Wow, am I a bumbling idiot or a bumbling idiot?
Thirty-six. I’m thirty-freaking-six, and I still trip over my words when Payne is around, like I’m going through puberty again. It definitely doesn’t help that the years have been kind to him.
Instead of looking older, he looks manlier. Broader and scruffier. From the short beard to the messy hair, to the way his shoulders strained that T-shirt.
I was caught totally off guard.
Normally, when he visits, it’s for a family thing. One of the girls’ birthdays or Christmas or something so I’m able to prepare and psych myself up. Plus, being married put a damper on things, to the point I’d thought my crush was on the way out. But nope. Still here. Still strong. Still want to lick his neck.
I clench both coffees tighter as I reach the place where I’m meeting Marty. Every Friday, we catch up for his lunch break and take a walk around the lake. It gets me out of the house and socializing because if I’m left to my own devices, weeks could pass before I realize I haven’t spoken to anyone in that time.
I’m … well, lonely isn’t the right word. I like my space and solitude, but some days I wish I had someone to live alongside me. Someone who won’t interrupt while I work, someone who accepts my quirks and won’t make me feel weird about them.
But apparently that someone doesn’t exist.
Or, if they do, I’ve probably been set up on a date with them and forgotten about it.
I’ve been called scatterbrain too many times to count, but this morning, I’m not the one who’s conveniently forgotten something.
I pin Marty with a look as I approach. He has the same light brown hair as Payne, but unlike his brother, it’s short, he doesn’t have tattoos, and he’s clean-shaven. Plus, Marty has lines around his mouth and eyes where Payne’s skin is still mostly smooth. And gorgeous. They might look similar to most people, but I don’t see it.
For me, Marty is like an annoying brother.
Payne is like … a wet dream.
Marty goes to smile when he spots me, but it dies before it can properly take hold. “Uh-oh. What’s wrong?”
“Oh no, no, nothing. Nothing at all.”
“Something’s telling me not to believe you.”
I hand his coffee over. “Apparently Payne is moving back?”
“Oh, that.” He gives me a weird look. “Yeah, he and Kyle split. What does that have to do with anything?”
“Just surprised to see him, that’s all.”
Marty looks confused, and I don’t blame him.
I want to push and ask more, but it’s hard to do that when Marty is blissfully ignorant of my crush on his brother. If Lizzy was here, she’d give me all the information I want without me having to say a thing. It’s baffling how it’s so obvious to her when Marty is completely unaware, but I’m grateful she’s never said anything.
“What happened with the breakup?”
Marty’s expression darkens as we fall into step with each other. “I still can’t believe it.”
“Believe what?”
“Look, I’m not sure how much Payne wants people to know, considering he hasn’t even told us the full story, but … Kyle cheated. Maybe a lot, but it’s definitely over.”
My mouth drops. Kyle cheated? On Payne? My heart thumps as angry indignation creeps up my throat.
Ever since I hit puberty and discovered how good jerking off felt, Payne’s been a constant in my fantasies. Not only is he so hot he makes me drool, he’s got a relaxed confidence about himself. Where some of our other friends’ older brothers were dickheads, Payne always included Marty and me.
Then he went off to college and moved to Boston, where he met Kyle. His wedding day was the one time I wished Payne wasn’t a decent enough human to invite me. Sitting through him promising some other guy forever was painful.
Kyle got to have that. Payne’s loyal—he would have been married to that guy until they died—and that stupid fuck threw it all away. I don’t even have it in me to be excited by the prospect of Payne being single when I’m too pissed that someone would do that to him.
If Payne was my husband, I’d make sure he knew how amazing he is.
“Wow.” The one word is too inadequate to encompass my feelings, but I don’t want to give myself away.
“Yeah. All I can think of are the times he stayed with us and played the part of happy families. Was he sleeping around on my brother then?” Marty almost growls. “I want to kill him.”
“Happy to take a drive to Boston with you if you want backup.”
“If I knew where he lived now, I’d probably take you up on the offer.”
“Probably a good thing since neither of us knows how to swing a punch.” Marty is a lover, not a fighter, and so am I. Where the other guys in high school were looking to get into fights, we both ran the other way. “At least Payne’s home now.”
“Exactly.”
“So where is he planning to stay?” I ask.
“Our place.” Marty pulls a face. “We offered to move both the girls’ beds into one room so he could have the other to set up in, but he tried to insist on the couch. So, we’re compromising. He’s taking one of the girls’ beds, and they’re sharing.”
My lips twitch. “Payne? In a single bed?”
“I know. I give him two days before he caves and buys something bigger.”
“Payne’s not the kind of guy to complain. I bet he makes do.”
Marty suddenly stops walking. “Hang on. You have a spare room, don’t you?”
“Umm …” Yes, Beau, the answer is yes. “I do …” And the thought of Payne living in that room? It both fills me with anxiousness and so much want that I might pass out.
“How do you feel about a roommate?” Marty laughs like he’s joking, but he’s really, really not. “It’d only be for a couple of weeks. Or so. Probably.”
Crap.
A couple of weeks is exactly enough time for me to become embarrassingly addicted to having him around.
Or … maybe it would cure me of my crush once and for all.
I hate people in my space. I’ve had roommates before, and those arrangements did not end amicably. They always found me too fussy, and I found them too loud. And intrusive. And … inconvenient.
One part of me doesn’t want to let this crush go, but the thing is, I do want to find my person, and it’s going to be doubly hard to do that with Payne back in Kilborough all … gorgeous and irresistible and available with me comparing every man I meet to him. It was easier to date when he was gone and married.
Easier, but still not successful. I’m worried I have no clue how to date. How to relate to people and loosen the reins so that I’m boyfriend material. “Fussy” isn’t something I want to be, but I don’t even know what I’m doing to project that trait.
I’m not easygoing like Payne, as much as I’d like to be.
And then, like a light bulb going off, I’m hit with the most fantastic, terrific plan of all plans.
If Payne moves in, we can both focus on the other’s flaws. I’ll cure my crush, and he can point out the things I’m doing wrong. He can make me dating material.
Oooh yes, I’m liking this.
It’s more or less foolproof.
The thing is, Payne will probably say no. He doesn’t like to put people out, but maybe if I can get the girls on board …
“You know what, I think I could do it for a couple of weeks,” I say.
Marty lets out a long breath. “As much as I’d love for him to stay with us, I think everyone would be happier if he wasn’t squished into Digit’s room.”
“Including Bridget.” She’s a bossy little six-year-old—in only the best way, of course—so I can’t imagine she’s too happy with the arrangement. “And I can’t let my oldest niece be inconvenienced in any way, can I?”
“Heaven forbid she doesn’t turn into a spoiled brat.”
I chuckle into my coffee. “Don’t worry. I’m still thinking about getting her a pony. I’ll turn her into a diva yet.”
Marty swipes at my head, and we finish our walk without mentioning Payne again. It takes nearly all of my self-control to keep my thoughts to myself, but I play nice and talk to him about work, and the kids, and the book I’m working on.
We make our way back over to the office building where Marty works. “Why don’t you come around tomorrow for lunch? Then you can suggest for him to move in? Please? I can’t do it because I don’t want him to think that we don’t want him there.”
I promise I will, then set about a hundred reminders in my phone so I don’t forget. Though with how nervous I am about seeing Payne again, I don’t think I’ll be able to focus on anything else.
What am I doing? This is going to be the most self-indulgent, torturous thing I’ve ever done. Payne in small doses keeps my feelings controllable, but him around all the time? Maybe getting to know each other better one-on-one?
I fan out the collar of my shirt, suddenly feeling borderline hysterical.
The silver lining to this is that since I know he’s here now, I won’t make a fool of myself like I did earlier. When I’m prepared to see him, I can behave like a normal human; it’s only when I’m caught off guard that my words become a mess.
Shit.
This is going to be interesting.
