OCTOBER 18TH 2004
JOEY
“HOW ARE YOU FEELING NOW, SHAN?” I asked, as I sat opposite my sister in the chipper, and watched as she toyed with the same chip that she’d been holding for ten minutes. “Any better?”
“I’m okay, Joe,” she replied, voice barely more than a whisper. Her eyes glazed over as she clearly drifted in and out of her thoughts.
She wasn’t eating again, and I was fucking terrified of letting it go to a stage where she couldn’t come back from it.
I knew all about falling over the edge of bullshit, and I didn’t want that for my sister.
“Just eat another five chips,” I coaxed, pushing the tray closer to her. “I won’t ask for any more than five.”
“I’m not anorexic, Joe,” she explained weakly, tucking her hair behind her ears. “I’m just…I’m just…” she exhaled a ragged breath before whispering, “not well.”
Yeah, I knew how that felt.
When I didn’t feel well, I self-medicated.
When my sister didn’t feel well, she starved herself half to death.
Her reaction to stress was as real to her as mine was to me.
But that didn’t make it easy for me to sit back and watch, especially when everything inside of me demanded that I fix this.
That I fix her.
I couldn’t blame her for feeling the way she did.
On the way to school this morning, she’d been jumped by Ciara Maloney and Hannah Daly.
I wasn’t with her, because I’d hung back to have a smoke with a few of the lads from my road.
I had never felt so goddamn helpless in my life, when I finally caught up with her and saw her getting attacked.
They were accusing her of being with Ciara’s fella.
Shannon.
The same Shannon who had never glanced sideways at the opposite sex, let alone robbed someone’s fella.
It was beyond absurd, and I couldn’t hit them to get them off her.
I couldn’t do a damn thing, because as much as I willing to return the favor to their brothers and boyfriends, they were nowhere to be seen in the moment, and I would rather slit my wrists than put hands on a female.
Those bitches knew that which meant that all I could do was drag her out from beneath them and shield her small body with mine.
“Do you think they’ll leave me alone now?” she asked, thankfully taking a bite of a chip. “Do you think that’ll be the end of it now that we’ve made a statement to the Gards?”
No, I didn’t think it was going to be the end of it, but I certainly wasn’t about to tell my fragile baby sister that.
“Yeah, Shan.” Offering her a reassuring smile, I took a bite of the burger she’d left untouched. “The Gards are going to go over to Ciara’s house and give her a right good talking to.” Which wouldn’t work, just like last time. “It’s going to get better. I promise.”
The minute the word promise came out of my mouth, Shannon smiled at me, and I knew that I’d fed that demon of insecurity that lived inside of her just enough to keep it at bay for a while.
“Talk to me about something else,” she said then, thankfully eating another chip. “Something that’s not depressing.”
Our whole world was one big depression.
“Like what, Shan?”
“Your girlfriend,” she said and smiled knowingly. “Aoife.”
“Aoife,” I mused, swallowing another bite of my burger. “What do you want to know?”
“She’s very beautiful, Joe.”
“Yeah, I know, Shan.”
“Like seriously stunning,” she offered. “The boys in third year are always talking about her.”
“The boys in third year have good taste.”
“How long have you been together?”
“A few months.”
“Is it serious?”
“Define serious?”
“Are you exclusive?”
“Yeah, we are.”
“So, no other girls tucked away to one side?”
“No.” I shook my head. “No other girls.”
“Wow, Joe.” She waggled her brows. “It kind of sounds like you might be in looooove?”
“I am.”
“Oh my god.” Her eyes bulged. “I was half expecting you to deny it.”
“There’s no point.” I shrugged. “I love the girl. It is what it is.”
“What’s it like?”
“What’s what like, Shan?”
“Being in love,” she sighed, resting her chin on her small hand, thoroughly invested in the conversation now. “What does it feel like?”
I cocked a brow. “Of all the things we could talk about, you want to talk about feelings?”
“Please,” she begged. “Just humor me.”
“Alright.” Shifting around awkwardly, I took a sip from my coke, while I thought about it for a moment. “It’s painful.”
Her eyes widened to saucers. “Painful?”
“Yeah.” I nodded. “But it’s the kind of pain that’s worth feeling, you know?”
She blew out a breath. “Really?”
“It’s like you know you’re about to get your ass handed to you by exposing yourself to this person, and you know that you’re fucking around on the edge of something that could potentially break and ruin you, but it’s just so damn thrilling, so consumingly addicting, that you’re willing to take the risk and do just about anything to be with that person.”
“Wow,” she mused in a dreamy tone. “That’s so great, Joe.”
“It’s actually pretty terrible,” I offered dryly. “You should avoid it like the plague.”
Shannon laughed and then asked, “So, is Aoife the reason…” Clearing her throat, she said in a much quieter tone, “you decided to, ah, well, you know…” she cupped her hands around her mouth before whispering, “don’t hang out with Shane Holland and those guys?”
She’s certainly the reason why I’ve become so good at hiding it.
“Yeah, Shan,” I said, feeling like a piece of shit. “She is.”
