Every evening when the door would open, I would cringe, wondering if that night would be the one where he finally brought a woman home with him. I kept preparing myself for it. Justin was a very sexual person. Jade always used to reference his insatiable appetite. That would always make me want to vomit.
He wasn’t going to be celibate forever.
It wasn’t a question of if he brought someone home; it was when. Each time he’d walk in alone would be a bigger relief than the last, though.
The days were passing, and with each one, I wondered how much longer this peaceful camaraderie between us would continue.
Bea was getting bigger every day. She was now finally rolling over. That meant being very careful when changing her diaper because she easily could fall off the table. Now that I was pumping milk, it made it a lot easier to leave the house from time to time. Justin would watch Bea for little stints while I ran errands. I referred to him as Uncle Justin around her. He seemed to be happy with that. It was a safe title and made it clear that I wasn’t expecting him to have a bigger role in her life. He would likely always be Uncle Justin to her. I vowed to learn to accept that.
The best part of my day continued to be mornings when Justin and I would sit in the kitchen with Bea and have our coffee together. The weirdo was still using my pumped milk as a cream replacement, though. At first, I thought he was continuing the habit just to be funny, but the longer it went on, the more it became clear that he truly liked the taste.
As he poured some out of a bottle into his coffee, I asked, “You think that’s completely normal?”
“I’d rather drink from you than some random cow. Think about it. You’re the one that stopped eating meat after a similar realization.”
“Okay, but despite that, you do realize the average person would find your drinking breast milk very bizarre.”
“No. Bizarre would be if I stood in line while you were feeding her and asked to go next.”
That actually made me chuckle. “True, but what’s gonna happen when you start dating someone? You think she’s going to accept you drinking another woman’s breast milk? Or even that you had in the past?”
“I’ll worry about that when I have to.”
It felt like a good opportunity to pry. “So, you’re not seeing anyone?”
He glanced at me from over his mug with amusement in his eyes. “I’m pretty sure you know the answer to that, Amelia. If I’m not here, then I’m at Sandy’s, and then I come home. When would I be seeing said person?”
“I know. I guess I’m just confused.”
He slammed the ceramic mug down on the granite. “Okay. Explain why you’re confused.”
“You’re obviously extremely attractive. You’re a musician on top of that. You have women literally throwing themselves at you. It’s been a month since you broke up with Jade. I keep expecting you to walk in here with someone. That’s all.”
“You think I’m a manwhore when I’m single…”
“I’ve only experienced you with a girlfriend, so I don’t really know.”
He placed his hands on the table and leaned into me. What he said next gave me the chills. “I love to fuck. LOVE it. More than anything.” Those words went straight to my loins. He sat back and crossed his arms. “But the more experience I have, the more I realize that you have to be careful out there. I don’t sleep around anymore like I used to.”
I decided to mess with him. “That’s interesting that you say that because I was thinking that casual sex may be my only option.”
He nearly spit out his coffee. “Oh really?”
“Yeah. You actually helped with that realization.”
“Did I, now? I’d like to hear this.”
“Think about it. Like you were saying…any man that’s going to end up with me has to be in it for the long haul. It takes a really long time to figure that stuff out, right? I can’t be celibate forever while I wait to see if Mr. Right wants to be a father to my daughter. I, too, like to fuck.”
His eyes widened. “I see.”
“Although in recent years, I haven’t slept around, it might be better for me at this point in my life to just have meaningless sex with a trusted person who’s on the same page. He’d have to be clean of course, have all the proper tests.”
“Are you serious right now?”
“I’m dead serious.”
I was starting to become a little convinced of my own argument. It did make some sense.
He mocked, “And where exactly are you gonna find this man who is just looking for casual fucking but also happens to be a clean, respectable person that you can bring around your daughter? Oh, and this guy is apparently not sleeping with anyone else at the same time? Yeah. That makes sense.”
“I wouldn’t be bringing any man around Bea unless it was serious. So, he wouldn’t be getting to know my daughter.”
“Where would you be meeting up with said man then?”
“Hotels.”
“Who’s going to be watching Bea when you’re fucking this guy in a motel?”
I snorted. “You?”
“Please tell me you’re kidding. Because I’m about to fucking lose it.”
“Want the honest truth?”
“Yes.”
“For the most part I am kidding. But I do think that I may need to find someone to satisfy my needs at some point, someone who I can trust but who understands that it wouldn’t be anything more than sex.”
He gritted his teeth. “Someone like Roger next door…”
“Maybe…”
His face turned red in anger as he got up and put his mug in the sink. “That’s just great, Amelia. Just fucking great.”
That was the last thing he said before stomping up the stairs to start his work day.
He never came down that afternoon.
Justin was mad…and jealous as hell. It hadn’t even been subtle.
I’d told him I was giving him the honest truth; that really wasn’t the case. Because the real truth was that there was only one man I’d dreamt of fucking in a hotel—and that was him.
***
Justin still seemed moody that night. He was flipping through the channels at lightning speed without even really paying attention. When my phone vibrated on the coffee table, he picked it up and looked down at the caller I.D.
A look of shock washed over his face as he handed me the phone. “It’s Adam.”
Shit.
I’d left Adam a voice message the other day, asking if he was interested in coming down to Newport to meet Bea. Seeing him was the last thing I wanted, but I felt that I owed it to my daughter to at least attempt to establish a relationship between them.
Justin watched me like a hawk as I answered.
“Hello?”
Adam’s voice sounded a bit muffled. “Hey.”
“I’m assuming you got my voicemail.”
There was some static; he must have been driving. “Yeah. Ashlyn’s away. I can come down this weekend. When is a good time?”
He can only come down because Ashlyn is away? Real nice.
“I think it’s best if we meet downtown. Maybe at the park. I can text you the location. Would this Saturday work?”
“Yeah. That should be fine.”
“Okay. Why don’t we plan to meet around three?”
“That’ll work.”
“I’ll text you the info soon.”
“Alright. Bye.
“Bye.”
He never even asked how she was.
Justin was still glaring at me after I hung up. “He’s coming down here? Since when is he interested in being a part of her life?”
“Since a blood test proved he’s the father.”
“You never told me you had that done.”
“It was just a formality. It happened while you were away, didn’t even think to mention it because there was never any doubt. Anyway, the only person the test mattered to was Adam, because he was accusing me of lying.”
Justin’s tone was stern. “I still don’t want him near her.”
“He’s her father.”
“He’s a sperm donor,” he said through gritted teeth.
“What am I supposed to do? Keep her from him?”
“He doesn’t deserve her.” Justin seemed lost in thought for a few moments before he asked, “What exactly are his rights now?”
“I’m not entirely sure. I don’t think he’s going to want any of the responsibility of caring for her, so I haven’t even really looked into that stuff. By the same token, I’m not pressuring him into anything, either. Anyway, it’ll just be a quick meeting.”
“I’m coming with you.”
“No. You don’t have to.”
“There is no way I’m letting you go see that asshole by yourself.”
“That’s really not necessary. We’ll be—”
“Amelia…it’s not a choice. I’m coming with you,” he repeated.
The look in his eyes told me this was one argument I wasn’t going to win.
***
The weather was perfect, dry with low humidity. We would be meeting at Colt State Park, which was just over the bridge and off of the island. Justin and I had visited this park once or twice when we were kids, so it felt a little bit nostalgic.
We packed a picnic lunch and made an afternoon out of it, getting there an hour before Adam was set to arrive. Might as well balance a stressful event with some fun.
I’d dressed Bea in the frilliest pink dress she had and placed one of those little thin ruffled headbands over her head. Her tiny feet were covered in the cutest white patent leather shoes.
Justin gently brushed the back of his finger along her head. “Bea looks adorable, but you know it kind of pisses me off you got her all dressed up for him.”
“I wanted her to look her best, make him feel like shit.”
“She always looks her best, no matter what you put on her. He should feel like shit either way, whether she’s wearing a dress or covered in poop. She’s his fucking flesh and blood, and he hasn’t seen her for the first five months of her life.”
“You’re right.”
Our attention turned to a couple of teenagers who were flying a multi-colored kite. We sat in silence, enjoying the scenery. It was a great day to be out on the water, so lots of sailboats could be seen in the distance since the park abutted the ocean.
Justin looked up at the clear blue sky. “Do you remember the last time we were here?”
“Yes,” I said quietly. “It was shortly before I moved to New Hampshire. You were starting to get into photography.” Justin had taken his camera to Colt State Park during our last trip here and snapped some pictures of me with the water as a backdrop.
“Yeah. That hobby was short-lived, took a backseat to music.” He took out his wallet, which was quite old, the brown leather cracked and weathered. He opened it. “If I show you something, don’t laugh.”
“Okay…”
He took out a small black and white photo that was tucked inside the back. The edges of the photo paper were frayed. It was a snapshot of me that I’d never seen. “This was one of the photos I shot that day. It was the only one I had developed.”
I took it from him. “Wow. I never had a chance to see any of them.”
“This one was my favorite because I snapped it when you weren’t posing. You were laughing at one of my jokes when I took it.”
My gaze traveled from the photo to his beautiful blue eyes that were staring into mine and reflected the ocean behind me. “You’ve always carried this around?”
“Even when I was mad at you, I couldn’t get myself to get rid of it. I’d hide it, so I didn’t have to see you, but I couldn’t throw you away.”
“Throw it away or throw me away?”
“Both.”
We continued to lock eyes as I willed away the pangs of longing that were always there and needed to be constantly suppressed.
Looking down at my watch, I noticed that it was ten minutes past three. “Adam is late.”
“What a jackass.”
Justin took Bea from me and lay back, placing her on his chest. She was reaching out her little hand to his mouth while he blew raspberries against her fingers.
The minutes passed and still no sign of Adam. After an hour of waiting, Justin was becoming irate. “We need to leave.”
“I can’t believe he would just not show up. Maybe he’s stuck in traffic.”
“Why wouldn’t he text you then? That’s fucking beyond disrespectful. He doesn’t deserve a minute more of our time. He’s better off not showing up at this point, because he’d get a punch to the face.”
I started to pack up, feeling incredibly sad for Bea. Whether Adam was a part of our lives didn’t matter to me, but it would surely matter to her someday.
Suddenly, my phone vibrated. It was a text from Adam.
I was on my way but turned around. I’m sorry. I just can’t. I can’t do this. I’ll send you money.
Justin took the phone from me and read the text. He shook his head in utter disbelief then looked down at Bea, who was still sitting there in her beautiful dress as she looked up at him. Justin had his knees up, and Bea was resting her back against the slope of his legs. Her tiny hands were enveloped in his large ones. My daughter was calm as a clam. She had no clue what that text meant for the rest of her life. She had no clue that her father had just abandoned her.
I was pretty sure she thought she was staring into the eyes of her father right now.
After a long moment of silence, Justin whispered, “He doesn’t know what he’s missing. He’s a fool.” He moved his face toward hers and said, “Well, we don’t need him. Do we, Bea? Fuck him!”
Even though he probably shouldn’t have sworn around the baby, the most amazing thing happened. The second Justin said, “Fuck him,” Bea started laughing like she understood. It wasn’t subtle, but rather a contagious belly laugh. When she suddenly stopped, Justin bent his head back then bobbed it down real fast as he repeated, “Fuck him!” Again, she erupted in laughter. He did it again. “Fuck him!” An even bigger laughing fit ensued. Justin and I were both in hysterics right along with her.
Tears were pouring out of my eyes, and I honestly couldn’t have told you whether I was laughing or crying.
***
That evening, Justin offered to put Bea down for the night. His soothing singing voice carried all the way downstairs. I closed my eyes and meditated to the sound of him rocking her to sleep. The song he’d chosen was no coincidence: Isn’t She Lovely by Stevie Wonder.
