Part 4 – FOURTH YEAR
SEPTEMBER 2ND 2002
JOEY
HOLDING my breath under the water, I remained motionless with my hands gripping the sink, until my lungs turned to fire in my chest and my thoughts became muddled and blurry.
That shitty human survival instinct instilled in all of us, the one that programed us to search for oxygen, forced my face to the surface of the water.
Numb, I breathed slowly through my nose, purposefully torturing my lungs that demanded I gulp in as much air as I could.
Fuck my lungs.
Fuck the world.
The circles under my eyes were darkening to the point where, when I woke up this morning, I actually looked like I had two black eyes.
A million sleepless nights, combined with a million fucking mistakes this past summer had taken its toll on my body.
Cutting a line with my bank card, I leaned over the windowsill that held the mirror – and what would get me through the next six hours – and quickly snorted the powder up my nose.
I had a pain slap bang in the center of my chest.
The ache was fucking terrible, and I couldn’t seem to shake the damn thing off.
I was going out of my mind worse than ever lately.
And I was raging.
I was so fucking mad that I could feel the burning and bleeding from somewhere so deep inside of me, I knew couldn’t be found to be patched up.
I was a mess.
Jesus…
Shuddering, I leaned over the sink for another half an hour, waiting for my stomach to settle, and my brain to cooperate, before I could manage to go back into my room and throw on my school uniform.
The hurley and helmet in the corner of my room taunted me with a whole host of demands and expectations that I wasn’t sure I could live up to for much longer.
‘Hey.’ Shannon’s voice filled my ears and I stilled for the briefest of moments before turning to face her.
‘Hey.” I offered her what I hoped what a supportive smile. “Are you ready for your first day?”
‘No,’ she whispered, chewing on her lip.
Yeah, me either. “You’ll be grand,” I said instead. “I’ll be with you.”
“Do I look okay, Joe?” Shannon asked in a small voice, as she hurried along beside me, swamped in her BCS uniform.
“You look grand, Shan,” I told her, keeping my gaze fixed straight ahead. If I looked at her, if I saw the fear in her blue eyes, I would crack.
Jesus Christ, I was a nervous wreck.
Seriously, if anyone that didn’t know me saw me in this moment, they would swear that I was the one starting secondary school this morning, and not my baby sister.
With my palms sweating, and my heart racing rapidly, I had to force my legs to slow down so she could keep up.
Schooling my anxiety, the best I could, I walked Shannon up the path to BCS, while discreetly glowering at every mother fucker who dared look in her direction.
Maybe an offensive strike was the best form of defense when it came to protecting her this year.
Maybe, that way, I could get her through this school year unscathed.
“I’ll always be your brother, okay? No matter what.”
Darren’s voice infiltrated my mind and I balked, swiftly burying the memory of that last time I’d taken this walk with a sibling.
Burying him.
He’s gone.
He’s dead.
He doesn’t exist anymore.
“You okay, Joe?” my sister asked, reaching up to touch my shoulder. “You look sad.”
“It’s okay.” I forced a smile. “Everything is going to be okay.”
“Yeah?”
I nodded. “Yeah, Shan.”
Because I won’t ever leave you.
