I’D BEEN miserable all week and trying not to show it.
Each day that passed, Austin and I exchanged fewer and fewer words, until we barely nodded when we crossed paths. I’d gotten used to how it was when it was just the two of us—he’d been so open and warm—and I hated the weird silence. He worked long hours, and he seemed to spend even more time in the garage than he had before.
One day this week, while he’d been at work, I wandered in there just to feel close to him, and I saw a stunning dining table. Closing my eyes, I ran my fingers across the surface, reveling in the knowledge that his hands had been on this wood too. I yearned for those hands to touch me again.
By Friday afternoon, I gave up trying to pretend everything was fine and called Morgan. “Help,” I said. “I did something bad.”
“What happened, honey?” Just the sound of her voice had tears spilling from my eyes.
“I caught feelings, that’s what happened.”
“For your boss? The handyman?”
“Yes.”
“You said it was just sex! Temporary and casual.”
“That’s what it was supposed to be.” Grabbing the tissue box, I sank down on the couch. “But my stupid heart got involved and ran away with the plan.”
“Are you sure it’s not just a rebound thing? Like a reaction to being with someone so opposite Neil?”
“I thought that, at the beginning. I came up with all kinds of logical reasons why he seemed to have this effect on me.” I blew my nose. “But they were all just excuses. The truth is, I think I’m falling for him.”
“Maybe you should quit and come back to New York now, before you get in any deeper,” she suggested.
“I can’t leave them. They need me.”
She sighed. “How does he feel?”
“I don’t really know. He doesn’t talk to me.”
“Can you ask him?”
“No!” I shuddered. “No. I can’t.”
“Then just try to be strong, Roni. And don’t let him con you into sex while no one’s looking. You deserve the real fucking thing.”
“Thanks.” I grabbed a new tissue and blew my nose again.
“You should get out and about. Do you have any friends there other than his family?”
“Yeah. I have one friend—Ari—and she’s trying to drag me to a wine bar tonight.”
“Go! Get dressed up and put on your favorite red lipstick and just have a girls’ night. Forget about men.”
I smiled weakly. “I’ll try.”
And I had tried—I wore something I felt good in, I curled my hair, I painted my lips cherry red, and Ari was good at making me laugh.
But Austin was on my mind the entire time.
It was obvious he’d been waiting up for me to get home, and I could hear the jealousy in his voice when he asked me about my evening. You idiot! I wanted to shout. I don’t want anyone but you! I even thought he might show up at my door like he had the first time, shirtless and angry, unable to stay away.
Obviously, things had changed. He was able to resist me now. He didn’t feel what I felt.
And I needed to stop hoping he would.
Saturday afternoon, I got a text from Ari.
Broken Spoke tonight. I’ll pick you up at nine.
I don’t know if I feel like it.
I didn’t ask if you felt like it, I just told you what time I’ll be there.
I allowed myself a tiny smile. Ari was good for me. And maybe a little music and dancing would be good for me too. The kids were sleeping at George’s tonight, so they wouldn’t need me until they got home tomorrow afternoon.
Okay. I’ll be ready.
I set my phone aside and curled up in my bed again. It wasn’t like me to nap, but I just didn’t have the energy to do anything else. Xander had taken Austin, George, and the kids out on the boat this afternoon, and they’d asked me to come along, but I’d declined. It was hard enough seeing Austin fully clothed at the breakfast and dinner table every day—seeing him shirtless wasn’t going to help me stop thinking about him. My throat closed up, and the tears I’d been holding in all day insisted on being shed.
Allowing myself the cry, I sobbed into my pillow. When the wave of sadness had passed, I got up, went over to the dresser, and took out the two shirts of his I’d stolen. Then I grabbed his cap from a hook on the wall.
Knowing the house was empty, I walked up to Austin’s bedroom and placed the items on the bed.
I cried it out again when I got home.
“Oh god,” I said to Ari over the loud wail of the guitar. We were standing at the bar, waiting for drinks.
“What?”
“Austin and Xander just walked in.”
She glanced over her shoulder toward the door.
“Don’t look!” I said, horrified.
“Sorry.” She stared straight ahead. “But they spotted us. And judging from the look on Austin’s face, he is not happy.”
“Ladies.” Xander came up and clapped us on the shoulders. “How are we tonight?”
“Good,” Ari answered.
I said nothing. But in the mirror over the bar, I could see Austin’s dark hair right behind me. His wide shoulders. His angry expression.
The bartender set two beers in front of us.
“Can we get this round?” Xander asked.
“Actually, someone already offered,” said Ari.
Austin’s arm shot out so fast and spanked his credit card on the bar, it was a blur. “I’m getting it.”
For some reason, it really bothered me. I looked back at him, eyes narrowed. “Gee, thanks.”
“Two more,” he ordered over Xander’s shoulder.
Ari sighed.
“Should we get a table?” Xander asked, looking around. “Might be tough. Crowded in here.”
“We actually promised those guys over there we’d be back in a minute,” I said, sliding away from the bar. I tried not to let my body touch Austin’s, but there were so many people, my ass brushed his crotch.
I thought I heard him growl.
“Come on, Ari.” I grabbed her arm and tugged her back toward the table of guys I couldn’t care less about. But if Austin wanted something to be jealous about, I could put on a show. I’d been putting on a show all week, pretending everything was fine.
So I sat a little too close to a ginger-haired guy whose name I forgot immediately. I laughed too hard at his jokes. I smiled a lot in his direction. I hoped Austin was watching.
After I finished my beer, I excused myself to use the ladies’ room. Ari offered to go with me, but I assured her I was fine. Following the signs, I made my way to the back hall and was just about to enter the restroom when someone grabbed my arm.
“Hey.”
I spun around, totally unsurprised to see Austin there with a frown on his face. “Do you mind?” I shook my arm free. “I’m going to the bathroom.”
“I’ll wait.” He folded his arms over his chest.
“Why?”
“You shouldn’t be alone in this place.”
“That’s why you’re waiting?”
“Yes.”
“Don’t bother. I told you once before, I don’t need to be rescued.” I turned away from him and went to push the bathroom door open, but found myself being dragged out the back door and hauled around the side of the place—exactly where we’d stood two weeks ago. “Austin, what the hell?”
He didn’t answer. Instead, he caged me against the side of the old barn and crushed his lips to mine.
I wanted to resist, I really did. But I couldn’t—all week long, I’d ached for this kiss, this closeness with him. My arms circled his neck instinctively. My mouth opened wide. My defenses slipped.
He broke it off, breathing hard, his lips hovering over mine. “You gave my stuff back.”
“It wasn’t mine to keep.”
His mouth claimed mine again, his tongue hot and possessive, demanding mine answer in kind. I gave myself over to him, rising up on my toes, pressing my chest against his, frustrating noises coming from my throat. What was this?
“The kids are gone tonight.” His voice was low and urgent. “Come home with me.”
Oh god, I wanted to. I wanted him. But then what? Were we just going to sneak around, jumping into bed when the kids were out of the house? Exchanging hot text messages? Stealing kisses when no one was looking?
That wasn’t going to work—I couldn’t guard my heart that way.
But his kiss was draining all my defenses.
I needed air. I needed sense. I needed space between us. Placing my hands on his pecs, I pushed him back. “Wait. Wait. I can’t do this. We’ve hardly talked all week.”
“Because you ignored me. You acted like nothing mattered.”
“I’m a good actress.”
“But why?”
“I’m protecting myself, Austin!”
His jaw clenched. “You don’t need to protect yourself from me.”
“You don’t understand,” I told him, fighting tears. “I can’t fall for you.”
That seemed to get through. “Fall for me?”
“Yes. Actually, you know what? The problem isn’t that I can’t fall for you—it’s that I could. And if we keep doing this, I’m afraid that’s what’s going to happen.”
He swallowed. “I don’t want you to be afraid.”
“I know you don’t. But you have to trust that I’m doing the right thing for both of us.” I took a deep breath, trying to stay calm.
“You said you weren’t looking for a relationship.” He said it softly, no accusatory bite.
“I wasn’t, Austin. But things between us got intense, and I . . .” I shook my head. “Look, I’m sorry I returned your clothes like that. It was childish.”
He exhaled, his shoulders slumping. “I’m sorry for getting jealous and acting like I own you. I know I don’t.”
“I think—I think our timing was just bad, you know?” I tried hard to smile. To be brave. “Maybe if we’d met some other time, in some other place, we could have been something more. But the way things are, it’s just not meant to be.”
He nodded slowly.
“I wouldn’t trade the time we had together for anything, Austin. You were so good for me. You don’t even know.” I felt tears spring to my eyes. “But I think walking away now is best.”
“It will be hard,” he said quietly.
“I know.” A lump was trying to form in my throat. “But I’ll be gone soon, and your life can go back to normal. Mine will too.”
He opened his mouth, and I thought maybe he’d argue with me—I wanted him to argue with me—but he didn’t. He kissed my forehead, took my hand, and led me back inside.
“I need a minute,” I said at the ladies’ room door. “You don’t have to wait for me.”
Then I went into the bathroom, locked myself into a stall, and cried.
When I came out, he was gone.
