun, waiting for him at the gate to Ivy Wood.
‘I was coming to find you,’ Jamie said stupidly, knowing full well they always met there. ‘I know we usually meet up today and …’ It wasn’t often that Jamie found himself unable to finish a sentence but Lottie’s words were still burning in his chest and he was at once overwhelmed by them.
‘What’s wrong?’ Haru tilted his head in curiosity, one lock of his curly hair spilling forward, like a tiny ram’s horn.
Jamie was unable to look at Haru directly, the light behind him was too strong and made him think of Lottie. ‘I’m not sure,’ he confessed, only realizing it was true after he’d said it out loud.
‘I don’t have any work I need help with today and I’m not in any mood for training,’ said Haru. Jamie’s shoulders sagged in disappointment, and Haru gave him a thoughtful look, likely taking note of his reaction. ‘Do you want to go for a walk instead?’
With Jamie’s mind in the state it was, he knew he shouldn’t put himself in a position where the older Partizan might have a chance to dissect him. Training or working was fine – they were too busy to talk – but this was different. He could sense an intimacy in the offer that made him squirm, and yet wasn’t this precisely what Percy had told him he needed to do, to talk to someone who might understand some of what he was experiencing? Wasn’t this exactly why he’d sought him out?
Percy was right. He couldn’t protect anyone when at any moment he felt like he might catch fire. And, just like that, the irrational part of him won. Jamie nodded, and let Haru lead the way.
In expectant silence they wandered all the way down to the long-closed outdoor pool for which Haru had a key. The whole area had become one with the surrounding nature, curious flowers and weeds peeping out from between the stone slabs, the emptied pool filled with emerald puddles, the crisp oranges and browns of leaves resting on the surface.
Last time Jamie had set foot here, he’d been poisoned by Leviathan’s makeshift Hamelin Formula. It had made him drowsy and persuadable, honesty spilling out of his lips that he cringed to think about, and he was glad he could hardly remember it. Now the dappled topaz light hung in streams over the void of the empty pool, everything drenched in the calming scent of wet earth and pine.
‘What is troubling you?’ Haru asked, taking a seat on the damp ground.
Surrounded by the natural quiet, with only softly chirping birds and rustling leaves, Jamie allowed himself to exhale some of the tension in his shoulders, settling down beside Haru, their legs dangling over the edge of the pool.
‘Percy said I should talk to you. He asked me to actually, because he thinks we have a lot in common,’ Jamie blurted out. ‘He and Raphael – they think I’m not processing what happened in Tokyo properly, which is ridiculous because we’re trained for moments like that, which they don’t understand.’
‘Those are very good friends you have.’ Haru looked up, the sun drenching his freckled face. ‘It’s a shame they’ve had to go through so much simply because of who they know.’
‘What do you –’
Haru turned back to him, his face warping in a way that Jamie hadn’t seen before. His expression was no longer warm. It flickered like a roaring flame, surging just enough for Jamie to catch a glimpse. ‘It was very scary,’ he said, sounding strangely childish, ‘when you fell off the roof.’
‘Excuse me?’
‘You fell, didn’t you? That’s what the nurse said. I’m amazed you made it to Takeshin. Do you remember how?’
‘No, it’s a blur.’
‘Maybe someone helped you home.’
‘The only people that knew where I’d fallen were Leviathan, and they …’ Through the flashes of lightning and the biting rain Jamie could feel something else, a memory of being carried, the weight of another human, strong and tall, accompanied by soft murmurs making sure he was OK, with all the care and worry of a parent doting over a child.
‘What is the matter?’ Haru asked.
‘Nothing, my brain is just getting confused. Making stuff up to save me from the trauma, I assume.’
Even as he said this, though, he relived the sensation of being carried, and the smell caught in his nose, nearly overpowering him. It was the scent of spiced wine and burning.
When he looked back to Haru, the sky behind him was red over the dense wall of trees. The sun was so low on the horizon it stretched their shadows, and the distended forms twisted and pulled until they morphed into demonic reflections in the space below their feet.
‘Tell me about your parents,’ Haru said, his voice soft and hypnotizing.
‘I don’t know them; the Wolfsons are my family,’ Jamie replied, listening to Haru’s steady breathing beside him like a swinging pendulum.
A smile that almost looked like a private joke spread over Haru’s lips, and Jamie had the strangest desire to touch them, like they might tell him everything he wanted to know and fix what was broken.
‘What about your mother? What do you know about her?’
‘My mother?’
Jamie was confused. Why was Haru bringing up his mother? He knew he should get up and walk away, that he should kill this conversation dead before it could do any harm, but the way Haru looked at him instilled a sense of trust in Jamie that he had never felt before. The words spilled out of him, bringing her to life after years of keeping her locked away.
‘Her name was Hirana.’ He felt her name on his lips like a prayer, awakening something deep inside him. ‘She was an immigrant from Pakistan; she worked at the palace in Maradova for a while. In the gardens, I think.’
‘Aren’t you ever curious about your heritage?’ Haru pondered, his heavy eyelashes fluttering and coaxing him to keep uncovering these things he usually buried. ‘Perhaps you could use your sabbatical to visit her home country?’
‘Haru, I’ve told you – I’m never taking a sabbatical,’ Jamie grumbled, whatever spell he was under breaking as the last of the sunlight slipped beyond the horizon.
‘I’m sorry,’ Haru said earnestly, placing his hand dangerously close to Jamie’s. ‘I only find it confusing that your princess and her family do not encourage you to explore your, how to say this –’ he paused, tapping his fingers in thought, one of them brushing very softly against Jamie’s hand – ‘your personal identity. Sorry if I am misunderstanding.’
Haru’s words had the world melting away, a memory forming, not of his princess but of Lottie and the gift she’d bought him for his birthday before she knew his preference not to celebrate it. It was a book about Pakistan, filled with recipes and stories and history, which he’d been so angry about, so afraid. But, despite his disapproval, he’d found himself unable to part with it. Ellie had never given him such a thing, nor had the rest of the Wolfsons. All he had from them was the silver wolf they all hung round their necks. Biting down hard on his cheek, Jamie reminded himself that they’d also taken him in and, most importantly, trusted him.
‘I have a question,’ Haru said, his summer-breeze smile returning, eyes creasing like a fox. ‘It’s about your princess, and her friend Ellie – they are very close, are they not? Closer than most friends?’
Jamie froze, torn between his relief at the change in topic, and the prickling feeling on his skin at the mention of Lottie and Ellie in the same sentence, knowing they were skirting dangerously round the truth.
‘Yes, they are very close.’ Saying it out loud made the phantom burn in his chest surge.
‘It is only my observation, but the two of them seem so different, like night and day.’
Jamie winced once more. It was his greatest fear to see that light in Lottie snuffed out by the darkness of the Wolfsons’ burdens.
‘Sometimes opposites are good for each other,’ he replied through gritted teeth, furious with himself for having all these awful thoughts.
‘Then why does Ellie make your princess so unhappy?’
Somewhere a twig snapped, and Jamie turned sharply in the direction of the sound. However, there was only Haru staring back at him, his dark brown doe eyes black as charcoal in the encroaching night.
No more was what he saw in Ellie and Lottie his own bias; it was fact, observable to those around them. Jamie knew that Lottie had been good for Ellie once, because she’d showed her the damage her carefree attitude could inflict. In that split second the Maravish royal family no longer felt like his saviours. They were not benediction, kindness and salvation. They were a disease, one that had already claimed him. And when he searched deeper into the feeling he could not see Ellie as his princess. It was only Lottie that he wanted to defend, and Ellie was what she needed protecting from.
‘Jamie-kun? Are you OK?’ Haru said, his voice softer now, and Jamie felt as if he were landing in it, a pillow to cushion him after such an awful thought. But then Ellie reformed in his head, standing over him with the light at her back, more like a prince than a princess, making that promise, swearing them both to protect Lottie by distancing themselves. He had to trust her; he had to believe she could hold up her end of the agreement.
‘I’m fine,’ Jamie said, standing up in one swift movement. ‘Come on.’
Holding his hand out like an invitation, Jamie gestured for Haru to take it, not shying away from his touch any longer. This was his way of saying thank you, of letting Haru know he’d earned his trust. The Partizan smiled up at him, the empty pool where his legs still dangled looking like an unknowable, unending void. It was easy to pull him up, and in seconds Haru was looking down on him again and the intimacy between them was palpable, their warm breath mingling like perfume in the air.
Haru had done him a huge favour. He’d offered him an ear and given him more clarity than he could know, so it was time for Jamie to return the favour.
‘About what you said,’ Jamie began, facing it head on. ‘Back in Dame Bolter’s office …’
‘Does it bother you?’ Haru asked, taking a small step back.
‘No, it’s just …’ Feeling shy in a way he didn’t know he was capable of, Jamie pushed his hair out of the way, thinking about all the times he’d seen Ellie do something similar. It was a peculiar and unknown realm to know that someone else had feelings for him in that way, someone he admired. ‘The truth is I don’t think I’m in a position to be thinking about anything like that,’ he said, feeling strangely guilty for the vague response.
Haru smirked down at him, clearly finding Jamie’s unexpected bashfulness far more funny than he did. ‘That’s OK. I’m happy if I can simply give you some comfort. I don’t like to see you lost, even if my persistence for us to get closer has been an annoyance.’
‘Well, you’ve done that.’ Jamie tilted his head to the side, the corners of his mouth inching into a smile. ‘I’m glad you were so persistent.’
Having reached a comfortable truce, the two boys walked back through the nearly deserted school with only the moon watching them, and Jamie thought with a sigh what a relief it was to finally have someone who understood him, someone he could trust.
