“How was school?” I ask as we walk through the front door, a brave smile on my face even though my heart is falling to pieces. The kids haven’t spoken a word to me since I picked them up, and you’d think that I’d have gotten used to it in the last few weeks, but I haven’t. Each day is as hard as the last one.
Thor and I keep hoping for change, both of us hoping that this behavior will only last until Alice leaves next week, but I’m not sure. I think the damage to our relationship is permanent, and I wonder what Thor thinks of it.
It won’t be long before he cuts me out of their lives entirely. My presence isn’t a good influence on them anymore. The home that was filled with love and laughter has become so quiet and devoid of joy, and it’s all my fault.
How can my relationship with Thor even last like this? When the kids make it so clear that they don’t want me in their lives, how is he going to summon the willpower to stay with me? What would a future together even look like?
Flashes of a quiet dinner table and reluctant kids on family trips go through my mind, and my heart sinks. We were so happy before they found out about us, until Alice came back. I hoped that speaking to her would help, but it hasn’t. If anything, the kids seem angrier each time I pick them up from her house, and I have no idea what she’s telling them.
It’s hard for me, because the last thing I want to do is be the person who questions them, or who badmouths their mother in any way. I can’t even warn them not to believe everything she says without checking in with us first, because it’ll just lead to me losing whatever remaining credibility I have.
“Your teacher called me, Colt. Looks like your grades have dropped a little lately. We’re going to go through your homework together after dinner.”
With Alice taking them after school, I haven’t had a chance to check their homework or tutor them whenever I feel they need it. The added turmoil caused by our family situation likely isn’t helping either. Thankfully, Lucy seems to be doing okay. I can manage tutoring Colton, since he doesn’t seem to hate me as much as Lucy does… but I cannot imagine having to tutor Lucy when it’s so clear she can’t stand me.
Almost as if on cue, Lucy stomps up the stairs and slams her bedroom door closed. I’m so close to snapping and telling her I’ll remove her door if she slams it one more time, but I’m not her mother. I never will be. Disciplining the kids is Thor’s job, and I won’t be overstepping anymore.
“She doesn’t really hate you,” Colton says, his voice so soft I nearly miss his words.
“What makes you say that?” I ask carefully.
“It’s just because she misses Mum. I don’t believe the things that Mum says about you, but Lucy does. She thinks that if you leave, Mum might come back to live with us again.”
I nod. I get it, I do… but there’s nothing I can do to fix that. I can’t make her see reason. Adrian talks to her every single day, and it still isn’t enough.
“And what do you believe?”
He shakes his head. “I don’t know. I don’t want Mum and Dad to fight all the time again, and Dad says he doesn’t want to live with Mum again. I think it maybe isn’t your fault. I don’t really know, Ley, but you’re never mean to me. Mum says you’re only nice to me because you have to be, but I don’t believe that. Our other nannies were never like you. You’re different.”
I nod, unsure what to say to that. He’s far more perceptive than I thought he was. I guess, maybe, the kids do realize what is going on, but I’m just an easy target, someone to blame for their parents’ separation so they don’t have to deal with the pain.
“I don’t know about your mum and dad, Colt. I can’t tell you if they’ll ever get back together or not, because it isn’t my decision to make,” I tell him. I sincerely doubt Thor would ever give Alice another chance, but I can’t tell Colt that. “But I can promise you I’ll always love you. I’m not nice to you because I have to be. It’s because you’re very special to me, and I love spending time with you. I’ve missed you, Colt.”
He nods and grabs my hands, an apologetic look in his eyes. “I miss you too, Ley… but I’m all that Lucy has. I have to be on her side. Mum and Dad are always fighting, so I have to side with Lucy.”
I sink down to my knees and place my hands on his shoulder. “I get it, Colton. But as her brother, it’s also your job to guide her when she’s wrong. If you think she isn’t doing the right thing, you need to guide her back onto the right path. Sometimes, in life, we lose our way. It’s because of the people around us that care about us, that we find our way back. Remember that, okay? Not just for now, but for in the future too. You and Lucy should always stick together, but always question if what you’re doing is the right thing to do.” I tap on his chest gently. “If it doesn’t feel right in here, then take some time to think about what’s going on, and what you should do, okay?”
He nods and stares into space as I pull out his textbooks. Had I known getting him to do homework with me would’ve made him talk, I’d have done it so much sooner.
The two of us work together harmoniously until the doorbell rings. I look up in surprise when Amara follows the housekeeper in.
“Hey, babe,” she says, a knowing look in her eyes.
Relief rushes over me at the sight of her. I’ve kept from telling her too much, because Adrian is her cousin. I don’t want to put her in a position where she’ll feel like she needs to speak to him, because I know what she’s like. If she’s worried about me, she won’t be able to keep her mouth shut.
“Amara? What are you doing here?”
She smiles knowingly at me and places her handbag on the table. “I’m here to hang out with my niece for a bit. Where is she? In her bedroom, I assume?”
I nod, and Amara walks past us, toward the stairs. Did Thor ask her to speak to Lucy? I’m worried this is going to backfire.
“Go on,” I tell Colton. “You can go play games now, but we’re picking this back up tomorrow. You’ve done enough for tonight, but there’s still a lot left to do.”
He nods and takes off running, a smile on his face. It hits me right in the chest. When was the last time I saw him smiling like that?
I’m anxious as I walk up the stairs, terrified of what Amara might say. She’s my best friend in the whole wide world, but she’s unpredictable and ballsy. Lucy needs to be handled with care right now.
I pause right outside Lucy’s bedroom door and lean against the wall beside it, ready to intervene if I need to.
“So, I heard you hate Leia now. Is that true?” Amara asks, and I freeze. What does she think she’s doing?
“We should just get rid of her, shouldn’t we?” Amara adds when Lucy stays silent. “My mom hired her, so while your daddy can’t fire her, my mom can. Shall I ask her to just fire Leia?”
“I thought she was your best friend,” Lucy says, her tone accusing.
“Yeah, we used to be, but now she’s always here, and she never has time for me anymore. I want her to stop spending so much time with you, so I get her to myself again. She’s always taking you to places, hanging out with you, taking you to watch movies and going shopping with you. You even went to the spa without me. If she stops working here, she’ll stop spending so much time with you, and I can have her back.”
Seriously, what is she doing? My nerves are skyrocketing, and I’m itching to walk into Lucy’s room to drag Amara out.
“You can’t,” Lucy snaps. “You can’t have her back.”
“Oh, but why? You don’t like her anymore, right? We can just find you a new nanny for when your mom leaves next week. You don’t need Leia. You don’t even speak to her anymore. She’s sad here, and I don’t like seeing my best friend sad. Every time you ignore her, her heart breaks. I don’t want to see Leia cry anymore. If you don’t want her, she should go work for a family that loves her. It’s not like you’d miss her, would you? I’m sure there’s a little girl out there who would love to spend time with Leia, and who would appreciate her and would never ignore her.”
“Leia was crying?” Lucy asks, her voice soft and concerned.
“You make her cry every day. Every time you ignore her, her heart breaks. Every time you accuse her because of something your mom told you, something you know isn’t true, she cries. I’ve had enough of it, Lucy. If you don’t want her, I’m taking her away. You know just as well as I do that it isn’t Leia’s fault your parents aren’t together anymore, and I’m tired of you hurting her.”
My blood starts to boil at the harshness in her voice. Lucy has been through so much already, the last thing she needs is to be chastised like this, but it also doesn’t feel right to intervene.
I grit my teeth when I hear the sound of Lucy sniffling, as though she’s holding back tears. When Amara walks out minutes later, she glances at me apologetically.
“Someone had to do it, Leia. You won’t, and Adrian can’t. Someone needs to make sure they stop and think about what they’re doing and what’s happening.”
She walks away, leaving me standing there, surrounded by the sound of Lucy crying. It breaks my heart, and today, more than usual, I wish I was still the person she turns to when she’s hurting.
I wish I could take her in my arms and make the pain go away, but I can’t. Not when I’m the cause of it.
