“Calling to wish you luck tonight, Neevah. Sorry I can’t be there.”
Listening to my mother’s voicemail, I hear the regret in her voice, but it doesn’t lessen my disappointment that she’s not here.
“I had surgery and you know my knee ain’t been right ever since,” she goes on. “Traveling that long on a bus would be hard. Anyway, I’m so proud of you. We all are. I love you.”
She doesn’t fly.
I’m only in the role for a week.
She has obligations at home.
I rehearse the litany of reasons my mother cannot be here when I need her like I have many times over the last decade. Like I did my first semester in college. And when I was struggling after graduation. I toured with a play once and we did a show in Charlotte. It was a small role, but Mama came. She beamed with pride over the couple of lines I had onstage for only a few minutes. How would she feel tonight seeing me on Broadway as the star of the show?
“You got this,” my hairstylist and best friend Takira says, jarring me from my thoughts and bringing me back to the dressing room as I prepare to go on.
Her words echo the mantra I’ve been chanting internally ever since I found out I’d be stepping in for the lead actress tonight. I’ve actually known for a few weeks because her vacation was planned, but this is the first night I’m actually doing it. On Broadway. Stomach in knots. Possibly vomiting.
“I’m gonna ruin this costume with these big ol’ sweat circles.” I laugh and lift my arms. “My nerves. Oh, my God. I just want to get this over with.”
Takira sticks another pin in to secure the long wig I’m wearing for the part.
“I repeat.” She catches my eyes in the mirror, resting her chin in the crook of my neck and squeezing my shoulders. “You got this. Truth be told, I thought Elise would never go on vacation ’cause she knows her understudy can sing her out of the water and act her under the table. She didn’t want folks seeing how good her backup actually is.” She winks at me. “But tonight they will.”
Will they? I don’t care if anyone thinks I’m better than the principal. I like Elise. She’s truly talented. I just want to get through this and not embarrass the director or let down the cast. Or disappoint the people who paid to see Elise.
“I’ll be right back,” Takira says. “I’m gonna go grab you some of that tea they had in the green room.”
The walls of Elise’s dressing room seem to clamp around me like jaws. While she’s on vacation, I get to borrow hers, but the one I share with three other understudies is a glorified broom closet four flights up. This much larger room is tastefully decorated, with gorgeous rugs, plush furniture and abstract paintings gracing the walls. Plenty of space for my doubts and fears to make themselves comfortable.
A few minutes later, there’s a knock at the door. The understudies cluster in the hallway, their eyes lit with excitement.
“Good luck out there,” Janie gushes. “There’s nothing like it.”
She’s been on before. As swing, she understudies for several actors, so her chances of getting onstage are greater than mine.
“You guys,” I say. “I’m so nervous.”
“You’re gonna be amazing,” Beth reassures.
They crowd around me with their topknots and varying shades of leotard and sweatpants, squeezing me. I slump into their arms, finding solidarity and a few seconds of borrowed confidence in their tight grip.
“Half an hour, ladies and gents,” the stage manager’s disembodied voice reminds us through the intercom system.
My heartbeat seems to triple.
“Okay. Almost time. Let’s get out of here, girls,” Janie tells the other two understudies.
“It’s your night,” Beth says. “Show ’em what you got.”
“Thanks.” I offer the three of them a smile and wave when they file out of the dressing room. I’m left with my reflection in the mirror and the waiting quiet. I do a few deep breathing exercises, some vocal warm-ups. None of my routines seem to quell the anxiety blossoming in my chest.
Takira opens the door, startling me as she enters carrying a steaming mug.
“Here you go.” She reaches in her bag and pulls out a bottle of water. “Room temperature. Wasn’t sure which you’d prefer so I brought both.”
“Thanks.” I’m mentally rehearsing the monologue from the final act, barely paying attention.
“Let me check your hair one more time and then I’ll leave you alone.” Takira comes over and adjusts a few hairpins. “Your scalp looked good, by the way.”
That does get my attention. I turn to search her face. My hair has been . . . an issue. After showing up for a few gigs and finding no one on set who knew what to do with Black hair, I started making sure I was prepared to do it myself. I found Takira, who has taken care of it recently and helped keep it healthy. I could have handled it tonight, but having her meant one less thing to worry about.
And Takira’s my girl. With so much distance between my family and me—not just the miles separating North Carolina from New York, but the chasm yawning between our hearts—I’ve collected a few good friends through the years. I’ve needed them.
There was a time when I couldn’t imagine a night like this without Mama and Terry, and now it’s hard to see them in any part of my life. Hard for me to imagine fitting into theirs. Especially Terry’s. I have a niece, Quianna, I barely know and can hardly bring myself to look at because each time I do, I see them.
“Stop it,” I tell the girl in the mirror with the heavy stage makeup and the silky wig spilling down her back. “The past is shit. The future is uncertain. All you have is now.”
“That’s what you always say,” Takira laughs, her wide white smile contrasting with her flawless brown skin.
“I literally forgot you were there.” I chuckle, allowing amusement to pierce my nervousness for at least one moment.
“Well I’m getting out of your hair, so to speak.” She picks up her bag, stuffed with supplies, from the floor and pats her cap of natural curls. “I’ll be watching from the balcony.”
“You’re coming to dinner after, right? I think some of us are heading to Glass House Tavern.”
“Sounds good. I’ll meet you back here.” She grins. “I want to see you signing all the autographs at the stage door.”
“Pffft.” I swallow the anxiety inching up my throat. “I doubt it.”
“This role has never been played by a Black woman.” Takira’s smile fades and her look grows more intent. “Understudy or not, tonight’s a big deal, not just for you, but for the little girls out there who need to see us onstage. Tonight’s not just your night. It’s all of ours.”
I huff out a laugh and rub the back of my neck. “No pressure, huh?”
“Girl, you were born for pressure.” She leans in to lay a kiss on my cheek.
I catch and hold her hand, hold her stare. “Thanks, T, for everything.”
“You know I got you.”
“Fifteen minutes,” comes over the intercom.
Sweat sprouts around my hairline and my breath stutters.
“Bye,” Takira says, and slips from the dressing room.
And then it’s just me, sitting with a cup of tea, room temperature water, and all the possible ways I could screw this up. The faint buzz of preparation beyond my door sifts into the silence. The bees working in the hive backstage while the patrons wait, bellies full from a pre-show dinner, or relaxed after a drink or two. I watch theater on an empty stomach and completely sober. I don’t want a thing dulling my senses or making me slow. There could be something I miss. I consume a show like a starved animal, like a tremoring addict chasing a high. Hard to believe I thought I wanted a different life when now this, performing, is everything to me.
Since graduating from Rutgers, I’ve done regional tours, some commercials, done swing for a couple of smaller shows, but this is my first time stepping onto a Broadway stage. In the years since that awful day with Terry and Brandon, I’ve learned a lot about myself. My view of the world, of what was possible, was so limited then. It’s like I was looking at life with one eye open. I might have stayed in my small town, done community theater, married Brandon and been content with two or three kids. Maybe taught drama at our local high school. That is a path my life could have taken and I might have been fine.
They ran me from that life, though, Terry and Brandon. They kicked me out of the nest and sent me soaring. On some level I’m grateful things happened the way they did, but most times when I think of them, it’s hard to find goodwill, and as much as I hate to admit it, grace has been scarce. A wound left untended festers, and that’s what’s happened with my family.
“Five minutes,” the stage manager intones over the intercom.
I close my eyes, blocking out old hurts and moldy memories. Even cutting off the roads my mind would take to the future and what doing well tonight, this week while Elise is on vacation, could mean for my career. I whittle my thoughts down to one thing.
Splendor.
This play. This character. This performance. This moment.
I’ve been in the wings, backstage every night for months. Always prepared, but never put on. Every line and lyric lives in my pores now, runs through my veins. I want to give myself to that stage tonight. I want to pour out every emotion this story demands.
Theater has the power to transform, to transport. For every person waiting for curtains to rise, this story is the vehicle to escape the mundane, the grind, the pressures life imposes on us. I know because I feel those same pressures. I feel the weight of life and I want to be lifted as badly as they do. For someone tonight, I’m the getaway.
And just like that, my perspective shifts and it’s not about the tightness in my chest or the shortness of breath or the sweat running down my back. It’s not about my fear of what could go wrong for me. It’s about what I can do for them. What we can create together tonight.
I stare at the same girl in the mirror, but now in her eyes, there’s a mingling of peace and fire.
“Places, everyone!” the stage manager urges. “Places!”
