Lucy’s phone buzzes, and I pull my gaze away from my dissertation research to look at her. She’s sitting next to me at the dining table, the two of us having grown accustomed to our afternoons together. She and Colton will do their homework with me right here at the table, and if they get it all done to my satisfaction, Colton gets to play his games, while Lucy gets to read or watch TV for as many hours as she wants.
Usually her nose is buried in a book, but today she’s barely looked up from her phone. “What’s going on, Luce?” I ask, equal parts curious and concerned. I understand that the kids having their own phones was part of the divorce agreement, ensuring their mother could always reach them, but technology is scary these days. She could be talking to anyone, anywhere. I finally understand my mother’s paranoia. What if she’s chatting with some type of sick bastard who’s pretending to be her age and is befriending her? I take a deep breath, trying my hardest to keep from overthinking. Damn it. When did I turn into my mother?
“Oh,” she says, looking up, her cheeks rosy. My heart hammers in my chest, part of me expecting the worst. “It’s my mum.”
I freeze, guilt slamming into me at the thought of Thor’s ex-wife. The kids are still healing from the pain caused by the separation of their parents. The last thing I should be doing is lusting after their father. She looks so happy at the mention of her mother, and my stomach knots uncomfortably. If she knew what Thor and I did, she’d be heartbroken.
“She says she misses me. I’m trying to convince her to come see me, because Dad will never let me go to her. Definitely not while I have to go to school.” She hesitates, and then she puts her phone down for a moment. “Would you… would you maybe talk to Dad for me? I know you work together at school too, and you seem to be friends. Maybe he’ll listen to you? I’d ask uncle Silas, but he doesn’t… well, he doesn’t like Mum.”
I look away, unsure what to say. “Lucy, I’m not sure it’s my place to do that. This sounds like a family matter.”
“But you’re family, aren’t you? You’re nothing like the other nannies we’ve had. You actually care about us, and you’re Dad’s friend.”
I sigh and lean in to brush her hair behind her ear. “I can’t promise anything, Luce. I can mention it, but I’m not sure how your dad will react.”
She nods and wraps her arms around herself. “He gets mad when we mention Mum. He thinks we don’t notice, but we can tell.”
“Yeah?” I murmur, unsure what to say to her. This is the first time she’s really opening up to me about anything at all, and I don’t want to dismiss her, but it feels inappropriate to be discussing her mother after I slept with her father. The memories of Thor’s hand in my hair as he pushed his cock into my mouth is still fresh in my mind, and the guilt is almost too much to bare. The idea of their father moving on would hurt the kids endlessly, but it being me, someone they trust… I’m not sure they’d ever be okay with that.
“I just miss her,” she whispers, her voice breaking. “I want her to come home. I want us to be happy again.”
I wrap my arm around her, barely able to contain the remorse that threatens to overwhelm me. If Lucy ever found out about her father and me, she’d never forgive me. I have no doubt she’d feel intensely betrayed. How are we ever supposed to tell her? “Aren’t you happy now, Lucy? We hang out together every day, and we have fun, don’t we?”
She nods, but her sniffles betray her sorrow. I wrap my arms around her fully and hug her tightly. “It’s not the same. I miss her so…so much.” Her breathing changes, as though she’s drowning in sobs that she’s keeping inside, and I tighten my grip on her. “Colt has Dad, and their bond is different, but I had Mum.”
I pat her hair gently as I try my hardest to keep my own tears at bay. How did I never realize just how badly she was hurting? She’s never given me any indication that she misses her mother.
“I know it wouldn’t be the same, but if you’d like to, you and I can go on a spa date? We could even invite auntie Amara too, if you want to? You’re right, my love, Colton has your dad, and they play games and sports together, but you’ve got me. We’re friends, aren’t we?”
She pulls away to look at me, wiping furiously at her tears as though she’s embarrassed she cried at all. She’s such a strong little girl. I wish I’d done a better job. I wish she didn’t feel the need to act so strong all the time. I should’ve been there for her. I should’ve realized she was hurting.
“Really?”
“Absolutely. We can go this weekend.”
“You mean it?”
“Have I ever lied to you before, Lucy?”
She shakes her head and sniffs again. “Just you and me? You won’t bring Colton or Dad?”
“Nope. It’s girls-only! Would you like to invite Auntie Amara, or shall we just make it a private Lucy-Ley day?”
She hesitates, a shy smile on her face. “Lucy-Ley day,” she whispers, and I chuckle, my heart overflowing.
“You got it, my love. I just need to ask your dad for permission, but I think he’ll say yes.” I rarely work weekends, since Thor likes to take care of them himself then, but I have a feeling he’ll let me take Lucy for the day.
“I hope he says yes,” she says, her tone hopeful, and I nod.
“He will.”
I stroke her hair gently, running the tips of my fingers over it. “Luce, you know you can talk to me anytime, right? I’m very sorry that I didn’t realize you missed your mom so much. I can never replace her, but if I’d known, I would’ve done my best to plan activities with you that you might miss.”
She nods. “I know, Ley.”
“Is there anything else you’d like to do with me?”
She hesitates, and then she nods. “Would you take me shopping? It’s so awkward to go with Dad and Colt. I was going to ask Auntie Amara, but I want to go with you.”
“Of course, my love. I haven’t been shopping in ages. You can help me pick out a new pair of heels.”
She chuckles. “Ley, your heels are crazy. I don’t even know where you can buy some of the crazy ones you wear.”
I shrug. “Sounds like a fun challenge to me.”
Lucy laughs, and I breathe a sigh of relief. Her earlier sorrow is gone, but for how long? She clearly misses her mother, and I feel like an imposter. Like I’m trying to steal Thor’s ex-wife’s spot in everyone’s lives. It makes me feel disgusted with myself.
I can’t shake the feeling for the rest of the day. Just this morning, I’d been looking forward to Thor coming home. I’d been imagining us sneaking into one of the bedrooms together, even if it’s just for a quick kiss. Now I can barely stomach the idea. The mere thought of causing the kids any more pain sickens me.
I check my watch when I hear Thor walk in, surprised at how quickly the day flew by. I managed to spend most of my afternoon overthinking things instead of working on my dissertation.
“Princess,” he says as his eyes fall on me, and my heart skips a beat. His gaze roams over my body, and I bite back a smile.
“You’re home earlier than I expected.”
“Yeah,” he murmurs. “I couldn’t wait.”
“Thor,” I say, my tone hesitant. “Can we talk?”
He tenses and looks away, but not before I catch the frustration in his expression. He nods and tips his head toward his home office, and I follow him.
“This isn’t quite the welcome I expected,” he says as the door closes behind him.
I nod. “I know, but I…”
“You what? You had a change of heart? Don’t tell me you regret what happened, Leia. Please.”
I shake my head. “No… and yes. I spoke to Lucy today.”
Thor’s eyes widen, confusion crossing his eyes. “Okay,” he says, indicating for me to continue.
“She told me she really misses her mother, and she wanted me to ask you if maybe her mother could come see her? From what I understand, they’ve been texting.”
Thor leans against his desk and runs a hand through her hair. “What the fuck?” he murmurs, seemingly more to himself than to me. “Why the fuck does she want to see Lucy now? She didn’t even fight for custody. When I told her I was taking the kids here, she didn’t protest for a second. She even told me some distance would do us good, so why the fuck is she suddenly showing an interest?”
I shake my head, unsure what to say. “I can tell Lucy is hurting, Thor. She and I also discussed doing a spa day together, and I was wondering if that would be okay with you? Could I take her with me on Saturday? I know it isn’t really my place, but I’d really like to.”
He straightens, and the way he looks at me sends my heart into overdrive. “Of course you can, Leia. I just… with us being together, I want you to know that I don’t have any expectations of you. I want as much as you’re willing to give me, and I won’t ask for any more than that. I don’t expect you to take on Alice’s role. I would never ask that of you.”
I cross my arms, a hint of anger blooming in the pit of my stomach. “I’m not after her role, Thor. I care about Lucy. Don’t mistake this for me having ulterior motives.”
He smiles, unraveling my anger before it has a chance to take root. “I wish you did have ulterior motives, Princess.”
My eyes widen and I look away, forcing myself not to read too much into his words. “Thor… we really should also talk about us. I care about Colton and Lucy, and I don’t want them to be affected by what’s going on between us. I’m not sure… maybe we shouldn’t—”
“No,” he cuts me off and walks toward me, his hands wrapping around my waist. “There’s no way I’m letting you walk away again, Leia. What happens between you and me is a private matter, and we’ll keep it that way.” He cups my cheek, his thumb brushing over my lower lip. “There’s a reason I didn’t use protection, Leia. I want a future with you, the same one you envision for yourself. We’ll keep our relationship private until we no longer can, but it certainly won’t be forever.”
I nod, a tender ache settling in my chest. Once the kids find out about us, everything will change, and not necessarily for the better. We’re on a collision course, he and I. They’re still healing from their parents’ separation, and I don’t want to be the reason they’re hurt again. They might like me as their nanny, but I can’t be sure they’d welcome me into their family.
And then there’s my own family. Our cultures are too different, and the fact that he has kids from a previous marriage would be unacceptable to my parents.
I just hope that what we have is enough to weather the storm. I hope no one gets hurt.
