MY FEET ACHE in my boots as I walk up the stairs to the main house. Every night before going back to the cabin, I come by and check on Dad. I know he’s got to be lonely in this big, empty house. Even though we spend a lot of time together during the day, I can’t help but want to check in on him before I go to bed for the night.
Today was hard. It’s been a week since Goldie and I watched each other get ourselves off over the phone, and it’s been getting harder and harder to be away from each other. I think it’s in part due to the fact that we’re both so busy right now it’s hard to make time for one another.
She’s almost done with the book, and I’ve been helping Dad prepare for winter. Even though it’s only early fall, there’s still a lot we have to do before the first frost. I want to make sure I help Dad as much as possible, to shoulder what I can of the ranch so he can take some time for himself, to heal from Mom.
It’s been months since Mom died, and Dad is still a shell of the person that he used to be. It’s not as bad as it first was when she passed over the summer, but he still doesn’t smile the way he used to.
I don’t know what else to do but be here and show up for him. But it also hurts because the duty to the ranch is getting in the way of me being able to fly out to Mare.
It’s a fucking mess, and I don’t know how to fix it. Mare and I are good, we’re strong, and I know we’ll make it through this. But it doesn’t mean I don’t fucking miss her like crazy.
My boots thump against the hardwood floor as I walk through the main room.
“Dad?” I yell, not finding him in the kitchen.
“In here,” Dad responds from down the hall. I walk the house until I find him in his office.
It’s weird seeing him sitting at his desk, hunched over a calculator that’s ancient and a laptop that probably needed to be replaced five years ago. After Mom died, he avoided his office like crazy. Even though it was technically his office, it was where they spent most of their time together. Her sitting in her chair in the corner keeping herself busy as he worked.
“You just getting done?” Dad asks, typing something into the calculator before looking up at me.
I nod, taking a seat in the recliner in the corner of the room. “Yeah.” I groan, my body melding into the recliner Mom used to sit in and read her books.
“You know you can take a break,” Dad says, pulling a pair of reading glasses from his face.
“I’m not the one still working.”
He gives me his typical warning look that I got plenty of times as a child.
I shrug. “You can’t tell me I don’t have a point.”
He lets out an annoyed sigh. “I’m old. Without your mother here, work is kind of my life, son. But it doesn’t have to be that way for you.”
My heart feels heavy at the mention of Mom. Of knowing how hard it still probably is for him to be without her. I can’t fucking imagine not having Mare. Even the years we spent apart I could tolerate because I knew she was somewhere else, following her dreams. I knew she was happy.
But I can’t fucking think about what it’d be like if she was just…gone.
I shake my head, trying to rid myself of the thought. There’s no fucking way I can approach thinking of that. I’ve really got to find time to go to her, to go to Mare and see her. Hug her. Touch her. Remind her that I’m hers however long our forever will be.
“I’ll take more time for myself once winter sets in.”
Sutten Mountain becomes crazy around ski season. Tourists descend upon our small town, all of them wanting to take their winter vacations here. Things slow down for us at that time. We can’t do trail rides in the snow, so we don’t have to worry about catering to any clients. It’s just making sure the ranch stays running and the horses stay happy and healthy.
Dad taps his knuckles against his desk. “No.”
My head rears back. “What?”
“I’m not going to let you work yourself ragged because you feel like you have to for me.”
My mouth snaps shut. I think through my words, not knowing what to say back to Dad. He’s caught me off guard. “I’m not doing anything because of you. This ranch will be mine one day. I want to hold my own.”
“Why haven’t you gone to Chicago yet?”
“Because you’ve needed help.”
“I’m not asking for help now.”
I sigh, running my hands over my thighs. “We’re not even close to bailing enough hay to last us through the winter. There are four more pastures that need to be turned. I’ve got to update some of the—”
“Yes, there are things that have to be done. And while I appreciate you working yourself to death to help me, I’m better now. I’m present. As present as I can be. I can do this. You held this ranch together when your mother left us, but it’s time for you to take a break.”
I swallow, not knowing what else to do at the impact of his words. They do something to me, making emotions I’ve tried to stifle in this time away from Mare bubble up to the surface. “I miss Mare like crazy, Dad. I want to go see her, but I don’t want you to have to do everything on your own.”
“Do you know Linda used to go on and on about you two?”
“Pippa and me?”
Dad grunts. “No. You and Marigold. As soon as Mare became a teenager, she was always watching you. Your mom knew that girl was wild about you.”
“It seems like everyone noticed that but me.”
“She noticed the moment things changed between you and Marigold. I can hear her voice so clearly in my head. ‘Did you see the way they looked at one another at dinner, Jasper? Our son is crazy about Marigold. I don’t know if I’ve ever seen two people as in love as those two.’ It was all she wanted to talk about at night,” he says. “It made her so happy to see the two of you happy. It hurt her fragile heart when it was clear things had changed between you and Marigold.”
“Dad,” I croak. My eyes sting from the memories. At the knowledge that she so clearly knew everything happening between Mare and me.
“Your mom couldn’t wait for the day the two of you would find each other again. She was devastated when Mare left and didn’t come back. But she always had hope that the two of you would find each other again.”
Guilt seeps into my bones. If I would’ve handled that summer years ago better, maybe my mom would’ve been able to see Mare more.
“Now you’re with her, and you both are happy, but I can tell you’re not truly happy, son. You need to go to Marigold.”
“Who will help you?”
He swats at the air. “We’ve hired two new people in the last month. What are we paying them for if they’re not helping?”
“You know what I mean.”
“I do. You feel a responsibility not only to this ranch, but to me, and while I love you for it, son, I need you to make a different decision.”
I open my mouth to argue, but he holds his calloused hand up to stop me. “Your mother would want you to be with Marigold. It was all she ever wanted. And I think if you stopped and thought about it for a moment, you’d give this ranch up in a heartbeat if you had to choose between Marigold and it.”
“I don’t have to choose. I love her with an intensity that scares the hell out of me, but we’re good this time. We can make it. I can help you and she can finish her story and then we can figure it out.”
Dad swallows. For some reason, his eyes get a little misty, and it makes my throat swell. I don’t see him like this, not ever. He lets out a shaky breath. “If someone came to me today and told me I could see your mother again, even just for a minute, but I’d have to give up the ranch, I’d do it. I’d give it up in a fucking heartbeat, son. All the work my dad, my grandfather, and I put into it is nothing compared to the love I felt for your mother.”
I shake my head, trying not to break down in front of my dad. “Dad…” I croak, knowing if I had to choose, I’d do the same thing. Making my dad proud—keeping this ranch in the family—is one of the things I want most in this world. But what I want the most, is Mare. My Goldie.
“I’m not blind. I know the way you look at the girl. I remember looking at your mother the same way. Like she hung the damn moon and all the stars around it.” He sighs, his shoulders becoming shaky with the exhale. “There’s nothing I can do to get your mother back, but I’d give up just about anything to be given the chance. I won’t let you miss out on a love as powerful as I shared with your mother because you feel like you owe it to me or this ranch. You get your girl, Cade.”
“What if she doesn’t want to move back to Sutten?” I ask, finally voicing my deepest concern. I know we talked about making this work for now, but we never talked about where we’d settle down. I don’t know where her head is at, if she’d want to move here forever or if she truly sees herself living in the city for good.
“Then you’ll tell your old man and your sister goodbye and you’ll follow her anywhere.”
I stare at him for a few moments at a total loss for words. I don’t know what to say. There’s no clear answer on what to do here except for one thing—I need to go to Mare. We’ll figure everything else out, and knowing that I won’t be letting my dad down—this ranch down—if I leave is all I needed.
“You sure about this?” I ask, standing up. I fix the hat on my head, already thinking about if there’ll be any flights available tonight. I’ll probably have to wait until tomorrow, but it’s still sooner than I was expecting.
Maybe I could even surprise her. Do a redo of the last time I went to Chicago.
Dad stands up, rounding his desk until he puts his hands on my shoulders. “I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life. Follow your heart, son. All the rest of life’s bullshit we’ll figure out later, okay?”
Breaking down, I cry. I cry because for the first time since Mom died, I feel like I have my dad back. My arms wrap around him. For a few seconds we hug, not needing any further words.
I pull away, taking a deep breath and getting my shit back together.
Dad pats me on the shoulder a final time. “Let me know if you need a ride to the airport tomorrow.”
