DISAPPEARING MEN
Pantaphobia (noun): total absence of fear.
DAY 31, HOUR 10
I woke up alone on a mattress pad in the middle of the floor, with a pile of ice-covered blankets covering me. The pillows were coated in frost.
Snow slammed violently against the dark window. If it weren’t for the clock, I would have thought it was night.
For the first time in years, I felt well rested.
Mentally, I was doing better. Physically, I was struggling.
My shoulder muscles ached from fighting for hours, and my fingers were sore from gripping a sword hilt.
I hobbled off the mattress with my pipe between my lips.
The arches of my feet cramped as I walked, since I’d sprinted in heavy combat boots for hours.
I cracked my neck loudly and looked down. I was wearing male sweatpants that I didn’t remember putting on.
Horse cawed as he settled onto my shoulder, and his long feathers hung almost to the floor. I stroked his elegant neck. He preened and smoke wisped off him.
Sightlessly, I stared at the wall and smoked, enjoying the stillness of the quiet morning.
Horse tucked his long neck into his chest and slept.
Smoke warmed my frozen lungs.
A drawer shut, and I jumped at the loud noise.
Turning around, I took in the room and frowned. Orion and the demons were getting dressed.
My stomach churned.
It was eerily quiet because there were only four of us in the room.
John, Luka, Malum, and Scorpius were all missing.
Again.
My gut told me they weren’t at breakfast.
Whatever, I wasn’t going to let their absence ruin my newfound feeling of peace. I felt like I could take on the world.
I could do anything.
Bundled in my clothes, I walked out of the barracks into the blizzard. Head down, I pushed forward through the storm to get to breakfast. During our first week at the camp, the snowfall had been mild, and the days had been mostly full of sunshine. We hadn’t had a pleasant day since.
I traveled further down the path.
Enchanted jewelry warmed and pulsed faster against my skin.
Then it hit me.
I went still as I looked around.
Nothing.
No pain.
The bond sickness with the kings was gone.
“Holy sun god,” I whispered with awe at the richly colored forest.
All the pieces clicked together.
The strange dream I’d had about the Necklace of Death; the new vibrant colors; the lack of emptiness in my chest; the enchanted pulsing jewelry.
I stared down at my diamond covered wrist in astonishment.
My new soul bond with the twins must have broken my toxic connection with the kings.
I was free.
I tipped my head back and laughed with abandon.
It was a miracle.
Immediately, my euphoria abated as I remembered how the bond was hurting the twins. There was still something wrong with my soul.
I rubbed at my aching sternum and breathed deeply. I tried to calm my racing thoughts.
You’ll figure it all out.
“What are you doing?” Orion yelled over the wind as he sprinted toward me. “Why didn’t you wait for me?”
I composed myself.
“Breakfast,” I answered casually.
A hand on my arm stopped my forward progress through the snow.
“I can’t tell you where they went,” Orion said like he could read my mind. Snowflakes gathered on his dark eyelashes, the white contrasting with his golden skin. “But don’t worry, everything is going to work out. I promise.”
I sighed.
Staring into his eager eyes, I realized I couldn’t tell him about the fixed bond sickness.
He’d be devastated and convinced that I’d chosen the twins over him and the kings.
I didn’t want him to suffer.
I didn’t want any of them to suffer.
Not anymore.
“Let’s go eat.” I held out my hand.
Instead of taking my hand, Orion draped his arm over my shoulder and pulled me flush against him. I melted into his embrace.
The silence between us was peaceful.
He led me into the cafeteria, pulled my chair out at the table where Jinx was sitting, then went and got food for both of us.
At the beginning of the war, each of the tables had been full of soldiers eating and talking boisterously.
Less than half the tables had people seated at them.
Everyone spoke in hushed murmurs.
I started to count the number of people present but stopped because it was nauseating.
We’d walked into the last battle with fifty-nine soldiers.
There were not that many left.
Later, I’d go find the sheet that all the soldiers had signed after the battle so we could have an accurate casualty count. I’d call the High Court and give them an update. I’d probably have to stand through another funeral. Then I needed to research bonds to understand exactly why the twins were hurting. I’d—
“Stop thinking so strenuously,” Jinx said across the table.
I arched my eyebrow at her. “I’m not.”
“Sure, and I’m not missing my leg and assigned as your guardian.” She made a face.
“You’re stupid,” I thought loudly in my head, just to be spiteful.
Jinx petted her ferret scarf and didn’t react. She must not have heard me.
What was the point of having a mental connection if it didn’t work half the time?
“It works,” Jinx said. “I just was ignoring you.”
I clicked my tongue. “Awkward.”
She didn’t reply.
I smoked and stared at the table while she ate.
It was pleasant.
“How’s my favorite soulless bestie doing?” Sadie asked as she slapped me across the back. I spit out my pipe.
Jinx startled and knocked over her cup of water.
The tranquil vibes were broken.
I picked up my pipe and dusted it off.
Sadie had a manic energy about her that always ruined a peaceful environment. It was one thing I liked most about her. She kept life interesting.
She slumped into the seat next to me and propped her boots on my lap like I was a footstool.
“Really?” I pushed her feet off my thighs. I lowered my voice and whispered, “Also, I don’t need everyone knowing about my soul issues.”
“Don’t worry.” Sadie grinned around a bread roll and elbowed me. “Your secret is safe with me.” She mimed locking her lips and throwing away the key.
“Clearly,” I said as I watched her shove a chunk of butter into her mouth alongside the half-eaten roll.
How she’d seduced not one, but four men, would forever be a mystery to me. Not that they deserved her (they didn’t), but it was still a mystery.
“What are you two blathering on about?” Jinx asked as she cleaned up her spilled water.
Sadie blurted, “Aran doesn’t have a—” I kicked her under the table “—nothing,” she finished lamely.
Jinx frowned and stared at us, which was disconcerting because she was wearing dark sunglasses. She shook her head and mumbled something about how we sometimes used our brains. That, or she was talking about a satisfying rain—I couldn’t tell.
Jinx stroked her ferret and demanded, “Explain right now what you were talking about.” Her pursed lips gave her a matronly appearance.
I narrowed my eyes. “I think we should talk about you. How old are you again?”
Sadie’s butter knife clattered loudly against her plate as she stared at the child, who did not resemble a child anymore.
She gasped. “Wait a second. Aren’t you supposed to be fourteen?”
“I’m going through my species’s version of puberty,” Jinx said coldly as she cut her meat into tiny pieces.
“So your species skips the teenage years?” Sadie gaped at her. “I think you’re taller than me now. Stand up, let’s measure.”
Sadie stood up.
Jinx’s knuckles turned white around her knife. “Sit down. I know I’m taller than your malnourished corpus,” she said scathingly.
Sadie dropped back into her seat with a huff and opened her mouth—
“Corpus means body,” I said before she could ask.
Sadie shoved another roll into her mouth and said to Jinx, “Well, that’s rude.” She added a second roll before she’d swallowed. “I can’t believe you’re already taller than me—wait, did you grow boobs? You’re always wearing that oversize sweatshirt. Take it off so we can see.”
Jinx pointed her steak knife at Sadie. “Shut up.”
Sadie’s face turned red as she tried to hold back her questions.
“I got your favorite foods,” Orion whispered as he took the free seat next to me. I leaned close, discreetly inhaling his raspberry-and-chocolate scent.
“Thanks,” I said as my stomach growled and I started eating.
Cobra joined the table and set his tray down with a loud clatter. “Did all your men abandon you, Aran?”
Sadie choked, and both of us slapped her back at the same time.
“Don’t talk to her like that,” Orion said loudly, and everyone in the room froze.
All noises stopped.
“You don’t need to defend me,” I said, momentarily rendered speechless by the handsome prettiness of his features.
Orion frowned and said at full volume, “He knows nothing about our mates. No one should be allowed to speak to you like that.” Wide, unblinking eyes stared straight into my soul. “Do you want me to hurt him?”
“I thought that was Scorpius’s thing?”
Orion leaned close so our faces were inches apart. “No. Scorpius enjoys pain. That’s all. I’m also your Protector, sweetheart.”
His hand gently cradled the back of my head. His lips pressed softly against my forehead like I was something precious that needed to be handled with care.
I forgot how to breathe.
I ignored the pain in my back.
Orion pulled quickly away from me. “How could I forget about your back?” he gasped. “I’m so sorry. Please forg—”
I slammed my lips against his.
He groaned into my mouth and kissed me back passionately.
“When did you guys start making out?” Sadie asked, and we pulled apart.
“Pervertsssss,” Cobra hissed as he dug into what appeared to be a rare piece of steak. He shared a piece with Sadie.
Shifters are weird.
The rest of the meal passed in relative peace. It was relative because the entire time Jinx argued with Sadie, and Cobra argued with me. Orion watched us all with mild confusion.
Afterward, we stomped through the blizzard to the strategy room.
I studied the books.
Fifteen dead in total: fourteen foot soldiers and the last devil from the devil legion. I had a terrible feeling about the last death.
I wrote out the numbers numbly.
Forty-four soldiers were left, less than half the hundred men and women we’d started with.
So many dead.
The angels didn’t bother to show up to give the report. A sign of their defiant cowardice.
I spoke in a monotone voice to Dick. He was optimistic and thought the war was going well.
Behind him, Lothaire stared at me with an intense expression. “You can do this. Keep going.” He mouthed. “It’s almost over.”
I gave him a small smile.
It was strange to have a parental figure that cared. It was even stranger that a violent one-eyed vampyre was my father.
I never saw it coming.
He beamed at me like he was proud.
Warmth filled my chest.
When the screen clicked off, hives broke out across my chest. There was only one infected settlement left on the map, but unlike Dick, I had a bad feeling in my gut.
The next day, the men returned.
Two days later, the angels told us the new coordinates in a monotone voice. They’d worked fast.
There was no time to recover.
No dallying.
Once again, we went to war.
