I’d gone straight to my own room that night and didn’t come out because I couldn’t trust myself around him. Was he even serious? A small part of me pondered whether he was just pulling my leg with that proposition. Maybe this was some grand scheme to get back at me for hurting him a decade ago… lure me to succumb to his sexual charms then tell me it was just a joke.
Tossing and turning, I considered all the pros and cons and came to the conclusion that while sex with him would be amazing, it would only result in my getting hurt. It would also ruin our second chance at friendship which was still new and on shaky ground.
At the same time, I was completely turned on, my panties soaking wet from the way he was speaking to me. Just the thought of being with him was getting me off.
At some point in the middle of the night, I must have fallen asleep while ruminating. When I woke up the next morning, it was after 11AM. I hadn’t slept that late in ages.
The sun was streaming through the sheer white curtains of my bedroom window. Had I dreamt my conversation with Justin last night? It occurred to me that Bea was missing from her crib.
I ran downstairs to find Justin sitting in the living room.
“Where’s Bea?”
“She’s right here. Check this out.” Bea was slowly crawling toward him as he lured her with a new stuffed toy. It was a long rainbow-colored stuffed caterpillar that squeaked.
“Come on, Bumblebee,” he said to her. I loved his nickname for her.
Bea was inching toward him; it was her most impressive attempt at mobility yet.
“She’s crawling toward you!”
“I know. We’ve been practicing all morning.”
“Where did you get that toy?”
“I picked it up for her the other day from the toy shop downtown.”
“So you came inside the room this morning and took her out of the crib?”
“No, she walked downstairs herself, Amelia,” he quipped. “Of course. I peeked in on you because you never sleep that late, wanted to make sure you didn’t pass out from diddling yourself to thoughts of me last night.”
“Not quite. Although you were on my mind.”
“Anyway…she was just sitting there in her crib, looking at me, quiet as a mouse while you were snoring. So, I took her downstairs so you could stay sleeping. You had a pumped bottle in the fridge, so we finished that off.” He looked down at Bea. “She’s my breakfast buddy now.”
“Thanks for doing that.”
“It’s no problem.”
Our eyes locked, and I felt like I needed to break the ice. “Justin, about last night…”
He got up suddenly from the couch. “Don’t worry about it. I was out of line. I went a little crazy, got jealous.”
I was surprised that he’d changed his tune so fast. “Really?”
“Yeah. I wasn’t thinking with the right head.”
“Okay…then I’m glad we both agree.”
“Well, I have a lot of work to get done. So…” He picked up Bea off the floor, lifting her up over his head briefly. “I’ll see you later, Bumblebee.”
He then retreated to his room and didn’t come out for the rest of the afternoon.
More confused than ever, I went about my day, cleaning the house and doing Bea’s laundry.
It was the beginning of September, and the weather was starting to get chilly on the island. A few weeks back, I’d officially notified the school department back in Providence that I wouldn’t be returning to my job this year. It was a tough decision but one that was best for my daughter. My savings would carry me through about twelve months. In a year’s time, I would reassess my situation, either return to teaching or maybe try to find a work-from-home job.
A knock on the door prompted me to place my broom in the corner.
Upon opening the door, my heart nearly skipped a beat at the sight of a familiar leggy blonde with a pixie cut. “Jade. Oh my goodness. This is unexpected.”
“Surprise!” She leaned in to hug me before stepping back. “Gosh, you look great, Amelia. Did you lose weight? Don’t people normally gain weight after having a baby?”
“I guess I got lucky my daughter didn’t let me eat or sleep for the first few months.” Trying to mask my discomfort, I asked, “Is Justin expecting you?”
“No. Not at all. Is he upstairs? I saw his car outside.”
“Yeah. He’s in his office working.”
She took notice of Bea playing in the Exersaucer. “She is so beautiful. She looks just like you. Can I take her out of this thing?”
“Sure.”
An uneasy feeling developed as I watched Jade crouch down to see my daughter.
What was she doing here?
Had he invited her?
Was that the reason for his sudden change of tune?
What felt like blinding jealousy bombarded me.
Jade lifted Bea up to hold her. “She smells so good. What is that?”
“It’s Dreft, the baby detergent I use on her clothes.”
“Maybe I should give you some of my clothes to wash. She smells so fresh and clean.”
I was totally over the small talk. “What brings you here, Jade?”
Sitting down on the couch and placing Bea on her lap, she said matter-of-factly, “I screwed up.”
“What do you mean?”
“I fucked everything up with Justin. This past year, I’d given everything I had to my job and nothing to him. I took him for granted. Did he say anything to you about why we broke up?”
“He just told me that he ended things when he went back to New York earlier this summer. He didn’t really go into the details.”
“It was a misunderstanding.”
“How so?”
“He’d come to surprise me and found me having dinner at the apartment with my co-star, Greg Nivens. Justin jumped to conclusions. Nothing was going on with Greg. It was a business meeting. Things had been rough between Justin and me for a while before that, but I would have never cheated on him.”
“So, you’re here to—”
“Get my man back. Yes. I never fought for him. I never pleaded with him. I was in such shock with the way things ended that I never truly reflected on my responsibility in all of it. It was basically all my fault. I still love him so much.”
No.
No.
No.
This unexpected and imminent threat was putting my true feelings to the test. I was terrified to lose him, terrified he’d go back to New York with her. My body stiffened in defense, somehow preparing to go to war in a battle it was destined to lose.
“Wow. I don’t know what to say. I—”
Justin’s deep voice startled me. “Jade. What are you doing here?”
She stood up, still carrying Bea. “Hi.”
His eyes shifted over to me briefly then back to her.
“How long have you been here?” he asked.
“Just a few minutes. I came all the way here because we need to talk. Can we go somewhere? Maybe take a walk on the beach?”
My chest felt heavy, and I was sweating from nerves.
Justin looked over at me again in a fleeting glance before saying, “Let me get my jacket.”
When the door shut behind them, all of the fear I’d been holding in released from me in one swift breath only to start building up again in my gut.
I looked over at Bea and spoke to her like she could understand. “I don’t want him to leave.”
She cooed and babbled while she smacked her hand down on one of the squeaky toys attached to her playset.
“I’m afraid to be with him and afraid to be without him.”
She blew a couple of raspberries, drool dripping down her chin.
“You really adore him, don’t you?”
“Ba…Ba,” she answered.
My heart hammered against my chest. “I know. Me, too.”
***
Justin was gone for almost six hours. I was sure he wasn’t coming home.
When the key turned in the door around ten-thirty that night, I straightened up on the sofa, trying to look casual so that it didn’t appear like I’d been anxiously awaiting his return.
Justin rubbed his eyes and threw his coat on a chair. He went to the kitchen to grab a drink before taking a seat next to me.
I swallowed, afraid to ask, “Where is Jade?”
He took a sip of his beer then stared blankly down at the bottle as he twirled it around mindlessly in his hands. “She’s on her way back to New York. I drove her to the train.”
“I wasn’t sure if you’d be coming back tonight.”
He was silent for a long time then looked into my eyes. “Nothing happened, Amelia.”
“You don’t owe me an explanation.”
He spoke louder, “I don’t? Are you kidding yourself?”
“What do you mean?”
“You seem to think that I can’t see right through you. I saw your face when she showed up. You were scared. Why can’t you admit that? Why can’t you admit that you’re just as fucking scared of what’s been happening between us as I am?”
I don’t know.
When I didn’t respond, he simply said, “We took a walk on the beach…talked. Then, I drove her to the train.”
“You were gone so long. I just assumed…”
“That we were somewhere fucking? No. I drove around for a while alone just to think.”
“I see. What did you and Jade decide?”
“She thinks the real reason I ended it was because I’d found her hanging out with that guy, but that’s not the truth. I’d gone to New York with the full intention of breaking things off before I even saw her having dinner with him.”
“You explained that to her?”
“I couldn’t be completely upfront about everything.”
“Why not?”
“Because I’d have to admit stuff to her that I haven’t even admitted to you…and I didn’t want to hurt her even more.”
“Things like…”
“Remember what I said about cheating?”
“That if you have the urge to cheat on someone, it’s better to just break up with that person?”
“Yeah. Well, I had the urge to cheat…with you…multiple times last summer. I thought that maybe you becoming a mother would somehow make me see you in a different light now, make me less attracted somehow, but that hasn’t been the case. It’s been the opposite. You’ve never been sexier to me. But even if nothing were to happen between us, my attraction to you is a sign that something was off between Jade and me. You shouldn’t covet someone else like that if you’re in a healthy relationship. It’s an indication that something is missing, even if you don’t know exactly what it is. I don’t believe in dragging things out if the outcome is already determined in your mind.”
“Is Jade okay?”
“Not really.”
It really did pain me to know that she was hurting. I felt bad for her and remained confused about where things stood with Justin and me.
“What do we do now?” I asked.
“I’ve already told you what I want to do.”
“I thought this morning you said you came to the conclusion it was a bad idea, that you didn’t want that with me anymore.”
“I never said that. What I meant was that I was out of line in the way I presented it to you. I was being overly aggressive because I felt threatened, came on to you like a caveman. I never explicitly said I didn’t want it, and for the record, neither did you.”
“I explained my reservations…”
“And I understand them. I fully get why you’re afraid to take things to a sexual level with me. The logical side of me thinks you’re right, but the illogical side of me doesn’t give a fuck and is only thinking about lifting you over my face right now and making you come while you ride my mouth.”
Those words hit me straight between the legs.
He went on, “The fact that you just squirmed in your seat is proof that you also have an illogical side. Maybe our illogical sides need to meet sometime.” He leaned into me and grinned. “But not tonight. Despite your threatening to find a fuck buddy…you’re not ready. That would be like jumping over all the letters of the alphabet from A to Z.”
“You’ve been watching too much Sesame Street with Bea.”
“Fuck. Maybe. Anyway, you’re at level A right now. My dick is at level Z. And it doesn’t match up. That was one of the things I figured out on my drive tonight. That you’re not there yet despite all your talk about hotel sex.” He got up. “I’ll be right back.”
When he returned, he was holding something behind his back. “What’s the one thing we did when we were younger whenever we were in a shitty mood or just didn’t know what the fuck to do with ourselves?”
“We’d watch The Big Lebowski.”
He displayed the DVD from behind him. “Bingo.”
“I can’t believe you still have that.”
“Always have it on hand.”
“I’ll pop some popcorn,” I said, eagerly running to the kitchen, relieved that the tension in the air had lessened. He was right. I wasn’t ready. I didn’t want to lose him, but as much as I wanted him, I wasn’t ready for a sexual relationship with him or anyone.
We sat in comfortable silence watching the cult movie that in retrospect was probably way too inappropriate for our former thirteen-year-old selves. But neither of us had parents who’d monitored what we watched back then. The opening scene where the main character got his head shoved in a toilet brought back so many memories. We used to think it was the greatest thing ever.
Midway through the flick, Justin lay on his back, resting his head on my lap. Without thinking it through, I did what felt natural and massaged my hand through the silky strands of his hair.
He let out a slight groan of pleasure as he continued to watch the movie while I played with his hair.
At one point, he turned to me, and I instinctively moved my hand off of him, remembering the time last summer when he’d told me to stop. “Why did you stop?” He realized it on his own. “No way I’m telling you to stop this time, Amelia. Please keep doing it. It feels so good.”
I kept at it for the better part of a half-hour.
My attention was no longer on the movie when I asked, “What else did you figure out on your drive tonight?”
“That I still love your dimples.” He looked up at me. “I haven’t figured it all out; but I know that for sure.”
