THANKSGIVING DINNER COULD BE TACOS, a salad, or even McDonald’s. So long as you were with a family that loved one another, it was special. Holidays brought waves of frustration and happiness for me.
My mother called just before we sat down to dinner.
“Happy Thanksgiving, Mom.”
“Happy Thanksgiving, Victory,” she replied softly, her heartfelt tone completely genuine. My mother loved me. She just loved me so much she smothered me and tried to protect me from the one thing she couldn’t. “How’s your day?”
“Great.” I glanced up at Jett who nodded at me and left me in the foyer to give me privacy. “I’m having a great time with my friends. I needed it this year.”
“I get that.” The softness in her voice carried over as if trying to appease me. “I understand we don’t see eye to eye on your care, honey.”
“It’s okay, Mom. It’s the holiday. We don’t have to discuss it now.”
“I don’t know when to discuss it though,” she confessed, her voice breaking a little.
The guilt trapped me, weighted me down in a way I couldn’t escape. I closed my eyes and leaned into the wall, hoping it would provide even the least bit of support. “Maybe you can come visit me this weekend.”
“Okay!” She spat out so fast, I instantly regretted it. “I’ll bring your father. We’ll make a day of it. The nutritionist said he’s had a hard time getting ahold of you.”
I opened my mouth to give an excuse.
She rushed on though. “No worries. I told him you got a new job, sweetie. It’s hard to keep up with everything. I made a list of the changes he felt might help. And your doctor’s appointment is tomorrow, right?”
I winced because I’d lied about setting up that appointment. I needed to find a new doctor in the area and make one. The idea of revisiting my whole medical history made me nauseous. “Yeah. Um, it was a day I had off. So, I figured I would get it out of the way.”
“That’s so wonderful. Have you called the doctor’s office to send over your medical history or is that something I can help you with?”
My mother was a businesswoman on a mission. She knew just the right question to ask. “I have it handled, Mom.”
“Just making sure.” She laughed lightly. “I’m so excited to see you on Saturday. Text me your address, and we’ll be there by lunch, okay?”
“Sure, Mom.”
“I love you so much, Victory. Have a wonderful Thanksgiving. Make sure you follow your dietary guidelines tonight. I know it’s hard on the holidays but—”
“I’m fine, Mom.” I kept a firm hold on my voice to stop the aggravation from bleeding through.
“Oh, your dad wants to talk with you, of course.”
I peered around the corner, and all the Stonewoods seemed to be carrying on just fine.
“How you doing, Ms. MIA?”
“Oh, you know, still here.”
“Damn right you are. Thanksgiving isn’t the same without you here,” he grumbled, and I knew he was walking away from my mother.
“I know, Dad.”
“I miss you. She misses you. She might not say it outright, but she’s just coping in her own way.” He always felt the need to explain her to me, as if I didn’t understand.
“There’s no need to cope with anything. I’m fine here. I’m really, really enjoying the city and my job.”
“I know, Vick. I know. She doesn’t have her job or you to manage anymore though. She’s an empty nester on steroids,” he chuckled.
My gut clenched a little at hearing the deep rumble that was so friendly, so soothing, so much a reminder of what home and the holidays were with him. “I’ll be home for Christmas. We’ll decorate the tree together. I’ll come home for it, okay?”
“Yeah, yeah. Don’t come for my benefit. I can handle her. I just think you need to face each other soon. Something’s gotta give.”
“Okay,” I whispered.
“She’s getting antsy. So, if you mean for her to visit this weekend, mean it. But just know, she’s antsy.”
‘Antsy’ was code for my mother losing her sanity.
I hummed into the phone and told him I loved him. I didn’t want to think about the weekend now or how to deal with my mother. I needed to enjoy the today. Every holiday deserved enjoyment, deserved loved ones laughing together if they had the good fortune to be in one another’s company.
My mouth watered at the rich aroma of roasted turkey as I entered the dining room. The warmth from the gathered bodies intensified the scent of the sweet apple candles, dissolving every concern weighting down my shoulders. I smiled at Brey and Jaydon laughing over their drinks.
“You guys,” I waltzed over to them and eyed the liquid steaming from their mugs. “I’m behind already, aren’t I?”
“Nancy spiked the tea hard this time,” Brey admitted with a giggle. “Jaydon, go get her one.”
He winked and clapped me on the shoulder, “I got you.”
As he disappeared into the kitchen, Brey whispered to me, “Nancy wants us girls to take a walk. Jax and Jett are off somewhere talking about his app.”
“Oh.” I ran my hand over the mahogany dining room table. The grain pooled beautifully in places, and yet the gloss smoothed the surface to glass. “Are we eating in here?”
Brey straightened her black jumpsuit. “No. Nancy thinks the table is too big. I think Jax’s dad had this room decorated for business dinners back in the day.”
The rich tones and dark woods definitely screamed luxury and wealth. “Where are we going to eat then?”
Brey pointed toward the kitchen. “There’s another dining area on the other side of the kitchen.”
Nancy breezed in with Jaydon, who held a drink for me.
“Should we go for a walk?”
Jaydon handed over a white mug with dark steaming liquid inside it. “I’m coming for the walk,” he announced.
“It’s just us girls,” Nancy softly corrected him.
“Girls are my best friends, Mom. I’m coming.” Jaydon held his ground and when his mom didn’t say anything, he started toward the door. “You’re all going to need coats. It’s getting chilly.”
We bundled up and stepped into the cool outdoors. Brey and Nancy discussed a few of the neighbors as we strolled the small town’s streets. I listened quietly while I absorbed the suburban atmosphere.
Brey had grown up next door, but the house was long gone. It had been torn down a few years after the fire and someone had built a brand new place on the lot. She glanced at it as we passed, and I wondered if she felt erased or forgotten.
Maybe she wanted that, to feel that part of her life was gone, but grappling with the invisibility of something so traumatic rattled a person.
I wanted to forget my cancer. Every hospital I passed, every clinic I avoided going to, every nutritionist phone call I declined popped holes in my confidence of being able to move on from my past.
The wind picked up, and we burrowed further into our sweaters and scarves. Leaves flew circles around us and the crisp autumn air reminded us that winter could, and most likely would, be bitingly cold.
We rounded their block, and a lake rippled with ducks and geese up ahead.
“This is my favorite place,” Brey said, then sighed at the view. The sun reflected millions of diamonds off the surface of the water. She continued on, “I found myself and my family here.”
“We found you too.” Nancy put her arm around Brey and squeezed. “Your mom would have been so proud of you. She’d think I need grandchildren soon, but …”
We all laughed at Nancy’s blatant entreaty. The woman was desperate for grandbabies and Brey had been like a daughter to her for so long that her marriage being only months old made no difference.
“Jax and I need time to work on ourselves before we bring a little human into this world.”
“That never stops, Brey,” Nancy sighed. “You’ll be working on yourselves forever. Look at me and Joe.”
I couldn’t control my eyes widening a bit. No one called that man by his first name. To hear her do it felt wrong, and yet she did it with no hesitation, like she wasn’t at all intimidated by him.
“Dad needs to work on himself, Mom,” Jaydon blurted out. “Not you.”
“You were a mama’s boy from the second I birthed you, Jaydon,” Nancy teased.
“And I’ll be one till the day I die,” he chuckled.
“You might take my side, but I need to work on myself too. I need to work at a lot of things if we are going to really give this relationship a go. Everyone compromises in relationships.”
Nancy said the words while looking at me, like I needed to read between the lines.
“Your dad quit the company, but he’ll never quit working. He loves it too much.” She sighed. “I love that about him too. We needed balance when you were children though.”
“You Stonewoods don’t balance anything very well,” Brey murmured.
Jaydon bumped his shoulder into hers. “You’re a Stonewood, too, Sass Pot. You don’t balance well either.”
“I do too,” she contested.
“You work long hours and you’re barely considering making me an uncle and my mom a grandma.”
Her green eyes flared, and she shoved her shoulder harder into his. “I’m supposed to give you a niece or nephew when you’re barely in town? No thanks.”
“That’s what uncles do! They fly into town, spoil the kids, and fly out. I have to make movies. I’m over there trying to make this world feel something.”
“Your rom-coms are really making people feel things, all right,” she mumbled and looked at me. “Did you see his last rom-com? He barely said two words.”
“Well, in Jaydon’s defense, no one really wanted him or his costar to talk anyway. Them walking around in their swimsuits the whole movie was enough for everyone.” I smiled sweetly at Jaydon and he glared at me with betrayal in his eyes.
“You love my abs just like every other woman in the world.”
I shrugged and sipped on the remains of my hot spiked tea. “I’m not denying that. It’s why the movie did so well.”
“Agreed,” Nancy chimed in. “You got paid solely for your workout schedule and not your acting skills with that one. Hopefully, you’ll pick a better story line for the next movie.”
“Mom!” Jaydon whined but the smile creeping across his face said he could take the heat and knew we were right. “You’re supposed to be on my side always.”
“I’m a mother of truth. Not lies. That movie was awful, honey.”
He guffawed at that, and the sounds of the holiday—of us laughing and sharing jokes—rolled through the wind and over the lake.
“LA is expensive and that movie paid the bills,” he admitted.
Brey shrugged. “You have more talent than that, Jaydon. The world is waiting to see it.”
He sobered and stared out at the lake. He didn’t comment, but I saw the look in his eyes. I saw the doubt we all carry in ourselves. “If you say so, Sass Pot.”
I waited for Nancy to jump in and push him. My mother would have. She would have driven home my talent, explained what it was to be a Blakely, and ground my doubt into dust.
Nancy didn’t say a thing. She rubbed her son’s back and then she turned toward her beautiful home to announce, “Let’s get back, huh? Dinner should be ready soon.”
We walked back through some woods and up a hill. Nancy fell into step beside me as Brey and Jaydon chatted behind us.
“I meant what I said before,” she murmured, not facing me.
I tilted my head, trying to remember her words. “I’m sorry?”
“Everyone compromises in relationships.”
“Oh. Right,” I agreed, not knowing where the conversation was going but sure this woman was going to try to mold me into the person she wanted for her son. I didn’t blame her for it. Every mother wanted the best for their child. I just didn’t know if I would agree with her, if I could compromise any more of my life for Jett. I had compromised so much just to be here.
“He works too much. He doesn’t bend. He’s insanely controlling. He used to make his two brothers sit down for class in the middle of summer, I kid you not. He would instruct them. He was born to be the businessman he is. I know that. I just honestly don’t know if he has it in him to be anything else.”
I wanted to say something to make her feel better, but her words dried up the water that had fed the hope flower blooming in my soul.
“I love him. It’s why I’m warning you. He never brings women home for the holidays. He wants something with you. I can’t quite figure out if he has it in him to give a woman what she needs though.” Her laugh skittered into the wind, filled with sadness. “I’m not sure because he’s like his father, and I still struggle every single day to figure out if that man can give me what I need. I see that look in your eyes. It’s the same look I’ve had for years. You love him.”
I stopped her. “I don’t.” I was falling but I wasn’t there yet. Or so I kept telling myself.
“You may think that now. But you’ll see. You will if you don’t already. You’re worried that you’ll never get the love you put in returned, and I’m here telling you I honestly don’t know that you will. I wish I could say differently because I really, really want grandkids.”
A sad laugh burst out of me. I let it overtake me so it could suppress the sudden need to cry.
Nancy grabbed and held my hand the rest of the way home.
Dinner with the Stonewoods didn’t make me feel any better. We sat at a small table in a brightly lit room, everyone shoved together so close our legs touched the person next to us. Jett took advantage and held my thigh through most of the dinner. The crackling fire added to the cozy ambience. I drank extra liquor and tried to immerse myself in the comfort of a close family that loved one another.
Jett left the window open that night and we snuggled close, keeping warm with just our body heat.
I stayed up much later than anyone else in that house. I’d smiled through dinner and enjoyed everyone’s company, but Nancy’s words echoed through me; they played on repeat over and over again.
As Jett held me close, I wondered if it was better to risk the time I wasn’t sure I had on a man who made me feel like life could be firework after firework, each time with him a flash of sparkling color. Or was that time a waste? Would it be better spent on a man sure to deliver my dream of marriage and what I thought was ultimate happiness?
My mind spun a web of possibilities.
Jett and I drove home late Friday. I sent him off with the excuse that my parents were coming to town the next morning.
Yet, that weekend I cocooned myself away from the world. I didn’t answer Jett’s call, and I didn’t invite him over. I ignored every one of my mother’s calls and didn’t text her my address. I retreated into myself, swallowed up by the what ifs and the angry voice inside that said maybe I had no time to waste, maybe that terrible enemy that was cancer would take me quicker than I had anticipated.
The fear overcame me and I let it.
I let the dread and the anxiety and the depression creep back in. I dug through my closet, pulled out the old photos and hospital papers and proof of the wreckage that had been my life. I shed ugly tears, drowning myself in the tragedy. I wanted to be happy. I should have been happy. Yet, I let the cancer I was supposed to have beaten consume me and dictate my life.
I was to blame for the days that came after, no matter what anyone says. I was responsible for the devastation that found me.
