I WAS A BUNDLE OF NERVES.
I couldn’t fucking breathe out of concern for the girl in the bathroom.
Today was Shannon’s first day at Tommen, and she had been locked inside the bathroom for so long, that I was beginning to consider the possibility that she might have washed herself down the drain.
I mean, in all honesty, there wasn’t much of her there to begin with.
It wasn’t that hard of a stretch to imagine.
Unable to take another second of the not knowing, I threw my door open, padded into the landing, and rapped my knuckles against the bathroom door.
“Shan? Hurry up, will ya?” I knocked again, lying through my teeth when I added, “I’m bursting for a piss.”
“Two minutes, Joey,” she called back and I leaned an ear against the door, listening as she muttered positive affirmations to herself from behind the closed door.
Poor kid.
“You can do this,” I heard her tell herself over and over again.
Jesus, I sure as hell hoped it was true, because I was over eighteen now, a legal adult, which meant that the next time I had to intervene on her behalf, I would be heading straight for Cork prison.
When the door finally swung inwards, and I was faced with the sight of my baby sister clad in a private school uniform, it took me a moment to process my thoughts. “You look…” I let my words trail off, shaking my head when I took sight of the blazer. A blazer? Who wore a fucking blazer to anything besides a wedding and a funeral? I didn’t understand any of this. The world she was about to enter was one I would never belong to.
“Lovely,” I forced myself to tell her, and it wasn’t a lie. Besides from the fact that she looked skittish and terrified, she really did look the part. “The uniform suits you, Shan.”
“Do you think it’ll be okay?” she asked, voice small, eyes wide with barely contained fear. “Do you think I’ll fit in, Joey?”
I don’t know, but I hope so.
I really fucking hope so, Shan.
“I’m so fucking proud of you,” I said instead, struggling to keep my emotions in check. “You don’t even realize how brave you are.”
It was the truth.
Where she saw weakness, I saw strength.
Where she saw fear, I saw resilience.
Where she saw timidity, I saw courage.
Unlike me, Shannon didn’t need to alter her mind to survive the world we lived in.
She thought she was the weakest link in the family chain, when it couldn’t be further from the truth.
My sister was titanium.
“Hang on,” I said, hurrying back to my room. “I’ve got something for ya.” Retrieving my wallet from the pair of jeans strewn on my bedroom floor, I withdrew two fivers and returned to the landing to hand them to her. “Here.”
“Joey, no,” she was quick to protest, staring down at her hand in horror. “I can’t —”
“Take the money, Shannon,” I instructed. “It’s only a tenner. I know Nanny gave you the bus money, but just have something in your pocket.” Shrugging, I added, “I don’t know how shit works in that place, but I don’t want you going in there without a few quid.”
She eyed me uncertainly. “Are you sure?”
“Come here.” Hooking an arm around her bony shoulders, I pulled her in for a hug. “You’re going to be grand,” I told her, and I wasn’t sure which one of us I was trying to convince; her or me.
Trembling, she hugged me back for all she was worth.
“If someone gives you even the hint of shit, then you text me, and I will come over there and burn that school to the ground, and every posh, rugby head fucker in it.”
“It’s going to be fine,” she strangled out, clinging to me for dear life. “But I’ll be late if I don’t get going, and that’s so not what I need on my first day.”
I let my arm fall from her shoulders, but she didn’t move.
Instead, she continued to cling to me like a baby monkey would its mother.
She has to do this, I mentally chanted, and you have to let her.
Feeling panicked when she finally worked up the courage to release me and shrug on her coat, I busied myself with scratching my chest, anything to stop myself from throwing her over my shoulder and locking her in her room where I could keep her safe.
Picking her schoolbag up, Shannon hoisted it onto her small shoulders and offered me a hopeful smile before hurrying down the staircase.
Let her go, I silently commanded myself, stay put and let her do this.
“You text me,” I couldn’t stop myself from saying, as I hurried after her. Stopping midway down the staircase, I watched on helplessly as she opened the front door. “I’m serious. One sniff of crap from anyone, and I’ll come sort it out.”
“I can do this, Joe,” she replied, turning back to look at me. “I can.”
“I know you can.” I forced myself to smile back at her. “I just…” Blowing out an anxious breath, I said, “I’m here for you, okay? Always here for you.”
The face I’d spent most of my life protecting looked up at me with such wide-eyed innocence that I felt my heart crack.
With a small, reaffirming nod, she turned and walked away, quietly closing the front door behind her.
The minute it clicked shut, I heard the air whoosh from my lungs.
“Fuck.”
Pressing a hand to my chest, I leaned against the banister and allowed myself to sit with my anxiety for a moment, reeling in the potential problems she might encounter and a million what ifs, until I felt I might explode.
Only then did I turn around and jog back up the stairs, calling out, “Tadhg, Ols? Let’s go, lads. It’s time for school,” as I shifted into daddy mode and got the rest of my brood sorted.
