I woke up with a migraine due to how much I cried last night.
I expected Ledger to text me or call me, but he never did. Not that I want him to. A clean break is better than a messy one.
I hate that my choices from that one night years ago have somehow created another casualty all these years later. How long will the aftershocks from that night continue? Will I feel the ramifications forever?
Sometimes I wonder if we’re all born with equal amounts of good and evil. What if no one person is more or less malevolent than another, and that we all just release our bad at different times, in different ways?
Maybe some of us expel most of our bad behavior as toddlers, while some of us are absolute horrors during the teenage years. And then maybe there are those who expend very little malice until they’re adults, and even then, it just seeps out slowly. A little bit every day until we die.
But then that would mean there are people like me. Those who release their bad all at once—in one horrific night.
When you get all your evil out at once, the impact is much bigger than when it seeps out slowly. The destruction you leave behind covers a much bigger circumference on the map and takes up a much larger space in people’s memories.
I don’t want to believe that there are good people and bad people, and no in-between people. I don’t want to believe I’m worse than anyone else, as if there’s a bucket full of evil somewhere within me that continues to refill every time it runs empty. I don’t want to believe I’m capable of repeating behavior I’ve displayed in the past, but even after all these years, people are still suffering because of me.
Despite the devastation I’ve left in my wake, I am not a bad person. I am not a bad person.
It took five years of weekly therapy sessions to help me realize this. I only recently learned how to say it out loud. “I am not a bad person.”
I’ve been listening to the playlist Ledger made me all morning. It really is just a bunch of songs that have nothing to do with anything sad. I don’t know how he managed to find this many songs. It had to take him forever.
I slide Mary Anne’s headphones over my ears, and I put the playlist on shuffle and start to clean my apartment. I want my security deposit back when I figure out where I’m moving to, so I don’t need a reason for Ruth not to refund it to me. I’ll leave the apartment ten times cleaner than I found it.
I clean for about ten minutes when I start to hear a beat in the song that doesn’t belong. It takes me way too long to realize the beat is actually not in the song.
It’s a knock.
I slip off my headphones and hear it even louder this time. Someone is definitely knocking at my front door. My heart rate speeds up because I don’t want it to be Ledger, but I need it to be Ledger. One more kiss wouldn’t break me. Maybe.
I tiptoe toward the door and look through the peephole.
It’s Ledger.
I press my forehead to the door and try to make the right decision. He’s having a weak moment, but I shouldn’t do this. His weak moments will be my downfall if I cater to them. We’ll just go back and forth until we’re both completely broken.
I open my texts to him on my phone and type out, I’m not opening the door.
I watch him read it through the peephole, but his expression is unwavering. He looks right into the peephole and points down to the doorknob.
Fuck. Why did he have to point? I unlock the dead bolt and open the door just two inches. “Don’t kiss me or touch me or say anything sweet.”
Ledger smiles. “I’ll do my best.”
I open the door cautiously, but he doesn’t even try to come inside once I have the door open. He stands up straight and says, “Do you have a minute?”
I nod. “Yeah. Come in.”
He shakes his head. “Not for me.” His attention moves away from me, and he points inside my apartment, but then he steps away from the door.
Grace walks into my line of sight.
I immediately slap my hand over my mouth, because I wasn’t expecting her and I haven’t been face to face with her since before Scotty died and I had no idea it would knock the breath out of me.
I don’t know what it means. I refuse to let myself think this means anything at all, but there’s too much hope inside me to keep buried in her presence.
I back into my apartment, but tears are spilling from my eyes. There’s so much I want to say to her. So many apologies. So many promises.
Grace steps inside my apartment, and Ledger stays outside but closes the door to give us privacy. I grab a paper towel and wipe at my eyes. It’s pointless. I don’t think I’ve cried like this since I gave birth to Diem and watched them take her away from me.
“I’m not here to upset you,” Grace says. Her voice is gentle. So is her expression.
I shake my head. “It’s not . . . I’m sorry. I need a minute before I can . . . talk.”
Grace motions toward the sofa. “Can we sit?”
I nod, and we both take a seat on the couch. Grace watches me for a moment, probably judging my tears, wondering if they’re real or forced.
She reaches into her pocket and pulls something out. At first I think it’s a handkerchief, but upon closer inspection, I realize it’s a small black velvet bag. Grace hands me the bag, and I have no idea why.
I pull the strings to loosen the opening to the velvet bag, and then I dump the contents into my palm.
I gasp. “What? How?” I’m holding the ring I fell in love with all those years ago when Scotty took me to the antique store. The four-thousand-dollar gold ring with the pink stone that he couldn’t afford. I’ve never told anyone that story, so I’m extremely confused as to how Grace is in possession of this ring. “How do you even have this?”
“Scotty called me the day you two saw the ring. He said he wasn’t ready to propose to you, but that he already knew what ring he was going to propose with when the time came. He couldn’t afford it, but he was afraid someone else was going to buy it before he got the chance. We let him borrow the money. He gave me the ring and made me promise to keep it in a safe place until he could pay us back.”
My hands are shaking as I put the ring on my finger. I can’t believe Scotty did that.
Grace releases a quick rush of air. “I’ll be honest, Kenna. I didn’t want that ring after he died. And I didn’t want you to have it because I was so mad at you. But when we found out Diem was a girl, I decided to hold on to it. Just in case I wanted to pass it on to her someday. But after giving it some thought . . . that’s really not my decision to make. I want you to have it. Scotty bought it for you.”
There’s too much coursing through me to process this, so it takes me a moment to recover. I shake my head. I’m too scared to believe her. I don’t even allow the words to sink in. “Thank you.”
Grace reaches over and squeezes my hand, prompting me to look at her. “I promised Ledger I wouldn’t tell you this, but . . . he gave us one of the letters you wrote to Scotty.”
I’m shaking my head even though she isn’t finished talking. How did Ledger get one of those letters? Which one did he give them?
“He made me read it last night.” Her expression falls. “After hearing your version of events, I was even more devastated and angry than I was before I read it. It was so hard . . . hearing all the details. I cried all night. But this morning when I woke up, it was as if an overwhelming sensation of peace had washed over me. Today was the first morning I didn’t wake up angry at you.” She wipes at the tears now sliding down her face. “All these years, I assumed your silence in the courtroom was indifference. I assumed you left him in that car because you only cared for yourself and didn’t want to get in legal trouble. Maybe I assumed all those things because it was easier to have someone to blame for such a horrific and pointless loss. And I know your grief shouldn’t bring me peace, Kenna. But it’s so much easier to understand you now than when I assumed you never grieved at all.” Grace reaches toward a strand of hair that’s fallen loose from my ponytail, and she brushes it gently behind my ear. It’s something a mother would do, and I don’t understand it. I don’t know how she can go from hating me to forgiving me in such a short amount of time, so I continue to be wary of this moment. But the tears in her eyes feel like the truth. “I am so sorry, Kenna.” She says that with such sincerity. “I’m responsible for keeping you from your daughter for five years, and there’s no excuse for that. The only thing I can do is make sure you don’t go another day without knowing her.”
My hand is trembling when I bring it to my chest. “I . . . I get to meet her?”
Grace nods, and then she hugs me when I fall apart. She runs a soothing hand over the back of my head and allows me several minutes to absorb everything that’s happening.
This is everything I’ve ever wanted, and it’s coming at me all at once. It’s both physically and emotionally overwhelming. I’ve had dreams like this before. Dreams where Grace shows up to forgive me and lets me meet Diem, but then I wake up alone and realize it was a cruel nightmare. Please let this be real.
“Ledger is probably dying not knowing what’s going on in here.” She stands up and walks to the door to open it for him.
Ledger’s eyes search frantically until they land on mine. When I smile at him, he immediately relaxes, as if my smile is the only thing that mattered in this moment.
He pulls Grace in for a hug first. I hear him whisper, “Thank you,” against her ear.
She looks at me before she leaves my apartment. “I’m making lasagna tonight. I want you to come for dinner.”
I agree with a nod. Grace leaves, and Ledger is wrapping me in his arms before she even closes the door.
“Thank you, thank you, thank you.” I say it over and over, because I know this would never have happened if it weren’t for him. “Thank you.” I kiss him. “Thank you.” When I finally stop thanking and kissing him long enough to pull back and look him in the eye, I see he’s crying too. It fills me with a sense of gratitude like I’ve never known.
I am so grateful for him. To him.
This might be the exact moment I fall in love with Ledger Ward.
“I’m about to be sick.”
“Want me to pull over?”
I shake my head. “No. Drive faster.”
Ledger squeezes my knee reassuringly.
It was torture having to wait until this afternoon to make our way to Patrick and Grace’s house. I wanted him to take me to Diem as soon as Grace left my apartment, but I want everything to be on their terms. I’ll be as patient as I need to be.
I’m going to respect their rules. I’ll respect their timeline, and their choices, and their wishes. I’m going to show them as much respect as I know they’ve shown my daughter.
I know they’re good people. Scotty loved them. They’re just also hurt people, so I respect the time they needed to come to this decision.
I’m nervous I’m going to do something wrong. Say something wrong. The only other time I’ve been inside their house was such a series of missteps, and I need this time to be different because there’s so much at stake.
We pull into Ledger’s driveway, but we don’t immediately get out of the truck. He gives me a pep talk and kisses me about ten times, but then I become more nervous and excited than I’ve ever been, and the emotions all start to run together. If I don’t get it over with, I might explode.
He holds my hand tightly in his as we cross the street, and walk across grass Diem has played on, and knock on the door to the house Diem lives in.
Don’t cry. Don’t cry. Don’t cry.
I’m squeezing Ledger’s hand like I’m in the middle of an intense contraction.
The door finally opens, and standing right in front of me is Patrick. He looks nervous, but he somehow smiles through it. He pulls me in for a hug, and it isn’t just a forced hug because I’m standing in front of him, or because his wife encouraged him to hug me.
It’s a hug full of so many things. Enough things that when Patrick pulls away, he has to wipe at his eyes. “Diem is out back with her turtle,” he says, motioning down the hallway.
There are no harsh words from him, no negative energy. I don’t know if now is the right time to apologize, but since Patrick is pointing us toward Diem’s location, I feel like they want to save whatever sits between the three of us for later.
Ledger holds my hand as we walk into the house. I’ve been in the house before and I’ve been in the backyard before, so there’s a sense of familiarity that’s comforting. But everything else is frightening. What if she doesn’t like me? What if she’s mad at me?
Grace appears from the kitchen, and I pause before we head to the backyard. I look at Grace. “What have you told her? About my absence? I just want to make sure . . .”
Grace shakes her head. “We really haven’t talked to her about you at all. She asked once why she didn’t live with her mother, and I told her your car wasn’t big enough.”
I laugh nervously. “What?”
Grace shrugs. “I panicked. I didn’t know what to say.”
My car isn’t big enough? I can work with that. In my mind, I had feared they had poisoned her against me. I should have known better.
“We thought we’d leave the rest up to you,” Patrick says. “We weren’t sure how much you wanted her to know.”
I nod and smile and try not to cry. I look at Ledger, and he’s like an anchor by my side, keeping me steady. “Will you come with me?”
We walk toward the back door. I can see her sitting in the grass. I watch her from the screen door for a couple of minutes, wanting to take in everything about her before whatever comes next. I’m scared of what comes next. Terrified, really. This is almost the exact same feeling as being in labor with her. I was terrified, in uncharted territory, but also full of more hope and excitement and love than I’d ever felt.
Ledger eventually gives me an encouraging nudge, so I open the door. Diem looks up and sees Ledger and me standing on the back porch. She gives me a quick glance, but when her eyes land on Ledger, she lights up. She runs to him, and he catches her in his arms.
I get a whiff of strawberry shampoo.
I have a daughter who smells like strawberries.
Ledger sits on the back porch swing with Diem and points to the empty seat next to him, so I take a seat with them. Diem is in his lap, looking at me as she curls up to Ledger.
“Diem, this is my friend Kenna.”
Diem smiles at me, and it almost sends me to the floor. “Do you want to see my turtle?” she asks, perking up.
“I’d love to.”
Her tiny little hand grips two of my fingers, and she slides off Ledger and pulls me. I glance at Ledger as I stand, and he gives me a reassuring nod. Diem takes me to the grass, and she plops down next to her turtle.
I lie down on the other side of her turtle so that I’m facing Diem. “What’s his name?”
“Ledger.” She giggles and holds up the turtle. “He looks just like him.”
I laugh, and she’s trying to get her turtle to come out of his shell, but I can’t stop staring at her. Seeing her on video is one experience, but getting to be near her and feel her energy is like a rebirth.
“Want to see my jungle gym? I got it for my birthday—I turn five next week.” Diem is running toward her jungle gym, so I follow her. I glance back at Ledger, and he’s still sitting on the porch swing, watching us.
Diem pokes her head out of the jungle gym and says, “Ledger, can you put Ledger in his tank so he doesn’t get lost?”
“Sure will,” he says, standing.
Diem grabs my hand and pulls me inside the jungle gym, where she sits down in the center of it. I feel more comfortable here. No one can see us, and that puts me a little more at ease knowing people aren’t judging how I interact with her in this moment.
“This used to be my daddy’s,” Diem says. “NoNo and Ledger put it back together for me.”
“I knew your daddy.”
“Were you his friend?”
I smile. “I was his girlfriend. I loved him very much.”
Diem giggles. “I didn’t know my daddy had a girlfriend.”
I see so much of Scotty in her right now. In that laugh. I have to look away from her face because the tears start to fall.
Diem notices my tears, though. “Why are you sad? Do you miss him?”
I nod, wiping away my tears. “I do miss him, but that’s not why I’m crying. I’m crying because I’m so happy I finally get to meet you.”
Diem cocks her head and says, “Why?”
She’s three whole feet away from me, and I just want to hold her and hug her. I pat the spot right in front of me. “Come closer. I want to tell you something.”
Diem crawls toward me and sits with her legs crossed.
“I know we’ve never met before, but . . .” I don’t even know how to say this, so I just say it in the simplest way. “I’m your mother.”
Diem’s eyes fill with something, but I don’t know what her expressions mean yet. I don’t know if that’s surprise or curiosity. “Really?”
I smile at her. “I am. You grew inside my tummy. And then when you were born, Nana and NoNo took care of you for me because I couldn’t.”
“Did you get a bigger car?”
I release a laugh. I’m glad they gave me that tidbit of information, or I would have no idea what she’s referring to. “I actually don’t have a car anymore. But I will soon. I just couldn’t wait to meet you, so Ledger gave me a ride. I’ve been wanting to meet you for so long.”
Diem doesn’t have much of a reaction. She just smiles. And then she crawls across the grass and starts flipping tic-tac-toe squares that make up a part of the wall of the jungle gym. “You should come to my T-ball game. It’s my last one.” She spins one of the letters on the wall.
“I would love to come watch you play T-ball.”
“Someday I’m gonna do that thing with the swords, though,” Diem says. “Hey, do you know how to play this game?”
I nod and move close to her so I can show her how to play tic-tac-toe.
I realize that this moment isn’t nearly as monumental to Diem as it is to me. I’ve played out a million scenarios in my head of how this would go, and in every scenario, Diem was either sad or angry that it took me so long to be a part of her life.
But she truly didn’t even know that I was missing.
I’m so grateful for that. All these years of worry and devastation have all been one sided, which means Diem has been whole and happy and fulfilled.
I couldn’t have asked for a better outcome. It’s like I just get to slip into her life without so much as a ripple.
Diem grabs my hand and says, “I don’t want to play this, let’s go to the swings.” She abandons the game, and we crawl out of the center of the jungle gym. She climbs into a swing and says, “I forgot your name.”
“It’s Kenna.” I say that with a smile because I know I’ll never have to lie to anyone about my name again.
“Will you push me?”
I push her on the swing, and she starts telling me about a movie Ledger took her to see recently.
Ledger walks out onto the porch and sees us talking. He comes over to us and stands behind me, wrapping his arms around me. He kisses the side of my head, right when Diem turns and looks at us. “Gross!”
Ledger kisses the side of my head again and says, “Get used to it, D.”
Ledger takes over pushing Diem’s swing, and I sit down in the swing next to her and watch them. Diem tips her head back and looks at Ledger. “Are you gonna marry my mom?”
I should probably have a reaction to the marriage part of that question, but my brain only focuses on the fact that she just said my mom.
“I don’t know. We still need to get to know each other better.” Ledger looks at me and smiles. “Maybe one of these days I’ll be worthy enough to marry her.”
“What does worthy mean?” she asks.
“It means good enough.”
“You’re good enough,” Diem says. “That’s why I named my turtle Ledger.” She tilts her head back again and looks at him. “I’m thirsty, will you bring me a juice?”
“Go get it yourself,” he says.
I get out of the swing. “I’ll get you a juice.”
I hear Ledger mutter to her, “You’re so rotten,” as I walk away.
Diem laughs. “I am not!”
When I go inside, I watch them from the back door for a moment. They’re adorable together. She’s adorable. I’m scared I’m about to wake up and realize none of this actually happened, but I know it’s happening. And I know I’ll eventually embrace that I deserve this. Maybe after I finally have a real conversation with the Landrys.
I walk into the kitchen to find Grace cooking. “She wants some juice,” I say as I enter.
Grace’s hands are full of chopped tomatoes, and she drops them into a salad. “It’s in the fridge.”
I grab a juice and observe Grace as she prepares dinner. I want to be more helpful and interactive with her than I was the first time Scotty brought me to this house. “How can I help?”
Grace smiles at me. “You don’t have to. Go spend time with your daughter.”
I start to walk out of the kitchen, but my steps feel so heavy. I have so much I want to say to Grace that I didn’t have the chance to say to her earlier today at my apartment. I turn around, and I’m sorry is on the tip of my tongue, but I feel like if I open my mouth, I’ll cry.
My eyes meet Grace’s, and she can see the agony in my expression.
“Grace . . .” My voice is a whisper.
She immediately walks over to me and pulls me in for a hug.
It’s an amazing hug. A forgiving hug. “Hey,” she says, soothingly. “Hey, listen to me.” She pulls back, and we’re about the same height, so we’re eye to eye when she takes the juice from me and sets it aside. Then she squeezes both of my hands reassuringly. “We go forward,” she says. “That’s it. It’s that simple. I forgive you and you forgive me, and we go forward together and give that little girl the best life we can give her. Okay?”
I nod, because I can do that. I forgive them. I’ve always forgiven them.
It’s myself I’ve been hard on. But I think I’ve reached the point that forgiving myself finally feels okay.
So I do.
You’re forgiven, Kenna.
