Leia is quiet as she follows me to my home office, and truthfully, I’m not sure what to say either. All I know is that my daughter loves her. It might not be clear to anyone but me, but she does.
“Have a seat,” I tell Leia, gesturing toward the chair opposite my desk. I’m feeling conflicted as I walk around my desk and sit down opposite her. We’re both tense, and there’s so much left unspoken. We’ve only just gotten a handle on working together at Astor College, and having her in my home is disorienting.
“When did you become a nanny?”
She stares at me, clearly attempting to assess whether I’m asking her this for personal or professional reasons. “It’s been nearly seven years. The company I work for is owned by my sister, and I initially joined to help her through the start-up phase, but I soon fell in love with the work.”
I nod. “How have you been able to combine your education with your work?”
Leia straightens in her seat, her walls vanishing, replaced by the professionalism I’d expect of my children’s nanny. I look into her eyes, memories flooding my mind. I still remember the way her eyes widened when I kissed her thighs, the way she gasped when I placed my lips right below her ear. I can’t look at her without wanting her. I shouldn’t hire her. I can’t have her in my home for hours every day. I can barely deal with being her professor.
“The role is always diverse. During my undergrad, I only worked as a stand-in nanny. Our firm usually contracts two nannies, so there’s always someone available for the family if one of us falls away. My working day as a nanny would often start once the kids are off school, so I’d use the time they were at school to finish my educational work. I’ve never had a problem combining the two, since my nanny hours have never been more than four hours a day.”
How many bloody hours has she been working if you include her PhD? And for how long? It sounds like she’s been working herself to the bone for years now. “What are your qualifications?”
“All nannies at our firm are trained in everything you might need, but primarily in habit building, motor skill development, cognitive skills, emotional and moral growth, nutrition, and behavior management. Of course, we’re also trained in emergency care and child safety, sir.”
“Sir?” I repeat, leaning back in my seat. I like the way that sounds on her lips. She looks so serious sitting opposite me, and I can’t help but feel conflicted as hell. I still want her as badly as I did two years ago, but just as I knew then, I know I can’t pursue her.
Leia looks away, clearly flustered, and my heart warms. I sigh and run a hand through my hair, trying my hardest to get a handle on my emotions. “Normally, you’d be the last person I’d want around my kids, considering our history, but Lucy likes you,” I say eventually. “Colton has been okay, but Lucy has had a hard time recently. I think you might be good for her.”
Leia turns back to me, her surprise evident. “Oh,” she murmurs, her voice barely above a whisper.
“I would like to hire you, Leia, but before I do so, we need to talk. Really talk.” I wouldn’t even consider it if I even remotely suspected Leia had any ulterior motives. It’s clear to me that she’d rather stay away from me, yet despite our issues, she treated Lucy with such care. She’s the kind of person I can trust with my kids, and it’s rare for me to feel that way.
Leia crosses her arms and looks out the window, and I stare at her. Her long dark hair drapes over her, and I wish I could thread my hair through it, my fingers grazing over her scalp, before I yank her closer. I grit my teeth and look away. I’ve never wanted anyone as much as I want her.
“I don’t think we should work together. It’s bad enough that we have to see each other so much because of my doctorate,” she says.
“There’s no getting out of us seeing each other, so what difference does it make?”
She looks startled, and then she nods. “I suppose that’s true.”
I exhale a breath I didn’t even know I was holding. I shouldn’t want her around my kids, but damn it, I do. Seeing her sitting there with Lucy, the two of them reading together… fuck. It just felt so right when for months, I’ve felt like I’m walking a fucking tightrope, like I’m one wrong step away from crashing down.
“I would like you to take the job as the kids’ nanny, but regardless, we’re going to be working closely together. I prefer to clear the air between us, if you will allow me. We can only evade the topic for so long.”
She looks at me, her guard slipping back in place. She tenses, but she nods.
“That night two years ago? My ex-wife and I had already signed our divorce papers, but it just hadn’t been processed yet. What should’ve been a straightforward filing ended up being a drawn out battle.”
She looks surprised, and her shoulders slump. Ley… I have no doubt a million terrible thoughts ran through her mind when she saw the kids.
“Alice and I… the divorce came out of nowhere, which is what made it so much harder on the kids. They, and I, thought we were such a happy family. To say I was surprised when Alice asked for a divorce is an understatement.”
Leia looks down at her hands, her expression hidden from me. I’m not sure what she’s thinking, but I do know that I need to be honest with her. If she’s going to be around my children, I can’t have anything standing between us. I won’t expose them to any more turmoil.
“That’s the reason I walked away after that night, Leia. I won’t lie to you and pretend it meant nothing to me, because that’s not even remotely what it was. Being with you, having that night underneath the stars in one of my favorite places, it was magical. It was exactly what I needed after a couple of really shitty months. You made me feel like myself again, and you made me smile when my days had been filled with misery. That one night has been seared in my mind from the moment I walked away, and several times I regretted not giving you the right number, but in the end, I think I made the right call. I was going back to England, and the kids had been through enough. I was about to ask them to move to the States with me, and their entire lives would be uprooted. I couldn’t introduce a new woman into their lives, and I certainly couldn’t date you the way you deserve to. I give my kids most of me, Leia, and most days, I’ve got nothing left to give. I don’t have time to date, even if I wanted to. That’s why I walked away. It wasn’t anything you did, and it wasn’t because that night didn’t mean anything to me. It was just the wrong place and the wrong time.”
She nods, her expression guarded. “I get it, Thor. I do. It was just a one-night-stand, and I get that. What I don’t understand is why you wouldn’t just tell me that. Why would you go out of your way to give me the wrong number? Why not just be honest with me?”
I look away, my heart aching. Just hearing her call me Thor evokes memories of holding her in my arms. Would she believe me if I told her that night was probably the last time I truly felt happy? “I don’t know,” I tell her honestly. “I guess it’s because I was considering giving you the right number until the very last second. Because I hadn’t made up my mind until you asked me for my number. I wish I had a better excuse for you, Leia, but I don’t.”
Leia nods and wraps her arms around herself. “I understand,” she says. “I appreciate your honesty.”
“You and I…”
“I know,” she says. “If we’re working together in two different settings, there’s absolutely no way we could get involved with each other — and honestly, I don’t want to. I’m not interested in rehashing any part of our past, however brief it may have been. You needn’t worry about me. I can promise you I’ll always be professional. That night won’t repeat itself.”
It isn’t her I’m worried about. It’s me. She might be able to stay away from me, and to her what we had might just be a one-night-stand, but it’s not the same for me. Even just having her sitting opposite me is too much. I want her closer. I want to beg for her forgiveness and kiss her until she tells me it’s okay. This woman… she’s a threat to my fucking sanity, and she doesn’t even know it.
“In that case,” I say, rising from my seat. “I look forward to working with you.”
Leia rises and shakes my hand, our eyes meeting for a moment before she looks away. Yeah, I’m fucking done for.
