MARE
Why didn’t you tell me Cade was the one picking me up and not you?
PIPPA
Because you get weird when I bring him up.
Are you on your way?
MARE
I don’t get weird.
And yes. We just left.
PIPPA
You definitely get weird. See you soon!
I TUCK my phone back into my lap. I’d love to scroll aimlessly on one of my social media accounts, or at least catch up on the emails piling up in my inbox, but I do neither. Soon we’ll be driving through the mountains and overpasses. If I stare down at my lap too much, I’ll get car sick. The last thing I plan on doing in the excruciating two hours I’m stuck with Cade is throwing up the complimentary snacks from the flight.
I brave a peek at him from the corner of my eye. He’s only gotten better looking with age. Why can’t he look silly in a backward cap? He’s closer to thirty than he is twenty. He shouldn’t look so damn hot in something he wore as a teenager. I don’t even want to take the time to really get to know the new, defined muscles that line his arms. I wish it wasn’t off season and the weather wasn’t so nice. Then I’d see him in his usual flannel shirt or weathered sweatshirt, both options keeping his improved physique a secret.
I have no such luck. His Jennings Ranch T-shirt fits him too perfectly. It hugs the bulging muscles that weren’t as pronounced when I last saw him—back when he was twenty-two.
“How’s your dad?” I ask, leaning back in the seat to get more comfortable.
Cade whistles under his breath. “Terrible. I’ve never seen him like this. It’s like he’s there but not there, you know?”
I nod, staring at the mountains coming into view through the windshield. There’s snow on the very top, greens and grays covering the rest. “Yeah, I do,” I whisper. My mind flashes to the years after Momma died. Daddy was never the same after she passed. He rarely laughed. Most of the time he didn’t even realize that another human was sharing that little cabin in the woods with him. He buried himself in work…but I found a way to not be lonely. I found a second home with Cade and Pippa’s family. Every single one of them were there for me when I was a lonely child. But it still made me sad for my dad. He didn’t have a new family like I did. He didn’t want one.
Cade’s knuckles hit the dashboard. “Shit, I’m sorry. If anyone knows what this is like, it’s you.”
I swallow, trying to keep my emotions at bay. Truthfully, the hardest part about losing Momma was seeing Daddy’s reaction to it.
The day he told me he was moving from Sutten and getting a fresh start somewhere else was the first moment I felt hope for him. When he told me he met a woman, and when he ended up privately marrying his now wife, Suzie, four years ago, I’d never felt such relief. I know Momma will always hold a place in his heart, but the absence does get easier with time. Or at least more bearable. I want to tell Cade this, but I hold my tongue.
Sometimes when you’re grieving you don’t want to be told things will get better. You just want to feel the pain without people making false promises. With death nothing gets better. They’re still gone. Things just get more tolerable to deal with.
“There’s nothing to be sorry about. I asked because I wanted to know. Because I care.”
Cade briefly glances over at me. His dark eyebrows bunch together on his forehead like he’s deep in thought. I rest my head against the cold glass window. There was a time where he’d openly tell me what was on his mind. I wonder if he’d tell me what he’s thinking about if I were to ask him.
Because I’m a masochist—and apparently enjoy being hurt when it comes to him—I decide to ask. “What’s on your mind?”
The muscles running along his sharp jawline flex. He works his jaw back and forth, like he’s fighting the urge to say whatever he wants to say.
“Cade?” I prod. My heartbeat picks up inside my chest. If he gives me a one word answer, or worse, tells me nothing, I’ll have to accept that he’s a much different person than the one I grew up with. I might have to unfortunately accept that he may not open up to me the way he used to.
Time may not have healed all wounds when it comes to us. There still might be too many hard memories between us for things to go back to the way they used to be—before he broke my heart.
Unlike the Cade I used to know, music isn’t pouring from the speakers of his truck. It makes the silence between us even more deafening. I’m moments away from telling him to forget about it when he lets out a loud sigh.
“I was just thinking how much she’d love to know that you’re back. If it were under different circumstances, that is.” His voice is low and much more hoarse than it was before. There’s still a hint of anger to it, but it’s a soft kind of angry. His words cut deep. I should’ve come back more. It was just too hard. I was too afraid to face the man seated next to me. I was naïve enough to think one day it wouldn’t hurt to come back. And that I’d have countless more years with Linda. I was wrong about both.
“I should’ve come back more.”
He nods, fixing the ball cap on his head. “Yeah. You should’ve.”
I have to look away from him, turning to face the window as I try to rein in my emotions. When Cade reaches in front of him and turns on the radio, I let out a sigh of relief. The truth is, I don’t have a good enough excuse to explain my absence. At the time, I thought it was the only excuse needed. My heart was broken, and I couldn’t face the man who broke it. I thought because Pippa came to college with me, and I saw Linda and Jasper when they came up to visit, that everything was fine. Pippa went back to Sutten when we graduated, and I told her I couldn’t go with her.
I’d secured a major book deal, on the first book I wrote, shortly after moving to Chicago. Life got busy, my heart didn’t heal, and I never got the nerve to return to Sutten.
But I should have.
Every time Linda called to catch up, I could tell she wanted me to come home. If I wasn’t so selfish, I would have. Deep down, I knew I’d always feel hurt, no matter how much time passed. If I would’ve pushed past it I wouldn’t be living with the deep regret I am now, knowing my time with her was cut short.
It takes everything in me to keep the tears welling up in my eyes at bay. Cade just lost his mom. He has every right to be angry with me for not coming home to see her. I’m not the one who should be crying. I don’t deserve to feel this sad when I never made the effort to come home.
If he notices the war I’m having with my emotions, he doesn’t say anything. In fact, he turns the music up. The old song floating through the speakers takes me back to a memory many years ago.
