“WELL, Mom. I got the email last week. One more recommendation, and it’s a done deal.” A gust of wind raised goose bumps over my neck, and I flipped the collar of my blue wool jacket to protect my ears.
“Don’t worry, though. I’ve never failed to win a professor over before. I don’t plan on fucking it up this time.” My hand flew up to cover my mouth as soon as the words came out.
“Sorry, I guess I’m too old to wash my mouth out with soap, anyway.” I joked and brushed the dirt from around her gravestone, arranging the faux flowers in their plastic vase. The ground was frozen solid, so it was more habit than necessity, but I couldn’t stop myself from fussing each time I visited.
“I wish you were here.”
My fingers trembled as I traced the words engraved in the stone.
A loving mother
Gone too soon.
“I could really use one of your cheesy motivational speeches right now.” I sniffed, pausing a second to control my breath. “Sometimes, I try to guess what you’d say: You can do anything you set your mind to. Or your personal favorite: Your dreams are worth the sacrifices you make.”
A chill climbed up my legs, and I shifted in place. “You were right, Mom. I’ve been sacrificing, and I’m so close I can taste it.”
An icy tear rolled down my cheek, and I wiped it away, not wanting it to leave streaks down my cold cheeks. You would’ve thought the eight years since the accident would make this easier.
“I miss you. I miss your hugs, the way you always knew what to say, and breakfast in bed when it’s raining.” The words caught in my throat, and I had to take several breaths to get myself under control. She’d left me five years ago, and there was nothing I could do about it. “You’d be proud of me. I’m following in your footsteps. I’m going to make it. Promise.”
Not able to stay any longer, I kissed my fingers and placed them on her headstone. “I love you, Mom. Happy birthday.”
I headed back through the maze of sidewalks winding through the graveyard and plopped into Mia’s nineties car. It was in rough shape, but it still worked. She already had the heat blasting, and I rubbed my numb fingers together in front of the vent. Mia gave me a warm smile and placed her hand on my arm. “How’re you doing?”
I shrugged. “Better than last year, not as good as next. At least I had good news this time.”
“You know she’d be proud of you no matter what, right? She’d want you to be happy.”
Rationally, I knew that. Of course I did. But Mia didn’t understand what it was like to know you’re the reason your mom didn’t get to live her dream. Well, at least one reason.
“Being in politics is in my blood, just like it was hers.” I shook off the heavy feeling that always weighed on me when I visited my mom. “Thanks for getting up at dawn to come with me. I don’t know what I’d do without you.”
Mia searched my face, and her normally sunny expression softened with concern before she joked, “Anthony’s going to be pissed when he wakes up and finds out you came here without him. You know he’s trying to beat me for best friend status.”
I smiled. “You’re both my best friends.”
“Yeah, but I’m the best friend.”
My shoulders shook with suppressed laughter. “You know I love you both, right? There doesn’t have to be a winner.”
“Uh-huh. And you don’t need to be first in class. Just think, we could’ve slept in today. Not that you’ve ever skipped a class a day in your life.”
I scoffed. “Day one is syllabus day. It’s literally the most important day.”
“Are you seriously trying to pretend you haven’t contacted your teachers?”
I rolled my eyes. “Yeah, but not all of them answered.”
“’Cause it was Christmas break.” She shook her head and nudged her shoulder against mine before putting the car into drive. “You’re buying breakfast, though.”
Anthony met us at the diner. His light brown hair was in a tidy swept-to-the-left style, and his black-framed glasses slid down his nose as he checked out my short black skirt and the vibrant blue jacket. He lifted a strand of my chestnut hair, revealing the pure white highlights peeking from underneath.
“Looking good, cupcake.” He didn’t bring up my mom. This wasn’t the first time I’d visited her grave, and they both sensed I needed to talk about something else. Anything else.
I gave him a small smile in acknowledgment, and I sat at the 1950s-style table. It was covered in a red cloth that played on the white-and-black tiled floor. It was so on theme I half expected the waitstaff to wear Rollerblades. My mom would have loved it here. I sniffed and blinked back the burning in my eyes. I was in desperate need of a distraction.
“So, are we going to talk about that insanely hot guy from the club?” Mia raised a perfectly defined brow.
That’ll do it. Images of clear gray eyes and full, lush lips had me feeling light-headed. Jax had been on my mind more often than I’d like to admit, and every time I tried to convince myself he was just some random potential hookup, a voice at the back of my head called bullshit. That night was so intense that if it wasn’t for him putting a stop to things because I was a little too tipsy, I would’ve broken my rule and gone home with him. Hell, I may have even begged a bit.
Anthony spoke around a mouth full of pancakes. “From the way you two were grinding all over each other, I thought you were going to combust. Hell, I thought I might combust. Girl, I cannot believe you didn’t take him home.”
I couldn’t believe it either. Honestly, men shouldn’t be able to be built like that. To move like that.
“He’s a hockey player.” I shrugged.
“Yeah, and?” Mia looked at me expectantly.
And I didn’t get involved with self-indulgent, arrogant, cocky assholes who only cared about themselves. Not that he showed any signs of that, but I, of all people, knew exactly how hockey players thought. They had surrounded me my entire life, after all. “And you know that’s rule number four.”
She sighed loudly, and the server looked over at us. I gave her a wave and glared at Mia. She shook her head in disappointment. “You know those rules are stupid, right? The guy was fine as hell.”
All the more reason to keep the rules in place. A guy like that was hard to walk away from. I knew the type of girl I was. Before I knew it, I would wrap my entire life around him like some kinda clingy octopus. Hey, it was important to know your weaknesses, and being a needy bitch was one of mine. No doubt stemming from my bottomless pit of daddy issues.
Anthony messed up my hair. “From the way you two were moving, I bet he’d be good in bed too.”
I could already feel the blush rising in my cheeks. “The rules are nonnegotiable.”
Mia sighed, her dislike of my rules clear on her face. “Okay, but it was only one rule. The hockey player part doesn’t really matter if it’s only one night, does it?”
“How’d that go for my mom?”
Her eyes widened. “I’m sorry.”
I covered Mia’s hand and gave it a little squeeze. “It’s fine. Hockey players are arrogant pricks that are selfish in bed. I’m better off with my vibrator.”
Anthony leaned in and whispered so only we could hear. “Please tell me you at least used him as material for your ‘self-care.’”
A flush crawled up my neck, and my face felt like it was catching fire. I’d imagined Jax’s full soft lips pressed against mine, my fingers digging into his messy sandy-brown hair, and the weight of him pressed between my thighs more times than I could count.
Mia squealed. “Oh, you totally did. Dirty. I bet it was good.”
Heat pooled between my legs. Yeah, too good.
