Not getting excited. That’s definitely not a thing that I am doing.
Even if we’re acting like a couple.
And things are great.
And I feel more for him now than I ever thought it was possible to feel about anyone.
All the sex is great, but when we’re talking or eating together, when he drags me out of the house for walks, or helps me with problems on my book, or lets me relax by coloring his tattoos, I can feel the connection. And I fall in love with him even more.
It’s a windy summer day when I get to the Killer Brew and grab coffees to go and meet Marty. I’m early, so once I have our order, I take the long way, walking past Ford’s Garage, hoping to run into Payne. It’s a big lot with a shiny office building up front and a huge open garage where they work on the cars out back. I scan the lot, looking from one person to the next, but he mustn’t be out there.
A car pulls up in the parking lot just as I’m about to keep walking, and Ford jumps out.
“Hey, Beau. What’s up?”
“I was on my way to meet Marty and thought I’d see if Payne was on lunch, but he must be busy.”
“Lunch?” Ford chuckles. “He took the day off today, didn’t he tell you?”
“No.” It’s surprising, but then, I was in bed this morning until right before I had to leave, so it’s not like he had the chance to. “Is he sick?”
“Don’t think so. He said yesterday he had to drive down to Boston to meet someone.”
Meet someone?
I force a smile and thank him, then numbly head to where I’m meeting Marty. If Payne knew he was going to meet someone yesterday, I don’t understand why he wouldn’t have mentioned it last night. If it was a friend, that’s the sort of thing that would have come up when we were cooking dinner together. Well, together is a teeny exaggeration since I didn’t do much but stir a pot, but still. We were there. We were talking. Payne tells me everything.
Right?
Right?
The panic that grips me is a good indication of my suspicion on who Payne has gone to meet.
Kyle has been trying to get in touch. Did he manage it? What does he want, to get back together?
Fuck no.
No, no.
He doesn’t deserve Payne. He fucked up, and it’s my turn now.
I want to say with complete confidence that there’s no way Payne would go back to that asshole, but then … why wouldn’t he have said something?
He’s told me everything about them, even things he hasn’t told Marty. He’s shared how the whole thing made him feel, the porn, the real story that he’s glossed over with everyone else.
I knew Kyle wanted to see him.
So why didn’t he tell me he was going?
The only reason I can come up with is that he’s not sure how he feels about seeing Kyle again.
And if he’s not sure, then how can I be sure he’ll come back to me?
We’re not official. We haven’t discussed dating for real.
I thought we were waiting to see what evolved, but what if what evolves is that he and his husband work things out, how am I supposed to deal with that?
I’m well on my way to panic-town when I reach Marty and hold out his coffee.
His eyes immediately narrow in concern. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing.” I shake my head because it’s not like I can tell him I’m in love with his brother and we’ve been sleeping together. I almost wish Lizzy was here so that I could tell her the full story, have her yell at me for being a dumbass, and then get squashed in reassuring hugs.
“You’re seriously pale, man. Here, sit down.”
I shake off his concern and step away from the bench he’s trying to steer me toward. “It’s fine. I’m fine. Just … things on my mind.”
It’s clear he doesn’t believe me, but I’m not doing a convincing job either.
“You know what I want?” he asks. “A beer. Maybe I can call in for the afternoon and we’ll go to the Killer Brew? It’s been ages since we’ve hung out properly.”
“You’re not subtle at all.”
He laughs, and my heart pangs at how much it reminds me of Payne. “Come on, man. Drinks? Please?”
“It’s not like I have anything else to do with my day.” Because there’s no way I’ll be able to focus on work, knowing where Payne is.
We ditch our coffees, then walk the two blocks to the brewery. As usual for the day, the market is full and the bar side is quiet, apart from people grabbing lunch in the booths.
We take a seat at the bar and order our drinks, before I say, as casually as I can, “Talk to your brother today?”
“Nah, why?”
“No reason.” Because I want to know if he’s seeing his stinking ex.
Marty turns on his stool to face me. “Well, that was a lie. What’s going on? Did you guys have a fight? Please say no—I can’t handle him back on my couch.”
I stifle my dislike at the thought of us fighting. “Nothing like that.”
“Then what is it?”
There’s a spot on the mirrored wall above the bar, and I stare at it, mentally running through what I can actually tell him. The annoying part is I can’t come up with any tidbit to throw him off because … I want to tell him. “I don’t think I can say.”
“Why?”
“Because it’s not just about me.”
“For fuck’s sake, Beau. I’m your best friend. You can tell me anything.”
Damn, I wish that was true. “I don’t know how you’ll take it.”
“Take what?” I can feel him watching me.
“The thing I need to say and want to tell you but can’t.”
“And now you’re speaking in riddles.” He runs his hand back over his short hair. “You’re upset, and if I didn’t know better, I’d say you’ve had your heart broken, or—”
My head snaps toward him.
Marty’s eyes get wide. “You … wait, what? Who have you been—” His mouth drops. “Oh, fuck no.”
“Umm … ‘fuck no’ what?” My gut hollows at the way he’s looking at me because I’m on the fence about whether he’s about to throw fists or start yelling.
Surely he doesn’t actually give a shit? He wouldn’t be mad, right? I mean, Payne is his brother so—
Marty cracks up laughing. “Payne? There is no way. Please tell me I’m wrong.”
I cringe. “And if I can’t?”
The amusement slips from his face. “Payne?”
I hum.
“And you?”
“You could sound a little less disgusted.”
“Sorry, I’m …” He looks away. “Processing.”
“Can you process a bit faster? Because I’m scared you’re mad, and I really need to talk about this.”
“I’m not mad, I … I don’t get it. He’s just left his husband, like … are you guys fucking around or, wow. I have no idea what’s going on.”
“That would make two of us.” I take a long gulp of beer.
Marty cringes. “I knew I spotted a hickey on Payne’s neck when you two came over the other week.”
“Guilty.”
“Let’s move to a booth. This isn’t a bar top conversation.”
I think that’s actually the perfect setting for regurgitating your every thought and fear onto a person, but I follow Marty anyway.
He’s quiet for a minute after sliding in, and then he sighs. “All right, I think I need you to explain, because I don’t understand. How did it happen, and why are you looking so upset?”
“Well … I guess the first thing you should probably know is that I have feelings for Payne.”
“Okay …”
“And have since high school.”
“Fucking what?” He tips his beer up and drains the glass. “You mean, like, you had a crush? And it’s back?”
“No, I mean I’ve had real feelings for him for maybe twenty years, and every time I see him is hard.”
“But … you were at his wedding, and …”
“Yeah, that was torture.”
“You’ve dated people.”
“And it’s never worked out.” I take a steadying breath. “I’ve been able to ignore it and resign myself to the reality that I’d never have that chance with him, and then he showed up, newly separated and looking for a place to live.”
“Which I begged you to give him.” Marty cringes. “Is this my fault?”
“No. It was my choice, and I’m glad I did it. We’ve gotten to know each other and started hooking up, and until maybe an hour ago, I’d thought there was a chance it could be going somewhere.”
“Then what’s the problem?”
“I stopped by the garage to see him, and Ford said he was off today to go and meet with someone in Boston.”
“Okay?”
“In Boston.” My voice breaks. “And he didn’t tell me. That can only be one person.”
“You think he’s seeing Kyle?”
I slump in my booth. “Yes. Wait, no, I don’t think, I’m sure. He didn’t tell me, and Payne tells me everything.”
“Then maybe there’s a good reason for it.”
“Yeah. That he’s worried they might sort things out.”
All the tension melts from Marty, and he watches me with sympathetic eyes. “You actually think that, or are you being insecure?”
“How am I supposed to know? We haven’t talked about us further than seeing what happens, and even though he knows how I feel about him, he’s never mentioned how he feels. Isn’t that a massive red flag?”
“No, it sounds like Payne.”
I play with my nail as I say, “He’s always said that if he was weaker, he’d go back to Kyle and try to make things work. How do I know that isn’t what’s happening here?”
“You’re right, you don’t.”
Ouch. That isn’t the response I’d been hoping for.
“What do you like about him?” Marty asks. “Why is it feelings for you and not just superficial attraction?”
I frown and think. “He’s … genuine. And nice. He’s always made time for me, and even before he knew me well, he’d make conversation and not be pushy or feel like he wanted to be anywhere else. He’s … relaxing. And he has a big heart. And he leaves me paper cranes when he thinks I need them, and lets me draw on his tattoos, and keeps my dinner warm if I’m working and he doesn’t want to interrupt me …” Yikes. Just thinking about those things is bringing a lump to my throat. I can’t lose that. I really, really can’t.
“Exactly.”
I glance up at Marty, and he leans closer.
“Payne is a good guy. And while he’s my brother and I totally think you could do a thousand times better, I also know he’s not going to fuck with you. Do you trust him?”
“Of course.”
“So trust that he knows what he’s doing. If he knew you had feelings for him, he wouldn’t have started anything with you unless he thought there might be something there. Kyle is a dickweed. Maybe he said he’d go back if he was weak, but that’s one thing Payne isn’t. He takes the hard road if it’s for the best, and you need to believe that whatever he’s doing, he’s doing it for the right reasons.”
And I … can’t argue with any of that. I scowl. “I know you’re right, but … even the smallest hint of losing him … I don’t think I can do it. I’m so in love with him even the thought of it makes me feel sick.”
“Why did you do this to yourself?”
I give him a self-deprecating smile. “Because I finally had a chance with him. It’s worth it, even if I ended up heartbroken.”
“Oh yeah? And how does it feel now?”
“Horrible.” And it occurs to me that even feeling like this, even if Payne came home tonight and told me it was over, I’d still do it all again. “But so worth it.”
