Itook an extra long soak in the tub after Liam and I came down from the roof. Seeing that Blue Jay dead in the pool brought back so many buried memories. I wonder if I will ever be free of my past and the hold that the Wolf still has over me. But Liam was right. New York City is full of birds and whilst it’s not common to find a dead one in the pool, it’s not unlikely either. The poor thing must have been injured and fallen onto the roof.
At least that’s what I keep telling myself, despite my mind trying to convince me otherwise.
I slather my body in my favorite vanilla body butter and pull on a clean t-shirt and panties before going to find the brothers.
I check the kitchen and the den first, but they are empty. Liam said he was going back to bed, and I expect Conor and Mikey will still be sleeping too, so I walk along to Shane’s office to see if he’s awake, because he’s likely to be in there. The door to his office is open and I pop my head inside, surprised to see all four Ryan brothers in there with serious looks on their faces. Mikey and Conor are only wearing shorts and look like they’ve just got out of bed and I can’t help but wonder why they appear to be having a family meeting without me.
“Jessie,” Shane says as he looks up and sees me and the other three turn their heads and look at me too.
“What’s going on?” I stammer as I step inside the room, with the distinct impression that I am missing something.
Conor holds out a hand to me. “Come on in, Angel.”
I take his hand and he pulls me to sit on the sofa between him and Liam.
“I was just telling them about the bird,” Liam says. “In the pool.”
I blink at him, and then I look at their concerned faces. “But you said it was just a bird. Nothing to worry about.”
“Of course it was,” Liam replies, taking my hand and squeezing it gently.
“Yeah. We’ve found at least half a dozen dead birds on that roof,” Conor adds.
“So why are you all sitting here talking about me? Like I’m crazy or something?” I hear my voice going up a few octaves, but I can’t stop the panic and hysteria from setting in again. Liam convinced me it was nothing, and now they’re all looking at me like it’s something.
“Liam just wanted us to know what happened, is all.” Conor reaches for my hand, but I snatch it away, pulling my other hand from Liam’s at the same time.
“Did you all have a good laugh at how crazy I am freaking out about a dead bird?” I say, spiraling into some sort of panic attack meltdown that I can’t seem to stop.
“No, Jessie,” Liam shakes his head.
“Really? You expect me to believe that?” I push myself up and start to walk out of the room.
“Jessie Ryan!” Shane shouts at me in a tone that makes me freeze in my tracks, and I turn to look at him. “Sit your ass back down.”
I glance back at Liam and Conor who avert their eyes while Mikey clears his throat nervously.
“Now!” Shane barks, and I hesitate for a few seconds before I walk back to the sofa and take my seat again.
“Look at me,” Shane growls and I lift my head to see him glaring at me. “You want to think about what you just said?”
I swallow as I glare back at him. “I’m sorry. I know you wouldn’t do that.”
He runs a tongue along his lip and then sits back in his chair, seemingly satisfied with my response. “Yes, we were talking about you, but of course we weren’t laughing at you. Because if there is any possibility that you are in danger, Jessie, then we will talk about it. Conor was about to come and get you so we could discuss it with you too before you walked in here.”
“Oh?” I swallow. “I’m sorry. But the Wolf, he…” I shake my head. “He gets under my skin. I feel like I go crazy whenever I think about him.”
Conor takes my hand again and I curl my fingers around his just as Liam reaches for my other hand and I lean back in my seat, feeling comfort from the warmth of their bodies.
“Well, that’s understandable given everything you went through, baby,” Liam says quietly.
“Yeah, Red,” Mikey agrees.
“Do you think it was him then?” I ask.
“No,” they all say in unison.
“Just a dead bird, Angel,” Conor adds softly. “Me and Mikey scooped it out of the pool and there was nothing suspicious.”
I nod, chewing on my lip absent-mindedly. “I’m sorry I said those things,” I say again.
“You already apologized twice,” Shane says with a soft sigh.
“I know,” I say with a shake of my head. “But I feel bad for accusing you all like that.”
“Jessie,” Shane sighs as he stands up from his desk and walks across the room. “We’re family, right?”
“Yes.”
“So, that means you get to say pretty much anything you want when you’re upset, and we’ll get over it,” he smiles at me.
“Yep,” Mikey nods. “And we know better than anyone how your past can fuck you up, Red. We got more skeletons in our closets than Calvary Cemetery.”
“Yeah? But you guys don’t freak out when you see a dead bird on the roof.” I arch an eyebrow.
“You didn’t freak out, baby,” Liam assures me. “And you are not the only person in this room who lets their past get to them occasionally.”
“Yep,” Conor nods. “We’re all fucked up here. That’s why you fit in so well.” He winks at me and I smile at him. God, I love him so much.
“Tell her why we left Ireland, Shane,” Liam says softly.
Shane looks between Mikey and Liam. “You sure?” he frowns.
“Yeah,” they both say.
“Okay,” he says, pulling over a chair and taking a seat in front of the sofa. “Conor told you that he was a bare knuckle boxing champion, right?”
“Yes,” I nod.
“Well, Liam and Mikey used to fight too.” He looks between the two of them again and they nod for him to go on. “Well, back in Ireland, my father was often involved in these underground fights, where basically the two fighters would fight to the death.”
I open my mouth in horror. “He made Mikey and Liam do that?”
Shane runs his tongue over his lip and sucks in a deep breath. “Yes. But that’s not it. You have to understand that the fighters in these matches didn’t really have much choice, Jessie. Who the hell wants to go into a fight knowing there’s a fifty percent chance you won’t make it out alive?”
Conor shifts beside me and Liam starts taking deep breaths and I hold his hand tighter. “So, what happened if they refused to fight?” I ask.
“Then they would face a very angry crowd who paid a lot of money to watch two guys beat the shit out of each other, and they would both get torn apart instead.”
I swallow the bile as it burns the back of my throat. “That is so brutal.”
“Yeah,” Shane nods. “And Patrick Ryan entered his youngest sons in a competition. Against each other.”
“What?” My hand instinctively flies to my mouth. “So he expected them to fight? For one of them to kill the other?”
“Yeah,” Conor says.
“What happened?” I ask, looking between the four of them.
“It was fucking carnage,” Mikey says with a haunted expression on his face as Liam simply nods. “Obviously, we refused to fight each other. I begged that bastard to get us out of there. Both of us offered to fight anyone else if he would let the other go, but that sick fuck wouldn’t even consider it. And when we wouldn’t fight each other, that vicious cunt fed us to a baying mob.”
Liam shudders beside me and Mikey sits on the desk with a scowl on his face.
“It was fucking awful,” Liam sucks in a shaky breath. “Hands pulling at us and feet stamping on our heads. They were trying to tear us apart. Like we were animals and not even people.”
“How did you get out of there?” I whisper as my heart physically hurts at the thought of what they went through. And if it was just before they came to New York, they must have only been sixteen.
Mikey and Liam don’t answer, so Shane continues for them. “Me and Conor found out about our father’s lunatic plan and we got there just in time to get them out.”
“They were in such a bad way,” Conor adds. “We thought we were going to lose them. Liam almost died on the operating table in the hospital.”
“And that’s why we hate hospitals.” Mikey arches an eyebrow at me.
“And that’s why you left Ireland?”
“Yeah,” Liam says softly. “We were on a plane two days later. Me and Mikey could barely walk but Shane and Conor practically carried us onto that plane.”
“It probably wasn’t even the worst thing he ever did to us,” Mikey says with a shake of his head. “But it was the look on his face when he saw how fucking terrified we were. I have never seen that sadistic cunt look at me with so much happiness in his eyes.”
“He sounds like a maniac.” I shake my head, trying to comprehend how someone could do that to his own children.
“He is. Which is why we’ve never spoken to the evil bastard since,” Mikey snarls.
“I’m so sorry that you went through that.” I swallow hard as the four Ryan brothers sit in silence, and I feel the need to lighten the mood. “Jeez! And I thought my father was a psychopath.”
Liam turns to me and smiles. “Erm. He definitely was, baby. Patrick Ryan and Alexei Ivanov are both up there.”
“I guess so.”
“All this talk of Ireland makes me want to lie down in a dark room,” Mikey says as he stands up. “Are we done here?”
“Are we?” Shane looks at me.
“If you’re all sure that there was no-one on our roof, then yes, I don’t think there’s anything left to discuss.”
“Good. I need me some sleep.” Mikey stretches and yawns.
“I need a lie down,” Liam groans as he lets go of my hand before standing up and flexes his shoulders.
“You mind if I keep you both company?” I ask.
“I was counting on it,” Liam winks at me and Mikey nods his agreement.
Conor and Shane get up from their seats and each give me a soft kiss on the cheek before I walk out of Shane’s office with the twins.
Ten minutes later, I’m lying in Liam’s bed, sandwiched between him and Mikey as the three of us watch TV. Mikey traces his fingertips up and down my forearm, his eyelids flickering as he fights sleep, while Liam holds my hand and rubs the pad of his thumb over my knuckles.
“I love you both so much. You know that, right?” I say as we lie in silence.
“Yes, Red,” Mikey mumbles sleepily. “I love you too.”
“Love you, baby,” Liam adds and I smile. We are all damaged by our pasts, but we are all stronger for them too. The fact that we have found a way through all of our trauma and the betrayals of the past few months to be here right now, makes me happier than I had ever dreamed possible. I have held onto my thirst for revenge for so long, and maybe now is the time to let it go.
I thought that the Wolf took everything from me, but he can’t take my present or my future. Not unless I allow him to. And I won’t. This life is mine and I will fight for it with every breath in my body. But perhaps it is time to let the ghost of the Wolf go.
