There are certain things I want to forget about my life. The first is what it felt like to walk with two normal legs. The second is the feeling of adrenaline pumping through my veins as I raced in a Prix. And the third is the way Chloe kissed me like she needed to resuscitate the damaged part of my heart I thought was long gone.
The third memory is the one that keeps troubling me no matter how busy I get taking care of Marko. It assaults me at the most inconvenient times. And it’s not like my nephew helps with my cause of trying to move past the kiss. He doesn’t stop talking about Chloe as he protects his castle, claiming he needs to wait for his princess.
It seems like she not only has my nephew enraptured but me as well. The woman is an enigma. Everything from the way lies flow past her lips about our “relationship” to how she shatters the preconceived notion I had about her finding me repulsive.
It’s not even the way she kissed me that has my brain going haywire. More like it’s everything that kiss meant to her and what she wanted to prove. Chloe challenged me and my idea of her being disgusted by me and my impairment. She took a gamble, and it worked. It worked so damn well, I respect her more because of it. In fact, I wish I could ask if she wants to repeat it under a different circumstance without my nephew nearby. But like the idiot I’ve been around Chloe, I realize I never got her number.
Instead of allowing disappointment to settle in my gut, I take the issue for what it is. A sign to not pursue her. Fate has a way of intervening in my life without my consent, and it’s about damn time I listened.
“Where’s my Monkey?” Maya calls out through the FaceTime call.
Marko giggles behind the couch.
Noah smiles into the camera. “I don’t know. I hear something that sounds like Marko, but maybe it’s someone else. Santiago, did you lose Marko?”
I shrug. “I don’t know. The tickle dragon might’ve eaten him.”
Marko’s giggles stop. He jumps up from behind the couch. “Boo!”
Maya gasps and Noah hoots for Marko like he achieved the biggest award.
“What did you do today, Monkey?” Maya asks.
Marko rambles on, explaining how we worked on a car together.
“And have you spent time with Chloe?” Maya bursts with excitement.
“No.” Marko frowns.
Little shit. I thought we were in this together.
Noah looks at me. “I thought she planned on helping you? Trouble in paradise?” Noah’s mocking voice matches his smirk.
I take his smugness without complaint because he doesn’t need any more of my shit. “She has been dealing with some personal stuff.”
“Marko, go get your race car. I can’t remember if it’s red or blue, and I want to see which one I need to buy you next,” Noah orders.
“Silly, Daddy. Red like yours!”
“But I want to see it too!” Maya does a great job feeding Marko’s excitement.
He runs toward his room.
“Is she okay? It’s not that Ralph guy, is it?” Noah’s eyes darken.
I shake my head. “No. She just had something unexpected come up at work.” The lies come out easier the more I pretend Chloe is actually my girlfriend. “You know…not everyone has a job that entails traveling around the world.”
Noah takes advantage of my slip-up. “You could have one too if you reviewed the emails I sent you. You’d be able to race—”
My answer will always be the same. “No.”
“But the Formula Corp will agree to hear your case if you just try. There’s nothing stopping you anymore.” Noah’s brows pinch together.
I gesture to the biggest obstacle between me and racing again. “Really? Please explain how that’s possible because last time I checked, I didn’t grow another leg.”
Noah’s jaw ticks. “The new proposal addresses that. You’d see that if you read it.”
No one has tried and succeeded in coming back to the F1 grid with a disability. Getting burned or breaking a major bone might stop a racer for a handful of races or a whole season. But no one bothers to return after something like what happened to me. Too many obstacles. Too many adjustments. Too many people doubting my ability to achieve anything close to what I did in the past. Hence, my stance on the matter.
“You promised you’d stop trying.” I look away.
“And you promised to return back once you got a handle on your situation.”
I shouldn’t have done that. Noah mistook my hopefulness during the first few months of my recovery as everything but what it actually was: Denial.
“Yeah, well, I lied.”
“Then, so did I. I’m not going to stop trying.” Noah crosses his arms.
Maya’s gaze flickers between her husband and the camera. “Noah… just give him time to think about it. The proposal isn’t going anywhere, and neither is Santi.”
“Yeah, well, if he continues to wait, his best years will fade away before he gives himself a real chance. And that’s not only stupid, but selfish.”
“Selfish? Please enlighten me on how I’m being selfish,” I snap.
“Because, rather than choosing to be a role model for other people in similar situations as you, you’ve become a public example of what happens when you let life break you. And as your brother-in-law and best friend, I simply can’t accept that. If our roles were reversed, you wouldn’t let me do half the shit we let you get away with, so I don’t understand how you expect me to. I can deal with you avoiding the media and wanting a fresh start somewhere new where no one bothers you. But what I can’t wrap my head around is how one of the most badass people I’ve met—the very guy who threatened me of all people—let his circumstances destroy who he is. So yeah, I’ll keep sending you proposals and updates on a car I can only hope you drive one day because I fucking care.” Noah rises from the couch and places a kiss on Maya’s head. He steps out of the camera frame, followed by a door clicking shut somewhere on Maya’s end.
Her eyes reflect the truth Noah laid out in front of me. Except she won’t say anything. She never says anything, and it drives me crazy. “Listen, Noah’s been more irritable and protective lately…”
The last thing I want is for Maya to worry about my relationship with Noah. He obviously does everything from a place of love. That’s what makes it harder than anything to reject his hope time after time.
I lift a palm up at her. “It’s fine. I get that he cares, but I can’t race again. It’s just not possible.”
She shakes her head. “I don’t think you understand how much he cares. Noah’s been developing the hand controls himself with Bandini. He’s committed to making your return as easy as possible, including clocking in hours during his busy schedule to make sure the throttle pad and steering wheel is perfect.”
“Are you serious?” The words leave my mouth in a whisper.
“He’s spent the past two off-seasons visiting the warehouse working with engineers and James on a car configured specifically for you. You’re the missing piece he needs, Santiago. He can test everything himself, but he can’t face the Formula Corp by himself, and you know that. They’d never accept the proposal without proof of your recovery.”
Holy shit. I had no idea Noah wanted me to return this much. I hate how I’ll only end up disappointing him with my decision to not race. No matter what he does, I can’t face that lifestyle again. The thought of living in the shadow of the racer I was has me solidifying my decision.
I open my mouth, but she stops me.
“I hope you know we believe in you. You’ll get back out there. I’m sure of it. And one day, you’ll show the world the same role model I had growing up. And I can’t wait to be there to cheer you on.”
The thought alone has me wanting to end the video call and hide from the emotions they both stirred up inside of me. Rather than express my feelings, I lock them up in a box and bury them deep within me.
I’m not racing. Not now. Not next season. Not ever.
