I’LL MISS my silver ring, even though I’ve grown to resent it. The ocean will swallow it up, just like all the other tiny things that sink. It will be in good company.
I clench it in my fist as the incoming wave steadily grows. I’ll wait a moment before I toss it in.
There’s something satisfying about the symbol of my purity disappearing into crashing water. Just as the wave starts to break, I yank my arm back.
I freeze.
Why is this so hard? It’s not as if this ring is my actual virginity. How am I going to have sex by the end of the summer if I can’t even toss a piece of metal?
“Livvy,” my sister, Vanessa, says, “Why do you need to get rid of your purity ring? What is that going to solve?”
The apprehension in her voice is an echo of my own inner turmoil. Our parents would be devastated if they found out. This ring was a gift from my dad on my thirteenth birthday. It probably means as much to both of them now as it did eight years ago.
Which is exactly why I need to toss it. It’s creepy how they fixate on the sex life of their adult daughter, and it’s kept me in a box my whole life. I didn’t date. I barely even flirted with anyone. It’s made me live small even as I dreamed big.
I’m done dreaming.
I’m done fantasizing about someday giving this ring to Cole Walker, along with my purity. For years, I’ve imagined the day I’d slip off my white dress and give my beautiful best friend all my firsts.
It’s time to let it go. He’ll never be my husband.
He doesn’t love me that way, and he never will.
Cole’s moving home from college today. He might be driving into town at this very moment, and we’ll be closer than we’ve been in four years.
And I’ll be in danger of making him my entire world, just like I did in high school. I was willing to give him anything he needed in the moment he needed it. If he wanted to see me, I’d drop all of my plans. I would have done anything for him, because I loved him so much.
It’s time to start living for myself.
“Do it!” Mariana shouts, pulling me out of my head. “Make that ring your bitch!”
I snort. Thank God for Mari. I wouldn’t be where I am right now if not for her example. She showed me I can pull away from purity culture and still be a good person. She doesn’t even believe in God anymore, yet she’s still the same Mariana.
At the sight of an incoming wave, I brace myself, taking a deep breath and lifting my fist. The wave crests and crashes before streaming past my bare feet, sending a chill up my spine.
I can’t do it.
Instead, I turn around. Vanessa’s posture relaxes a little, and Mariana lifts both brows. “I hope this doesn’t mean you’re still planning to save yourself for marriage.”
I shake my head sharply. “I’m done with all of that bullshit. Jesus isn’t going to stop loving me if I lose my virginity.”
Mari claps her hands. “Yes!”
My younger sister’s brows pull together, and I look away. I knew she would have a hard time with this, but I’m not going to hide it from her. We’ve always been each other’s confidants, and I’m not letting that change just because my faith has evolved.
Both of them watch me, as if they both know what I’m about to say is monumental.
“I’m losing my virginity by the end of the summer,” I say.
Mariana shrieks, and Vanessa’s gaze falls to the sand, probably to hide her dismay, and it sends a pang to my chest.
“I even have a deadline.” I reach into the bag at my hip and pull out the tin box. Inside is my purity contract, a letter to my future husband, and every prayer journal I’ve kept since I met Cole five years ago. I pull out my current journal, flip to the last page, and read aloud what I wrote there. “September seventeenth,” I say. “UC Santa Barbara’s fall quarter starts on the eighteenth, and I refuse to start my senior year of college still a virgin. And it’s not just that. There are all kinds of other things I plan to do. All the things I’ve been too afraid to do. Things I used to think were wrong. I’m going to start going on dates. I’m going to get drunk and go to the bars and make out with random guys.”
“Yes!” Mari shouts. “I’m loving this.”
“Why?” Vanessa asks. Her tone is gentle, but my heart still clenches at the bewilderment in her eyes.
“Because I’m living an incredibly passive life, and that has to stop, because it’s not really living.”
“And getting drunk and making out with random guys is really living?”
I stare at her for a moment. “You know that none of this is a condemnation of how you live your life, right?
Her mouth tightens. “I mean, I guess so, but why are you doing these things? You’ve never had any interest in partying. Why do you think doing it now is going to make you happy?”
“It’s not that I’ve never been interest in partying. I was just afraid. I thought it was all sinful.”
“Is it a coincidence that you decided this today,” Mari asks, “when a certain person is moving back?”
Goodness, she knows me so well. “No,” I say, “I’ve been having anxiety for a while about what things will be like when he’s back in town. Mari, I’ve spent more time with him over the last few years than I have with you, and he’s been living an hour and a half away.”
Mari snorts. “That’s more Cole’s doing than yours. I’m telling you, he’s in love with you. When you tell him about all this, he’s going to confess that. Mark my words.”
“I think so too,” Vanessa says.
I shake my head sharply. “He needs me emotionally, but he doesn’t want me sexually. That’s not the kind of love I want. I want someone who can’t keep his hands off me.”
“I bet he wouldn’t be able to keep his hands off you if he knew you want him.” Mari brushes a flyaway strand of dark hair from her face. “In fact, I think you’re the reason he’s such a fuck-boy. He had to get sex somewhere since he couldn’t get it from you.”
“No.” I shake my head again. “I can’t fantasize about that possibility anymore. I can’t wait for him to want me. It’s toxic. And it’s part of the reason I’ve lived so small.”
A wicked smile spreads across Mari’s face. “He’s going to absolutely lose his shit when he finds out you’re planning on losing your virginity.”
I take a deep breath. “I was actually thinking of…asking him to do it for me. Take my virginity, I mean.”
Their eyes grow huge, and a wash of hot, tingling shame spreads from my scalp to the tips of my fingers. “I know it sounds crazy since I’m also trying to get over him, but the thing is… I’m so scared to do this, and he’s the only person I can think of who would make me feel totally safe.”
“Oh my God!” Mariana shouts. “Does this mean you’re going to tell him how you feel?”
“Goodness, no!” I shake my head frantically, the thought alone making my throat grow tight. “No way. That would be so humiliating, and it’s already going to be hard enough to ask him for this.”
Mari smiles cheekily. “Maybe once you tell him you want to have sex, he won’t be able to keep his hands off you, just like you’ve always wanted.”
I turn away and look at the water, not wanting her to see how that statement makes hope flutter in my heart. Despite all my efforts to change, I can’t seem to squash this wretched hope. Maybe things will change. Maybe he’s not attracted to me now because he’s never considered me. Maybe he’ll find out that he’s attracted to me after he touches me.
No. I can’t let delusional thoughts like that sway my decision.
“Maybe,” I say. “But I’m not going to let his reaction get in the way of my plans. It’s time to start living. I’m going to ask Cole at his graduation party. If he says no, I’ll have to find someone else.
Maybe even Zac—”
Mari burst into laughter. “You are living in a fantasy world if you think Cole will ever let that happen.” She turns to Vanessa. “In high school, he—no exaggeration—shoved Zac against a wall for patting Livvy’s ass. It was an accidental pat, too. I’m pretty sure he was aiming for her lower back.
Even innocent high school Livvy wasn’t the least bit creeped out by it, but Cole completely lost his mind. He got written up for it.”
Vanessa smiles at me. “He’s so protective of you. It’s really cute.”
“It was cute in high school,” I say. “I don’t find it cute anymore.” Not after years of nothing coming from it. “He’s going to have to start keeping his protectiveness in check, because I’m doing this. No matter what. Come on—” I plop down on the soft sand and gesture for them to sit down with me. “I want you to help me come up with things to do. I’m calling it my impurity contract.”
“Oh my God,” Mari exclaims. “I absolutely love it. Please sign it Olivia Grace Gallo, like you did on your purity contract.”
I nod. “I’ll make them look as similar as possible.”
When Vanessa averts her eyes, something tugs inside of me. Poor thing. She thinks I’m mocking everything she still believes in.
I reach out, grab her hand, and give it a tight squeeze. “Ness, this isn’t a critique of our whole religion. Just purity culture. I still love Jesus more than anything.”
“I know,” she says, but she doesn’t sound quite convinced.
I pick up a pen and press it to the top of the page. “Obviously, the first thing I need to do is have my first kiss.”
Mari nods. “If you plan on getting drunk, you could knock out two birds with one stone. It’s much easier to kiss someone when you’re drunk.”
I nod slowly. “I think I want to get high too. I always thought if I smoked weed, it would lead to a life of drugs.”
“I used to think that too,” Mari says. “And I almost lost my mind with paranoia the first time I got high.”
Vanessa grimaces. “That doesn’t sound fun.”
“This isn’t about fun,” I say. “It’s about facing my fears.”
Vanessa lowers her gaze to the sand.
“I think you need to add dressing slutty to your contract,” Mari says. “Your body shame is probably one of the most toxic things you inherited from purity culture. Especially your hang-up with your boobs. I would kill for your double Ds, and you treat them like they’re disgusting.”
Just the thought of my chest exposed makes a hot, prickling shame creep over my body, which is exactly why I need to listen to Mari’s suggestion.
I nod. “I’ll add that.”
Five items in total. Now for the final one. The big one. As I start writing down “lose my virginity”, I’m halted by my sister’s voice.
“I think you should add telling Cole how you feel to your list.”
I grow utterly still, and heat creeps along my neck.
Goodness, just thinking about it makes my stomach churn. What if he says he doesn’t love me back, that he never could?
I don’t think I could bear it.
A strong, assertive woman would tell him how she feels, but I’m not there yet. “I’ll think about,” I say, “but I think this is good for now.” I lift up the list.
1. First kiss
2. Get drunk
3. Smoke weed
4. Dress slutty
5. Have a drunken make-out
6. Lose my virginity
“I don’t have to do them in order, but they all need to be done by September seventeenth, which means if Cole says no, I’ll have some work to do, because I’m determined to get this done—”
My phone chimes, and I reach into my pocket. A smile tugs at my lips when I see the name on my screen. “Speak of the devil.”
“Cole?” Mari asks.
“Yep,” I say as I glance at the text.
Cole: I just finished unpacking, and I’m dying to see you. Do you have time to hang out before the party? Just let me know where you are, and I’ll come to you.
Mari glances at my phone and snorts. “Anyone who reads that text would think he’s your boyfriend.”
My lips tighten. “That’s part of the problem. I’m too available for him. I have to start asserting myself more. I was planning on taking my time to get ready so I look really pretty at the party. If I hang out with him now, I won’t have time.”
I look down at my phone, debating what to text back. My gut instinct is to be overly apologetic, to tell him I’m so sorry I don’t have time but promise to be extra early to the party so that we can see each other then.
But I need to start changing the old patterns.
Me: I’m hanging out with Mari and Vanessa, so I won’t be able to see you until the party. I have some HUGE news I have to share with you 🙂
I reread the text and then hit send.
Jesus, help me. There’s no going back now.
