Those first few hours waiting with Bea in the intensive care unit were excruciating, truly the scariest of my life.
They had her hooked up to an IV and were giving her oxygen. The doctors ran a series of tests to check for internal injuries and neurological problems. Apparently, after respiratory failure, there could actually be delayed brain injury that wasn’t apparent right away. It would be a while before all of the results came in.
With no clear prognosis, my silent prayers were non-stop. I begged God to spare my baby from any irreversible damage. Bea was sleeping a lot, probably exhausted from all of the trauma, so it was hard to gauge how she was really doing.
She was able to open her eyes, though, and I had to be grateful for that and for the fact that she was alive and breathing. Thank God I’d randomly woken up when I did. If I had gotten to her room even a minute later, the outcome could have been very different. I couldn’t even bear to think about that. Someone was definitely watching over us last night. Until I had answers, I had to just focus on the positive—the fact that she was alive—and continue to pray.
It was mid-morning now, and I hadn’t moved from my spot at Bea’s side. I was afraid to even go to the bathroom so as not to miss the doctor coming in with information. A nice nurse finally forced me to go get something to drink and to use the bathroom. She promised to watch Bea and assured me that nothing would happen while I was gone.
In the bathroom just off of the nurse’s station, tears began to pour out of my eyes. Riddled with guilt, I was finally losing it. If it weren’t for that stupid sweater and my carelessness, none of this would have ever happened. How could I not have checked her crib before I put her down? Forcing myself to get it together, I needed to put on a strong front before returning to my daughter. She was intuitive; I couldn’t let her sense my fear.
The doctor came in shortly after I returned to my spot at Bea’s bedside.
“Ms. Payne…”
I stood up, feeling the weight of my heavy, terrified heart. “Yes?”
“We just received the results of the tests on her internal condition. There are no internal injuries aside from a slight fracturing of the ribs, which will heal on its own. Her neurological assessment seems okay, too, but that’s what I want to watch over the next day before we can consider releasing her. I no longer think she needs to be in the intensive care unit, so we’re going to move her to a regular room on one of the main floors.”
A massive sense of relief washed over me. “Doctor, thank you. Thank you. I could hug you. Can I hug you?” When he nodded uncomfortably, I embraced him. “Thank you so much.”
“It could have been very serious. We see this very same scenario end differently all too often. Babies or toddlers choking on grapes, hot dogs, small toys. You’re very lucky.”
After the doctor left, I typed out a text to Justin.
Thank God! The doctor thinks she’s going to be okay. They want to watch her for at least the next twenty-four hours, though. I’m so happy right now!
There was no response.
Soon after, they moved us to a new room on the third floor. Lying in her new bed, Bea had her eyes open and looked confused as she gazed up at the panels of fluorescent lights on the ceiling. She seemed alert, but not her typical happy self. She was probably wondering what the hell she was doing here.
They told me I could hold her again. Even though she’d been getting vitamins and fluids through an IV, they suggested I feed her. I’d been giving her more formula than breastmilk lately, but I chose to nurse her because I knew it would comfort her. I was relieved that she was eating with no problem. With every minute that passed, I became more confident that my baby was going to be okay.
She had to be.
After I returned Bea to her bed, Shelly, the nurse, came in to check her vitals. So focused on everything Shelly was doing, I almost didn’t notice him standing there.
Justin was in the doorway, his chest rising and falling as he took in the sight of Bea lying in the hospital bed. Even though he’d said he was getting on a plane, I hadn’t heard anything from him for the past several hours and wasn’t sure if he’d been able to get a flight. His hair was a mess, and his eyes were red. Despite looking ragged and almost strung out, he was still stunningly handsome.
My heart leapt. “Justin.”
He said nothing and hadn’t taken his eyes off Bea as he walked slowly toward the bed. He looked like he was in shock to see her lying there, looking so weak. “She’s okay?”
“We think so, yes. You didn’t get my texts?”
His eyes still glued to Bea, he shook his head. “No. No, I was on the plane, and my phone died. I took the first flight I could get out of LAX and came straight here.”
Shelly looked at him. “Are you her father?”
Justin reached his hand out to Bea’s cheek and gently rubbed it as he said, “Yes.” His answer was a shock. Chills ran through me when he looked at me and repeated, “Yes, I am.”
When he turned his attention back to her, his red eyes became filled with moisture. In all the years I’d known him, I had never seen Justin shed a single tear. He sat down in the seat on the other side of Bea.
Shelly noticed that Justin had started to cry, and said, “I’ll give you some privacy.”
When the door clicked behind her, Justin lowered his face into the bed and kissed Bea lightly on the cheek. Still equal-parts stunned and touched at his proclaiming himself her father, I waited for him to speak. It took a while for the words to come. He just stared at her, a look of awe and relief ever so slowly replacing the shock from earlier. I knew he noticed that she wasn’t her normal self. It was hard not to see it. Bea would have been smiling or giggling at him by now. Instead, she was merely awake but quiet. I hoped it was just because she hadn’t seen him in a while and not a sign of something more serious.
“I love you, Bumblebee. I’m sorry it’s taken me this long to tell you.” He wiped his eyes then turned to me. “I’ve never been more scared in my life, Amelia. I was afraid something would happen to her before I could get here, that I’d never see her smile again, that I’d never have a chance to tell her how much I want to be her father. The whole flight here, I prayed to God, bargained with him, that if she turned out to be okay, I wouldn’t let another second go by without telling her I loved her. The thing is…even without my saying it…she already thinks I’m her Daddy. I know I’m not her biological father, but she doesn’t know that. Blood doesn’t make someone a father anyway. What makes me her father is that she chose me. She owned me from the moment she first smiled at me. And while that used to scare the shit out of me, I couldn’t imagine life without her now.”
“I thought you didn’t want kids.”
“So did I. Maybe I didn’t want some generic imagined kids. But I want her.” He repeated in a whisper, “I want her.”
Now, I was crying, too. “She loves you, too, you know. Very much.”
“I’m the only father she’s ever known. And she thinks I left without explanation. That kills me every day.”
“What’s happening with the tour?”
“Well, they’re without an opening act now for the Christmas shows in L.A., but Calvin understands my situation. They’re gonna wing it. They all know how much Bea means to me. They said they would make due for the next few shows if need be. I’m not going back until I’m sure she’s okay and home.”
Our attention turned to Bea when she suddenly started to babble.
Justin teased, “Hey, you have something to say for yourself?” He smiled at her for a bit before turning to me. “Is it okay to hold her, or is it better not to?”
“They told me I could take her out. It’s okay. Just don’t toss her up into the air or anything.”
Justin slowly lifted her out of the bed and cradled her in his arms. “You scared the crap out of me, Miss Bee. You sure this wasn’t a ploy to get me home for Christmas? If so, job well-done.”
It had completely skipped my mind that tonight was Christmas Eve; we’d be spending her first Christmas in the hospital.
Tilting my head, I admired the two of them together. I’d always felt their connection but worried that Justin would never truly give into it. I felt so happy for Bea, that this wonderful guy wanted to be her father. I knew no matter what happened between Justin and me, he would always be there for her.
When Bea fell asleep in his arms, I told Justin the full story of what happened as best I could remember it.
Bea was still asleep when he returned her to the bed and asked, “When was the last time you ate, Amelia?”
“Sometime yesterday.”
“I’m gonna go get us some food and coffee while she’s sleeping.”
“That would be great.”
With Justin gone and Bea asleep, my tired mind went into overdrive. It was getting dark outside the hospital windows. Left alone with too much time to think, I started to push guilt on myself for allowing this to happen. I had one job, and that was to take care of my daughter and keep her safe; I couldn’t even do that.
When Justin returned, he was carrying a paper bag of food and a small Christmas tree that probably came from a pharmacy.
I must have looked like a wreck because he dropped everything and came over to me. “What’s wrong?”
“This is my fault. I should have checked her crib before I left the room.”
“It was an accident. That damn bulb fell off your sweater. You didn’t see it happen.”
“I know, but I can’t help feeling like if I’d just done something differently…”
“What are you talking about? You saved her life.”
“Yes. But only because I was lucky enough to wake up when I did. I can’t even imagine what today would be like if I hadn’t.”
“Don’t think about that. God was with her. She’s okay. She’ll be okay. It wasn’t your fault.”
“I just can’t help feeling like a horrible mother.”
“Listen to me. Remember that night we stayed up the whole night talking at the beach house that first summer? You told me you felt like teaching wasn’t what you were meant to do, that there was something else out there you’d be better at?”
“Yes.”
“I’ll never forget this past summer when I came home unexpectedly to find you and Bea there. You were in that fucked-up state of disarray. I’d never witnessed anyone give of themselves so fully for the good of another human being like that. There isn’t one moment of any day where you don’t put her first. You don’t think about yourself, your own mental well-being, getting a break. I’d watch you feeding her sometimes and wish that I’d had a mother like you. Not so I could suck on your tits.” He winked. “But because of how nurturing you are. When we were growing up, I always thought you were pretty amazing, but it doesn’t even come close to how I see you now. So, don’t you dare. Don’t you dare call yourself a horrible mother, Amelia Payne. That thing you were meant to do that you couldn’t figure out? It was to be a mother to that little girl. That’s your calling. And you’re doing a damn good job.”
I closed my eyes and took a deep breath, so thankful for his reassurance, which just basically talked me off of a mental ledge. “Thank you.”
He walked over to the bags and handed me a Dunkin Donuts iced coffee along with a Chipotle burrito bowl. “Now, eat…before she wakes up.”
After we finished our food, Justin plugged the small tree into an outlet in the corner of the room. This was as good as Christmas Eve was going to get under the circumstances.
When Bea finally woke up, we got a little Christmas miracle. Justin was looking down at her when she finally smiled for the first time since the choking incident. It was the best gift we could have ever asked for.
“Merry Christmas, Bumblebee,” Justin said. You could feel the sense of relief in the air. It may have been one smile out of many, but it was an important one. To us, it meant she was going to be okay.
Justin pulled up Pandora on his phone and streamed Christmas music until it got late. The hospital brought in two cots that we set up on each side of Bea’s bed.
It was past 11PM. Justin was exhausted from his trip and dozed off along with Bea. I still wasn’t able to relax enough to shut my eyes. I wouldn’t be happy until we were home.
With both of them asleep, I played on my phone for a bit, going back to the text message chain between Justin and me to see exactly what I’d written him from the ambulance. I was so stressed, I had no recollection of what I’d typed in those horrific moments. That was when I noticed a message that had come in from him earlier that night, a text I hadn’t noticed due to everything that happened with Bea.
I don’t like fighting with you. I love you. In case there was any doubt.
The time of the message was shortly before 4AM. That was almost exactly the time I had woken up right before Bea’s wheezing started. I had figured that my waking up out of the blue was random, but it must have been the text that interrupted my slumber.
As I looked over at Justin sleeping peacefully, my heart felt like it was going to explode out of my chest. Not because he’d finally said those three words I’d longed to hear. It was the other realization. If it weren’t for that text, I wouldn’t have woken up.
I didn’t save Bea’s life.
Justin did.
