Gabriel is fast asleep on my bed when I get up to get some water. He needs a nap after we’ve been having sex for the past couple of hours, and I need to see if Adrian is home. I haven’t spoken to him since yesterday morning, and we haven’t seen each other in almost a week.
I try to be as quiet as possible while I make my way downstairs and find Adrian sitting on the couch, watching television. He ignores my presence, pretending I’m not there even as I sit down next to him. I grab the remote from the table and press pause on his movie.
“I’m watching that,” he complains in French, and I realize something is wrong. Adrian doesn’t speak to me in French.
“What’s going on?” I ask him in English.
“You want to know?” I nod, and he sits up on the couch. “Okay, well, my sister had a horrible karting crash yesterday, and she hasn’t taken the time to speak to me once because she was busy with her boyfriend.” My eyes go wide.
“How do you know about the accident?” I ask, and he takes a sip of his water, rolling his eyes.
“Andrea called me because they were worried about Christian’s behavior, which doesn’t fucking matter right now. I come home today, see your luggage, and think to myself ‘Wow, I actually get to spend time with my sister today’. I hope you can understand how upset I was when I had to leave the house because you were fucking my teammate.”
His words hurt me, and I wish he’d stop, but I also understand why he’s upset.
“You have been distant, barely talking to me, and obsessed with a guy that’s going to make you cry in a couple of days anyway. I feel like soon, you’re going to be cheering for him instead of me. I’m still your family, Val, and as selfish as it sounds, I would appreciate it if every now and then you would think of me first!” Maybe if he’d approached it differently and told me in a calm tone instead of yelling, I wouldn’t be angry.
“You know what, Adrian? That’s bullshit. I came here to spend time with all of you, and I thought you were training today so I called Gabriel. I truly am sorry you came home early and had to hear that, but I’m not sorry I finally have a life.”
He cocks both of his eyebrows, waiting for my explanation.
“In LA, all I did was stay at home every single day, train, and do homework, but I want more. I have Evangelin, James, Gabriel, you, and my shot at making it into F1. It’s hard to juggle, and I am sorry about this morning, but I just want to experience things with Gabriel, things I have only dreamed of. I was hoping you would understand.”
I can’t believe he started a fight. It’s as if no one wants me to stay happy for more than a day because someone always has to swoop in and ruin my good mood. It’s ridiculous.
“Whatever, Val. You can fly out with Gabriel tomorrow. You can stay in his room, and you can cheer for him. Baku is one of his favorite races anyway. After all, maybe he’ll be the world champion this year, and you can celebrate everything with him. Go for it, Valentina, live your life, forget about your brother, who has always taken care of you.”
That’s not fair. He’s acting like I’ve forgotten about him when he’s the one who barely has time for me too.
“How could you treat me like this when I’m the one who has always protected you?” he adds, and I lose it.
“Yeah, you protected me so well, Aunt Carolina abused me for years without you knowing!” The words leave my mouth before I can stop myself.
This is never how I wanted to tell him about that, but I couldn’t help myself. The anger overwhelmed me. That’s always what I do wrong, I throw things around without thinking about them. Adrian’s eyes are wide open and so is his mouth.
“She what?” he asks, but I’m too surprised to talk.
I cannot believe I blurted this out to win a goddamn argument.
“I’m going to kill her!” he yells, but I am still sitting on the couch, unable to move or speak. “I can’t believe this, I can’t believe this,” he repeats over and over again.
I cover my face with my right hand and let out a sigh.
“How did she hurt you? You know what? Never mind. I’m going to kill her,” he says before he storms off, and I get up to run after him.
“Adrian, please don’t leave!”
He’s gone before I can catch up with him, and I sink to the floor by the entrance of my home.
“Chérie?” I lift my head to look in the direction of Gabriel’s voice.
My brain is trying to process everything that just happened. He settles down next to me on the ground, and I take his hand in mine. We sit in complete silence for a couple of minutes until he opens his mouth.
“Do you want to talk about it?” I nod, and Gabriel gets up again, pulling me with him. “I’m going to get you some ice cream. My mom used to say ice cream never fixes any problems, but it tastes so good, it will make you temporarily forget about how bad everything else is,” he says as we walk into the kitchen.
“I’ve never heard words I relate to more,” I reply, and he chuckles.
Once the ice cream is placed in front of me, I take the spoon and bring some of it to my mouth. Gabriel watches me closely, unsure of what I need from him.
“I said something to Adrian I shouldn’t have told him in such a sensitive moment.” Even saying it out loud makes me mad. “I told him about what our aunt did to me,” I explain, and pain flashes over Gabriel’s face.
“I heard that part. I want you to know you don’t have to open up to me, but you can. If you want to cry, ball your eyes out, if you want to scream, do it until you lose your voice. You have every right, and all I want to do is make you comfortable to finally talk to someone about it,” he assures me, and I give him half a smile.
“I love you so much,” I say, which sums up everything I want to tell him.
“I love you the same,” he replies.
I take a deep breath and relax my facial muscles, which are twitching in response to my forced expression.
“I’ve never told anyone, except James, who found out on his own,” I start, my hands shaking now. Gabriel takes them in his, pressing soft kisses to the back of them. “She didn’t hit me often to make sure Adrian wouldn’t find out, but it started soon after we moved in with her.”
Tears shoot into my eyes, and I wish I could stop them. I don’t want the mention of this story to bring me pain, but it’s part of who I am now. I need to speak about this if I ever want to move on.
“It was easy for her to hurt me, to try and force me into being someone she could accept. Naturally, she could never accept any version of me.” I pause, unsure where to keep going.
“It’s okay, take your time. You don’t have to rush this,” he assures me as I bring my legs to my chest on the chair.
“I don’t know why Dad decided we should move in with my mother’s sister and not stay with Grandpa, but what could we do after his death? Grandpa tried to fight it, but Aunt Carolina had already accepted. To this day, I can’t understand why she wanted us if she hated me,” I say, but Gabriel gives me a look that tells me he has a suspicion.
“She wanted the money you came with, chérie,” he replies, and I stare at something behind him. He’s probably right. “Why didn’t you tell Adrian?” His question is genuine as he tries to understand this dark time of my life.
“Telling anyone about Carolina was never an option. Adrian would have only tried to take me out of the house, meaning he would have had to give up his career, and he wouldn’t have been able to keep me anyway. I thought about telling him everything and asking him to move back to Monaco so that we could live with Grandpa, but then he died, and I was stuck in the same situation again.”
I pause for another brief second before I’m able to speak. Gabriel squeezes my hand reassuringly, his eyes focused on my face.
“Nothing I ever did pleased that awful woman, and every single time I wasn’t who she wanted me to be, I paid for it. She only stopped because James threatened her, and she knew better than to lay a finger on me after.” I take another deep breath and watch a tear roll down Gabriel’s cheek.
“Sorry, I’m sorry,” he quickly apologizes. “Just the thought of you going through that, I can’t even begin to describe how it makes me feel. I wish I’d known, I could have done something to help you,” he says, and I squeeze his hand.
“I know, but what happened, happened. It will never leave me, and I will never be able to forget how weak and helpless I felt. It’s easier for me to talk about now than it was a while ago. The only reason why I haven’t is because I know Adrian would blame himself for not knowing and protecting me. That’s why I am so angry it came out now and in the way it did. It’s not fair, and I’m sure he’s punching a wall somewhere.” Tears stream down my face, blurring my vision. Guilt settles deep in my chest, and I wish my brother hadn’t left.
“You’re allowed to let it come out in any way you want, chérie.” He drops his head onto our intertwined hands and lets out a deep breath. “I can’t believe I made your life even more difficult than it already was.”
The shame in his voice makes my heart drop. He lifts his head again to show me that more tears have left his eyes. I admire the way he never hides his emotions, that he isn’t ashamed to cry in front of me when he needs to.
“I am so sorry,” he says, and I lift my hand to wipe his tears.
“When will you ever understand you’ve made me the happiest woman in the world? You love me in a way that can destroy you, I know because I love you in the same stupid, irrational way, and that’s why you were scared. So was I.”
Gabriel gives me an absent-minded nod as I look down at my ice cream. I push the bowl away when I see all of it has melted.
“Let’s go to bed. We need to wake up early to catch our flight.”
There is nothing I can do about Adrian right now. I know he needs time to process this. I also know he’s probably at James’, which is why I call my best friend. He picks up after one ring.
“Val, thank God, I was just about to call you. Adrian is crying on my sofa, saying he’s the worst person on the planet. What the fuck happened?” More guilt washes over me in an instant.
“I told him about Aunt Carolina during a heated argument,” I admit, shame in my voice.
“Bloody hell, okay, I’ll handle it. Go lie down and rest, I’ll talk to him.” I let out the breath I’ve been holding, and, right before I can hang up, he says, “I love you, Val.” A small smile creeps onto my lips.
“I love you,” I reply, and he hangs up. I still feel guilty about Adrian, but at least I know he’s safe and James will take care of him.
Gabriel and I walk upstairs, and he sits down next to me on my bed, tucking one of my curls behind my ear. He presses his lips to mine before he crawls back on the mattress and wraps the blanket around himself. His eyes close, and he starts snoring, which I know he’s faking. Gabriel only snores very lightly sometimes, not this aggressively. It makes me chuckle.
I lie down next to him and remove my pants, pain shooting through my wrist.
“Oh, wait, here, take this,” he says, pulls his shirt off his body, and hands it to me. “Put this on.”
“What if I don’t want to wear your old shirt,” I ask, and he frowns at me.
“Well, until I can replace it with something more meaningful, you are going to have to wear this for me.”
I switch shirts, making a content smile spread across his face. Gabriel’s mahogany scent fills my nose, and I let out a sigh. I put my head on his muscular chest, making sure my wrist is resting in a good position on my side.
“When you asked me if I’ve ever thought about marriage and children, I only told you I haven’t had the time to think about marriage,” I start, and he kisses the top of my head.
“I remember,” he says, pressing another kiss to the same spot.
“I have thought about having children,” I admit, silence filling the room again.
“Do you want any?” Gabriel asks, making my breathing hitch.
“I didn’t. With one mother abandoning me, and the other mother figure in my life being an abuser, I always thought I should never be one. I thought there was no way I could be a good mom, but ever since I met Evangelin and experienced the love of a mother figure, it feels different. I feel different.” I look up at him, and he smiles down at me.
“She helped you realize you’re neither of those horrible women,” he says.
“Yes, she did. One day, I’ll make a good parent, whether it is to a baby or a dog or a fish,” I say, and he chuckles.
“You’ll be the best mother in the world because of your experiences. You’ll be everything you never had, and they will be the happiest children in the world,” he replies, and I push myself up to kiss his jaw. “Of course until they reach their teenage and adult years, and all their friends will have a crush on you.” I laugh at his comment, but he takes my face in his hand, forcing my eyes to his. “And then they’ll hate me because I’ll be living the dream of calling you my wife every day of my life.” He kisses me, and I let that fantasy play out in my head.
“Twenty-one, almost twenty-two, and you’re already done searching the world for someone else?” I challenge, but he doesn’t find it one bit amusing.
“I’ve been done since I first laid my eyes on you, mon tournesol,” he says and kisses me again, and again, and then one more time.
“So have I.”
I wish this moment wasn’t tainted by the fight between my brother and me.
I have to find a way to fix this.
