“You seen Liam anywhere?” I pop my head into Shane’s office as I look for my twin.
“He was in here about an hour ago,” Shane frowns. “Why? Can’t you find him?”
“No,” I shake my head as I step inside the room.
“You checked the gym?”
“Checked this whole damn apartment, and the club.”
“Fuck!” Shane hisses.
“What?” I frown at him.
“He was talking about mum before-”
“And the sadistic prick who we once called dad?” Mikey interrupts me.
“Yep.”
“Shit. He’ll be down by the river then. I’ll go get him.” Liam likes to go and sit by the Hudson when he’s feeling particularly melancholy. He says it reminds him of Ireland, although why he wants to be reminded of the place I’ll never know. It’s a beautiful country, but our lives there were miserable.
“You want me to come with you?” Shane offers.
“Nah,” I shake my head. “I’ll bring him back.”
“Call me if you need me,” Shane frowns.
“Yeah, I will,” I say as I turn on my heel.
“Mikey!” Shane shouts as I’m halfway out of the door.
“Yeah?” I turn back to him.
“Are you okay?” he narrows his eyes in concern.
“You know me, Shane. I’m good.”
“Yeah, I do know you. So that’s why I’m asking if you’re okay?”
I walk into his office and sit on his desk. He does know me. Apart from my twin, Shane knows me better than anyone. He’s always been my father really. Ever since he saved me and Liam from being drowned in a bathtub when we were a few hours old by the lunatic who actually spawned us. It was just one of the many times he saved our lives. “What else should I be? A man I hate, who hates me, who I barely know, and who lives on the other side of the world, is dying. It has no impact on my life really, does it?” I shrug.
“I suppose not when you put it like that.”
“Liam is cut up though,” I say because these past few days I have watched him become more and more withdrawn. The only time he has a smile on his face is when Jessie calls and I wish she’d hurry her ass up and get back to us, because I miss her like crazy too.
“I know.”
“It’s funny how he never feels good enough, isn’t it? He’s one of the best people I know, but he always doubts himself. Yet the most horrible bastard to ever walk this earth is sitting back in Ireland, riddled with disease, and yet still thinking he is the goddamn king of the world, when Liam is one hundred times the man he ever was.”
“Yep,” Shane nods. “But we’re still talking about Liam and I asked how you were doing?”
“I told you,” I snap.
“I don’t believe you.”
“I miss Jessie,” I admit. “And I miss Conor too. Nothing’s the same around here without them.”
“They’ll be back soon,” he says and I see the change in him at the mention of her name.
“How are you, Shane?”
He frowns at me. “Fine.”
“Don’t believe you,” I tilt my head as I watch him trying his best not to tell me to fuck off out of his office. “Don’t like that, do you, bro?”
“Fuck off, Mikey,” he says with a sigh.
I shake my head. He, of all people, doesn’t deserve my attitude. The truth is, I’ve been completely off kilter since I found out our father was dying of cancer. Because it has dredged up so many long buried memories. And all of the people I could talk to about it are hurting too. Except Jessie.
Fuck, I miss her so much. She would make it better even if she didn’t realize that was what she was doing. Just watching TV with her or playing cards soothes my soul in a way that nothing else can.
“I’m sorry,” I say to him. “But I know you’re not fine, Shane. You try and hold everything together for everyone else, and you can’t do that forever, bro. One day soon, something is going to give.”
“Since when were you all deep and philosophical?” he narrows his green eyes at me.
I shake my head. “I mean it, Shane. You can’t keep living like this, bro?”
“Like what?” he scowls.
“Half a fucking life. Never letting anyone in.”
“Is this about Jessie?” he says with a sigh.
“You tell me. Do you miss her?”
“Go and bring Liam back. You two have work to do,” he says with a wave of his hand.
“Answer me and I’ll go get our baby brother back,” I challenge him.
“What the fuck, Mikey?” he shouts. “What the fuck do you want from me?”
I stand up from my chair. I don’t want to fight with him, but he is the most stubborn bastard I have ever known. “It’s just a question, Shane. Do you miss her?”
“Every minute of every damn day!” he shouts and I see the veneer of control he always hides behind slipping slightly. “Is that what you want to hear? That I can’t go more than two minutes without thinking about her? Well, now you know. But it still doesn’t change the fact that she tore my fucking heart out. Now, go and get Liam and get your asses back to work!” he snarls at me and I walk out of his office with his words ringing in my ears. Damn! I have never pushed his buttons like that before. And now I feel like shit for making him lose control because I know how much he hates it.
I walk down the hallway and press the lift to the elevator as I prepare to go and find my twin and talk some sense into him. How is it that suddenly I am the sane one in this apartment?
I start the engine of my car and dial Conor’s number.
“Hey, everything okay, bro?” he asks when he answers.
“I just made Shane really mad,” I say with a sigh.
“Why? What did you do?”
“I made him talk about feelings.”
“Ouch,” Conor says with a laugh. “What the hell did you do that for?”
“He started it. Asking me how I’m doing,” I suck in a deep breath.
“How are you doing, kid?” Conor asks.
“Don’t you start, Con,” I laugh to ease the tension because I’m not calling to have a heart to heart with him. In fact, I’m not calling him at all. “Can I talk to Jessie?”
“Sure. She’s right here. I’ll hand you over.”
I wait for a few seconds until her sweet voice fills my ear. “Hi Mikey,” she says and all the tension I didn’t even realize I was holding in my chest and shoulders melts away.
“Hey, Red.”
“You okay?”
“Are we on speaker?”
“No. Just me and you,” she says softly. “Conor is watching TV. Is something wrong?”
“No. I just wanted to hear your voice. I miss you, Red.”
“I miss you too,” she says quietly. “We’ll be home in a couple of days. I can’t wait to see you. Are you sure everything’s okay?”
“I made Shane really pissed at me,” I admit as the tears spring to my eyes completely unexpectedly.
“Well, that’s not exactly difficult,” she laughs softly but I know that she gets it because she gets me. “He won’t stay mad at you for long. The two of you will be arguing over the Giants and the Jets before you know it.”
“Ah, I don’t know. I really pushed his buttons this time.”
“What did you do?”
I can’t tell her what I asked him about because I know she’ll already be worried about facing him when she comes back here. I imagine that Conor has told her it will all be okay once she speaks to him and straightens it out, but I’m not sure it will be. Shane will have Jessie back in our home because the rest of us want her here so badly, but I’m not convinced that he is as thrilled at the prospect of her return as we are. “Just being an asshole. You know me.”
“You’re not an asshole!” she admonishes me. “Not even a little bit.”
“Really?” I laugh.
“Well, except for that time at that wedding when you boinked the bride at the reception!” She starts to laugh and the sound warms me from the inside.
“Yeah, I was definitely an asshole that day,” I laugh too. We spend the next few minutes chatting about nothing in particular as I drive through the streets of New York to Liam’s favorite spot by the river. But talking to her makes me forget how angry I feel at the world and by the time I see Liam, sitting on his own, staring out over the Hudson, I feel like I could conquer the whole world again.
