Drinks with Marty used to be fun.
Visiting Kilborough during my time off, catching up with familiar faces, seeing the girls, having a few beers until I’m happy and buzzing, ready for Kyle to drive us back to a hotel room … where I’d end up passing out.
I scowl as I think of what he probably got up to on those nights while I was blissfully sleeping off my alcohol coma.
All of our memories together are tainted.
It’s probably a good thing. It makes it a lot easier to ignore that niggling in the back of my mind that I should go back so I don’t spend the rest of my life alone.
Forty isn’t old. But it does feel way past the premium dating age, and going through that again only to find someone who I don’t think I could ever trust properly seems exhausting.
I agree with Beau. Dating sucks.
And yet … I narrow my eyes and watch him with Lee. They’re sitting around the fire pit where we left them and flirting up a storm. Lee looks ready to eat Beau alive.
Should I be offended that Beau can go from having a crush on me one day to being completely consumed by this other dude a day later?
Though it does confirm my suspicions that hooking up made him loose-lipped and he said something that felt right in the moment but was grossly exaggerated by the mind-blowing orgasm.
It should be a relief.
It shouldn’t annoy me as much as it does.
Beau’s back to his usual awkward self, and it was easy to slip into what we were and not acknowledge what happened last night. I wasn’t sure if it was the right move, but he doesn’t exactly look cut up about it.
I take another long drink of my beer, still watching them.
Am I offended? I think so. He claimed I gave him the best hand job of his life, and here he is ready to wrap those lips around another guy’s dick, and I … don’t like it.
I’m also well aware I have no ground to stand on here since I wasn’t lying when I said I had nothing to offer Beau.
I’m not so sure Lee does either.
What I want to do is go over there and interrupt them again.
What I should be doing is asking Marty if I can move back in here.
I don’t want to though. I like living with Beau. I like my room. I like his eccentricities. I like when I’m falling asleep and can feel his breath on my back, the steady lines of the marker running across my skin.
That’s something that’s going to have to stop though. I think. I can’t argue it isn’t good for the both of us, but if he does have this crush that he claims he does, that’s the sort of thing that can blur lines.
Although …
I hate to admit this, but if Beau was dating someone, it wouldn’t be an issue.
We could go back to exactly how we were.
It means no possibility of a repeat of last night, but I think that’s off the table anyway. Unfortunately.
Because fuck me, he has one talented mouth. And that glimpse of his playful, happy self right after is something I’d like to see again.
But that Beau isn’t for me.
“You’re quiet today.”
I turn to find Lizzy assessing me. “Geez. ‘Payne you’re a loudmouth,’ ‘Payne you’re too quiet.’ Between you and your husband, I’m getting mixed signals.”
“When did he call you a loudmouth? Normally I’d agree, which is why seeing you here by yourself is weird.”
“Apparently I was interrupting his matchmaking.” I wave my hand toward where Beau and Lee are.
Lizzy follows my gaze, looking confused for a moment before it clicks. “Ah, he introduced them, did he?”
“Looks like it.”
“About time. I swear the last two dinners Lee has been over for, it’s all they’ve talked about. I almost banned Beau’s name from the dinner table.”
“You guys have Lee over?”
“Sure.” She shrugs. “We’re an old married couple, but we do have friends, you know.”
I pretend to look around the party. “Shit, is that who these people are?”
“You’re funny.”
“Seriously though, why Lee? He’s … showy.”
She tilts her head. “You think? I’ve always thought he was nice.”
“Nice. Wow. Ringing endorsement.”
“Better than what I tell people about you.”
“Oh, yeah?” I play along. “I would have thought world’s greatest brother-in-law ever was a good thing.”
“Sure. That. But also, total pain in the ass.”
That makes me laugh because I couldn’t picture Lizzy saying that about anyone. “That decides it, no more chocolate deliveries for you.”
“Oh no, I take it back.”
“Where are my wild nieces today?” I ask.
“With Mom. They get a sleepover, and Marty and I get to pretend we’re still fun adults.”
“At least you know you’re preten—oomph!”
She backhands my gut. “That’s enough from you.”
I know Lizzy and Marty need the night away from the girls, but I wish they were here. They’re always good at being a distraction.
“So, are you going to tell me what your problem with Lee is?”
“He’s not our people.”
“Uh-huh. And what is our people?”
Fucked if I can describe it. “Laid-back. Cool. He’s trying too hard.”
“Of course he is. He’s talking to the guy he has the hots for. Trust me, normally he’s way more relaxed.”
And would you look at that? Her words do the opposite of what she’d hoped they would. I dislike him even more now. I don’t want to hear that he’s nice and cool, even though the smarter part of me knows it’s a good thing.
She sighs happily. “It might work out this time, but I’m trying not to get my hopes up. Selfishly I want more couple friends, but also, Beau deserves to be happy. Every time Marty sets him up with someone, he never puts in the effort.”
“Maybe he’s uncomfortable with dating.”
“Or maybe he’s not giving any guy a chance.”
From what he said, they’re the idiots who haven’t given him a chance. “Why do you think that? If he actually wants to find someone, wouldn’t he be trying?”
“Yes, but I think the problem is he’s hung up on someone unavailable.”
I swear under my breath. “Tell me you don’t mean me.”
Her surprised stare meets mine. “You know?”
And I guess that confirms that, then. “He told me.”
“That’s surprising. What did you say?”
“What was I supposed to say?” I ask defensively. “I’m going through a divorce. I’m not gold-standard relationship material.”
“You do know those things don’t go hand in hand, right? You can be divorced—because an asshole cheated on you—but still be an awesome person to date. Just because one guy didn’t see your worth, doesn’t mean another won’t.”
“Well, after-school special aside, I’m not anywhere close to dating, worth it or not.” Which is why I’m going to have to encourage Beau where Lee is concerned. If he is as interested as Lizzy and Marty are saying, then it’s a good match. Even if I don’t think he’s good enough.
“You’re not freaking out about it?”
“The feelings thing?”
“Yeah.”
“I did at first.” Not that I’m going to tell her why. “My main concern is I don’t want to lead him on or have things get out of hand. He said it’s a crush, so I guess dating someone else will fix it.” Even if he did say something about a sexual awakening, which was flattering as hell.
She grasps my arm. “You can play matchmaker with us. You can help Beau get ready for his date and tell him all the things he can talk about.”
That suggestion sits too uncomfortably close to his one about improving that it’s hard to hold back my annoyance. “He doesn’t need anyone to tell him what to say. He’ll be fine on his own.”
“Yes, but the Beau we know and the one who ends up on those dates are two totally different guys, apparently. He has an issue with nerves.”
“And? If the guys he’s dating can’t deal with that, they shouldn’t be dating him at all.”
“It’s not like that. But, well, you know how conversations go when it’s one-sided. It makes it hard to get to know him. I’ve never seen that side of him, so it’s weird to consider, but when I see him with other men”—she gestures to where Beau and Lee are sitting—“it’s like he clams up.”
Now she’s pointed that out, I realize she’s onto something. Beau smiles and nods a lot and offers the occasional sentence, but it’s definitely less of a conversation and more Lee monologuing. Beau’s hands never stop moving, all that excess energy coming out through his fidgeting.
It shouldn’t make me happy.
It does though.
As the day moves on and the beers go down smoother, it becomes easier to relax. Lee takes up a lot of Beau’s time. At one point, I see Beau get up to take a piss, so I give it a minute before I follow him inside. I’ve barely said hello, though, when Lee pops up again.
It’s not until late, when my brain is swimming in alcohol and I order a car to pick us up, that I give in and make my way over to them.
I throw an arm around Beau’s shoulders, ignoring the look Lee gives me. “Car will be here in five to pick us up.”
“Perfect.” His cheeks are red, probably from drinking all day.
“It’s okay,” Lee says. “I can ride home with him.”
“That’s pointless when we live together.”
It’s like I can hear the thoughts racing through Lee’s mind. The intent. The need for more Beau. And maybe it’s stupid or petty of me, but I don’t want Beau so much as kissing this guy twenty-four hours after we’ve hooked up.
“The night is still young. You don’t want to go yet, do you, Beau?” Lee asks.
“Uh, well, I’m a bit tired …”
“We were up late last night,” I point out, loving the sound of those words. When Beau stiffens though, I reluctantly add, “Watching a movie. Besides, Beau isn’t the type to hook up on a first date, so you’re out of luck there, friend.”
I love the way Lee frowns. He doesn’t look so pretty now.
“That’s not what I meant.”
“Ready to go, Beau?” I ask.
“Yes. Please.”
“I’ll text you,” Lee adds.
Of course he fucking will.
We leave without so much as a goodbye, and it’s not until we climb into the back of an Uber that Beau looks at me.
“What was that?”
“What do you mean?” The question is stupid though, because we both know what he means. “Fine. I know you said you hate the small-talk part of dating, so I was trying to save you. You’re welcome.”
He hums. “I was trying to think of how to get away.”
“It’s easy. You say, ‘I’m leaving now, bye,’ and then you leave.”
Beau laughs. “It’s not that easy for me. This is what I mean. I struggle with things like that. I don’t like letting people down.”
“You’re not going to go on a date with him just because you can’t say no, are you?” Because while I might have been a dick by stepping in when I shouldn’t have, the last thing I want is Beau feeling uncomfortable.
“I should go on a date with him.”
“Right.”
“Because he seems nice.”
I snort. “That fucking word again. Nice. What an endorsement.”
“He’s hot too.”
Okay, that one I don’t like, and I shouldn’t say the thought that pops into my head, but I do. “Hotter than me?”
Thankfully, Beau laughs. “Different than you. But since you’re mentioning it, that’s exactly why I should give him a chance. Do I want to go? No. But if I don’t give anyone a chance, I’m going to end up pining after you alone, and I don’t think either of us would like that.”
That’s the reality though, isn’t it? And that’s exactly why I need to keep my nose out. It’s not up to me to decide who is good enough for Beau. “You’re right. I shouldn’t have stepped in.”
“I’m glad you did.”
“I know you are. But I shouldn’t have done it anyway.”
His phone lights up, and he tilts the screen to show me Lee’s name.
“Guy works fast.” I grunt.
“Yeah. He wants to catch up next weekend. I should do it, right?”
“It’s up to you, Bo-Bo.”
He chews on his bottom lip for a moment before nodding. “Yeah, I should.”
He’s right. I don’t like it.
“But you know what this means, don’t you?” he asks.
“Oh, yeah? What’s that?”
“You really need to get onto pointing out the dumb things I do. Fast. Because if this works out, crush gone.”
Crush gone. “And as flattering as it is, I think that’s for the best.”
