JAX’S BREATH fanned over the side of my neck with each exhale, and the heat of his body wrapped around mine and warmed me through my core. My ribs squeezed, and I snuggled deeper, burying my face into his chest, allowing myself a few seconds of indulgence in this quiet moment. I was warm, comfortable, secure, and an overwhelming sense of safety had my breath hitching. I’d broken rule number two last night, the one that was supposed to keep me from catching feelings. The one I should’ve known better. I couldn’t hold on to Jax, but he’d quickly become an addiction I wasn’t sure I wanted to break. At least not yet.
I worked my way from under his arm, not ready to face that thought head-on, and gathered my things as quietly as I could. Still fully dressed from last night, I was able to escape quickly down the stairs.
Lucas, Alex, and River were already awake, and they gave me friendly hellos with knowing smiles.
I fought down the blush threatening my cheeks. “Morning.”
“Want some pancakes?” Alex asked, gesturing to the full plate on the counter with his spatula.
“I’ve got to take off, but thanks, though,” I answered, making my way to the door, where Lucas stood with his hands in his pockets. He wore a crisp white T-shirt and a ball cap with the Huskies logo on it.
He greeted me with a grin, but it didn’t reach his eyes.
“Everything okay? How’s Piper?”
He shook his head. “She’s great. Everything is great.”
I wasn’t sure I could believe him with how he stared at me. “Spit it out, Lucas.”
“I just don’t want to see this all fall apart at the end of the year.”
“Are you worried I’m going to be hurt?” I tried for my most nonchalant cocky tone.
“No, I’m terrified he will be.”
I took a step back, not prepared for that.
Lucas held up his hand. “You’ve got to understand Jax has been closed off since Marcus died. Sure, he’s messed around, but you’re different. You’ve opened something in him we’ve all noticed.”
All the guys nodded.
“But…” Lucas paused.
“But Jax’s leaving.” My voice was quiet. “What are you asking of me, Lucas?”
“Fuck if I know.” He shook his head. “If I had a single clue how to go about this without the disaster coming at you in the end, I would tell you.”
I patted his shoulder and tried to act more confident than I felt. “Don’t worry. I’ve got this.”
His eyes still looked unsure, but he nodded and gave me one of his signature grins. “You better, because I’m not dealing with his mopey ass in the changing room.”
All the guys laughed, but I couldn’t help staying quiet. I didn’t want to hurt him—we were playing a dangerous game, and neither of us could stop.
I got home, and Anthony and Curtis were sitting on our sofa, smiling at me. They both wore pajamas, and Anthony’s sandy-brown hair was sticking up, no doubt from his boyfriend’s fingers last night.
Anthony sipped his coffee and smiled. “Spill. I need all the deets.”
“There are no deets. I crashed at Jax’s place because it was late.”
“You can’t even look at me when you say that. Now, tell me everything.”
I gnawed on my lower lip and sucked in a breath. I wasn’t ready to analyze what had happened last night or what it might lead to.
Curtis took pity on me. “Leave her alone, Anthony. Poor girl just got home.”
“Thank you,” I said, giving him my brightest smile.
“Plus, you look like you got thoroughly laid, so we can easily guess what happened,” he said, looking over the rim of his coffee.
I scoffed. “We didn’t have sex.”
“You did something” was his quick reply.
When I didn’t deny it, Anthony made a whooping sound. “’Bout fucking time.”
“Remember, I’m avoiding relationships? I literally have rules.”
“Sounds like he’s enjoying breaking them. Tell me. How many have you crossed so far?”
I huffed out a breath. He wouldn’t stop until I gave them something. “Three, okay? Kissing, and, well, last night was the second time I’ve slept over.”
“Wouldn’t you say four’s broken? You know, since he’s a hockey player,” Curtis said, enjoying this entirely too much.
“Whatever.”
Anthony barked out a laugh. “Sidney, that’s literally the only one that had any actual backing. You know, with your dad being in the NHL.”
He wasn’t wrong, but it turned out I wasn’t immune to the allure of hockey players. Lucas’s words of concern filtered through my brain. I had to remember to keep distance between Jax and me. Because whatever was happening would end when we graduated. That was one thing I wouldn’t budge on. “Just drop it. Okay?”
Anthony tilted his head, and Curtis sank into the crook of his arm as they both watched me. “Sure, Sidney. There’s some coffee ready if you want some.”
I grinned. “You should’ve led with that.”
I sat cross-legged studying on my bed when my phone vibrated with a video call. I answered it on my computer, and my dad’s smiling face popped up on my screen.
“Hey, kiddo.”
He looked put together and professional, as always. Ever since he became a head coach, his wardrobe had comprised tailored suits and freshly pressed dress shirts.
“Hey, Dad. How’s…” I took a second to remember what city they were playing in. I tried not to follow them. “Ottawa?”
“Cold.” He chuckled. “How’s my favorite daughter?”
I rolled my eyes. “Only daughter.”
“Still my favorite.”
I hated these conversations. Where he pretended like everything was fine and we were actually close. When reality was we barely knew each other, he was so wrapped up in his career.
“You going to come visit soon?” I left the fact he’d skipped his last two planned visits unsaid.
“Yeah, the team’s got a break coming up. I’ll be able to fly in then. I miss you, kiddo.”
He wouldn’t miss me if he’d just show up now and then. I ignored the pain in my chest, pushing it down to where I couldn’t feel it anymore. I knew better than to trust the words of someone who put hockey in front of me. “I miss you too.”
His eyebrow rose, but he let my tone go. “What’s new? How’s class going?”
This time, my smile reached my eyes. “I got the internship!”
“That’s amazing. Way to go, sweetie.” Pride filled his voice. “See, all that hard work paid off. I’m proud of you.”
My mom wasn’t the only one who preached hard work and sacrifice growing up. What else could I expect from a dad in pro sports?
“Yeah, I guess.” I turned my face so he couldn’t read my expression.
“You still not dating. You know, I’ve always thought that was going a bit too far.”
Said the guy who abandoned his family. Thoughts of Jax invaded my mind, and the question of what if snuck in. I wasn’t quick enough to hide it from my face.
My dad smiled. “Oh, you are? Does he go to school with you? What’s his major?”
“Kinesiology.” The second I said it, I knew it was a mistake.
His brows pulled together. “He’s not in sports, is he?”
Lie, or don’t lie. That was the question. Unfortunately, I was a horrible liar. “Yeah, he is, but don’t worry, we aren’t serious.”
My dad’s voice lowered, anger building. “What sport does he play, Sidney?”
I hated when he called me that. I took a deep breath, bracing myself, and got it over with. “Hockey.”
“Did you not learn anything from me and your mother?” his voice boomed, just shy of yelling.
“It’s different. We’re different. We’re not even dating.”
“Listen to me, Sidney. I loved your mother, but everything changes when you get to the NHL.”
“It’s not like that,” I protested.
“It’s always like that. I’ve been in this business for twenty years. First as a player and now as a coach, and one thing stays the same.” He leaned into his screen and stared me down. “Every rookie is a jackass, and hockey will always come first.”
There it was. There was the reminder I needed. I locked down the pain his words created, even their existence, proof that I let this get too far. “I’ve got it under control.”
“You better, Sidney. I promise you this. You’ll regret it if you don’t.”
The rest of the conversation was tense, and I broke it off early, using the excuse of needing to study. He gave me a quick I love you and hung up before I could say it back. I let the air whoosh from my lungs and dropped my head back on my pillow. Today really said, You’re making a mistake. Then repeatedly nailed it home.
My dad was right. I needed to throw the brakes on with Jax before I screwed everything up. I groaned, lifting to pull my computer onto my lap. The Human Behavior midterm presentation was in two weeks, and even though Jax and I had studied, I was still terrified I would fail miserably. I needed that recommendation more than I needed anything else. It was the last hurdle standing in my way.
An hour into studying, my phone vibrated.
Jax: You took off this morning.
Shit.
Me: I had to get home. Studying and all that.
Bubbles started and stopped on the screen for several seconds before his text finally came through.
Jax: Is everything ok?
Me: Of course.
Lie. I sucked in a breath, fighting back the burning in my eyes, and turned off my phone.
