JOEY
“WHAT ARE you doing in my room?” Shannon asked when she walked into her bedroom at lunchtime on Wednesday afternoon, breaking the rare silence I was soaking in, with everyone else out of the house.
“Sean pissed on my bed,” I explained, exhaling a cloud of smoke, as I stared up at her bedroom ceiling, coming down from my high. “My sheets are in the wash.”
“Oh.” Dropping her school bag on her bedroom floor, she kicked off her shoes and walked over to her bed. “Push over.”
Obliging, I shifted closer to the wall and rested an arm behind my head as she flopped down on her small single bed beside me. “It’s lunchtime, Shan. What are ya doing home from school?”
“Like you can talk.” Digging me in the side with her skinny elbow, she mimicked, “It’s lunchtime, Joey. What are you doing home?”
“I’m in the dog house.”
“With Aoife?”
“Yep.”
“Is that weed?”
“Nope.”
“Are you lying.”
Inhaling another deep drag of my smoke, I held it there for a long moment before exhaling slowly. “Yep.”
“Stoner.”
“Slacker.”
“So, what did you do?” she asked, batting a cloud of smoke away. “To get sent to the dog house?” She sucked in a sharp breath before I could answer and hissed, “Please tell me you didn’t cheat on her? Because that girl is amazing and you need to marry her.”
“The fuck?” I narrowed my eyes and exhaled a cloud of smoke. “No, Jesus, I didn’t cheat on her. I don’t cheat, Shan.”
“Sorry.” She shrugged sheepishly. “It’s just…well, when I was at BCS, I used to hear a lot of the girls in the bathroom talking about you and you’re, uh, well, your bedroom skills.”
“My bedroom skills,” I snorted. “Jesus Christ. Girls are fucked up.”
“Girls are fucked up,” my little sister wholeheartedly agreed. “I don’t understand them at all.”
“You know, they say fellas talk, but it’s the other way around,” I complained. “Girls talk.” I twisted my head to find her staring wide-eyed back at me. “Girls do a lot of fucking talking, Shan.”
“Yeah, I know,” she sighed.
“You know, most of what they say is pure bullshit,” I decided to add, feeling salty. “I’ve only been in one girl’s bedroom.”
Her eyes widened. “So, you’ve only been with one girl?”
“I’ve only been in one girl’s bedroom,” I doubled down and repeated.
“Joey.” My sister narrowed her eyes. “That’s not the same thing.”
“Like you can talk,” I shot back, giving her back her earlier words. “How’d you get on in Mister Rugby’s bedroom the other week? I’m guessing this little day trip home from school has something to do with him?”
“Wh-what?”
“Don’t pull that shy card on me,” I chuckled. “I can read ya like a book.”
She nestled under my arm and sighed heavily. “I didn’t come home early because of Johnny.”
I stiffened. “Then who?”
“Bella Wilkinson.”
“What did she do?”
“It doesn’t matter,” Shannon replied, shaking her head. “Forget it.”
Frowning, I turned to look at her. “Did she hurt you?”
“No.”
“Call you names or something?”
She stiffened.
“So, she called you names?”
She nodded.
“What did she call you?”
“The usual,” she admitted quietly. “And then she made fun of me for coming from Elk’s Terrace.”
“Fucking bitch,” I growled, taking another deep drag before sitting up, feeling my temper rise. “You get why these girls target you, don’t ya?”
“Because they hate me.”
“Because they’re threatened by you,” I corrected. “Because goodness shines out of you, and they’re throwing shit to take that shine away. Don’t let them win, Shan.”
“How’s BCS going for you?” she asked, clearly trying to take the limelight off herself by steering the conversation towards me.
“School is school, Shan,” I replied, staring out the window. “Same shit, different day.”
“You know the real reason I’m home in the middle of the day,” she replied. “What’s your real reason, Joe?”
“Already told ya.” I shrugged and took another drag of my smoke. “I’m in the dog house.”
“Why do I feel like that’s not true?”
I shrugged. “I just couldn’t be bothered sticking around.”
“Why don’t you talk to me, Joe?” she asked then, tone laced with sadness. “I’m always confiding in you, but you never do the same.”
Because I can’t. Because you’d crumble. Because I need to protect you. “You know me, kid,” I replied, climbing off her bed, and moving for the window. I turned back and offered her a smile. “I’m bulletproof.”
She stared back at me, uncertain, for a long moment before whispering, “If I tell you something, do you promise not to get mad?”
Pushing her window open, I took another drag of my smoke before flicking the butt away. “Depends.”
“Promise me, Joe.”
“Okay, I promise.”
Chewing on her bottom lip, my baby sister squirmed in discomfort before throwing her hands up and blurting out, “I kissed Johnny Kavanagh.”
Well, shit.
I wasn’t expecting that.
My brows shot up in surprise. “You kissed…”
“Johnny Kavanagh,” she filled in with a nod, cheeks reddening.
“Okay,” I replied slowly, as I tried to navigate this new fucking territory that my baby sister had unceremoniously thrown me into. This wasn’t a conversation she needed to be having with her older brother. This was an older sister conversation. Or a mother and daughter conversation. Instead, she was stuck with me. Fuck. My. Life. I could feel my buzz deserting me at a rapid rate. “Was that all you did with him?”
Please say yes.
Please Jesus, don’t tell me anything else.
“Yes,” she strangled out, nodding eagerly.
“When?”
“Monday night. At his house.”
“At his house?” I arched a brow. “Where in his house, exactly?”
“His bedroom.”
Now both my brows rose along with my blood pressure. “His bedroom?”
“But he didn’t kiss me back,” she blurted, wringing her hands together. “And I feel so embarrassed about the whole thing, Joe.”
“Why didn’t he kiss you back?”
“He said that it wouldn’t be fair to start anything up with me when he’s leaving soon.” She chewed on her lip, looking very young and uncertain. “But then he came over after school yesterday.”
“He came over.” My eyes widened. “Here. To this house.”
She nodded. “He helped me with my homework.”
“Did anything happen?”
“We hugged.”
I fought back the laugh that was threatening to escape me. “You hugged.”
“Uh-huh.”
Desperately trying to keep a straight face, I asked, “Was it a good hug?”
She sighed wistfully and clutched her chest. “It was the best hug I’ve ever had.”
Now, I did laugh.
“Joey!”
“I’m sorry. I’m sorry.” Clearing my throat, I scrubbed my face with my hand and tried again. “So, the Dub gives good hugs, yeah?”
“Yes.” She gave another uncertain nod and shrugged helplessly. “But I wanted it to be more than just a hug because I just… I really like him, Joe. And then, today at lunch, he literally punched Bella’s boyfriend in the face because she was saying those mean things about me. But that scares me because you know how I feel about violence, but I’m not scared of him like that, you know? He’s a good person. I mean he’s a really, really good person. Excellent, in fact. I can tell. And I like him, Joe. I like him so much it’s hard to breathe when he’s near me. But I just… and he won’t… and I don’t… oh god, help me!”
Jesus, I needed another smoke for this.
“You couldn’t have taken a shine to a lad from around here?” Shaking my head, I sank back down on her bed and sighed. “You had to pick the Irish international?”
She squirmed in discomfort. “I’m sorry?”
“Don’t be sorry, Shan,” I chuckled, rubbing my jaw. “You can’t help who you like. And for what it’s worth, I reckon he likes you too, kid.”
“What do I do, Joe?”
“You’re asking me?”
“Who else can I ask?”
“Fuck.” Pressing my fingers to my temples, I tried to think up the appropriate answer to give her in this moment. “Give me a second to think about this.”
“What would you do if you were me?”
Yeah, I wasn’t going to tell her what I’d do.
“Or Aoife? What would she do in this position?”
And I definitely wasn’t going to tell her what Molloy would do.
“Just take your time. Be his friend and just let whatever happens come naturally,” I finally settled on, knowing it was lame as fuck, but unwilling to give my baby sister tips on how to seduce a fella. “If it happens, it happens, and if it doesn’t, then that’s okay, too. And please, for the love of Christ, don’t ask Aoife for advice,” I added, shuddering at the thought of the pointers Molloy would be only too happy to give her. “You’re only sixteen, Shan. This is all new to you. You need to navigate this thing with Kavanagh at your own pace and nobody else’s.”
“I can do that,” she whispered, looking up at me like I was giving her some sacred advice. “Thanks, Joe.”
“Anytime.”
“Can I ask you something else?”
“What?”
“How old were you?” She grimaced before adding, “When you first…you know?”
I eyed her warily. “Do we need to have the talk?”
Her eyes widened. “The talk?”
“The talk,” I confirmed grimly. “You’ve had the talk, right?”
“I, ah…”
“Mam’s had the talk with you, hasn’t she?” I pressed, palms sweating.
“No, did she have the talk with you?”
“Fuck no, I learned along the way,” I strangled out.
“Oh.” Her cheeks flamed. “Okay.”
“Don’t do that, though,” I added after a beat. “Don’t learn on the job.”
“The job?”
“You know what I mean.”
“Uh.” Her face flamed. “I really don’t.”
Jesus Christ. “Well, you know how it all works, don’t you?” I asked and then shifted in discomfort. “Sex and intimacy, and birth control and all that shit?”
“Uh, yeah?” Exhaling a shaky breath, she nodded uncertainly. “I know enough.”
“You do?”
“I mean, I think I do?”
That meant she definitely didn’t.
Aw fuck.
“Do you, ah…” I let my voice trail off, and scratched my jaw, buying myself a few extra seconds before forcing out the words, “Do you need to ask me anything about it?”
“Like what?”
“I don’t fucking know, Shan,” I choked out. “Advice? You have three minutes to ask whatever the fuck you want and then I’m out of here and this conversation will never again be repeated.”
“Is it like the movies?” She squirmed in discomfort. “Sex? Does it hurt?”
“Yeah, the first time can hurt for a girl,” I replied, resisting the urge to crawl into the corner of her room and rock. “But it shouldn’t hurt after that, and if it does, he’s doing it wrong.”
“Do we really bleed?”
“Uh, yeah, girls can bleed the first time, but it doesn’t happen to every girl.”
“Why not?”
Fuck if I knew. “Because it’s different for everyone.”
“What about guys? Does it hurt for guys their first time?”
“No, it’s more of matter of trying to keep the head.”
“The head?”
“Calm,” I corrected with a grimace. “It’s a matter of keeping calm and in control.”
“What happens if you can’t stay calm?”
“Then it’s over before it starts.”
“Over?”
“Over,” I confirmed grimly. “As in the show’s over.”
“Oh.” Her cheeks reddened. “What if his, you know, is too big? What if it doesn’t fit in, um, well, you know?”
“It fits.” I dropped my head in my hands and groaned. “It’s always fits.”
“But how?”
“Magic.”
“Joey.”
“It just fucking fits, Shan,” I replied. “Once the girl is relaxed and not feeling anxious or pressured –“ I paused to give her a hard look. “Nobody’s pressuring you, right?”
“Oh god, no,” she hurried to say. “I’m just…curious.”
“Okay then. Good. That’s good to hear.” Repressing a shudder, I quickly continued. “Jesus, I can’t believe these words are coming out of my mouth, but foreplay helps a lot.”
“Foreplay?”
“Yeah, Shan.”
“What kind of foreplay?”
“Well, not hugging that’s for fucking sure.”
“Oh.” She blushed. “So, you mean like kissing and stuff?”
“And stuff,” I replied, feeling like I was seconds away from throwing myself out of her bedroom window.
“Like touching?”
“Yeah, like touching and tasting and…ugh, you know what?” Slapping my hands on my knees, I stood up and paced the floor. “You should stick to the hugging. Hugging is perfect. Hugging is plenty close enough until you’re twenty.”
“How old were you, Joe? When you first…”
“Too young.”
“How young?”
“Younger than you.”
Her eyes widened and she choked out a surprised cough. “Joe.”
I grimaced. “Yeah, I know.”
“So… how was your first time?”
“Terrible,” I admitted quietly. “I wasn’t ready.”
My baby sister’s eyes widened. “Then why’d you go through with it?”
“I…” I opened my mouth to respond, but words failed me. “I…” Shaking my head, I racked my brain for the words I needed to answer her but came up empty.
Concern filled her blue eyes. “Joe?”
“I don’t know, Shan.” Shoulders slumping, I sank down on the bed beside my sister and rested my elbows on my thighs. “I think I…”
“You think you what, Joe?”
“I think I was…” Blowing out a strained breath, I wrestled with my hazed memories, trying to make sense of a night that had never made sense to me. “I think I wasn’t in my own body, if that makes sense?”
“In what way?”
“I was high as a kite that night, and I mean, I can sort of remember it happening,” I admitted, cracking my knuckles together. “But I don’t remember how or why it happened.”
“I don’t understand,” she whispered, turning her body to face me. “Are you saying you…” Swallowing deeply, my baby sister reached for my hand and squeezed. “Did you not want it to happen, Joe?”
“I don’t know, Shan,” I forced myself to admit out loud for the first time. “I mean, I know that I liked the girl it happened with, and I know that I wasn’t upset about it afterwards, but I just don’t remember how it happened.”
“Joe.” Her hand tightened around mine. “That kind of sounds like you didn’t consent.”
“Maybe,” I muttered, scratching my head. “But I must have enjoyed it because I went back there with her multiple times over the years. She was actually a friend type person of mine back in the day.”
“It doesn’t matter if you did it a thousand times with a thousand different girls,” Shannon croaked out. “You both need to consent every time, Joe.”
“Jesus,” I muttered, shaking my head. “How did this conversation get so deep?”
“Does Aoife know?”
“Does Aoife know what?”
“About what happened to you on your first time…“
“No, because nothing happened to me, Shannon,” I was quick to point out, quickly shutting down the conversation before it went to a place that my mind had no intention of visiting. “I got high, I got fucked, I got over it, and then, when I got high again, I got fucked some more. Rince and repeat. That was my mantra. So yeah, I was way too young and way too fucking reckless with my body,” I admitted, giving her a hard look. “Don’t make my mistakes, Shan. Don’t give yourself away to the first person who shows you an ounce of affection. Just take your time. I promise the right person is worth holding out for, okay?”
“Joe, I really feel like you weren’t…”
“Don’t, okay?” Annoyed, I stood up and moved for her door. “Don’t make me a victim, Shan. It’s not the narrative of my story.”
“Do you wish Aoife was your first?” she thankfully changed the subject by asking.
“Every day,” I admitted with a shrug. “It’s fucking miserable knowing that I threw something around that means so much with the right person. It’s even worse knowing that she knows it.”
“So, she waited for you?”
“I’m not talking about Aoife, Shan,” I replied. “A lad has limits, ya know. Ask what you want about my sex life, but not my girlfriend’s, okay?”
“You really love her, don’t you?”
“It’s not just about love. It’s about respect.”
“And compatibility.”
“And friendship.”
“And loyalty.”
“Exactly.”
“Wow,” Shannon breathed. “You’re very sweet under that prickly exterior, aren’t you?”
“I’m hungry under this prickly exterior,” I muttered, desperate to get away from the topic of the birds and the bees. “Want to make your favorite brother something to eat before he has to go to work?”
“Okay.” Sighing heavily, she climbed off her bed and walked right up to me, wrapping her skinny arms around my waist. “But only because you are my favorite brother.”
