I KNOCKED on Jax’s door and pulled my jacket closer against the chilly night air. The look on his face when I’d walked away from him was all I could think about. I should’ve stayed; I should’ve done so many things. Instead, I ran. Truth was, I was terrified. Terrified of what was happening between us. Terrified that my dad was right, and this really was hopeless. Terrified that if we started this, like really started, I wouldn’t survive Jaxton Ryder.
My dad’s words rang in my head over and over again.
“Every rookie is a jackass, and hockey will always come first.”
“I’ve got it under control.”
“You better, Sidney. I promise you this. You’ll regret it if you don’t.”
It was a lie. I’d never been more out of control than I was right now.
The door swung open, revealing a pissed-off Jax. My eyes caught on his low-slung joggers and socked feet. He stilled and crossed his arms over his chest. His normally open face closed, and pain lanced through my chest at his cold tone. “Why are you here, Sidney?”
“I… I just… I just wanted to apologize for tonight. I shouldn’t have left.”
He rocked back and gave me the same look he gave all the other girls. “Of course you should have. You got what you needed from me.” Hurt flashed behind his eyes before closing off again.
No. No. No. I went to put my hand on his chest, but he flinched under my touch. My eyes burned, and my voice came out broken. “I’m sorry. I freaked out. I wasn’t supposed to like you so much. It wasn’t supposed to get this far.”
He stared at me for several moments before the wall dropped from behind his eyes. He blew out a deep breath, and his hands cupped my face, sending relief crashing over me. “You’re overthinking this, Sid. Let go for a bit.”
Let go for a bit? How was I supposed to do that? How could I possibly let him go once I let him in?
Jax’s knuckles tipped my face to look at him, and I traced the line of his jaw. His head leaned into my hand, turning to kiss my open palm while his hands skated down my arms. He tightened them around my wrists and brought them both behind me, slowly backing me up into the door, pinning them there.
Dipping his head, Jax gently nipped at my bottom lip.
“What’s holding you back, Sidney?”
Self-preservation came to mind.
I forced a laugh. “What do you think Selena would think about this conversation?”
“I haven’t seen her since the day you brought it up. She was never important.” He gestured between us. “This is important.”
His words sent warmth down my spine, but what could I say to that?
He lowered his gaze to mine, chest expanding against my chest as he breathed me in. “Are you afraid that I’ll just take off on you? I’m not. I want to see where this goes.”
My heart skipped at his words. “You are leaving.”
Jax’s fingers grazed my skin as he tucked a strand of my hair behind my ear. “We don’t have to be over just because I’m going to Boston.”
He would be literally a country away. My eyes burned, and I fought back tears, wishing I didn’t know exactly how that story ends. I swallowed hard and pushed my words out. “I don’t want to make this into something that it can’t be. I want to be friends.”
Jax lowered his mouth to my neck. “We both know that’s not true.”
His dark voice sent a shiver down my spine. This time, he noticed the shiver that ran through me and gently grazed his fingertips up my bare arms. “I know you, Sid. I know you don’t want to walk away. Say it.”
He leaned back, searching my eyes, and waited for my answer.
The dangerous part was he was right. This fire was threatening to consume me. I stepped into him and nodded, not quite ready to speak. He grabbed my coat and held out his free hand, guiding me to his room. He held the door open at the top, forcing me to duck under his arm, and it reminded me of when we first met, racing through the halls, opening every door we could. He smiled, tapped under my chin with his knuckle, and stepped inside.
I stiffened when he sat on the bed, but he pulled me to him, sliding me over his lap to the other side of him. My legs remained draped over his, and my body was tucked into his chest.
I tried not to dwell on the normalcy of being here like this. There was nothing changing our future. We were two trains heading toward each other until their inevitable crash. Unable to stop, no matter how hard they break, the impact leaving the wreckage of us. My chest ached at the thought.
Sensing my emotions, he gently guided my eyes to his. He placed a light kiss between my brows and moved back, eyes boring into mine. “It’ll be worth it, Sid. Whatever it is you’re thinking, it’s worth it.”
I cuddled deeper, knowing that no matter what was coming, there was no getting off this track. I just hoped he understood what it would cost us.
He tilted my head, waiting until my eyes met his. “What’s going on in that head of yours?”
“I like you.” I tried to shrug nonchalantly, but I ruined it by looking away.
His chest pressed against my side as he took a deep breath. “I see… I like you too.” His fingers brushed over mine, and I tightened my jaw, suppressing the urge to entwine them.
“So… what exactly is the issue?” His voice was raw and hesitant.
“You know in movies where they do this ‘let’s just be friends’ thing?”
His brows furrowed, but he nodded.
“Well, everyone knows that doesn’t end well. They end up catching feelings and spend the whole time pretending they didn’t until they inevitably end up together.”
“We can skip all that bullshit in the middle.”
My throat burned as I pushed out the words. “Except we can’t because we won’t end up together, and developing feelings for you and then trying to pretend that we’re friends after sounds horrible to me.”
He swallowed and nodded. “You think if we have sex that you’ll develop deeper feelings?”
“Pretty much,” I said, giving him a quick nod, still not meeting his gaze.
His fingers traced my jaw as he lifted my face. Pausing, he waited until my eyes met his. “Yeah, well, me too. I’m not exactly following here.”
“Jax, you’re going to Boston. I’m so happy for you… but can’t wait around for you to pop in and out of my life. I can’t live like that.”
“So, what you’re telling me is”—he pointed back and forth between us—“when I leave, it’s done? Is that what you’re saying?”
Pain radiated from my chest, and I looked up into his sad eyes, nodding.
“I get right now. Then it’s over?” His voice grew aggravated. “You’ve got to be kidding me, Sid.”
“Jax, you have to know this won’t work.” I put conviction in my voice that I didn’t feel and had to remind myself that I had years of history backing my decision up. Years of coming in second.
“Don’t make assumptions of what I fucking know. I’m willing to try. I’m telling you I fucking want you, Sid. Not just right now.”
I sucked in a raspy breath, trying to blink away the tears threatening to form. “I can’t do that. I just can’t.”
Jax raked his hands through his hair and stared at the ceiling before meeting my gaze. “Fine. We’re together. We stop fucking pretending that we don’t care. Eat it up, go full out, and when school ends, it’s over. No texts on birthdays, invites to parties, no checking up. Total radio silence.” Jax’s voice was charged with anger, but it was sliced with pain like the words burned as he said them. His rough, calloused fingers brushed over mine before raising them to palm my face. His eyes were filled with agony as he said, “Will being with me until I leave hurt more? That damage was already done, whether you say the words or not.”
I went to object, but his words cut me off.
“If I can’t have forever, please don’t take away right now.”
My mouth wobbled as I stared up into his eyes. I went to speak, but the words wouldn’t come out. I nodded my head without looking away.
“You’re fucking killing me.” He stared at the wall for several beats before his eyes met mine. “We can do that, Sidney, but the cost will be all of you now.”
His mouth crashed against mine, and I met him in desperation. For weeks now, I’d been waiting for this. I pushed it down but was unable to stop the fire. His mouth nipped mine, and a sharp desire flickered through me all the way to my core. I moaned as his lips continued to my ear, licking the sensitive shell and sucking on the soft bottom lobe. Strong hands gripped my hips as he lifted me over his lap, settling my legs so I straddled him. We were chest to chest, and my hands moved up his body, feeling each of his muscles contract at my touch. Digging my fingers into his thick hair, I dragged his mouth to mine.
He broke the kiss to remove my shirt, and his breath hitched, seeing my bra-less breasts. A deep raspy groan rumbled through him as he leaned back, taking me in.
“You’re mine.” Jax’s voice was rough, and his gaze roamed over me. “Do you understand that?” His grip tightened on my jaw, forcing my gaze to his. “I know because I’m yours.”
Eyes searching mine, he waited for my nod of agreement before capturing my mouth with his.
We devolved into desperate touches, trying to soothe the insistent pull between us. The electric current always present had multiplied tenfold since the first touch of our lips, as if it knew it was close to what it wanted most. It was driving an overwhelming need to touch, feel, taste. Lips dragging, teeth biting, tongues stroking, mouths gasping for breath. I rocked myself against his hard length through our clothes, trying to get closer, to ease the ache. A thrill went through me at his quick intake of air.
My needy hands yanked Jax’s shirt over his head, and my breath caught as I took in his tattooed chest and the dual ravens covering his pecs. He roughly yanked me against him, and we both groaned as his hard-muscled chest pressed flush against my breasts.
“Sidney—”
My head tipped back as his heat seeped into my bones. As if driven mad to taste every inch of me, he took advantage of the angle, searing a greedy trail of open-mouth kisses up my neck. My mouth opened in a silent cry, and a shiver flew through me as he ran the tip of his tongue over the curve of my neck. I hissed as his teeth clamped down. Whispering his approval, he banded his strong arm around me as he leaned me back for easier access. He made a wet trail of kisses from the hollow of my throat down to my sternum, and my skin prickled as his rough, calloused hands cupped my breasts, weighing them. He murmured something unintelligible before squeezing them into each other. I swallowed down my breath in anticipation of his next touch.
His mouth dipped in low, grazing my skin. The warmth of his breath fanned over my sensitive, exposed breast. He paused until I squirmed in his lap. Slowly, his tongue reached out, lapping along the seam between them, and he hummed at the back of his throat. My skin burned from the contact, radiating outward through me, and each lick sent a mental picture of what he’d do to my core. He pulled back, lips curving on one side in a sinister smile as he took in my naked chest. “Fuck.” His voice was rough and breathy.
I arched into him as he swirled his tongue around one nipple, then the other. Carving my fingers into his hair, I moaned as he used his hand to knead one breast with strong, deep strokes while he worked his mouth over the other. I tugged hard and forced him to look at me. Molten eyes met mine. His pupils were blown wide, only a hint of gray. Never looking away, he slowly ran his flattened tongue along the underside of my breast. Fuck, that’s hot.
My fingers contracted in his hair as he slowly sucked my nipple into his mouth, taking long greedy pulls that connected directly to my core. Panting, I held on to him, writhing in his lap.
A primal sound left him, and he bit down on my nipple, heat flooding between my thighs. I frantically bucked, crying out at the need pouring through me. He wrapped his hand around the back of my neck, tilting my head back and holding me in front of him, fully exposed.
“Jesus Christ, baby.” Overwhelming need consumed me, and my hips ground in circles, uncontrollably searching for friction. He crashed his mouth over mine, thrusting his tongue, owning my mouth in a frantic, dominating kiss. I raked my nails down his back in answer, and he dragged his hands down my waist. His firm grip pushed my hips down as he lifted his into mine. I moaned at the pressure finally meeting the ache.
“You’re driving me fucking crazy.” He sucked in my bottom lip, biting it gently before lifting me to flip our positions and move me below him.
He was propped up on his elbows on either side of my head, denying me the friction my body craved. Slow, languid kisses, gentle nips, his tongue licking against mine. His gaze bored into me, eyes going wide with a glimmer of realization before his hips descended between mine. Simultaneous groans filled the air at the contact. I pressed my breasts against his hard chest, drawing a moan from deep within my throat.
He pulled back, moving his weight to the side as he slipped his hand down between us. His fingers barely grazed my skin as he ran circles over my navel and painfully, slowly worked his way down. My heart pounded out of my chest, and I sucked in my breath as his hand pushed beneath my leggings. His gaze found mine as his fingers ghosted over where I needed him most.
His touch sent a devastating need rippling through me. I tried to lift my hips into his hand, but his arm had me pinned to the bed.
His head lowered to my ear. “Breathe, Sid.” His voice was a command, and I took a deep breath in, surrendering control to him.
He shifted my panties aside and groaned into the hollow of my neck. “So fucking wet.”
His fingers dragged the wetness from my entrance up, barely touching me where I needed him most. I couldn’t stop my whimper as my hips bucked into his firm arm, still holding me in place.
“Please…” My voice came out as a plea.
“Tell me you’re mine.” A seriousness took over I didn’t want to face. I bit down hard on my lip, silently begging him to touch me. “Tell me you’re mine, Sid.”
“I’m yours,” I answered, my voice barely audible.
His teeth bit down on my shoulder, and his body trembled over me. Waves of pleasure flowed through my body as his fingers rubbed against my clit. His mouth found mine, and he inhaled my cries.
I wanted to touch him; no, I needed to touch him. I pushed my hand under his waistband and sucked in a breath as I wrapped around his length, stroking him from root to tip. Mine.
His body bucked involuntarily into my hand, and a thrill of power coursed through me. Letting out a primal sound, he snatched my hand in his, pinning it above my head.
My body trembled as his fingers filled me with one smooth stroke. Fuck. Crying out at the fullness, I bucked when he increased his speed, drawing whimpering needy sounds from me. His thumb pushed sharply into my clit and worked a tantric rhythm. Tingles worked up my back, and my body clenched around him until he swiftly pulled his fingers from me.
“No,” I cried out, pleading.
Jax’s dark eyes bored into mine, his voice strained. “I know… I know, Sidney. I need to taste you first.”
I shuddered as my body responded to his words. He released my wrist and dragged his mouth unhurriedly down my body, stopping to take in each peak of my breasts and sucking hard, nearly painfully, then soothing them with soft licks. I was coming apart with need as he circled my navel, and my core clenched at its hollowness.
Jax sat up on his knees, dragging my leggings and panties off and discarding them on the floor. He spread my legs with his hands and nestled his shoulders between them. His gaze was hot on my core as he stroked a finger through my slick folds. “Beautiful, so fucking beautiful.”
I moaned and watched him look his fill. A rumble went through his chest, and he lowered his mouth to my mound. Jax licked from back to front, pausing just above my clit, and my breath stuck in my throat, barely contained in anticipation.
His lips closed around me, sucking hard, and my hips unabashedly ground against his face with an all-consuming need. He smiled against my clit and pushed his fingers inside me agonizingly slowly. I moved, desperately needing him to move them deeper. He denied me the pressure, waiting for me to still my movements before continuing his aching path. When his fingers finally seated deep within me, I cried out his name. He bit the soft flesh of my thigh, dragging them in and out, and my hips rotated with his rhythm. He sucked on me at the same pace, stoking the fire within my veins until he took over every thought, every ounce of my consciousness.
Our bodies moved in sync, and his fingers curled inside me, sending flashes of pleasure until my toes curled and fists clenched as he held me on the precipice. Making a low humming sound in the back of his throat, he bit down on my clit, sending shards of electricity out in waves. My body arched off the bed as I yanked his hair, taking everything I needed from him. Trembles ran through me as my greedy core clenched around his fingers, drawing every second out.
I sucked in a breath as he kissed his way up my stomach. “Fuck, Sid.”
“Off, now.” My hands desperately pushed at the waistband of his pants, thanking God that I’m on birthcontrol.
He made quick work of stripping down and smiled against my lips. “I like it when you boss me around.”
His playfulness was cut short when I guided his cock to my entrance.
He gripped my throat, forcing my chin up. “Eyes on me.”
I didn’t look away as he entered me with agonizing slowness, his dark gaze never leaving mine. My chest swelled with each of his thrusts with something so much more than lust. I wrapped my legs around his back, pulling him deeper, and he groaned against my mouth. “I’ve been fucking dreaming about this, but they didn’t come close to this.”
The reverence in his tone made me feel worshiped, and I dug my fingers into his hips. “I need more, Jax.”
“Fuck.” He rocked into me with a force that would’ve had me shifting up the bed if he didn’t have me pinned in place. Each stroke felt like he was cracking my chest after I’d tried so hard to protect my heart.
Jax thrust, shaking with his release, and he growled against my lips. “Mine.”
Warmth flooded through me as another orgasm stole my breath.
He rolled over, tugging me so I was half lying over his chest and one of my legs draped on his. His arm wrapped around me, and he lazily stroked my hair. Only one thought drifted through my mind: I’m his. He kissed the top of my head, and the warmth from his body slowly lulled me to sleep.
