The moment I take in the horrified look on Payne’s face, I know I’ve fucked up.
So much for saving my confession for the right time, when he was over his divorce and I had the smallest chance of him returning my feelings. Lust drunk and full of his cum was not on my list of options, but when I’d looked up at him from my knees, he’d taken my breath away.
This is … definitely not the reaction I was hoping for.
“You … you …” He shakes his head. “You’re not a virgin, are you?”
And even though he usually jokes to lighten the mood, I know this isn’t one of those times. I laugh anyway. “No.”
“Then … what”—he yanks his shorts back up—“what do you mean?”
Great, now he’s going to make me spell it out for him. That sounds like a really fun time for me. I tuck myself back away and drop onto the couch beside him. My insides are in knots, but I’m going to pretend like this is no big deal, because I don’t want to scare Payne back out of my life.
“A crush. It’s nothing, seriously. Please don’t worry about it. I’ve had it for years, and it’s never caused any issues. “
“Years?” If possible, his eyes get wider. “How many?”
“Umm …” I play with the bottom of my T-shirt. “Since high school …”
“Ah, fuck.” Payne leans forward and props his elbows on his knees before burying his face in his hands.
“Look, I swear you don’t need to worry. I know it’s not returned, and I’m okay with that, but I was hoping we could do something like that again, and I figured you should know that first.” Even if I totally undersold how much I feel for him.
“Beau …” He turns to me with pity in his eyes, and I hold up my hand.
“No. Nope. No sympathy here. I’m okay with you not feeling the same way, and I mean, can you blame me? You were part of my whole sexual awakening. You’re hot and kind, you always make time for people and make sure they’re comfortable when they’re really, really not …”
I’m trying to reassure him, but the more I talk, the more wary his eyes become.
“I’m so sorry,” he says. “I didn’t know. If I did, I never would have—”
I snort. “I don’t need your pity. I knew about my feelings, and I was more than happy for that to happen, knowing it might be the one and only time. I like being attracted to you. It’s better than me crushing on someone who’s an asshole to me.”
“I feel like an asshole.”
“You didn’t know. I didn’t tell you.”
“You should have.”
“Why? So you could make my choices for me?”
He lets out a heavy breath. “You’ve been good to me. I don’t want to hurt you, Beau, but I’m going through a divorce. This was—”
“If you say a mistake, you will hurt me.”
He gives me a sad smile. “No mistake—I knew what I was doing. I’m attracted to you, and I was interested in it happening again, but not now. Emotionally, I have nothing to offer you.”
“Did I say I wanted anything emotional from you? All I said was we should hook up again.”
“Can you honestly tell me if we keep hooking up that it won’t make things weird for you?”
Okay, honestly, I can’t tell him that. Things are already weird now that I know how perfect his cock is and have heard the sexy noises he makes during sex. “Yeah, it probably will.”
He exhales loudly. “Do you need me to move out?”
“What? No.” I turn to face him straight on so he knows I’m serious. “We’ll chalk tonight up to some hot fun that we both needed and move on. We were friends before, yeah? So there’s no reason getting each other off should have to change anything.” I’m praying he agrees with me. My feelings for him aren’t incapacitating. They’re just … a lot. So much that I don’t want him to move out. Even if it’s hard, even if it means jerking off nonstop, I want him to stay.
“It doesn’t?”
“Nope.”
He eyes me. “Can I say something that might be shitty of me?”
“Always.”
He catches his bottom lip before releasing it. “It feels good. To know someone thinks of me that way after everything my fucker ex did, which is shitty because I really like you, and I don’t want you to get hurt.”
“I promise I won’t get hurt.”
“You can’t promise that.”
“It’s fine.” I wave my hand, faking a confidence I so don’t feel. “Let me stroke your ego after how good you stroked me.”
He laughs. “Shit, don’t say that.”
“Why? You weren’t lying when you said you were good with your hands. That was maybe the best hand job I’ve ever had.”
He shoves me. “Beau.”
“And I sucked your dick good, didn’t I?”
“Fucking hell …” He grins as I nudge him. “You’re playful after you’ve blown your load.”
“You think this is different? You should see me after I’ve taken a pounding.”
We lock eyes, and Payne doesn’t try to hide the interest in his. He sighs and looks away, so I take that as my sign to get out of here. Now. Before my orgasm wears off and I begin overthinking everything.
Before I leave, I lean in, lips to his ear, and drop my voice. “It’ll only be weird if you let it.” Then I kiss his cheek and flee to my room.
To my surprise, Payne acts like last night is totally forgotten, and without the orgasm high to make everything fine, I’m grateful.
Because I’m low-key freaking out.
I didn’t mean to blurt feelings all over him, and I’m grateful I didn’t go so far as to tell him that I’m actually totally smitten with him and I’m scared it will never go away.
Because that would have been a fast way to lose myself a roommate.
We head over to Marty’s Saturday drinks together, and Payne seems like his usual happy self. Almost like last night didn’t happen.
And if I hadn’t felt the mortification bone-deep this morning, I might have thought it was a dream.
But nope.
Payne’s cum-covered T-shirt was still on the living room floor when I got up.
We’re half an hour late to arrive, so most people are there before us. It’s a combination of Marty and Lizzy’s work friends and a handful of people from school. They’re people I’ve met a few times before, but other than one or two guys from our graduating class, I’m not friendly with most of them.
“About time,” Marty says, walking over and holding out a beer to me. “I almost thought you weren’t going to show.”
“Late night,” I say without thinking, and the second the words are out, Payne’s eyes fly to mine. Well, I guess if I was unsure about it happening, that’s my confirmation. “Had lots of work to do.”
The tension leaves Payne’s body, and thankfully, the moment goes right over Marty’s head.
“Come on, I have someone I want you to meet.” He winks, and ooh no.
I suddenly understood why he was so intense about me being here. “I’m not in a mood to meet people,” I say, the sudden onset of panic hitting me the way it always does when I’m put on the spot.
“Don’t play. Lee’s a great guy and mentioned he thought you were cute last time you were here.”
“Marty, I …”
“You keep saying you want to meet someone, don’t you? No pressure, but he’s a good guy. At least come and say hi.”
In Marty’s defense, the guys he sets me up with usually are nice. It’s me that’s the problem. He also couldn’t have timed this any worse. Trying to set me up on a date in front of the guy I confessed feelings for last night.
Wow. I should have stayed in bed this morning.
I expect Payne to break away from us as we cross the backyard, but he sticks close to my side. If it wasn’t Payne, I’d assume he was uncomfortable around people he doesn’t know, but Payne isn’t uncomfortable anywhere.
Marty comes to a stop by a group of guys sitting around the paved fire pit area. I recognize most of them as Marty’s work friends, and they say hi as Marty introduces Payne.
“And Lee, Beau. Beau, Lee.”
“Hi.” A guy a little younger than me stands and holds out his hand. He’s … gorgeous. Brown curls and a big smile. Confidence rolls off him, but where Payne’s is a lazy, relaxed confidence, this guy makes it look intentional.
I shake his hand. “Nice to meet you.”
He holds on for a second after I relax my grip before releasing me. “Marty’s, uh, told me a lot about you. Friends from high school, right?”
“Middle school.”
“And what about me?” Payne cuts in. He offers his hand to Lee. “Surely Marty’s told you about his cool older brother.”
They shake hands, and Lee gives him a friendly once-over. “From Boston, right? Go Bruins!”
Payne hums. “I’m more of a New York man myself.”
“Damn. I’ve caught a few live games, and that Ezra Palaszczuk is as hot in real life as he is on TV.”
“Eh. He reminds me of my ex-husband.”
I choke back a laugh. I guess Palaszczuk is known for sleeping around.
Lee’s attention drifts back to me. “Do you follow hockey?”
“How much trouble will I be in if I say not really?”
The look Lee gives me is straight-up flirtation, and even if Marty hadn’t given me the heads-up, I would have picked that he was interested from a mile away. “Somehow I think I can forgive you.”
“So what do you think Boston’s chances are for the Stanley Cup next year?” Payne asks loudly, and Lee reluctantly returns his attention to him.
“As good as any other.”
“My money’s on Vegas. That Tripp Mitchell, am I right?” He pumps his eyebrows suggestively, and all I can do is stare. What is he doing? Is Payne seriously oblivious to what’s happening here? I would have thought he’d be ready to marry me off to the first guy who showed interest after last night.
“Hey, Payne,” Marty says, taking his brother’s elbow. “I think Lizzy needs us inside.”
Payne shrugs him off. “I didn’t hear anything.”
“Nope. She definitely called us. Come on, we can’t leave her waiting.” Marty physically yanks Payne, and only then does he move.
Lee rubs his arm. “Is he an ex-boyfriend?”
“Nope.”
“Does he see you like a brother, then?”
After last night, that would be creepy. “Definitely not. I’m clueless what that was.” Other than totally out of character.
“I’d hoped to catch you tonight, actually. I mentioned to Marty that you’re my type, and he said you’re not seeing anyone, so if you were free, did you want to go on a date?”
Ah. We’re jumping straight to it.
Do I want to go on a date with him?
No.
Should I want that?
Definitely.
Lee’s attractive. Not in the rough way that Payne is, but he’s conventionally attractive. He also seems to be nice, just like Marty said he was.
Then why do I have absolutely no desire whatsoever to go on a date with him?
The problem is, I’m not good at letting people down.
And faced with Lee’s kind eyes and hopeful expression, I say the only thing I can. “Sure. Let me give you my number.”
