7th May, 1837
I visited J. today. I talked to him and shared my news. More than anything I would wish to have his understanding of my regret, but I know it is out of the realm of possibilities until such a time as I meet my maker. Then I may know his feelings on the matter.
What shall be the price of Guilt? Just five letters in a word which buries me with its weight. I live, but yet I do not deserve the gift. I can go through the days, and the motions of daily life, but for what purpose? What good can I bring to those I love, and who would love me in return, if they should know my secret? I did not act with correctness when the ability was within my power to do so. I kept silent because I was afraid to curb the one whom I loved more than any other. My bitter regret now must always be born in an endless silence that has broken the hearts of all those I ever loved.
Today I also gave my agreement to marry a man who says he wants nothing more than to care for me and to allow him to cherish me. He looks into my eyes and touches a part of my soul in a way that terrifies me, yet at the same time draws me in deeper to understand his motivation. I believe he can see into part of my secret. He understands me, because his words cut right to the essence of my problem, leaving me no choice but to give in to his demands.
So I will go to live at Stonewell Court and make my life with him…but I am very afraid of what awaits me. How will I ever rise to the standard of what is expected of me? I am not worthy, and I fear my carefully guarded heart is in great danger of being shattered beyond the ability for it to continue to beat within my breast. Darius Rourke doesn’t yet understand that I do not deserve to be cherished by any man. I am torn, and yet he is persuasively persistent in continuing to assure me all will be well, and to trust in him.
I find myself unable to deny Darius in his wishes for me, just as I was unable to deny my beloved Jonathan…
M G
