“We must prepare the pups now for their change next month,” Alpha Victor said, his power locking us in place so no one would miss a word of his speech.
Simone wasn’t wrong when she’d called him an egomaniac; he was that and so much more. My father had been the only one in our history to try to take him out, and I still had no idea why he’d turned against his friend and alpha. It was something that kept me up at night, especially after a particularly hard day.
“We have decided that this solstice, we’ll travel even farther across pack lands,” he continued, sounding pleased with himself. As per tradition, only the alpha, beta, and their sons would be with us for our initial shift. The rest of the pack would find us later, and this was when any new mate bonds would kick into gear.
For me, I cared about none of that, or how far we roamed over the vast lands controlled by the Torma pack. I cared about one thing and one thing only: getting control of my wolf so I could bail.
“Now onto our mixer with the Strigent pack,” the alpha said, changing the subject rapidly, as was his way. “We’ve had petitions for a full participation from all unmated wolves. Hopefully, a few more true mate bonds will kick into effect.”
These mixers happened a few times a year and were a big deal. From what I’d observed in my twenty-two years, shifters were dominated by their need to find their mate. I didn’t blame them for this—I would have liked to have someone in my corner. Someone who was the perfect match for me and would support me no matter what.
I’d been alone, so fucking alone and lonely, for almost my entire life.
But at no point had I ever been desperate enough to want to mate with anyone in this pack. I mean, there was no way, just through some quirk in fate, I’d suddenly be all hot and heavy for one of these assholes who had tormented me. Right?
Life couldn’t be that unfair.
“Tonight is one of the last group runs before our pups join us,” Victor shouted, his honey-blond hair springing up as his wolf rose to the surface. “Let’s change and commune with our beasts.”
Shouts rang out around the massive field we were congregated on, outside the alpha’s mansion with its sixty bedrooms and as many bathrooms. It was as far from a humble dwelling as any place could be, but it was nothing compared to the many thousands of priceless acres attached to it.
Wild and untamed land that the pack would cover tonight in their run.
Those of us too young would leave now, before the beasts emerged. I’d seen the change from human to wolf before, of course, but never in a mass gathering like this.
Simone grabbed my hand as the alpha lifted his head and howled to the sky, releasing us from his power. “Let’s get out of here,” she said. “I’ve got my car.”
We ran. Like at school, it was best if I made myself scarce when the wolves base instincts emerged.
“Is your mom here?” she asked, both of us full-on sprinting to the field where her car was. She was smart enough to park off to the side, where no one could block us in. This was not our first pack meeting, and we were adept at survival.
“Didn’t see her,” I said shortly. “And she wouldn’t accept a ride from us anyway. She’d be in there, shifting with them, trying to worm her way into the heart of another.”
My father had been her true mate, but she didn’t care. His death—his betrayal, as she put it—had destroyed all of us. And I got it. Part of me hated him more than I could imagine hating anyone.
Another part missed him with an intensity that took my breath away.
Sliding into Simone’s old red pickup truck, I tried to calm my breathing, even as my heart pounded against my chest. I wasn’t winded from the run. Nope, it was the fear that did that.
Fuck. Fear was so debilitating, and not for the first time, I wondered what it would be like to live without it. To just… get up each morning and not dread the fucking day.
An absolute truth struck me then, while I was trying to calm my damn heart for the second time that day: I should have run years ago. The fact that I’d stayed here, placing myself in this position to be tormented daily, was an absolute disgrace.
Turning myself into a victim over and over again was a shame I felt deep in my soul.
“I have to leave tonight,” I decided, intensity lacing my tone. “Tonight is my best chance. They’ll be gone on their run for hours, and the town is empty.”
Simone slammed on the brakes, the car screeching to a halt. “Are you fucking kidding me?” she all but shouted. “Girl, you’re one month out from your shift. You can’t go now. You’ll die without an alpha to guide you through the first change.”
My hands were clenched at my sides as anger and humiliation coursed through me. “I let them turn me into a whimpering bitch,” I said through gritted teeth, my throat so thick, I could barely get the words out. “I’ve lived in fear for a decade. I’ve had the worst kind of shit done to me, and I wear the scars both internally and externally from it. Why the fuck have I stayed so long? On a one-off fear I might die during my first shift? At this point, that would be a blessing.”
Not to mention leaving before my shift would lessen my bond to the alpha and make it even harder for him to track me. As I said the words out loud, allowing my mindset of waiting for my first shift to leave to change, it all made a lot more sense to go now. Tonight.
Simone was dead silent, her eyes huge and filled with tears. She swallowed roughly, more than once, but couldn’t seem to get herself under control.
Reaching out, I placed my hand on hers, squeezing it. “I love you. I would never have gotten through my fucked-up mess of a life without you, but I have to leave. I have to run now and never look back.”
She didn’t argue again, just nodded a few times, tears spilling over and trailing down her cheeks. “Where…” She cleared her throat. “Where will you go?”
I would be a danger for my first few shifts. I had to find a safe place, somewhere deserted with plenty of room for me to run.
“I don’t know,” I admitted truthfully. “But anywhere is better than here.”
She buried her head in her hands, a sob escaping. “This can’t be goodbye.” Her voice was muffled until she lifted her head again. “You’ve been my best friend since we were pups. I mean… Come on, Mera. Think about what you’re giving up.”
Fuck. She was destroying me.
“What about Dannie?” she said. And now we were bringing out the big guns. “You don’t even want to say goodbye to her?”
Simone was not going to let me go without a fight, and I was already so worn down from fighting. “I’ll sleep on it, okay?” I said, trying my best to lighten my tone. “Maybe I can last another month. I mean, what’s a month in the great scheme of time?”
She swiped at her eyes, nodding a few times. “Yes. You can make it another month. I’ll keep you safe. I can do it.”
Reaching across the car, I wrapped my arms tightly around her, just breathing in the faint scents that Simone always carried with her. Lavender from the flowers in her front garden, and aniseed from the licorice she secretly loved. I’d miss that.
When we were done with the emotional sob fest, Simone got her car going again, taking me right to my front door. “I’ll see you tomorrow,” she said, examining my face. It wasn’t a question. She was telling me I better be here tomorrow or she’d beat my ass.
I nodded, forcing a smile. “You got it, babe.”
With one final look at her beautiful face, terrible braid, and kind eyes, I sent out a silent hope that one day I’d be strong enough to return here.
And she’d forgive me for what I planned on doing.
