If going to college was hard before, it’s now close to impossible.
On Monday, I walk down the hall like a druggie experiencing symptoms of withdrawal. Not only are my fingers twitchy, but I keep watching my back as if expecting a sudden attack.
Okay, that’s an exaggeration.
Or is it?
I honestly don’t know anymore. I spent the whole weekend overthinking until my head nearly exploded. I didn’t find the same level of joy in bingeing on my true crime shows and podcasts.
Instead, I kept replaying what happened two days ago in the haunting darkness of the forest.
The chase. The blowjob. How Sebastian came all over my face.
It should’ve been humiliating, right? But I found myself staring at the mirror, recalling how I looked after he drove me home.
I was a mess, but not in the negative sense—far from it. It’s the most beautifully haunting mess I’ve ever had the chance to witness, to breathe in and feel up close.
Sebastian sent me a text that night. No clue how he got my phone number or even knew my address.
But then again, the Weaver surname could probably get him anything he wants. Including people’s private information.
Sebastian: I’ll dream of my cum on your face, Tsundere.
Then he sent two more on Sunday morning.
Sebastian: Do you want to meet in the forest for a morning run and other things? I miss your mouth already. If you want mine, just ask. *wink emoji*
A few hours later, he sent me a picture of himself, half-naked with droplets of water traveling down his cut abdomen.
He has two small tattoos—two lines of script at the top of his right pectoral muscle. One is in Arabic and the other is in Japanese.
I don’t understand the first, but the second is a saying in Japanese that literally translates to ‘The weak are meat; the strong eat.’ As in, survival of the fittest.
I can’t stop wondering about the reason he got it and if the Arabic words mean the same thing.
I totally didn’t ogle him, though. Okay, that’s a lie. I think I may have been staring at it since he sent it and that’s such a bad idea. Not only is he distracting, but the view has triggered memories of the night at the forest that I haven’t exactly been able to wipe from my head.
He also sent a text attached to the image.
Sebastian: You could be having a shower with me right now, but you’re a coward.
I’m not a coward, I’m just selective about my battles.
And judging by the way he triggered parts of me I didn’t even think existed, it’s safe to say Sebastian isn’t a battle I can take on right now.
Or ever.
Though I’m tempted to.
Really, really tempted and curious and confused.
But I didn’t reply to his texts. I just couldn’t.
So here’s the thing, I’ve always noticed Sebastian, but he’s shattered the image I had of him in my head. I thought he was like the rest of the football players but with some sort of baggage hidden behind his exotic eyes.
Turns out, the baggage is a perversion.
A sexual deviation.
Otherwise, why the hell would he get off on chasing me and coming all over my face afterward?
But instead of being disappointed in him and erasing him from my thinking, I’ve all but magnified him.
For reasons unknown, I’m interested in those parts of him.
In what made him the way he is.
In how he manages to hide it so well.
But most of all, I want to know why I reacted to it the way I did. Because when he took control of my mouth and smeared me with his cum? I burned to touch myself and relieve the ache that throbbed between my legs.
Something brushes against my arm and I jump, then release a breath when Lucy appears by my side. I remove my headphones, letting them hang around my neck. “Oh, it’s you.”
She studies her surroundings and the random students passing by. “Who did you think it would be?”
“No one.”
“I don’t think so. You’re not usually jumpy.”
“I stayed up late.” Which isn’t a lie. “So, traitor, where were you the entire weekend?”
“I told you Reina was having a sleepover at her apartment. Then I went with Mom and Dad to visit Grandma.”
I roll my eyes. “Did Reina make you drink enchanted potions of black magic made of her pubic hair?”
“Ew, no.” Lucy laughs. “It was cool. We talked boys and the squad.”
“Wow. I’m glad I missed the fun.”
“What did you do over the weekend? Besides worshipping serial killers?”
“Haha. Very funny. And that’s exactly what I did.”
She observes me closely as if it’s been ages since she last saw me. “Nothing else?”
“Nope.”
I wish I had the courage to tell her about Sebastian and the dubious things that happened in the forest.
Though we did talk on the phone about the kiss on TV. I called Sebastian a thousand names and cursed him to the darkest pits of hell. Poor Luce had to calm me down and bribe me by giving me her notes for the upcoming exam.
If I tell her that I met the asshole, sucked him off, and let him ejaculate all over my face, she might call me crazy.
Or perverted.
Or abnormal.
Truth is, I’m scared of admitting my feelings concerning everything that happened over the weekend. What if she thinks there’s something wrong with me? In our fucked-up society, men get away with it, but women are always judged for the tiniest perversion, even by other women.
Lucy is generally open-minded, but I’m not sure to what extent when it comes to that small part of sexual fuckery.
And it is a small part. I saw the promise for more in his eyes when he dropped me off that night, and I’m not sure whether I’m excited or terrified.
Maybe both.
Lucy lifts her shoulder. “If you say so.”
“I watched a weird indie movie, though.”
“Oh! What type?”
“Eh, there was a woman who went on a sexual discovery mission.”
She giggles. “Good for her. Maybe you should tag along.”
“Me?”
She taps my arm. “I love you, Nao, but you’re too uptight when it comes to sex.”
“It’s called being cautious.”
“Too cautious maybe.”
“Says the girl who only has sex with the lights off.”
“That’s not a prude thing. I just…don’t want to look at their faces.”
“Yeah, yeah, because you fantasize about Prescott fucking you, not whoever is there.”
She slams her hands over my mouth and searches around us, probably to see if anyone heard. “Shut up. How the hell do you know that?”
I remove her hands, laughing. “Because I’m your best friend, dummy. I know you.”
“I know you, too, and I can tell something has changed.” She narrows her eyes on me. “What is it?”
“The weird movie. It’s stuck with me and I can’t chase it away.”
“Do you have to? If you enjoyed something, it’s allowed to stick with you.”
“I didn’t enjoy it.” My voice is too defensive. “It stuck with me because of the graphic details.”
“Nao, hon, you watch brutal retellings of serial killers’ crimes and you don’t bat an eye, but graphic sex is a trigger?”
Not when it concerns other people, but it might be when I’m the one on the receiving end.
I swiftly divert the conversation to Reina and the cheer squad, and Lucy gladly gets absorbed in the subject as we get to class. For the rest of the day, I avoid the Political Science Department—where the bastard Sebastian studies.
Thankfully, our department, Sociology and Psychological Science, is far enough away that he and I could only run into each other in the cafeteria. So I suggest that Lucy and I have our lunch near a fountain behind the building, where I usually go to escape the witch hunt of the calorie police—aka Brianna and her fat-shaming squad.
But despite my tactical escape, I can’t bail out of cheer practice.
Just when I’m contemplating skipping today, Reina catches me and nearly confiscates my damn headphones again.
When I get to the football field, my senses are assaulted with him. He’s not even close, yet I can feel him.
Lucy is saying something, but I don’t hear a word coming out of her mouth.
My eyes instantly find his light ones. He’s talking to Owen, but his sharp attention is completely on me.
Sebastian is downright beautiful in everyday clothes, but he looks like a god in his football uniform with those two streaks of black underneath his eyes.
He winks and it’s like I’ve been hit with a thunderbolt. I immediately cut off eye contact and hurry to the cheer squad.
Now he must think I’m into him or something.
Way to go, Nao.
I’m restless during the entire practice, waiting for it to end with bated breath so that I can retreat and rebuild my walls.
I barely manage to keep from looking at him, even though I feel his attention on me the entire time.
When Reina calls it a day, I practically flee from the field.
I spend more time than needed in the shower until almost everyone leaves.
When I come out, Reina and Prescott are talking to the coach in the office adjacent to the locker room. Their voices are clear, but not their words.
Hopefully, they’ll leave before I’m done. I’m not in the mood for jabs today. Or any type of talk, actually.
My sense of self has taken a jab and I need to carefully nurture that part of me back to life.
I’m sliding my panties up my legs when the door opens.
Letting the towel fall, I speak without turning around. “Give me a minute. I’ll be right out, Luce.”
The voice that answers me is completely different from my friend’s.
My spine jerks upright when it echoes around me. “Take all the minutes you need. I’ll be right here.”
