AOIFE
JOHNNY KAVANAGH’S mother looked like she had fallen from heaven, while his father looked like he had been carved from gold. Seriously, the boy had some damn fine genes flushing through his veins. He was almost as blessed in the looks department as the little bruiser growing in my belly was going to be.
Almost.
“So, this is the famous Joey Lynch,” John Kavanagh said, giving my boyfriend a polite smile. I had to give the man props for not adding the ‘in’ to the ‘famous’ statement. “I’ve heard a lot about you.”
Unmoving, Joey studied him, looking a little cornered and a lot defensive. Interjecting on his behalf, I took what I hoped was an inconspicuous step in front of him, knowing that he needed a minute to take a breath and not react on instinct.
“Looks like this little guy had a ball at your house,” I offered, reaching behind me to ruffle Sean’s curls. “You have a lovely home.”
“Your brothers were alone,” Edel Kavanagh cut the bullshit and stated, never once taking her eyes off Joey. “Johnny couldn’t leave them on their own.”
I could read Joey like a book, and it broke my heart knowing that every instinct inside of his body was screaming danger. Knowing that he wasn’t in his right frame of mind right now made him even more unpredictable. My gaze flicked to Johnny, who seemed to be thinking the same thing, and had taken a step towards his mother.
I narrowed my eyes and gave him a look that said as if.
He shrugged unapologetically.
“I’m sorry,” Joey surprised me by responding, giving the woman his full attention. “I was at work.”
The lack of bite or fire in his response gutted me because it just clarified what I already knew to be true: he had checked out.
Pain flickered in her brown eyes, and she cast a worried glance to her husband before shaking her head. “No, Joey, love, I wasn’t implying that you had done anything wrong.”
“Either way,” Joey replied with a shrug, as he rounded the passenger side of my car with his youngest brother in his arms and opened the door. “It won’t happen again.”
“You don’t have to leave right away, love,” Edel was quick to protest as she watched my boyfriend settle Sean in the backseat and fasten his seatbelt. “Stay for dinner. All of you. It would be our pleasure.”
“No, we’ve stayed long enough,” was all Joey replied, straightening back up and searching the grounds for the others. “Boys,” he called out, followed by a piercing whistle. “Let’s bounce.”
As loyal to their brother as these dogs were to Johnny’s mother, Ollie and Tadhg came thundering towards Joey, not stopping until they were standing beside him.
“Thank Johnny and his parents for holding on to ye today,” Joey instructed quietly.
“Thanks,” Tadhg parroted, more interested in saying goodbye to the dogs than the humans before climbing into the backseat with Sean.
“Thanks, Dellie,” Ollie chimed in, bolting back to the blonde woman and throwing his arms around her waist. “I had the bestest time.”
Clearly taken aback, she hugged him back tightly. “You come back to see me soon, love.”
“I will,” Ollie replied, taking a little too long to release her. When he finally did, he took a safe step back and eyed her husband warily before holding his small hand out. “Bye, John.”
“Bye, Ollie,” the big man replied in a soft voice, accepting his handshake. “Remember what I told you.”
“Uh-huh.” Ollie nodded brightly up at him and smiled. “I gots it, John. I won’t forget.”
“It’s got not gots,” little alpha piped up from the backseat. “Learn to speak, asshole.”
“Pack it in,” Joey warned, steering Ollie into the car to join his brothers. Only when they were all sitting down with their seatbelts fastened did Joey turn back to the Kavanaghs. “Thanks for everything. It won’t happen again.”
“And your mother?”
“She doesn’t need to know about it.”
Looking defeated, Joey climbed into the passenger seat and closed the door, leaving me standing alone with all three members of the Kavanagh family looking at me expectantly.
“It’ll be fine,” I mumbled. “They’ll be fine.”
“Are you sure?” Edel asked, looking as convinced as I felt.
No.
Forcing myself not to cry, I offered her the brightest smile I could muster and nodded. “Uh-huh.”
There was a storm brewing in my boyfriend’s heart.
Silent and brooding the entire drive back to Elk’s terrace, Joey drummed his fingers on his knee. He glared out the passenger window, while the boys laughed and joked in the backseat, blissfully unaware of their older brother’s inner turmoil. The minute I parked up outside his house, though, Joey was out of the car and stalking into the house.
“Fuck, he’s raging,” Tadhg surmised, making eye contact with me in the rearview mirror.
“You’re not ‘posed to curse,” Ollie scolded as he worked on unfastening both his and Sean’s seatbelts. “It’s not good manners.”
Tadhg rolled his eyes. “Hey, Ollie, I don’t give a flying fu—”
“Okay,” I interjected before Tadhg schooled the minors on the more colorful side of the English language. “Let’s just go inside, lads.”
With Sean’s sticky little hand in mine, I followed the boys into the house, only to wince as the sound of shouting coming from somewhere upstairs filled my ears.
“Wow, you guys got a new television.”
“Darren gots it for us,” Ollie explained with a huff.
“Why don’t you put some cartoons on,” I suggested, ushering all three into the sitting room before moving for the stairs. “I’ll be back in a sec.”
“Fine, but I’m not watching shitty cartoons,” Tadhg called over his shoulder. “There’s a match on RTE.”
Leaving the boys to battle it out over the remote, I followed the sound of shouting and raced up the staircase, not stopping until I was standing in the doorway of their parents’ bedroom.
“How many fucking times do we have to do this?” Joey was demanding, as he ripped at the curtains to flood the once dark room in evening sunshine. “You can’t leave Sean on his on like that!”
With my heart racing wildly, I flicked my gaze to the woman curled up in a ball on the bed.
Marie.
“Just go away, Teddy,” she slurred, clutching her pillow, as sob after gut-wrenching sob escapade her. “I’m tired.”
“It’s Joey,” he choked out. “Christ, what have you taken?”
“Like you can judge me.”
“I’m not judging you. I’m telling you to get the fuck up and be a mother to your children!”
“I’m so tired.”
“And I’m not?” my boyfriend demanded, running his hands through his hair in obvious frustration. “You don’t get to do this, Mam. You don’t get to check the fuck out on them,” he spat. “You wanted to keep them. You wanted your family together. That was yours and Darren’s number one goal, right? To keep the boys here? To pull the wool over Patricia and every other social workers’ eyes. Well, you did it. Congratulations. Because those boys are downstairs. But they’re on their own, Mam. Without a mother or father to look out for them. So, stop feeling sorry for yourself and take some goddamn responsibility!”
“I said go away,” she screamed, throwing her pillow at him. “I don’t want you here.”
“You don’t want me here,” Joey roared, throwing his hands up. “Well, we have something in common because I don’t want to be here, either!”
“Joe.” Moving on instinct, I went to him. Like the habit of a lifetime. “It’s okay.”
“You see this?” he strangled out, trembling violently, as he pointed at his mother. “What the fuck am I supposed to do about this?”
Nothing.
Because he’d done enough for her and had it thrown back in his face.
All he needed to do now was look after himself, but he couldn’t hear me.
He was too far gone.
Just like his mam.
“Look at me…hey, hey, look at me.” Catching hold of his face between my hands, I forced him to make eye contact with me. “Just leave her, okay?”
“But I—”
“Shh, shh.” Pulling his face down to mine, I pressed a kiss to his brow and focused on his eyes once more. “It’s okay.”
It wasn’t.
None of this was okay.
But this boy needed something to cling to.
“I just…” Breathing hard and fast, he reached for my hand and let his shoulders slump in defeat. “I can’t do this anymore.”
“I know.” Taking his hands in mine, I led him out of her room and closed the door behind us. “Listen to me,” I coaxed, moving for the bathroom. “I’m going to go downstairs and sort the boys, and you’re going to take a shower.”
Pain and confusion flashed in his eyes. “But I—”
“Just breathe, Joe,” I instructed, ushering him into the bathroom. “Take a minute, okay? Shower and change out of your work clothes. I’ll hang with the boys for a bit.”
“I can’t do this, Molloy,” he repeated, sounding as broken as he looked. “I can’t.”
My heart seized with a horrible concoction of fear and dread.
“You’ve got one more night in you,” I replied, reaching up to stroke his cheek. “I promise.”
‘I don’t want to let it go.’
‘What?’ was all I managed to croak out.
‘Us,’ he replied. ‘I’m not letting it go. I can’t do this without you.”
The words escaped his lips like a torn admission.
Like it pained him to say this.
Like he was only registering the impact of his words as they spilled from his lips.
“And I don’t want to,” he whispered, dropping his head. “I don’t want a life without you in it.”
Broken in half from his admission, I could do nothing but wrap my arms around his lean frame and pull him close. “I’m still here, Joe.”
“Don’t go downstairs,” he mumbled, snaking an arm around my back and pulling me flush against him. “Be with me.”
“Joe…”
“Just be with me,” he begged, dropping his head on my shoulder. “You don’t have do anything with me, I promise. I just…” He exhaled a ragged breath and said, “Just hold onto me, Molloy.”
“Okay,” was all I could say in response, while my heart well and truly split down the center. “I’ll be with you, Joe.”
Always.
After coaxing Joey into the shower, I popped downstairs to check on the boys to find them still arguing over the remote. Settling grudges and doling out snacks, I then returned to Joey’s room to find him fresh from a shower. With a towel wrapped around his narrow hips, he sat on the edge of his bed, with his shoulders slumped, and his head in his hands.
“What’s wrong?” I asked, closing his bedroom door behind me. “You look sad, Joe,” I noted, moving to stand in front of him. “You look devastated, if truth be told.”
“It just ah…” Shaking his head, he forced himself to look at me when he said, “I thought you left.”
My poor heart slammed violently against my ribcage. “Nope. I’m afraid you’re stuck with me for the evening.”
He blew out another shaky breath, and then his hands her on my hips, tugging me closer until my belly was touching his nose. “Good.”
“Joe.”
Without a word, he reached for the hem of my hoodie and pulled it up to reveal my bump. “I love ya.” He pressed a lingering kiss to my belly. “Both of ye.”
My breath hitched in my throat, and I couldn’t stop my hands from knotting in his hair. “We love you too, Joe.”
“I’ll sort this,” he continued to whisper, as he peppered kisses over my stomach. “I promise, I’ll fix everything.”
And that was all it took.
Just a glimpse of the boy I’d fallen in love with was all it took to rid me of my clothes and have me on my back beneath him.
Trembling when his lips moved over my skin, as he buried his face between my thighs, I clutched at the bedsheets, and blinked my tears away, feeling too much for this boy than was good for me.
“Joe,” I whispered hoarsely when he moved between my legs. “I need you to wear a condom, remember?”
He stilled for a moment, and I could see the devastation washing over him in waves before he nodded in shame and reached for the drawer of his nightstand to retrieve a foil wrapper.
Ironically, it was during pregnancy that we had finally decided to use protection. I could count on one hand the number of times we’d been intimate since his father’s attack, and I had been careful to protect myself each time.
“I know you haven’t been with anyone else,” I hurried to soothe, watching as he clumsily rolled a condom on his shaft with trembling hands. “I’m just…you remember the doctor said that I need to protect myself and the baby in case.”
“It’s okay,” he replied, voice cracking, hands resting on his thighs. “I understand.”
“Joe.” Pulling myself up on one elbow, I hooked an arm around his neck and drew him down to me. “It’s okay. Just be with me.”
“I’m sorry,” he strangled out, pushing himself deep inside of me. “You’ll never know how much.”
