Dear Ryen,
What do you think of this line to replace the ending of the chorus for Titan? You know, that song I sent you last time?
Don’t hold your breath, ‘cause you weren’t first! Someone had to build the stairs that you climb.
I was at the warehouse last night, and it just popped in my head. I think it fits the song a lot better, and with the beat, I think I’ll like the way it’s going to come out. Thoughts?
And yeah. Before you give me shit, I was at a party last night, sitting by myself, and writing music. So what? I think it helps my street cred, to be honest. You know…the quiet loner? The mysterious, hot rebel? Something like that? Maybe?
Whatever. Fuck it. You know I don’t like people.
Anyway, you asked me my favorite place in your last letter. The warehouse is one of them. During the day, when no one is there, you can hear the pigeons flapping through the rafters, and you can take in all the graffiti without everyone around. Some of it’s pretty incredible.
But I guess my absolute favorite place, other than you, of course, is my house. I know, I know. My dad is there, so why would I want to be? But actually… After my dad and sister have gone to sleep at night, when everything is dark, I crawl out my window and up to the roof. There’s a little hidden valley between the ridges where I sit back against the chimney, sometimes for hours, dicking around on my phone, taking in the view, or sometimes I write you. I love it up there. I can see the tops of the trees, blowing in the night wind, the glow of the street lamps and stars, the sound of leaves rustling… I guess it makes me feel like anything is possible.
The world isn’t always what’s right in front of you, you know? It’s below, it’s above, it’s out there somewhere. Every burn of every light inside every house I see when I look down from the rooftop has a story. Sometimes we just need to change our perspective.
And when I look down at everything, I remember that there’s more out there than just what’s going on in my house—the bullshit with my dad, school, my future. I look at all those full houses, and I remember, I’m just one of many. It’s not to say we’re not special or important, but it’s comforting, I guess. You don’t feel so alone.
Misha
I hold his letter in my hand, the last one he sent me in February before he stopped writing, and stare at the handwriting probably only I can read. The rough strokes and abrupt marks crossing the t’s and dotting the i’s, and the way he never puts the appropriate amount of space between words, so his sentences end up looking like one big, long hashtag.
Amusement creeps up. I’ve never had a problem reading his writing, though. I grew up with it, after all.
So many times I’ve read this letter. Looking for clues—any clues—to figure out why he stopped writing after this. There’s no hint that this was a goodbye, no indication that he was going to be any busier than usual or that he’d gotten bored or tired of me…
The emptiness is getting bigger and wider and deeper, and I sit on my bed, “Happy Song” playing from my iPod, and study his words that always put the perfect light on anything.
I’m not ready to start my day.
Why don’t I want to get up or even muster the energy to worry about what I’m going to wear?
He’s the only thing I look forward to. The only reason I rush home from school, so I can see if there’s mail for me.
I look up and stare at the words I wrote on my chalk wall last night.
Alone
Empty
Fraud
Masen’s words are in my head now. Not Misha’s.
“Ryen!” my mom calls and knocks on my bedroom door. “Are you up?”
My shoulders fall a bit, and I force myself to answer. “Yeah.”
I’m not entirely lying. I am awake and sitting up in bed, cross-legged and reading.
But as I hear her steps retreat back down the hallway and the stairs, I glance at the clock and see that I’ve procrastinated long enough. Folding the letter back up, I slip it into the white envelope and stick it in my bedside drawer. The rest of Misha’s letters are under my bed, every single one close in case I need them.
Standing up, I make my bed and pack my school bag before walking to my closet and snatching out a pair of white shorts and a black top. I may have already worn that outfit this week. I’m not sure. I suddenly don’t care.
Once dressed, I head for the bathroom to do my hair and make-up since I already showered after swim lessons last night.
I can’t believe that asshole threw me in the pool. It was my turn to stand up to him, and I was doing a damn good job, but just like a guy, when he can’t win with wit, he uses brawn.
Slow clap for Masen.
He may have had the last word, but he’d had to step up his game to do it. I feel an ounce of pride and smile as I enter the bathroom.
I straighten my hair, getting rid of my bedhead, and begin applying my make-up, getting rid of the dark circles I have from staying up too late doing homework last night. I also add some blush to make me look healthy and happy.
Someone walks in and tosses something in front of me. I look down and see my black envelope addressed to Misha. I pick it up.
It’s the letter I wrote him a few days ago. I can tell, because it has the stamps with the planets on them I just bought at the post office last week.
I look over at my sister, seeing her hair up in a messy bun and that she’s wearing a summer dress with my black flats she didn’t ask if she could borrow.
I frown. “Why do you have my letter?”
“I took it out of the mailbox when I left for class the other day.”
“Why?”
“Because he hasn’t written you in months,” she snips. “You need to let it go.”
Anger boils under my skin as I watch her twist toward the mirror and mess with her bun. “Tell me again how that’s any of your business,” I snap, and I don’t care if our mom hears.
“Ryen, it’s pathetic,” she says, looking at me like I’m a child. “You look like you’re chasing him. When he gets his shit together, he can find you.”
I throw down the letter and grab my lipstick, facing the mirror again. “He’s not my boyfriend who needs to check in, and I don’t have to explain myself to you. Don’t touch my mail again.”
“Fine.” She turns and walks for the door but stops and turns her head to look at me. “Oh, and mom’s waiting for you at the kitchen table. She saw your essay score online.”
She walks out, and I close my eyes, entertaining the idea of taking a cue from Masen for a wonderful split-second.
Cannonball or washing machine, Carson? Maybe a haircut?
I walk out of my house and past my Jeep, holding the strap of my school bag over my shoulder as I carry my letter to Misha back to the mailbox. I stick it inside and raise the flag so the mail carrier knows to pick it up.
But then my eyes fall to the trash cans next to the mailbox, and I pause.
You look like you’re chasing him. It’s pathetic.
Pathetic.
I swallow the bitter lump in my throat.
Maybe she’s right. Maybe I’m not a priority anymore. Maybe he got a girlfriend, and she made him stop writing me. Maybe he got bored. His letters have been slowing down over the past couple of years, after all. I didn’t mind, because I also got busier in school, but still…
Misha never wrote me as much as I wrote him. I’d never really thought about that until now.
I snatch the letter out of the mailbox, crumple it up in my fists, and toss it on top of the pile in the garbage can. Screw him.
I charge back toward my Jeep, my heart starting to race as the fresh dew on the grass wets my feet through my sandals.
But then I stop, feeling a wave of loss wash over me. No. It’s not pathetic. Misha wouldn’t want me to stop writing him. He made me promise. I need you, you know that, right? he’d said. Tell me we’ll always have this. Tell me you won’t stop. That was in one of his rare letters where I got a glimpse of everything he keeps hidden. He’d seemed afraid and vulnerable, and so I promised him. Why would I ever stop? I never want to lose him.
Misha.
I swing around and jog back to the garbage can, digging the crumpled envelope out and straightening it again. I flatten it as much as I can and stick it back in the mailbox, shutting the lid.
Without giving myself time to dwell on it, I hop in my car and drive to school. It’s almost May, and even though it’s a bit chilly, I brave it in my shorts and thin blouse, knowing the afternoon will be warmer. With ten minutes to spare, I park in the lot, seeing crowds of students milling about as I walk up the sidewalk to the front entrance.
Music plays from phones, people text, and I feel an arm snake around me, a familiar scent hitting my nose. Ten wears Jean Paul Gaultier cologne every day, and I love it. It makes my stomach somersault.
“What’s this,” he asks, lifting up my right hand.
I look down, seeing blue paint on my index finger and a little under my nail.
Shit.
I pull my hand away, my heart picking up pace. “It’s nothing. My mom is painting the bathroom, and I helped,” I tell him.
Curling my fingers into a fist, I hide my finger under the strap of my bag. I guess I need to wash in the shower a lot better at night.
“Look.” He gestures to my right.
I turn my head, seeing people circle around the lawn, and we both drift over to the edge of the sidewalk, reading the huge message, in big, silver letters, spray-painted on the grass.
Lyla got lost, got her salad tossed
In the men’s locker room last night.
Someone was in awe, fucking her raw,
But who could it be? It wasn’t J.D.
“Oh, shit,” Ten whispers, surprise heavy in his voice.
I stare at the words on the lawn, my mouth going dry with a sudden urge to laugh.
Uh, okay. Who the hell…?
Students crowd around, gasping and laughing, some taking pictures, while Ten and I back away.
“That’s the first time he ever got personal by naming names,” Ten says.
“Who?”
“Punk,” he answers as if I should know. “Now we know it’s someone who goes to school here. Someone who knows us.”
I groan inwardly. Yeah, but “Punk” always signs their messages. This is getting out of hand.
I hear a noise and look up to see one of the janitors rolling a pressure washer outside and trying to maneuver it down the stairs.
“Let’s go,” I tell Ten.
We walk into school and pass groups of students surrounding more messages on the walls, these ones signed.
You kissed my hair while sticking me in the heart.
But your house will break before I fall apart.
-Punk
I see a couple of girls take out pens and add more under the lines, dissing old boyfriends and writing things like, Yeah, Jake.
I hold back my laugh.
“This is killing me,” Ten exclaims as we make our way to our lockers. “I want to know who Punk is, and I want in.”
I snort. Leave it to Ten. Of course Lyla is our friend, but Ten knows as well as I do that what’s written on the lawn isn’t a lie, and I’m sure he’s excited to see the showdown with J.D.
“I’ve got to hunt that bitch down and find out who she was in the locker room with,” Ten says as he stops in front of his locker.
I keep walking, calling over my shoulder, “See you at lunch.”
I’m sure no one will discover whom Lyla was messing around with last night. She probably won’t even admit it’s true.
Coming up in front of my new locker, I key in the combination and open it, glancing to my left and noticing another janitor scrubbing away another message on the wall. He’s erased the first few words already, but I know what it says.
You loved me, we were besties, I lent you my eye shadow.
But someday all you’ll be is someone I used to know.
-Punk
And underneath is a collage of ripped-out yearbook pictures from last year, showing sports teams and groups of students smiling at rallies and games, hugging and laughing with each other.
I hang up my bag in my locker and take out the travel size nail polish remover from the shelf. Glancing around to make sure no one is looking, I walk over and hold it in front of Mr. Thompson, the janitor.
“Nail polish remover will take off anything,” I suggest, seeing his face sweaty and red from the exertion of scrubbing so hard.
He pinches his eyebrows together, probably taken aback by my being nice for once. Not that I’ve ever talked to him, but I may have missed the trash can a few times when tossing away my Starbucks cups. But he accepts the bottle, nodding in thanks.
Luckily nothing used to write on the walls is permanent, but it’s still a hassle for the cleaning staff. Not that I care, but…
I turn to go back to my locker, but my eyes instantly lock with Masen’s, and I pause. He’s leaning against the lockers across the hall, watching me with his arms crossed over his chest and a curious expression in his eyes.
Has he been there the whole time?
I force myself to ignore him and start grabbing my books out of my locker for my first class.
“There you are.”
I turn and see Lyla, looking a little worse for wear. There’s sweat on her brow, and her cheeks are flushed. I hear her phone buzzing. “What happened to your other locker?” she asks.
I raise my eyebrows at her. Is she really going to act like there’s not a big, flaming slap to her face on the school’s front lawn right now?
Oooookay.
“Someone broke into it,” I answer, turning back to my locker. “Was it you? After my black Bebe top?”
She tosses me a dirty look. “Like it would fit. I’m softballs, and you’re baseballs, babe.”
I hold back my eye roll as I stuff what I need in my bag, making sure I have my water bottle. I cast a quick glance behind me and see that Masen is gone.
Lyla’s phone keeps buzzing, and I don’t know if it’s Facebook notifications or J.D. burning her up, but I really don’t care.
Some girls pass by, covering their mouths with their hands, and Lyla shoots them a scowl. “Bite me, bitches,” she growls. And they look away, carrying their smirks with them as they walk down the hall.
Manny Cortez comes up behind her and tries to open his locker, but she turns around, facing both of us. “Well, well, well, maybe it was Manny who broke into your locker. Did you need some lipstick to go with that eyeliner?”
I see his expression harden as he keeps his back to her and doesn’t respond.
“Nah,” I step in, shutting my locker. “Two different color palettes. I’m a Mountain Sunset. He’s A Smokey Night.”
Lyla laughs but then she stops when we hear a yell.
“Heads up!”
We both dart our eyes upward and see a football flying down, coming straight for us. We scurry back, but there’s no need. The ball slams into the left side of Manny’s head, and he’s knocked to his right, his hand immediately shooting to cover his ear as he winces in pain.
“Oh, shit.” Trey runs up to us, laughing. “Sorry, dude. I honestly didn’t mean it. This time,” he adds.
I watch as Manny breathes hard, his black eyebrows wrinkled up in pain. He brings his hand away from his ear, and I see blood. My eyes go wide, and I suck in a breath.
Oh, my God. Is that coming from his ear or out of it? Before I can find out, though, Manny slams his locker door shut and charges off, disappearing into the bathroom as the bell sounds off.
“Nice going, asshole,” I scold.
“Hey, it was an accident.”
I see him cast a look at Lyla, and then I see J.D. pop up behind him as all of the students hurry to class.
“Get in class,” J.D. tells Lyla, his jaw flexing.
“Excuse me?”
“You heard me. I’ll finish talking to you later.”
She stands there, looking angry, but I don’t stick around to watch the outcome.
Walking past them, I head to Art, but I don’t see Masen in his seat. And by the time the bell rings, he’s still not there.
I just saw him in the hall. How does he get to just come and go as he likes and skip classes?
Luckily, though, Trey isn’t crashing class, either, so I make it through the entire period getting work on Misha’s cover done and being left entirely alone.
Even Manny is missing, probably having gone to the nurse to get his ear checked. I hope he’s okay. That had to hurt.
After class ends, I make my way to English, weaving through students as I slip into the classroom. Masen is sitting in his seat, and I pause, taken aback.
Jesus. What does he do? Put in appearances whenever he feels like it?
No books again, no visible pencil, and looks like he just showed up because he has nothing better to do. Isn’t he worried about graduating?
“Alright, take your questionnaires and go set the rest of your things down,” Mr. Foster instructs as we file into the room and he passes out papers. “And don’t forget to take a pencil. Once I call your names, you can pair up, take your things to the library, and begin working.”
Oh, that’s right. It’s Research Day.
Once in a while, Foster sends us to the library to let us work on our skills. He pairs us up, hands us a worksheet of information to find, and then we’re on our own for the whole period. It’s a reason to get out of class. I never complain.
“Lane, Rodney, and Cooper,” Foster calls from his roster.
Three students stand up, take their materials, and leave the room.
“Jess, Carmen, and Riley.”
He keeps going, one group after another, as the room slowly empties, and my nerves start to turn anxious when I realize there’s only a handful of people left, including Masen and me.
Please not him.
But Foster calls the next group. “Ryen, J.D., and Trey.”
I let out a breath of relief.
“Hell, yeah,” J.D. boasts, and I see him swipe a high-five at Trey next to him. I start to stand up, taking what I need.
“And last two…” Foster announces. “Lyla and Masen.”
I falter for only a moment and then swing my bag over my shoulder, hurrying out of the classroom.
Lyla and Masen. Great. She won’t be able to control herself.
I step out of the classroom, hardening my expression. Why do I even care? I don’t like him. I don’t give a damn if she flirts with him, which she’ll definitely do, so let her have at it. Fine.
She’s J.D.’s problem anyway.
And it doesn’t matter. Someone else already has my heart, and Masen Laurent isn’t him. He’ll never be Misha.
“My parents are out of town in a couple weeks,” Trey jogs up to me and places his hand on my waist as we walk. “I’m having a party, and I want you there.”
“Yeah, the pool’s heated,” J.D. adds behind us.
I look back, seeing Lyla and Masen following us, Masen’s eyes on me.
“Yeah, I know,” I tell J.D. “I’ve been in it. Remember?”
“Great,” Trey chimes back in. “So bring a swimsuit. Or don’t. Either way.”
Heat blankets my back, and I suddenly feel surrounded. I cast a quick glance back again, and I see Masen looking away as Lyla chats about something, but then he must sense me looking, because he meets my eyes again.
Trey follows my gaze, noticing my attention is not on him. Before I even realize my mistake, he whips around and grabs Masen by the collar, throwing him into the lockers.
“Hey,” he says in an overly friendly voice. “I don’t think we’ve met. I’m Trey Burrowes. You’re Masen Laurent.”
J.D., Lyla, and I stand and watch as Masen remains still, simply staring at Trey.
“Now that that’s over,” Trey goes on, closing in and getting in his face. “Let’s get a few things straight.”
“What the hell are you doing?” I inch closer.
“Yeah, Trey, come on,” J.D. speaks up. “He’s a good guy.”
But Trey just holds up his hands. “Relax. We’re just having a talk. I promise.”
I look down and see Masen’s fingers curl into fists, but he doesn’t move as Trey and he stand eye to eye.
“Now you’ve been having a little fun with my girl in class, and I also hear you were hassling her in the parking lot yesterday,” Trey states. “Whatever bullshit you’ve got going on stops now. Leave her alone.”
Masen’s gaze flickers to me, and a weight hits me in the chest. His eyes look sharp and angry at first, but that seems to change to disappointment along with something else. Sadness, maybe?
What’s going on in his head? Why is he looking at me like that?
“Don’t look at her,” Trey growls, getting in Masen’s face. “What’s the matter? You can’t speak?”
“What’s going on?”
We all turn to see Principal Burrowes standing in the middle of the hallway, her black suit and burgundy blouse crisp and ironed.
Trey stands up straight and backs off Masen. “Nothing, Gillian,” he mocks his stepmom and then looks back to Masen. “We’re cool. Right?”
Masen’s eyes are on the floor, and he doesn’t speak.
“Where are you supposed to be?” Burrowes asks Trey.
But I answer instead. “Foster is sending us to the library to research.”
“Then move.”
I nod, and we all quickly start walking down the hall.
“You, too,” I hear her say behind us, probably to Masen.
Why didn’t he do anything? Not that Trey’s a small guy he could easily take, but I get the impression Masen has been in fights before. He’s volatile and impulsive, so why did he hold back?
We jog up the stairs and enter the library. All of the other students are already here, whispering, moving about, and gathering the materials they need. Some are on the computers, and some are in the stacks. Our library consists of two floors and a nice view into the main level from the balcony up above. I dump my bag on a table toward the back and see Lyla and Masen take seats two tables up.
J.D. and Trey plop down in the seats at our table, and Trey puts his feet up.
Yeah, not happening. “You guys go to the computers and look up ‘Annotated Bibliographies,’” I tell them. “Print off some examples, and I’ll go find some from secondary sources.”
I’m not doing this worksheet on my own.
Trey heaves a sigh, and J.D. laughs to himself, both of them getting back up off their asses.
I twist around and head back to the non-fiction section.
The shelves loom high, and I skirt around a rolling ladder and turn left, diving farther into the back of the library, away from the tables of students and their hushed whispers.
I reach out and graze my hand along the spines of the books as I pass. My mom’s going to wonder why I haven’t even started Fahrenheit 451. Not that I’ll get into trouble, but she’ll wonder what’s been distracting me.
“You know, that kid,” I hear someone say, and I jerk my head to look behind me.
Masen approaches, and my heartbeat picks up pace.
“The one writing on the walls at night?” he continues. “We have something in common. I like to write on things, too.” He stops in front of me and takes my hand. “But you know that, right?”
My skin warms where he touches it, and I try to jerk my hand free, but he holds on tight.
He likes to write on things, too? What? And then I remember the wall at the Cove, my chalk wall in my room, my locker that first day…
I jerk my hand harder, yanking it free. “What? Did you find Trey a bit too big and scary, so you’re going to take your fight to me instead now?”
He gives me a casual grin and snatches my hand again, pulling out a Sharpie from his pocket with his other hand.
“Let go.”
He sticks the marker in his mouth, bites off the cap, and flips the pen around, shoving it back inside the cap. “But I thought you wanted my phone number. For the drive-in, remember?”
He looks down at me with an innocent expression on his face, and I don’t know what he’s doing, but I have to admit I’m kind of afraid to put up a fight this time. Throwing me into a pool when no one’s around isn’t that embarrassing, but I highly doubt he’s going to give a shit that we’re not alone right now if he deems it necessary to put me in my place again. I don’t want his fucking number.
He takes my left index finger and starts writing on the inside of it, while I grind my teeth and glare at him.
“You know, I remember so much of what was in that diary,” he muses as he writes. “I can say whatever I want. I don’t need proof. Not with them.” He jerks his chin, indicating all the students sitting over in the table area that we can’t see.
I pull away again, but he tightens his hold.
“Don’t worry.” He smiles down at my finger as he sketches. The velvety tip tickles my skin. “I have no interest in tormenting you. Not like that anyway. I just have one question.” And then he stops drawing and looks up, peering at me. “Who’s Delilah?”
I freeze and stare at him, forgetting that he’s holding my hand as the hair on my neck stands up.
“What?”
“You had her name doodled all over your notebook,” he tells me. “Who is she? Secret girlfriend? Secret shame?” He drops his eyes and continues writing. “A regret?”
“You read my notebook. You should already know.”
“I didn’t read anything,” he retorts.
I glare at him. He didn’t read it? But…
“I flipped the pages and saw her name on the inside cover,” he explains. “You think I give a shit about what goes on in your mind? I’ve got better things to do.”
Then why are you asking if you don’t care?
I yank my hand away, growling under my breath. “You’re an asshole.”
I keep my voice low, even though I don’t see anyone around.
But before I can walk away, he places his hands on the bookshelves, locking me in. “You know I could’ve taken him and his friend in one breath just now. What was I waiting for?”
He stares into my eyes, searching for something.
“Maybe the same thing that Cortez kid waits for when your boyfriend’s pushing him around,” he says in a low voice, his lips inches from mine. “Maybe for someone in their perky, little ponytail”—he flips my hair—“and come-fuck-me short shorts to grow a dick and stand up to the asshole.”
I knock his arm away, my stomach tight with anger. But he locks me in again, bearing down.
“Was that what Delilah was waiting for, too?” he presses. “Did she wait for you? And you never showed?”
He grabs my hand and turns my finger, showing me what he wrote.
I look down at the thick black letters written on the inside of my finger.
Shame.
“Don’t worry,” he says. “I won’t say anything. Your secrets are yours. You have to live with them.”
And then he lifts my finger to his lips, making the shh sign.
I pull my hand away and slam my hands into his chest, pushing him off.
“The next time he lays a hand on me, I’ll end him,” he warns, curling his lips in a smirk. “And then I’ll take his prom date.”
