10th January
London
NEIL and Elaina wouldn’t take no for an answer. They had me over to their place for dinner, or came to our place every night since Ethan was away. I knew he’d arranged for them to babysit me, and I guess it made sense since they were just across the hall. Good thing I loved them both so much.
But they were newlyweds, and needed their private time together, I argued. Neil and Elaina were trying to make a baby of their own, and hanging out with me wasn’t doing them much good in that department. When I said so, they both laughed at me and made cryptic comments that had me wondering if they’d already managed it and just weren’t announcing the news yet. I hoped so. The two of them were so perfect together, and in getting to know them both so well, I’d learned how they’d been a part of each other’s lives since they were kids. The two of them were fated to be together from the very beginning. It made me so happy knowing true love had won out for them.
Ethan’s directive annoyed me, but at the same time, was so very typical of him. So protective, and caring…and cautious. I wondered how he was doing on the job with Prince Christian in the Swiss Alps. He’d dreaded to go as much as I hated him leaving. We hadn’t had time to work through our hiccup, and it was the worst feeling for me.
I missed my man dreadfully, and needed him back home. I wanted to unburden everything to him about what Lance had told me. And I hoped to hear whatever Ethan was willing to share with me, to get us back to where we’d been before that hideous night we fought over things that just weren’t worth hurting the one you love. Not to me. And, I know, not to him, either.
CHICKEN tacos with avocado and corn salsa, was my new pregnant comfort food. I tried to get Neil and Elaina to abandon their dinner plans with me by having it twice in one week, but they weren’t buying it, saying they loved my version of Mexican food. Bless their sweet Brit hearts. Because the British rendition of Mexican sucked, in my opinion. Maybe if my career in art conservation failed, I could do street-tacos and make a killing. I laughed inwardly at the idea of Ethan ever allowing me to entertain such a thing. I could set up next to Muriel’s newsstand on the street by Blackstone Security, and he could come down and have his lunch.
Neil loved cooking, so he was the one helping me in the kitchen. Elaina was off in the nursery working on the mural I’d planned out with her help. It was just a tree with birds and butterflies right now. Color and theme still to be determined, once we knew boy or girl…Thomas or Laurel.
“Do you know this was the very first meal I ever made for Ethan?” I popped a chunk of avocado in my mouth and savored it. “He brought along some Dos Equis, and ended up getting hooked on the Mexican beer and the Mexican food,” I said.
“I know,” Neil answered with a chuckle, as he added some spices to the sizzling chicken. “He talked about you all the time. Said you were a brilliant cook, and to give the Dos Equis a try with a sliver of lime.”
“Did he?”
“Yeah. I knew he was done-for at that point. Not because of the Mexican food, mind you, but because of the beer. He left off with the Guinness practically overnight,” he said with a snap of his fingers and a sorry shake of his head.
“That would be Ethan for you. He makes a decision about something, and that’s that.” I sighed pitifully, thinking about our unresolved “problems.”
Neil stopped chopping tomatoes and looked up at me. “He’ll be home soon, Brynne. There’s nowhere he wants to be but right here with you.”
“I know, but he left when things…weren’t right between us. Do you know why, Neil?” I asked, realizing it was entirely probable he did know.
He nodded. “Yeah. I saw the photos of you and Oakley at the coffee shop. Publicity Tweets is all that was to be expected really.”
“I didn’t think about that part. It was just something I had to do, and when Ethan gets home I will explain everything, but it just wasn’t the time for me right then, you know?”
Neil’s dark brown eyes were very warm and understanding. “The two of you will work through it, Brynne. I know Ethan, and there is nothing he wouldn’t do for you. He’d walk through fire to get back with you.”
I stifled a sob and worked on the corn salsa. “Neil, what’s the deal with Sarah Hastings? When Ethan saw her again at your wedding, he was really affected by her presence, and not in a good way. He told me some of what happened to her husband, Mike, and how horrible his death was to witness. I understand that part of his trauma…and at the same time, I cannot imagine how devastating it is for him to remember when he has a flashback.”
“Sarah? She’s all right, and I can only guess that she has something to do with his therapy, but he hasn’t said—and I won’t ask.”
“I understand,” I said bleakly, realizing that I would just have to be patient with him, and wait until the time came when Ethan could tell me what role Sarah played in his emotional health. “Ethan told you about his therapy sessions with Dr. Wilson at the Combat Stress Centre?”
“He did, Brynne, and I am so glad he’s finally getting something in the way of support. I know it’s only because of you that he’s been able to get himself over there.”
“What happened to him was so horrible…” I trailed off, unable to even express my feelings about what Ethan had endured.
Neil stopped with the food prep altogether. “It was bad, Brynne, really bloody bad.”
“I know he feels guilt, he told me he does, but why does he? Being captured and tortured was not his fault.”
Neil hung his head and closed his eyes for just a moment. He paused with his head down over the kitchen counter for a long time. I figured he wouldn’t tell me anything, or couldn’t tell me because of strict rules within the British Army. But finally, he picked up his knife and returned to chopping vegetables, and then he started talking.
“I don’t know everything, but I know enough to puzzle it together. E’s shared what he could with me, and the rest I know because I heard the comms when they came through—the communications between base and squad when they’re out in the field. I commanded my own team, as did Ethan. I wasn’t there, just E and his men were. There were five troops, and Mike Hastings was one of them. None of them returned alive. Mike survived the ambush along with Ethan…and you know what happened there. E went through debriefing once he was returned, and he said on the day they planned to execute him, the building where he was being held was bombed into a pile of rubble. Nobody knows how E walked out of there alive. Not even he knows. He said he had no explanation of how or why he wasn’t crushed to bits in the blast. It was something truly miraculous.”
I held my breath as Neil explained the “why” for so many of my questions. Things Ethan just couldn’t talk about. I now understood why, and it just shredded my heart for him, and what he had to suffer. “No wonder he has angel wings on his back,” I whispered.
“Yeah.” Neil gave the chicken another stir and told me the rest. “Mike’s torture and execution was brutal, and I know Ethan feels tremendous loss and guilt. He believes because it was his call as commander, that he put them all into danger, and as a result of his decision, five young men lost their lives.”
“But it was war. How can what happened be his fault?” I ached for Ethan even worse than before, and wanted nothing more than to have my arms around him, and his chest, with its fiercely brave and beautiful heart, beating up against mine.
“War is fucked no matter how you look at it. What happened to their team was indescribable really. They were lured in by a dead mother with her throat slit in the middle of the road, and with her hysterically crying son clinging to her body. He was no more than three years old. Hours of this went on and the comms kept coming in. Ethan wanted to go in and get the boy. And after many hours of haggling back and forth, he was finally given the go-ahead. But it was all a trap. The Taliban used a woman and child as decoys to take out a whole squad of elite soldiers—sympathetic Westerners, who would never conceive of such treatment to anyone or anything. It worked. Ethan went in, grabbed the boy, but he was shot and killed just seconds later, while still in E’s arms. A firefight ensued and at the end of it, two innocent civilians were slaughtered, four of our own were dead, and Mike and E were captives.”
“Oh, my God…”
I didn’t even have words for Neil. What could I even say to him? Were there even words to be said? No…no words could make that story feel any better, no matter how many years passed. I rubbed my belly and thought of Ethan, and how much I loved him. He was so much more than I ever could have known when we first met. He was a true hero in every sense of the word, who had served honorably and suffered because of that service.
“Thank you for telling me, Neil, it h-helps me to…know.”
And it really did help me, but knowing the truth was horrifying, too. I felt sick, and knew I couldn’t eat the food I’d just been preparing with Neil. How did any of them eat anything ever again, when faced with the memories of wartime experiences I’d just heard? I knew how Ethan’s mind worked, and I could honestly see him feeling the burden of terrible guilt over all of the deaths…how he suffered when he relived the events in dreams.
“I just love him so much. I’d do anything to be able to help him,” I said finally.
“But you do, Brynne. Your love has helped him already, more than any other thing.”
WHEN I was awakened early the next morning from a sound sleep in my lonely bed, I was startled. When I realized Elaina had let herself into the flat to wake me, I knew something bad had happened. When I caught a glimpse of Neil hovering in the doorway, I started crying and gripped my chest. When I heard words saying that something had happened to Ethan, I screamed.
I screamed at them both and begged them not to tell me.
Switzerland
NEON green burned into my eyes. What the fuckin’ hell? I tried to push whatever it was out of my face, but it wouldn’t budge.
“Ethan…oh, fuck, man. It just took us some time to find you.”
“What?” I tried to focus, but the sun was shining down, and the light too fucking bright. All I could see was glare and flaming electric green—the colour reminded me of Christian’s jacket as he swept down the mountain ahead of me, right before the—
“Is that you, Christian? You’re all right,” I babbled, “that’s good.” I was so relieved he’d survived I could’ve kissed the little shit, if I could even feel my face. The King still had his heir. Thank fuck. “Tell me, I want to know…did the other lads make it?”
“Yes! We made it, and you did too, Ethan.”
Had I? Didn’t feel like it at all. “But I’m up here on this mountain, and I can’t walk—my leg is fucked up.” I was glad Christian and the boys were okay, but I didn’t see how I would get out of this mess intact, especially if it didn’t happen soon. I was in very poor shape, and I knew it. I couldn’t really see Christian’s face, everything was blurry, and I was tired…so tired.
“I know,” he said, before setting something hard against my lips. “Drink this. It’ll help you.”
I sucked in some liquid but couldn’t tell what it was. I couldn’t feel much, only exhaustion. Then I remembered what I needed to do. More important than anything. I pushed the drink away. “But…do you have a mobile on you, Christian? Mine’s been lost. I have to tell…my wife—I need to give her—a message—”
“Hang on, Ethan, they’re coming to get you. You’re gonna be okay, man.”
“No—I need to call Brynne. Now!” I desperately needed to make him understand.
“There’s no cellular. It won’t go to her.”
“That’s okay…it’ll send once you get in range of service. Voice text—will—work…” I tried to reach for him to make him understand. “Help me, please.”
“Okay, Ethan, okay. What’s her number?”
I said the numbers carefully because I didn’t want to make a mistake. This was so important, and I couldn’t fuck this up. “Now, set it for voice…and let me talk.”
Christian put the thing in my hand, which was hard to grip through the gloves, but he helped me to hold it and told me when to start speaking.
“Brynne, baby…I don’t want you to be scared or sad, okay? I love you, and I’m happy right now. Very, very happy…because I got to be with you…and love you. I’ll still be here, just loving you from another place, and our little Laurel-Thomas, too.” I struggled to keep it together to finish my message, but it was so hard saying goodbye. How was it even possible I had to do such a thing? But yet, I needed to tell her. Nothing was going to stop me. “…you made me real, my beauty, and I love you for that, and I always will…until the end of time.”
There. I’d managed it. She would hear from me one last time, and know…my truth.
Now, I could close my eyes and go to sleep. So desperately tired…
I floated for a time, peacefully drifting…somewhere, I don’t know where. An idea came to me and I remembered about my mum. I’d get to see her again, and that was a very nice thought. I felt unusually free and weightless, as if I were being held up by…something light.
Wings?
But that’s exactly what it felt like—wings holding me up, cradling my back. Silky feathers in two flowing arcs. Soft, but so powerfully strong. I realized what they belonged to after a while. They were angel wings.
I was being held by an angel.
12th January
London
COME back to me…
I’m right here, Ethan. Always. You just have to come back to me when you’re ready. I’ll be here waiting for you with Laurel-Thomas. We need you. I need you in order to do this. I just need you, and I won’t ever let you go. I never will.
I stayed with my man at his hospital bedside. Come back to me, baby. Same hospital we’d come to visit Lance. I was so grateful, though. He was here with me now, and I could touch him, and see him, and the doctors could help him. Neil pulled some major strings with someone and arranged for Ethan to be airlifted to London. Ivan helped, too. I don’t know what I would have done without those two. They knew people who could get things done. If Ethan were stuck in Switzerland right now, where I couldn’t go to him, I’d need to be strapped down.
I think Jonathan and Marie were about to commandeer me home but I wasn’t going anywhere. They’d finally gone to get food and said they’d be back later. They could fuss and try their strong-arm tactics all they wanted with me, but it wouldn’t do any good. I knew where I needed to be. I won’t leave you, my darling. I’m going to be here when you wake up.
Even so, I couldn’t do much of anything for him. The hospital had everything covered. Stitches to close the gash beside his right eye, at the top of his cheekbone. He would have a scar there now. Surgery to repair his left leg. Tibia and fibula both blown out, but they were fixed now, and would heal faster because of the pins they’d put into his bones. My man was just “sleeping” right now. He needed the deep rest so his body could regenerate.
So I sat there beside him, and called him back to me. I got the message you left for me on Christian’s phone. He was very sweet, and very worried about you. He called and talked to me because he didn’t want me to be scared by the text message you sent from his phone. He told me what happened, how they wanted to take a backcountry run, and how you told them what to do if they got in trouble up there. He said they all did what you’d instructed them to do, and because of it, they were all okay. He feels terrible you were the one who got hurt—
I felt a heavy hand come to rest on my shoulder. “They had blackberry flavor. I hope that’s all right.” Ivan pushed the cup of hot tea toward my hand. “Oh, and I got this for you, too.” He held out a protein bar. “Eat it, please.”
Slowly, I raised my eyes in shock. His words—the gesture, was nearly identical. I looked at Ivan where he stood frowning at me. Tall and green-eyed, with longer hair—just as handsome as his cousin, but different. Ivan bore a slightly more refined look, where Ethan was blessed with a harshness that made him appear a bit more rugged. But the genetics they shared? As clearly visible as water in a glass. They were of the same blood, and of the same mind.
Ivan’s offering of the protein bar brought back vivid memories of that first night, when Ethan drove me home from Benny’s show—all in a split-second. I could smell the scent of him and feel the warmth of the Rover’s heated seats. I could see him perfectly in my mind, the way he’d set that protein bar on my knee and waited for me to eat it before he would move the car. The “don’t-fuck-with-me” attitude. And the heavy dose of persuasive dominance I couldn’t deny. Come back to me, Ethan…
“Okay.” I nodded, and felt my eyes fill, struggling to keep it together, wanting to be strong for Ethan.
“Good girl,” he said softly, pulling up beside me in a chair. “He’d have a tantrum if he thought you weren’t taking care.”
“I know,” I said pitifully, taking a bite and chewing. It tasted like sawdust but I ate it anyway, and sipped the tea. My butterfly angel needed food even if I didn’t want any.
“Thank you, Brynne,” he said with a gentle smile. This was a different side of Ivan I was seeing at Ethan’s bedside. Ivan Everley was a devastating combination of charmingly sexy mixed with witty cynicism, but not right now. It was blatantly obvious he was worried about Ethan, too. They behaved more like brothers than cousins, I thought, and I always had felt that from the two of them. They were brothers in their heart, where it mattered.
“The first night I met Ethan he bought me a protein bar and made me eat it,” I told him.
I felt the tears spill out and down my cheeks and tried to wipe them away with the back of my hand.
Ivan put his arm around me and pulled me in against his side. “He loves you so much. I know he’s fighting his way back. I know him. I know how his mind works. E’s fighting his way back to you right now, Brynne.”
I nodded my agreement. I couldn’t speak, all I could do was believe. Ivan’s words were my lifeline to Ethan right now, and I couldn’t allow any other thoughts or doubts to creep in.
So, we sat there together, and gave him some more time to come back to us.
FINALLY. I smelled her again. Her scent was in my nose, and I breathed it in. A lungful of Brynne. But how could that be? I’d said goodbye to her up on that mountain. I felt different, though.
Vastly different.
I could now feel my body. My hands, my toes, my head. Does that mean…I’ve made it? Oh, fuckin’ fuck yes! I felt euphoria. I was alive…and Brynne was close by. It was so good…whatever was being done to me. The massaging of fingers through my hair, over and over again. Fingers I knew well. Belonging to a hand I’d felt, and held, and kissed. The hand slowly rubbed my scalp. Her hand—Brynne’s hand touched me, and that was the most wonderful perfect fucking thing. I wanted to tell her how much I loved her, and that I was going to be fine, but I couldn’t speak yet. All I could do was breathe her in, and savour the feel of her touching me. Somehow, by some miraculous intervention, I’d survived. I remembered the angel wings holding me when I was floating between life and death. It very much reminded me of another time when it had happened to me.
Thank you, Mum. Again.
I knew complete and total relief, and knew I could stop struggling now…and just sleep a little more, with my girl right beside me.
LITTLE kicks and nudges rumbled against my hand. I loved it. Always made me smile. I knew exactly what I was feeling. Laurel-Thomas was talking to Daddy. You’ve gotten stronger, little one. I rubbed my hand over the baby, trying to imagine which body part was which. Was that a little bum or the crown of a head? More kicks pummeled my palm, and made me laugh. It was the best damn feeling in the whole fucking world. Like a blessing—a gift I didn’t expect—perfectly beautiful.
“Ethan laughed. Did you hear him, Ivan? He’s laughing at the baby kicking.” I knew that voice. That was my Brynne talking to Ivan.
I opened my eyes.
“It worked,” she said in a whisper. “You came back to me.”
Brynne’s face was a mess of tears and worry. She looked exhausted with dark circles under her eyes and her hair all mussed. Her eyes were glassy from crying. But the sight of her against me so close, was the most beautiful sight my pitiful eyes had ever beheld in the whole of my life.
“Brynne…baby—” I smiled, and stared at every inch of her face, soaking in the sight of her for a moment. “—I dreamed of you up on that mountain—to help me to get warm…and find a safe place to go. I just dreamed you, and knew things would be good, and I was happy, not afraid.”
“Oh, Ethan, Ethan, Ethan…” she sobbed, burrowing into my chest and rocking her forehead back and forth. I took stock of where we were and figured it was a hospital bed, and both of us were lying on our sides, facing each other. My girl had crawled up into my hospital bed with me, apparently, so I could smell her. She’d even gone a step further by putting my hand on her belly so I could feel Laurel-Thomas kicking madly away from the inside. Both of them had called me back.
I looked over at my cousin and caught the words, welcome back, mouthed at me.
Thanks, I mouthed in return, grateful to him for helping Brynne while I was out of it. Then he grinned at me, and slipped out the door, jogging his hand to his ear in the universal “ring me” gesture.
“I love you so much,” I whispered, trying to keep my own emotions in check. I brought my hand up to her chin and forced her face up to meet mine. I needed to look into her eyes first. Then, once I’d drowned myself in all their multicoloured glory, I would need to kiss her for a long, long time.
I think she was in a bit of shock because she just kept saying the same thing over and over again.
“You came back to me.”
“I did, my beauty, because you brought me back. You did it…and an angel helped me, too.”
15th January
ETHAN was so very quiet on the ride home from the hospital. We sat in the back seat together while Len drove. He held my hand tightly, gripping so hard it actually felt uncomfortable, but I wasn’t willing to pull away from him. Ethan needed to touch me, even if it was just by our hands.
His dad had called me and asked about having dinner to celebrate his homecoming, but I made an excuse to postpone for the following week. Ethan wasn’t up for socializing, and quite frankly, I wasn’t either. His accident had made me paranoid, and if I allowed myself to think about how close he’d come to dying, I was likely to have a panic attack. I knew that wouldn’t be good for the baby, so I refused the frightening thought’s entrance into my mind. For now, I just wanted him near me, where I could take care of him, and he could heal.
Ethan walked into the flat by himself using the crutches, but on his own power. I closed and locked the door behind him, and followed him into the main room.
He stopped in the middle and just stood there, his eyes on me, a brutal rawness in his expression now that we were alone together.
“Come here,” he said in harsh whisper.
I went to my Ethan.
I was swept into his arms immediately, seized so tightly against his body, I gasped in surprise. His crutches crashed to the floor with a bang when he let go of them to hold onto me. Ethan’s desperation to bring me close, ruled the moment, and I understood why. My man had been traumatized, yet again, by the imminent threat of death. He’d been certain he would die up on the mountain, without ever getting a chance to see me again, or to meet our baby, or tell us he loved us, or say goodbye properly. Memories of me had been his comfort to help him through the experience, and then when he didn’t die, he was thrust back into reality and forced to process that he’d survived. A total and complete mindfuck for him.
“Ethan. I’m here, baby. Let me help you.”
“I need—I need to be with you,” he rasped into my neck, his beard prickling my skin as he pressed in deep.
I pulled back, forcing him to look at me, and focus on my words. “Let’s go to our bed, and forget about everything else for the moment. Just you and me together.” A look of pain spread across his face. “And then, later, we can talk about the things that we needed to say to each other before you left for Switzerland. But right now, the two of us need to be close, and feel that for a while.”
He closed his eyes for a second and then opened them again, a look of total relief in his eyes. “Yes…please.” He looked down at the floor where his crutches lay sprawled. I bent to retrieve them, and handed them to him one at a time. His hardened, wounded expression softened as he took the crutches. “I wish I could tell you how much I love you…but there aren’t enough words to fucking express it.”
“I know.”
He followed me into our bedroom and sat down on the side of the bed. This time, arranging his crutches where he’d be able to reach them when he wanted to get up again. I came to stand between his legs and felt his hands come up immediately to draw me closer. His face buried just below my breasts, his hands cupped my backside, and his nose inhaled my natural scent.
Ethan was desperately trying to crawl back into me.
I knew what he really needed was a hard and wild fuck from me, but I also knew, just as he did, that I couldn’t give it to him any more than he was capable of giving it to me. We would have to figure out another way.
I stepped back until I was just out of reach, but still close.
I kicked off my flats and kept my eyes on him.
“I want you to remember the first time I was here in this bed with you—the first time we were together.”
I unbuttoned my back cardigan and let it fall to the floor. His eyes followed to where I’d dropped it, and then lifted back up to meet mine. “I remember,” he said.
“Then let’s go back to that time together,” I told him. “We were careful with each other because we were unsure about what the other person might want, or need.”
His blue eyes darkened. “I could hardly believe you agreed to come home with me. I was dying for you that night, Brynne. I’d never wanted anyone as much as I wanted you.”
I swallowed deeply and moved back between his legs. I reached for the hem of his shirt and pulled it up over his head.
He did the same with my dark grey dress—just lifted it up and off me when I bent at the waist to help him.
I straightened. “I wanted you just as much that first time, Ethan. Just as much.” I unhooked my bra and let it drop. The almost inaudible sound of it hitting the floor ratcheted up the tension.
His eyes flared as he took in the sight of my much heavier breasts, and he reached out a hand to touch one. He traced the flesh with a fingertip in a wide circle, growing smaller with each rotation until he finished at my nipple.
He flipped his eyes up to mine. “I wanted to please you more than anything. I wanted to make you come, and hear the sounds you made when you did.”
I bent down to the floor and untied his right shoe. He leaned back on his elbows and stretched out his long body, lifting his hips for me so I could slide his sweat pants down his legs and over his cast.
My man looked absolutely gorgeous, splayed out naked with his cock fully erect. I knew what I would be doing first.
I knelt on the floor right at the edge of the bed, between his legs. I asked in a whisper, “And what did I say when you made me come?” I took his rock hard cock in my hand and stroked it from base to tip, standing it straight up off his packed abs.
He sucked in a breath and lowered his eyelids in pleasure, but he answered my question. “Ethan…you said…Ethan.”
I covered the head of his cock with my mouth and slid him to the back of my throat.
SHE gave me everything I needed. I don’t know how she knew what that was precisely, or when I needed it, but Brynne always knew the right thing to do.
After she got me off with her beautiful mouth, I returned the favour, relishing the exquisite feel of my very warm, and very safe place, shuddering beneath my lips, and convulsing around my tongue. I heard her call my name more than a few times before I was done with pleasuring her.
Later, we fell asleep together, spooning on our sides while I was still inside her, and slept that way for hours.
Best sleep of my life—with my precious girl wrapped around me.
I didn’t forget to be thankful.
