I message Art halfway through the workday to beg him to meet me at Killer Brew after work. Beau’s date is tonight, and I’m uncontrollably aware of the dread sitting heavy in my gut.
This week has been great. Eating dinner one-handed while Beau colors in my arms, talking about absolute shit, and then our date last night, which felt more like a real date than any other I’ve had.
I’m a moody shit at work all day because I selfishly don’t want him to go. We have fun together, and I know if Beau starts dating, the dynamic between us will change. Where everything has been a clusterfuck since that video two months ago, being with Beau is easy. Simple. And it’s mine.
I don’t want to share him, and I’m starting to feel … something. But what the hell do I have for Beau to be interested in? If there’s anything my marriage taught me, it’s that love is never enough.
Trusting someone again won’t be easy, and the thought of a relationship after what I’ve been through is exhausting. All I can see are the long years ahead of me. The years that were supposed to be spent with one person.
What happens if I jump into something serious and find myself in this exact position at fifty-two? I can’t go through it again.
But, on the other hand … Beau.
Ford lets me off half an hour early. He claims it’s because I’m done for the day, but I’m pretty sure he’s sick of my attitude, and I really can’t blame him. I’d worry about him firing me if he didn’t seem to like me so much.
I order a coffee at the café, then head inside Killer Brew and climb the stairs behind the bar to reach the mezzanine level. It’s a large, open wood-and-steel space. One side has a hall that leads to Art’s office, and the right side of the room has a small bar for functions. Straight ahead under the large mullioned windows is a lounge area, where Art and Griffin are waiting.
Art chuckles when he sees me. “What’s going on with you?”
“Am I that obvious?” I ask, sitting opposite them.
“Your message saying ‘help, I’ve done a stupid thing’ was a good clue.”
Fair point. On both counts.
“What’s wrong?” Griffin asks.
“This conversation would work better over beer than coffee.”
“That bad, huh?”
I rub my face with both hands, wondering how much to say. These guys won’t spread anything around, I know that, and I could use a hand on how to proceed here.
“Everything I’m about to say is between us.”
Art nods. “Obviously.”
“Beau has a thing for me,” I say.
To my surprise, neither of them looks shocked. Instead, Griffin scowls. “Dammit, now I owe Orson twenty bucks.”
“What?”
“That day we saw him here, he bet me that Beau was interested in you. Damn guy has a radar for these things.”
“Wow. Thanks for the heads-up.”
“Dude, you were living with him,” Art says. “Saying anything would have messed that up. Besides, Beau used to have the hots for you when we were younger too, so it isn’t exactly groundbreaking news. You really didn’t know?”
“No clue.”
“How did you find out?” Griffin asks.
“He told me.”
“Good for him.”
“After we hooked up.”
And there’s the shock I was expecting.
“Fuck me,” Griffin mutters. “You lucky bastard.”
I groan and cover my face again. “I thought so too until he dropped the crush thing on me.”
“Crush? What are we, in high school?” Art shakes his head. “The man has feelings for you. At least say it like it is.”
“I’m only echoing what he’s said.”
“And you believe him?” Griffin looks at me like I deserve his pity. “I’ve been with exactly one person since I was eighteen. I’m naive when it comes to relationships, but even I know crushes don’t last twenty years.”
Art agrees. “He’s downplaying.”
“Well, fuck you both very much.” This isn’t the conversation I was hoping for. “You’re supposed to be making me feel better about this whole thing. The crush made it easy to focus on being friends.”
“Oh no,” Griffin mocks. “A cute guy has the hots for you. How terrible.”
I flip him off, and he laughs.
“I take it you don’t feel the same way?”
The problem is, it’s so confusing to try and work out. I think I do. When I picture Beau, my chest gets warm, and I can’t help smile over the thought of him doing something obliviously naive. But what if I’m just latching onto the thought of him because he’s interested and my ego has been damaged? “I’m going through a divorce. That’s my only relationship focus right now.”
“So you need help with what?” Art asks. “How to act with him?”
“No, so far that part has been fine. Not a whole lot has changed, which is good.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
I cringe and take a long sip of my coffee while I think about how to word this next part without sounding like a total dick. Because … the way I feel makes me a dick. “He has a date tonight.”
“Isn’t that a good thing?” Art asks.
“Of course.” I tap my knuckles on the table. “Which is why I shouldn’t be so annoyed about it.”
Griffin leans forward. “Oh, this is good.”
“Shut up.” Art whacks the back of his head. “I thought you didn’t like him.”
“I don’t. Well, I mean … If he didn’t have a crush or feelings or whatever, I would have wanted to keep hooking up, but beyond that …” Beyond that, if I wasn’t going through a divorce, I’d be all in easily.
“Oh, so this is some kind of toxic masculinity thing?” Art asks. “Beau is your toy.”
Wow, that doesn’t make me sound good. “Is that what this is?”
“You’re the only one who knows that.”
I scowl because that doesn’t help me. “I don’t think it’s that.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
“I dunno.” It’s weird discussing this, but I know I need to. “He’s helped me with some stuff to do with my fucker ex, and I’ve helped him out with some of his book stuff. It’s like we both have each other. I don’t want that to change.”
Art and Griffin are both nodding, so at least I know I’m on the right track with explaining.
“And also, the guy he’s dating tonight is a total douche.”
Art laughs. “I know what your problem is.”
“You do?”
Griffin’s studying me. “I think I do too. Maybe.”
“Is the brain trust going to share with me?”
“You’re jealous.” Art says it like it’s the easiest thing in the world.
“Yeah, no.”
“Oh, yes.”
Fuck, I think he’s right.
“You might not be there yet, but you want to want to date him. With the divorce happening, you don’t feel like you have anything to offer, so you’re hoping he’ll hang around, stroking your ego—”
“And other things,” Griffin helpfully cuts in.
“Yes, those too. Stroking your ego and your other things until you decide a relationship is on the table.”
“Okay, so let’s say I did have feelings, it doesn’t change anything. It would still be too soon, right?”
“Why? And why is it a race? The thing is, you don’t have to act on these hypothetical feelings. Maybe they come to nothing, or maybe you want to give them time to grow, or you’re still feeling sore from being betrayed. Wherever you’re at, just be genuine with him. Spend time with him. Show him you care, even if you’re not ready to say it.”
“Hypothetically.”
Art gives me a look. “Sure, hypothetically.”
“And how does that hypothetically help me tonight?”
“It doesn’t. You’re shit out of luck there.”
I stare out at the water. “He could do so much better.”
“Beau doesn’t think so.”
That’s true. Beau has been angry over what Kyle did, but he’s never looked at me with pity. It’s one of the reasons I’m so comfortable around him. Sometimes I catch him watching me with this hopeful puppy expression, and it makes me want to be worth that level of affection. “I’m very confused.”
“I wish Orson wasn’t working,” Art says.
“Why?”
“Because of all of us, he’d understand. My marriage was over in like a second, and I jumped straight back out there.”
“And with mine,” Griffin says. “It’s been a long one, but we’re both more than ready to move on.”
“Exactly,” Art says. “Orson is the only one of us who has felt that kind of raw heartbreak and facing the uphill climb of trying to rebuild a life with someone.”
“That.” I point at him. “That’s what it is. An uphill climb.”
“Yeah, but there’s a reason people climb Everest.” Griffin rubs his jaw. “Sometimes it’s worth it. And while I might not know what you’re going through, Beau’s a catch. If there is something there, my only advice is to stop focusing on everything else because that shit is just noise. If I had a Beau after me, I wouldn’t hesitate.” He gives me an evil smile. “And if he’s still single when my divorce goes through, you better believe I’ll be hitting him up.”
Art sniggers, and I have no idea why I thought these guys would help. “I hate you both.”
Art and Griffin both offer to take me out that night, but I refuse because apparently, I’d prefer to torture myself. So instead of heading out with them to a gay bar and picking up, I go home, shower, then change into sweats and hesitate over a shirt. Beau sees me shirtless a lot, and I sort of want Lee to catch Beau checking me out like I often do, but … my damn conscience wins. I tug a T-shirt over my head and cross the hall to Beau’s room.
He’s staring into space, button-up shirt hanging open, and I let my gaze roam down his wide torso, lingering on the light hair that runs from his stomach down into his pants.
When it comes to Beau, there’s something there. But feeling a certain way and acting on it are two different things. It’s not fair on Beau for me to mention I’m interested when I can’t commit to anything.
Would it have been different?
If I’d known Beau had feelings back then, before dickweed, would I be happy now? Or would we have ended anyway? Would I have even looked at Beau like that when he was Marty’s friend?
I’m not someone who likes regrets, which is just another reason why the end of my relationship hit so hard. All that wasted time and emotional investment spent on someone who didn’t deserve it.
I don’t for a second believe Beau wouldn’t though.
But Kyle was the same in the beginning, so who knows?
And Lee’s the one who gets to be Beau’s focus tonight, so I need to suck it up and shut up about it.
I knock on Beau’s door, finally catching his attention.
“You’re still. I think it’s a miracle.”
He lets out a self-deprecating laugh. “Lost in thought.”
“Everything okay?”
“Yep.” His voice does that thing where it gets louder when he’s trying to be convincing. “I’m not sure whether I should have the shirt on yet or not. He’s picking me up in half an hour. Will I break out in a nervous sweat between now and then? There’s a high chance.”
“You’re nervous?” I’m not expecting that since Beau hasn’t appeared all that thrilled by the upcoming date.
“Yes, but I’m always nervous when I’m faced with a night of peopling with near strangers.”
“I thought you and Lee have been texting?”
“We have, but—” He shakes his head.
“But?”
Beau forces a smile that is fake as shit. “No buts. Tonight will be fine.” He buttons up his shirt, and I farewell the view.
Once he’s dressed, I plant my hands on his shoulders and steer him from the room. “You need a shot to relax.”
“Yeah, that sounds perfect, actually.”
We do a shot of scotch each, and Beau pours out a second, but I take it before he can. The burn is just what I need, and when I open my eyes to find the flat look he’s giving me, I taunt him.
“Tastes good.”
“You’re not the one who needs to calm down though.”
“Maybe not,” I agree. “But we want you relaxed, not loose. Don’t give up the goods too easily.”
He hums but doesn’t answer, which is annoying. Even though I have no right to know what his plans are or even if they do end up hooking up. I still want to tell him not to though. The thought of Lee touching him makes me want to break something.
There’s a knock at the door.
“Shit.” Beau checks his phone. “He’s early.”
“Pushy fucker.”
“No, no. It’s fine.” But Beau’s face is a splotchy pink. “I’m not even ready yet.”
“You go, I’ll let him in.”
“Okay, thanks.”
Beau darts into the hall, and I frown after him for a moment. The nervousness, him wanting to look good …
I set my jaw and move to open the front door.
And fuck a duck in a pickup truck, Lee looks good. His hair is styled, and he’s dressed in a polished way I could never pull off. The friendly expression is what really pisses me off though.
“Hi, Payne. I’m here to pick up Beau.” He glances hopefully over my shoulder, and I cross my arms, then lean against the doorframe.
“Leeroy, right?”
“Just Lee.”
“Oh, yeah, the dude from Marty’s.” I take my time to look him over, making sure my expression gets more and more unimpressed the farther I look.
I’d never thought I could be a dick like this, but hey, it’s coming surprisingly easily.
Lee shifts. “Can you let Beau know I’m here?”
“He knows. He’ll be out soon.”
“Ah. Can I wait inside for him?”
“Nope.” I don’t offer more than that. But, hey, if I can throw Lee off his game, Beau will look like a Disney prince in comparison to my attitude. “So, where are you taking Bo-Bo?”
Lee tries to hide his annoyance with me, which further supports this nice theory everyone keeps throwing around. “Dinner and a movie. Then maybe a walk along the boardwalk.”
“Wow. How long did it take you to come up with that?” Because of course the weather is perfect for their date.
I see the exact moment he works out that I’m fucking with him, but it’s not like he can call me on it. Not without knowing whether Beau values my opinion or not.
He shrugs, going for casual. “Good food, a dark cinema, and starlight.” His grin catches me off guard. “It hasn’t failed me yet.”
Beau’s bedroom door closes, and a minute later, I hear him walking up behind me. My glare is locked on Lee, and his stare is challenging me to say something.
“Sorry, I wasn’t ready,” Beau says when he joins us.
“Of course you weren’t.” I point out. “That’s what happens when people are early.”
“I’m early when I’m excited.” Damn, he’s smooth. Everything from his words to his soft smile.
Beau turns to me. “Why didn’t you invite him in?”
“I did. He said he was more comfortable out there.” Let’s see him get out of that one.
Lee’s mask doesn’t slip though. “I didn’t want to encroach on your space without you being the one to invite me in.”
“Oh.” Beau looks flustered. I hate it. “That’s … considerate.”
“You want to let my date past, buddy?” Lee asks.
I reluctantly step to the side so Beau can leave, and Lee immediately leans in to kiss him on the cheek.
“You look incredible.”
“Ah, thanks.” After a few seconds, Beau’s eyes shoot wide. “And you too. You look good as well. Sorry. Sometimes my brain just stops working and … umm, yeah.” He laughs awkwardly, sneaking a glance back at me. “You don’t have to … you know.”
Hover. Be here. I rest against the side of the door. “I’m good.”
“It’s fine anyway,” Lee says, and I track his hand as it comes to rest on Beau’s lower back. “We were leaving.”
Beau nods. “See you later, Payne.”
I stand there, watching them walk down the hallway, knowing I shouldn’t have interfered but also knowing I couldn’t have held back.
Art and Griffin are right.
I do want to keep Beau until I’m ready.
Fuck if that doesn’t make me a total asshole.
Even that thought can’t stop me from leaning out into the hall and calling after them. “I’ll wait up!”
