I want to feel you inside me.
I’ve never needed anything more.
Well, fuck you very much, past Payne. So much for not confusing this thing and leading Beau on.
My ass feels pleasantly raw, ruined pillow on the ground beside the bed, and the smell of Beau’s shampoo fills the room from the shower we took to clean up.
He’s sleeping peacefully beside me, and every time I catch a glimpse of his face in the low light from his window, my heart twists.
He deserves so much better than this.
He deserves someone who can be one hundred percent committed to him and only him.
I want to be that man.
I want to be the one to treat him how he deserves to be treated.
And the only way to do that is to work toward it.
I have no house, a shitty job, and a divorce that’s barely even pending.
I’m a real catch.
I sigh into the darkness, wishing I could snap my fingers and fix shit.
The more time I spend with Beau, the less hold that doubt has though because when I picture settling down with someone, it’s not as overwhelming when he’s the one I picture doing it with.
We could have this. Exactly this. The spending time together and living together and fucking each other’s brains out, because how is what we’re doing any different from being in an actual relationship?
And considering what I’ve been through, I should be wary or holding back. I should be protecting myself better than this. But I trust Beau, and I don’t know what he’s done to earn that, but fuck if I can picture him hurting me.
But if I want to even think about asking him for more and being who he needs me to be, I need to sort my life out. The sale on my Boston apartment has a short close and goes through officially this week, which means I’ll have financial independence again.
First step, finding a place to live.
Second step, a job.
Third step, get this goddamn divorce finalized.
Fourth step, telling Beau I want more.
Careful not to wake him, I pull out my phone and search apartment listings. There are a few around, but the more I look at them, the more it feels like taking a step back to what I had in Boston. Prices are cheaper here, being two hours away from the city, so I could technically go for something a bit bigger.
But bigger to me screams family. It’s something I’ve never thought about beyond a husband because Kyle didn’t want kids, and I didn’t have much preference either way. I have my nieces, who are the world to me, but if I had the option, would I want one of my own?
I delete apartments from my search and check all the places available. Big homes, rooms for rent, condos, and … I pause over the listing for the land we were at yesterday. It doesn’t have a price, but I’d bet it’s a lot. Too much.
Which is a shame because I felt an immediate boost being out there. I’m grateful to Ford for taking a chance on me and giving me a job to get through, but being inside all day isn’t me. Even as a teacher, I took the class outside as much as I could, and I had a big window in my office that overlooked a leafy quad.
I’ve left my resume at the high schools, but they close for the summer soon, and kept on top of job advertisements, but there hasn’t been anything close to what I’m after except a part-time summer camp counselor, and I’m about twenty years too old for that, plus it was an hour and a half away.
I look at the land again. It actually would be a good location for a summer camp. It’s a huge parcel, and the cottage there looked weather-beaten but sturdy. It was also the perfect size between an apartment and a house.
I groan because it doesn’t matter how perfect it could be; I don’t even have to ask to know the price is too far out of my budget, especially when I’m making shit all at work.
“What’s wrong?” Beau asks sleepily.
“Nothing. Go back to sleep.”
His eyes snap open. “You’re not having regrets, are you?”
I laugh softly. “None.” It’s the opposite, but I can’t tell him that. I nod to my phone. “Been thinking and trying to work out what my next steps are.”
“And is there a reason you’re suddenly doing that right after sex with me?”
I lean forward and kiss him. “I promise there are no regrets. Stop stressing. I couldn’t sleep, and it’s no secret I’m not happy with where my life is at the moment.”
“Because of your job?”
“Yep.” And before he can doubt again, I add, “It’s like I’m twenty-two again and trying to build a life for myself. I’m a forty-year-old man starting from scratch, and that’s a huge deal to me.”
Beau shuffles up onto his elbows and looks down at me. “Why are you starting from scratch?”
“I have to find a job, a place to live—and yes I love living here with you, but it was only ever supposed to be short term. I need a place that’s mine. A place where I can settle and know that’s it for at least the next twenty years.”
“You could live here for twenty years.” He pouts, and it’s adorable.
I slap his bare ass. “And as much as I love living here and having regular sex with you, I need my own place. For me.”
He perks up. “Regular?”
“Of course you’d focus on that.” But it proves we’re on the same page. “But I’m not in a hurry to stop if you aren’t.”
“No rush on my end.”
“Good.” I know I shouldn’t say this next part, but I can’t stop myself. I want Beau to know that me wanting a place has nothing to do with not wanting him. “And even when I move out, I don’t think I’ll want to stop then either.”
“Payne, that, umm … that almost sounds close to a relation—”
I cover his mouth with my palm. “I really care about you, but there are things I want to figure out before jumping into whatever comes next.”
Still, when I remove my hand, his smile is enormous.
“Don’t look at me like that,” I warn.
“Like what?”
I roll on top of him, pressing him to the bed. Nose to nose, I kiss him. “Like I’m better than I am.”
“You do know that things aren’t what make you, right? I liked you before your job and fancy apartment. I liked you before getting married or divorced. I still like you because you’re working hard, no matter what it’s at, and you never make me feel …” His nose wrinkles. “Umm … different. You’re there for me in a way I’ve never had before. I’ve had you on this ridiculous pedestal our entire lives, and you’ve still managed to surpass the image I built.”
I sigh, pressing my forehead to his collarbone, not feeling worthy. “I don’t know what I did to deserve all that, but I’m going to earn it.”
“You already have.”
I cup his face and kiss him slowly, taking my time and enjoying the moment. He shifts, and his hard cock brushes my leg, and it almost makes me laugh. I’m nowhere near ready to go again, but that doesn’t mean I can’t help him out.
I break from his lips and push back, settling between his thighs. “My turn.” I swallow him to the root, then do everything I can to drive him mad. He tastes like soap and precum. It’s so fucking hot to watch the way my mouth drives him crazy, and when Beau squirms on the bed, one hand gripping my head, I tighten the suction and work him over as fast as I can.
His thighs flex as he comes, and seeing Beau lose his damn mind is something I don’t think I’ll ever be sick of. It’s glorious.
When he slumps back into the bed, I pull off and prop my head on his stomach. He’s still breathing deep, and his red lips are begging me to kiss him again, but somehow I manage to resist.
“Goddamn you’re good at that,” he says.
I pump my eyebrows. “I love it too.”
He lets out a long, happy exhale and strokes my hair for a minute before he shifts, and my phone lights up where I dropped it.
Beau gestures to it. “What were you looking at?”
I reach over and open the page again, showing it to him.
“Trent’s land?”
“I was trying to think of ideas on what it could be used for, but it’ll be too expensive.”
“What ideas did you have?”
“A summer camp was one of them.”
He nods, and I can tell he’s thinking. I give him time. “A summer camp limits the market though, doesn’t it?”
“Yeah, I guess. This town is seasonal though.”
“It is, but you need to make a living the rest of the year.”
He’s right. “Like I said, just daydreaming.”
“Well, hold on. I think you’re on the right track.”
“You do?”
“Yeah.” He tugs his bottom lip between his teeth, and then it pops out again as his face lights up. “You could do the summer camp and then through the rest of the year offer something that would cater to schools.”
“What do you mean?”
“Well, something like what I wrote today. A training … something or—”
The idea pops into my head, fully formed and addictive. “Like an adventure land type of thing. Obstacle courses and team-building exercises. Get some local schools on board. And if I do a summer camp, I’ll have accommodation I can offer for school groups who come from further away …”
“Yes. You could do some sport-type things, have animals … oh! A paintball range you could hire out for parties. Maybe spooky themed twilight mazes—”
“Match everything else in this damn town?”
“Exactly.”
My heart is beating fast in excitement. I can see it all. Everything he’s describing. Cabins lining the far woods at the back of the block, animals in the front paddock, and all the equipment in the back one. Behind the cottage is a big enough space to set up a paintball range—maybe even lasers for the younger kids and …
I sigh and close my phone. “It’s a nice idea.”
“Then make it happen.”
“Beau …” I laugh. “Imagine how much that land costs.”
“It’s not specified.”
“Yes, but it’s huge. I made a good profit off my last place, but not that good. Not to mention the set-up costs.”
He shakes his head. “Is this something you want to do?”
“Well, yes, but—”
“Then we’ll make it happen.”
“Make it happen,” I repeat. “It’s not that—”
“Stop. One thing I know about you is you don’t give up when you want something. If you want this, we’ll make it happen.”
And when he says it like that, I can imagine it. It doesn’t sound impossible. “We?”
“You’ve done nothing but help me when it comes to my work. Let me return the favor.”
“You’re not going to offer me money, are you?”
“Would it matter if I did?”
Hmm. On one hand, I’ve never been one of those people who worries too much about money so long as I have enough coming in to live a decent life. That said, I also don’t like handouts, and the money we’re talking about here would be a lot. I don’t want to have to rely on Beau for every little thing. “If I keep leaning on you when I need something, I’ll never learn to do shit myself.”
“Do you need to learn that?”
“Of course I do.”
“Says who?”
I tickle his ribs and make him squirm. “Literally every self-help person goes on about being self-sufficient.”
“I think that’s the worst thing you can be. I offered you a room I wasn’t using, and in return you showed me I could be myself around someone and they’d accept me. Whether anything happens between us or not, I’m not going to settle for less. What I gave you was material and worthless to me but meant a lot to you. And what you gave me can’t be replaced. When did sharing what we have with people become this huge deal? Pooling resources used to be necessary for survival, and now all people do is hoard what others need.”
“Yes, but me showing you basic decency isn’t the same thing as you giving me a place to live.”
“Says who? You’re the first person to offer that to me. I needed it. I was the first person to offer you a room because you needed it. Seems the same to me.”
I tip my head forward to press a kiss to the trail of light hair running down to his groin. I’m still not sure I agree with him, but he does have a point.
His fingers run through my hair, and he gives it a tug, coaxing me to look up at him. “We can at least look into it, can’t we?”
Every stubborn bone in my body is telling me to say no, to do this myself. But … I want Beau’s help on this. “We can try.”
